Tag Archives: religion

Hamas Leadership Rejects Cease Fire In Favor Of A Thorough Ass-Whipping By The IDF

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GAZA CITY (CT&P) -In response to renewed rocket attacks and an attempt by 13 heavily armed Hamas dim wits to infiltrate Israel via tunnels under the border, Israel has launched a ground offensive into Gaza. IDF tanks and armored personnel carriers supported by infantry units crossed the border yesterday and immediately began to kick some serious Hamas ass.

Speaking to reporters from a well-appointed luxury bunker deep beneath the Gaza City Misguided Martyr Middle School and Rocket Depot, Deputy Chairman Abu Marzook, of Hamas’ political bureau, told reporters that “We are not willing to stop our rocket attacks anytime soon. So far only civilians have been killed in Gaza, and we have plenty of them to spare.”

Explosions lit up the sky in the early hours of Friday and residents in several areas of the densely populated strip of 1.8 million Palestinians said they saw numbers of Israeli tanks that had crossed the border from Israel.

A statement from Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s office late on Thursday said he had given orders to destroy tunnels that militants use to infiltrate Israel and carry out attacks.

An Israeli military spokesman said Israel was not out to try to topple Hamas.

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Hamas spokesman Sami “The Baby Crusher” Zuhri spoke with reporters from the Yasser Arafat School of Beauty

“Our goal is not a new, more insane Palestinian leadership,” said the spokesman. “We just want to make one thing clear to these dullards: If you know what’s good for you, don’t fuck with Bibi.”

 

Hamas spokesman Sami Abu Zuhri, speaking from the Yasser Arafat School of Beauty and Nerve Gas Production, responded with defiance to Israel’s invasion announcement, telling Reuters: “We warn Netanyahu of the dreadful consequences of such a foolish act. We will turn Israel into a wasteland with our endless supply of deadly rockets. Granted, they seem to be suffering from some kind of software glitch that has made 95% of them absolutely harmless, but we hope to clear up this problem sometime next week.”

Although a multitude of diplomats from all over the world are trying to broker some sort of cease-fire or truce in Cairo, there is little optimism for an early end to hostilities in the conflict.

“The Hamas leadership is just having too much fun launching all those rockets,” said Swiss official, on the condition of anonymity. “Zuhri told me that Hamas intends to keep firing rockets ‘until the camels come home.'”

A Hamas militant in charge of a rocket team told Reuters that “I haven’t had this much fun since Dad took us kids to Crazy Muhammad’s Fireworks and Explosive Vests in Rafah. This is great!”

Meanwhile, religious leaders around the world continued to offer up prayers for a swift and peaceful resolution to the conflict between Israel and the Palestinians.

“One thing that this conflict makes perfectly clear is that religion is our only hope of lasting peace on earth,” said Bryan Fischer, Director of Issues Analysis for the American Family Association, an organization that promotes fundamentalist Christian values.

“We just have to persevere and believe that this senseless slaughter is the will of our benevolent and omniscient Creator, and God’s plan will become evident in time,” said Fischer.

Bryan Fischer is not exactly renowned for ability to reason.

 

 

 

 

Florida Governor Rick Scott Said To Be Experimenting With Peyote

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Sources close to the Scott reelection campaign told Times-Picayune reporter Vince Snetterton-Lewis yesterday that the governor experimented with several types of hallucinogens while on a state-funded visit to Central and South America last week.

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Governor Scott is widely believed to be the product of a union between Dr. Timothy Leary and the Aztec snake god Quetzalcoatl

Governor Scott surprised lawmakers and constituents alike by taking time off from his official duties of denying black people the vote and derailing Medicare fraud investigations to hurriedly plan the trip just after the Hobby Lobby decision came down from the Supreme Court.

The tour was ostensibly taken in order to promote business and cultural exchange between Central and South American countries and the state of Florida. However, aides to Governor Scott told Snetterton-Lewis that Scott took the opportunity to visit several remote Indian tribes deep in the rain forest in order to observe and in some cases take part in religious rituals conducted by some of the most popular and sought-after shamans in the region.

Almost all the events that Scott attended included the ritual consumption of hallucinogenics or dissociatives administered by tribal elders or priests in order to help the participant achieve a higher plane of reality or deep meditative state.

“He really had one hell of a good time on that trip,” said an aide, on the condition that he remain anonymous. “In fact you could say that he had several excellent trips within the larger overall trip.”

