Tag Archives: reproductive rights

Planned Parenthood Increases Price Of Fetal Tissue

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plannedparenthood109

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards announced a price increase this morning on all fetal tissue being sold by their 700 retail health and dissection centers located in the United States.

Richards emphasized that the increase only affects centers within the borders of the U.S., and that Planned Parenthood “black sites” in foreign countries can continue to set their own prices.

According to Richards, the across the board price increase was made in response to the increased demand for organs, umbilical chords, stem cells, amniotic fluid, and a variety of other fetal tissues caused by an amateurish video made by a deranged young man named David Daleiden.

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According to Richards, some of Planned Parenthood’s biggest customers are voodoo priestesses in Haiti and Louisiana who combine amniotic fluid with caffeine to produce an energy drink called “Red Kid.”

“Demand has skyrocketed since Daleiden’s video was made public, so a price increase was the natural thing to do,” said Richards.

The video, which was pounced upon by Fox News, conservative radio hosts, Christian websites, and other questionable news outlets provides unequivocal proof that Planned Parenthood is an organization made up of Devil worshipers who sell unborn babies and their parts to the highest bidders.

“We could not have hoped to get this kind of publicity; not in our wildest, fever induced, Satanic dreams,” said Richards.

According to Richards the fetal tissue and body parts that Planned Parenthood sells go to a wide variety of buyers including medical schools, drug companies, research universities, secretive private laboratories in South America, 4-H clubs, secondary schools for use in high school science projects, witch doctors, terrorists, and wealthy cannibals tired of eating adult humans.

“We have a very broad customer base that we strive to keep happy,” said Richards. “Thanks to Daleiden’s video and all the publicity it’s caused we can cut back on advertising and entertainment expenses and expand our abortion factories so we can do away with even more potential humans. It’s been a real godsend.”

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Richards told CNN that most fetal internal organs are sold to private laboratories located in remote mountainous regions of eastern Europe for ongoing research in reanimation.

Although Daleiden’s original purpose in making the video has apparently backfired, he is reported to be basking in his new-found fame.

“David is really enjoying all this,” said Daron Dimbulb, a close friend of Daleiden’s who is also obsessed with controlling women’s reproductive organs. “He never thought he would be the object of so much praise from our country’s apparently unlimited population of morons. He really looks forward to being salivated on by Sean Hannity when he goes on his show next week.”

Richards told CNN that although no more price increases are currently being considered, if demand continues to increase all bets are off.

“With the help of Our Lord and Savior Mephistopheles, we’ll be able to convince more poor young girls to get knocked up so we can rip more children out of uteruses all across the country,” said Richards. “Otherwise we’re just going to have to jack prices again. It’s a no lose situation for us.”

 

GOP Candidates Vow To Ban Early Voting If Elected

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Black-Vote

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Alarmed by the number of Democrats taking advantage of early voting across the country, a coalition of GOP politicians and candidates running for office in this year’s midterms have vowed to end early voting in future elections in the United States. The coalition, known as STOP (Suppress Those Other People from Voting) was formed because blacks and other minorities take advantage of early voting in disproportionate numbers.

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GOP leaders have long insisted that white heterosexual males with an annual income over $75,000 should be the only humans allowed to vote in the United States

Rick Scott, governor of Florida and ancient Aztec snake god, is chairman of the new coalition. He told Fox News that “We Republicans would much prefer that these people were unable to vote at all, but if we are going to let them express their views then by God they can vote on the same day us white folks do. I’ve tried my best to keep black folks and poor people out of the voting booth by signing draconian voter ID laws in the past, but it’s just not enough. We have to make a stand!”

Texas Governor Rick Perry agreed with Scott.

“I just don’t know what these Messicans and negras are thinking about,” said Perry. “You would think that they would get the message and behave themselves. Hell, we execute one every week down here!”

Perry was not finished, and took the concept of voter suppression one step further.

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Texas Governor Rick Perry told Fox News anchor and giant horse’s ass Bill O’Reilly that “If these blacks and Hispanics don’t start behavin’ and votin’ the right way, well then we just might have to shoot ’em.”

“We Texans in the GOP are concerned about the minority vote, but what really puts a burr under our saddle is the number of women who have abandoned the Republican Party,” said Perry.  “I just don’t understand it. We already showed ’em how much we love and respect ’em by taking away their reproductive rights. I guess if they can’t do what their husbands command like the Bible says, then we’ll just have to repeal the 19th Amendment and leave the voting to white males, as long as they are heterosexual of course.”

Although pleased with the archaic views held by the exclusively white male GOP leadership, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus expressed concern over the apparent revulsion that minorities and enlightened women feel when they consider the Republican Party.

“It’s a mystery to all of us here at the RNC. I mean, we’ve talked about it and all of us have provided jobs for minorities in the past,” said Priebus.”Every single party we’ve had has featured black waitstaff. We’ve had black maids, gay hair stylists, and Hispanic gardeners. You would think that they would be grateful. Furthermore, we Republicans have always supported a woman’s right to choose to do exactly what we white men want. I just don’t get it.”