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While in South America dabbling with a little Peruvian torch cactus, Scott met a conservative-leaning witch doctor named Marvin. Scott was so impressed that he plans on making Marvin director of youth outreach at his new church.

The purpose behind Scott’s bizarre behavior only came to light after Snetterton-Lewis found another aide willing to talk about Scott’s long-term plans in case he loses the upcoming election to Democrat contender Charlie Crist.

Having had a bad experience in the health care business (600 million in Medicare fraud) Scott apparently plans to found his own church based loosely on a conglomeration of different mystic religions and voodoo cults. He plans on building a mega-church near the Ebro Dog Track just outside Panama City Beach, Florida, where he hopes to attract a congregation of wealthy business owners seeking to deny all medical care to their employees.

“It’s his way of giving back to the corporate interests that have funded his campaigns and slush funds used to push through legislation that hurt the average citizens of Florida,” said the aide.

Sources say that the name of the new religion has not yet been determined, but possibilities include The First Church of SCOTUS, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Tumors, and Our Lady of the Untreated Carcinoma.

Scott has however, decided on a slogan that he thinks will really attract the kind of congregation he is courting:

“Doctors? We don’t need no stinking doctors!”

 

 

 

 

Satan Delighted By GOP Response To Immigration “Crisis”

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satan44

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At a press conference held at the River Styx Motor Inn in East Hell this morning, Satan, Lord of the Underworld, told reporters that he was “pleased and gratified” by the Republican Party’s response to the current situation on the U.S. southern border. “I’m truly delighted with what GOP politicians and pundits have had to say about those poor helpless kids trying to escape violence and abject poverty in their home countries. As you know hypocrisy is something we value above all else down here,” said the Prince of Darkness.

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Beelzebub had particular praise for the brainy pair of Palin and Perry. “I don’t know what we would do without those two buffoons,” said the Prince of Darkness, “they are funny as Hell.”

The flow of unaccompanied kids at the border has increased over recent months, and estimates are hovering around 50,000 for children and teenagers detained since Oct 1st of last year. The vast majority of the kids are from Guatemala, Honduras, and El Salvador.

The unfortunate kids are often encouraged and assisted by parents, who see little or no future for the kids in Central America. Fleeing violence, poverty, drug gangs and forced prostitution, the kids and their relatives are desperate and many are in pitiful condition.

Although 50,000 children trying to cross one of its borders should not constitute an existential crisis for the greatest country the world has ever seen, GOP politicians and pundits have tried mightily to turn the situation into catastrophe on par with the Great Depression or the Black Plague.

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Conservative radio hosts have been portraying the kids as walking vectors for all types of hideous life-threatening diseases such as ebola and tuberculosis.

Texas governor and renowned intellectual Rick Perry has intimated on several occasions that President Obama has engineered the crisis. “We either have an incredibly inept administration, or they’re in on this somehow or another,” said the scholarly Perry on ABC’s “This Week.” “I mean I hate to be conspiratorial, but I mean how do you move that many people from Central America across Mexico and then into the United States without there being a fairly coordinated effort?”

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Children currently detained in warehouses on the border were appreciative of Lucifer’s offer to let them stay in one of his many temples across the U.S.

Mental giant Sarah Palin has also had a great deal to say about the “crisis.” In an amateur video that looked like something produced by The Onion, Palin presented a rambling, incoherent argument for some sort of weird conspiracy to dissolve the United States as we know it. According to Palin, President Obama is opening our borders for political gain and because he just hates this country so much.

“Without borders, there is no nation. Obama knows this. Opening our borders to a flood of illegal immigrants is deliberate. This is his fundamental transformation of America,” said Palin, who apparently learned her civics and history at the same place as Michele Bachmann.

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To show their appreciation for Satan’s generosity, the kids baked the Prince of Darkness a devil’s food cake for his birthday

To add fuel to the fire, Fox News and conservative radio talk show hosts around the country have been portraying the kids as being like a giant host of diseased rats carrying a plague virus, just chomping at the bit to invade the U.S. and infect us all with life threatening diseases.

All of this ridiculous political gamesmanship has Mephistopheles and his minions beside themselves with joy.

Lord Balthazar, Satanic Press Secretary, told USA Today that “It’s a real hoot to see the party that touts Christian values treating these innocent kids like they were vermin. We haven’t had this much fun since all those Republican governors denied health care to poor people in an attempt to derail Obamacare. Biblical principles my ass! These guys would sell their mother’s souls if it meant a tax break for the 1%. We love ’em down here.”

Reached for comment at the Pearly Gates, Jesus of Nazareth told a reporter for CNN that “The entire situation makes me nauseous. It’s like the entire New Testament was a wasted effort. I mean, when I said ‘suffer the little children’ I did NOT mean pack them like sardines into warehouses in San Antonio. And what’s all this crap about guns? You’d think that some of those religious ‘patriots’ in Texas could take a little cash out of their assault weapon budgets to help these kids out. I’m disgusted.”

Although the numbers of kids turning themselves in at the border continues to rise, there is little hope that any solution will be found during this decade, as GOP politicians would rather blame Obama than do anything constructive.

 

Religion Of Peace Continues To Blow Shit Out Of Israel With Rockets, Hamas Leaders Puzzled By IDF Response

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX MURPHY, N. C. (CT&P) — Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel said Friday that his forces were fighting Hamas with “increasing intensity” to quell its rocket barrages from Gaza, ignoring outside criticism and calls for restraint in the increasingly deadly Israeli aerial assaults. Even as he spoke, Palestinian militants fired salvos into central and southern Israel and said their arsenal had barely been dented.

Palestinian deaths from four days of Israeli aerial assaults surpassed 100, with hundreds wounded. As of Friday, no Israelis had been killed by Gaza rockets, although one caused the first serious instance of multiple injuries on the Israeli side since the hostilities intensified.

Israel has been criticized for the lopsided death toll in the conflict, as if she should somehow let the terrorist wackos catch up by letting her civilians be slaughtered in their beds.

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In an attempt to explain the terrorists’ poor aim, an IDF spokesman told our reporter that “the terrorist talks big, but frankly, we think he’s short of know-how. I mean, you just can’t expect a bunch of ignorant peons to understand a rocket like some of our boys. And that’s not meant as an insult, we all know how much guts these folks have, judging by the intestines splattered everywhere after a suicide bombing.”

“It’s not our fault these idiots don’t know how to aim their rockets,” said Bibi. ““No international pressure will prevent us from operating with full force against a terrorist organization that calls for our destruction,” he said in remarks broadcast from a news conference at the Defense Ministry in Tel Aviv.

“Even those dim wits at the U.N. should be able to figure it out. The difference between us is simple,” Mr. Netanyahu said. “We develop defensive systems against missiles in order to protect our civilians and they use their civilians to protect their missiles.”

The Israeli military says it has struck more than 1,100 locations in Gaza such as rocket launchers, weapons stores and, more controversially, what it describes as command and control centers run by Hamas and Islamic Jihad operatives in private homes. Israel says it first advises the occupants to vacate, using telephone alerts and unarmed missiles that strike the premises in a warning of the destruction to come.

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Abu Marzook Skyhook spoke with reporters while safely ensconced in a bunker nine stories below Gaza City

For their part Hamas leaders told U.N. officials that they were “totally baffled and puzzled” by Israel’s response to the hail of rockets launched from Gaza since the current flare up of hostilities began.

“We were just celebrating our holy month in the usual fashion, by attempting to kill Jews in large numbers,” said Mousa Mohammed Abu Marzook Skyhook, deputy chairman of Hamas political bureau and CEO of Rockets Are Us in Rafah.

“I don’t understand why Bibi got so pissed off, and it really hurts my feelings that Israel is fighting back,” he said.

Skyhook told reporters that Hamas was ready to sacrifice “as many of its women and children as necessary to make its point. “We will make Israel a lake of fire in the ‘mother of all’ rocket attacks,” he said. However, Skyhook did not explain just what the fuck Hamas’ point is.

Skyhook spoke with U.N. officials and reporters during a gala swimsuit fashion show held in a reinforced bunker nine stories below the surface.

Creepy “Answers In Genesis” President Ken Ham Arrested At Denali National Park

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Ham, originally from Australia, is living proof of the dangers of legal immigration

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Huckster and insane person Ken Ham, of Answers in Genesis and Creation Museum fame, was arrested yesterday just outside Denali National Park. Ham was charged with indecent exposure and attempted destruction of public property. He is currently being held in an Anchorage detention facility while he awaits a psychiatric examination ordered by a circuit court judge.

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Ham is famous for wacked-out ideas, like the concept that dinosaurs and humans roamed the earth together.

Ham was apprehended while trying to escape after attempting to add his own footprints to dinosaur fossils found within the boundary of the park. The site, described as a “world-class” dinosaur track site shows that herds of duck-billed dinosaurs thrived under the midnight sun.

“We had mom, dad, big brother, big sister and little babies all running around together,” said paleontologist Anthony Fiorillo, who is studying the dinosaur tracks. “As I like to tell the park, Denali was a family destination for millions of years, and now we’ve got the fossil evidence for it.”

The discovery adds to Fiorillo’s growing conviction that dinosaurs lived at polar latitudes year-round during the Late Cretaceous Period, about 70 million years ago.”Even back then the high latitudes were biologically productive and could support big herds of pretty big animals,” said Fiorillo, curator of earth sciences at the Perot Museum of Nature and Science in Dallas.

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One of the most popular exhibits at the Creation Museum is the “Messiahraptor” ride, which features a slightly confused Christ figure cruising around a wooded area on the back of a T-Rex.

“This is definitely one of the great track sites of the world. We were so happy to find it,” Fiorillo said.

The muddy ground is so rumpled by footprints that the researchers were hard-pressed to pull out tracks from individual hadrosaurs. Instead, they counted each print and grouped them by size. The results were published June 30 in the journal Geology.

Ham, who has for years championed the ludicrous idea that the earth is only 6,000 years old and that men walked among the dinosaurs, was apparently either trying to destroy the fossils or add his own footprints to the fossil find.

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Ham first developed his disturbing theories during early puberty when he became obsessed with Raquel Welch after viewing One Million Years B.C. He still thinks the movie is “one of the best documentaries of all time.”

“We found him running around barefoot wearing a Speedo and a t-shirt that read, ‘God Hates Paleontologists,’ said Fiorillo. “At first we thought he was a drunken tourist or an escapee from a mental institution. However, one of my assistants from Kentucky recognized him and said, ‘Holy shit! That’s the moron the runs that stupid Creation Museum.’ That’s when we knew we had a potentially dangerous cretin on our hands. We immediately called the park police.”

Ham was apprehended about an hour later trying to exit the park on a unicycle, which he learned to ride as a child while performing in his parents’ traveling carnival and snake oil emporium.

Park police reported that Ham kept shouting “Darwin was wrong!” and “Fossils are the handiwork of Satan” as he was taken into custody.

Originally from Queensland, Australia, Ham has become the poster child for intelligent arguments against immigration. Many groups have advocated a thorough psychological screening and IQ testing before anyone is granted citizenship.

Ham will be handed over to federal authorities to await trial. He is thought to be too much of a danger to the mentally deficient in this country to be granted bail.

 

Satan “Slightly Annoyed” By Red Devils’ Loss To Catholics On Saturday

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CT&P) – At press conference this morning on the banks of the River Styx, Satan told reporters that he was “annoyed, and more than a little pissed off” with Belgium coach Marc Wilmots for not coming up with a more intelligent game plan against Argentina.

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The Prince of Darkness spoke to reporters briefly before appearing as keynote speaker at a Tea Party fundraiser in Virginia’s 7th District

“Yeah well, I’m annoyed as hell,” said Satan. “All we did was chase those damn Christians all over the field and we seemed to have no real plan of attack. We looked disorganized and unable to maintain possession of the ball, and possession is supposed to be one of our specialties!”

The quarter-final match was in effect decided in the eighth minute by the Apostle Gonzalo Higuaín’s half volley off a deflected pass. The goal was made possible by Our Savior Lionel Messi charging the defense and drawing Belgian defenders to him like Roman soldiers to a weekend picnic and crucifixion.

The Argentines then used their superior ball handling abilities to fend off the spawn of Satan for the next eighty minutes plus stoppage time. Belgium pushed forward throughout the rest of the game but was lacking in offensive fluency, often resorting to floated crosses that Argentina’s defense cleared with relative ease. Except for a last-minute flurry of desperate shots, the Belgians offered no real threat to the Soldiers of God.

The next opponent for the Messiah and his disciples will be the largely agnostic thugs from the Netherlands, featuring the demon-possessed midfielder Arjen Robben. The game is scheduled to be played Wednesday at Arena Corinthians, São Paulo at 4:00 Eastern.

The loss knocked Belgium out of the tournament.

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Although extremely agitated by the Red Devils’ loss, Satan could not resist getting Lionel Messi’s autograph outside Argentina’s dressing room.

When asked about Messi’s performance in the tournament so far, Satan said “Look, I know he’s the Son of God and all, and he’s been trained by the Inquisition in Barcelona since he was 13, but he’s only one man! If we can’t come up with a game plan to neutralize one man’s influence then I don’t hold out much hope for the future.”

“I swear to God I don’t know what to do with this coach,” said an exasperated Satan. “I give him all the young talent anyone could want, and we get a disappointing result like this. I mean, holy shit, most of our opponents don’t even believe in evolution! If we can’t even defeat a bunch of morons and dim wits then we might as well give up.”

Coach Wilmots’ contract with Mephistopheles and the Red Devils is not up for another 25 years, so a buyout seems unlikely. He is currently receiving two soccer cleats full of gold each month for services rendered to the Belgian team.

The Messiah Rises…Again!

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CT&P) – Lionel Messi’s brilliant pass to Angel Di Maria in the 118th minute and Di Maria’s subsequent goal boosted Argentina past the neutral Swiss and on to the quarter finals in the World Cup.

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The Messiah and his disciple the Archangel Di Maria celebrate victory over the forces of darkness.

Switzerland kept Our Savior down for a valiant 117 minutes, and Argentina’s offense appeared to be deceased. With two, three, even four defenders on him whenever he had the ball, the Messiah failed to link up with disciples, failed to take over the game as he had in the group stage, and failed to get his team on the scoreboard. Some of the disciples even expressed doubt as to whether victory over death could be achieved.

With the score still knotted at 0-0 and only two minutes of extra time left, penalty kicks seemed inevitable.

Then the Lamb of God roared back to life. The Swiss defender Stephan Lichtsteiner lost the ball near midfield, and Our Lord, for once, found himself with space to run at the defense. He drove forward past two players to the edge of the box, thus rolling back the stone of the Swiss defense.

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The stone doorway placed in front of the Swiss goal was rolled away at the last possible moment.

The Redeemer then fed his chief disciple, the Archangel Di Maria, who was hovering six inches off the ground on the right side. Di Maria coolly slotted the ball home into the far corner with his left foot, giving Argentina the lead at the latest possible moment.

There was much rejoicing all over the world, particularly in Buenos Aires, the Vatican Basilica, and the Cabin Anthrax.

The victory puts Argentina into a quarter-final match at the Estadio Nacional in Brasilia on Saturday. The Good Shepherd will lead his flock of believers against Belgium in what promises to be an exciting and high scoring battle for souls of the undecided.

MESSIAH GONE WILD!

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CT&P) -A double from Our Lord and Savior a day after his 27th birthday inspired Argentina to a 3-2 win over African champions Nigeria and assured them of finishing top of Group F at the World Cup finals.

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The Messiah can be seen here horsing around with his ten disciples during warmups.

Only two minutes had gone when Argentina took the lead. Javier Mascherano’s clever pass found Di María, whose shot, hard and low towards the near post, was saved by Enyeama. But suddenly, in a fortunate flash, the ball was in the net. The ball came off the keeper’s hands, off the post, off the keeper’s head, off the post again, and out … to where Messi was racing forward to smash it back in again.

Nigeria quickly equalized, but the Prince of Pitch put Argentina up 2-1 with a “godlike” free kick into the upper right hand corner of the  goal while Nigerian goalkeeper Vincent Enyeama could only stare in amazement as he beheld the power of the Holy Spirit.
Nigeria’s Musa equalized once again later, but Argentina went up 3-2 on Rojo’s “thigh goal” and the chosen ones kept the lead for good.
Argentina will now face a tough Switzerland team in the round of 16. Coach Alejandro Sabella knows it will be an uphill battle for Argentina to make it all the way to the final, but he has great confidence in his saintly striker.
“Leo will have to put the team on his back and carry them to victory,” said Sabella, “but he already carries the burden of all of mankind’s sins on his shoulders every day, so I don’t think a few more World Cup matches will make much difference.”

Islamic Terrorists Celebrate Nigerian World Cup Success By Detonating Second Bomb

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CT&P) – Violence rocked the Nigerian capital of Abuja on Wednesday when a bomb exploded at a shopping mall in the upscale Wuse district, killing at least 21 people and sending a pall of black smoke into the sky.

Police said at least 17 people were injured in the blast at the Emab Plaza mall.

The explosive device was placed amid a group of vehicles near the entrance to the center, according to witnesses cited in local media accounts. Among the dead were street vendors who were selling food and other goods nearby.

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Boko Haram’s unstable and downright weird leader Abubakar Shekau took time out of his busy beheading schedule to tell reporters that “like religious fanatics all over the world, what we do makes no sense whatsoever.”

Last week, at least 14 people were killed in an attack on a World Cup soccer viewing venue in Damaturu, capital of the northern state of Yobe. In May, about 130 people were killed in twin explosions at a market in Jos, in central Nigeria.

At a press conference from his luxury condominium on the beach at Lake Chad, Boko Haram’s unbalanced leader Abubakar Shekau told a gathering of nervous, sweaty journalists that the most recent bombing was one in a series of vile and inhuman actions scheduled in celebration of Nigeria’s success in the World Cup.

“Look guys, we are nothing but ignorant, savage religious fanatics,” said Shekau, “we really don’t know any better way of cheering on our team other than with the wanton murder of innocent civilians.”

When a reporter asked Shekau why Boko Haram could not celebrate with the traditional firing of AK-47’s into the air as normal terrorists around do around the world, Shekau replied, “firing into the air wastes ammo and is so blasé. Let those dudes in the Middle East do that shit. We are the cutting edge members of the ‘religion of peace’ and we want everyone to know it.”

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It’s well-known around Nigeria that the only human being that can keep Shekau under control is one of his nine common-law wives, Gertrude.

Shekau went on to explain that if Nigeria made it into the semi-finals the terrorist group planned on releasing a nerve agent in the capital Abuja followed up by a mass mailing of anthrax powder to every student currently enrolled in Nigeria’s western universities.

“We are really excited about our team’s chances,” said Shekau, “and if we make it into the final we plan on vaporizing a major city with an old Russian suitcase bomb!”

Shekau then apologized to the group for cutting the press conference short because a new shipment of kidnapped women and children had just arrived and he was required for the “new slave orientation” session.

He ended the press conference by thanking the gathering of reporters for their attendance and encouraging them to follow all the central tenets of Islam while reminding them that disobedience would mean slow dismemberment live on the internet.

 

 

Son Of God Smites Islamic Republic With His Divine Left Foot

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CT&P) – After 90 minutes of being stymied by a tenacious and indefatigable Islamic defense, the forces of the Pope finally prevailed when the Prince of Pitch launched a spectacular curling shot into the top corner of the Iranian goal. The victory lifts Argentina into the round of 16 in the 2014 World Cup.

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The Messiah’s goal pierced the Islamic defense “like Richard the Lionheart in the Holy Land,” said Pope Francis

“With the help of The Messiah, all things are possible,” said a relieved Argentina coach Alejandro Sabella. Sabella praised Iran for playing a “great” game and making it difficult for his side.

Watched by past Argentine great Diego Maradona in a 57,698 crowd, Our Savior appeared to be in an unthreatening position when he received the ball on the right in the 91st minute.

Then dropping his shoulder and cutting quickly inside, he curled a simply brilliant 25-yard left-foot shot over Iran’s massed defense and into the far corner past outstanding goalkeeper Alireza Haghighi’s outstretched hand. As the ball left the blessed Crusader’s foot, it began to glow as an eerie light fell over the entire stadium, while the parking area and refreshment stands went completely dark.

The Iranian goal veil was rent, and the Argentine fans went wild in celebration, with many cheering in tongues.

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After the match the Prince of Pitch greeted admiring fans and signed autographs for kids as he levitated 12 inches off the ground in the VIP parking lot.

“Not even Saladin himself could have stopped that shot,” said a weeping Sabella.

The goal and subsequent Argentine victory fulfills an ancient Biblical prophecy from the little-known Book of FIFA in the Old Testament. In Chapter 7 Verse 10, it states “And on the sixth day he shall rise again from his bed to smite the unbelievers from the east with his divine left foot, and their armies will be vanquished, and there shall be much rejoicing in the Vatican and the bars of Buenos Aires.”

The miraculous nature of the shot prompted the Supreme Leader of Iran Ali Khamenei to pardon his players from the round of beheadings that usually follows a loss on the soccer pitch.

“What we saw out there today was no less than the left foot of God,” said Khamenei during a press conference at the Revolutionary Guards Lounge and Re-education Center in Tehran, where he had viewed the match. “Our players did an admirable job, but you can’t expect mere mortals to defy the will of God for 90 minutes plus stoppage time. It was just too much.”

When asked about the performance of Lionel Messi, the goal scoring Messiah, Khamenei remarked, “That is one talented son of a bitch.”