White Republican Leaders Defend Fellow White Republican Leader For Defending White Rights At White Supremacist Meeting Attended By White Republicans

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WASHINGTON (CT&P) – House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio), who is technically a white person, is vigorously supporting House Majority Whip Steve Scalise (R-LA), another white person, as he faces a deluge of criticism and questions over a 2002 speech he gave to a white supremacist group.

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Although his skin is a bright orange color most of the time, Speaker Boehner is in fact a white man who is a strong supporter of wealthy white people and their business interests

“More than a decade ago, Representative Scalise made an error in judgment. He was not secretive enough in his support of white supremacists in his state. Like many of my colleagues on our side of the aisle, I know Steve to be a man of high integrity and good character, who will stand up for the rights of wealthy white people all across this great country of ours. He has my full confidence as our Whip, and he will continue to do great and important work for all white Americans,” Boehner said in statement made today outside the “Stars and Bars,” a swanky whites-only supper club in Georgetown.

House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), who is also white, is standing by Scalise as well.

“Congressman Scalise acknowledged he made a mistake and has condemned himself for being so dumb,” McCarthy said in a statement released moments after Boehner’s. “I’ve known him as a friend for many years and I know that he is much smarter than he appears. I know that if he could do it all over again, he would have insisted that the speaking engagement be held at night in some field using only torches for lighting. That way no one else would have known about it.”

The show of support from GOP leaders came as Scalise has found himself under fire for being a guest speaker at a 2002 meeting of the European-American Unity and Rights Organization, a group founded by former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke. A Louisiana political blogger unearthed evidence of Scalise’s presence at the rally, and from there the news went viral.

Scalise, who was a state lawmaker at the time, maintains that he spoke to any groups who would give him any money whatsoever and says he didn’t know that EURO was affiliated with racists and neo-Nazi activists.

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Scalise told Reuters that the lighting in the auditorium was “really, really, bad” and he had no idea that the “dudes in sheets” were white supremacists

“Twelve years ago, I spoke to many different Louisiana groups as a state representative, trying to build support for legislation that focused on cutting government handouts to black people and half breeds, eliminating government corruption that did not benefit big business, and stopping tax hikes on the white majority. One of the many groups that I spoke to regarding this critical legislation was a group of folks wearing swastikas and white hoods. I want to stress that I had no idea that they were Nazis or members of the Ku Klux Klan. Had I known they were members of any white supremacist groups, I would have been much more circumspect with my support. It was a mistake I regret, and I want everyone to know that I emphatically oppose any groups that would divide the white majority and thus hurt my chances of re-election,” said Scalise.

He continued, “As a Christian, these groups hold views that are vehemently opposed to my own personal faith, and I reject any kind of hateful bigotry except the kind that keeps desperate Hispanic kids on the Mexican side of the border and prevents homosexuals from enjoying the same civil rights as straight Americans. Those who know me best know I have always been passionate about helping, serving, and fighting for every white family that I represent. And I will continue to do so.”

Duke described Scalise as “a pretty nice guy” and “a family man” and “very white” in a Monday night interview with The Huffington Post. He also said it seemed a bit strange that Scalise — who had a friendly relationship with Duke’s campaign manager Kenny Knight, the EURO event’s organizer — claims he didn’t know what the group’s message was about.

“It would seem to me that the son of bitch knew exactly what the fuck he was doing and this is just another example of the white GOP leadership not having the guts to stand up for what they believe in,” said Duke.

A Christmas Miracle

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BLUE MOUNTAIN BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – In what many are calling a Christmas miracle, Charlton Heston appeared out of nowhere this morning on the beaches of northwest Florida. Heston was on horseback and was accompanied by a scantily clad mute female who many believe was Mary Magdalene or possibly even the Virgin Mary.

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Heston screamed and writhed on the sand for hours in front of curious onlookers who had woken up early to enjoy free beer and hot dogs before the wet elf costume contest at the Spinnaker.

For hours Heston galloped up and down the beaches berating the native population for re-electing the ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott as their governor.

“Damn you! God damn you all to hell!” screamed Heston.

For many decades Heston has been an icon of the right and a huge supporter of the NRA. However, Heston’s support of marriage equality and his objections to oppressive new voter ID laws has recently put him at odds with the GOP leadership in Florida. Heston pumped a great deal of cash and effort into Charlie Crist’s campaign and was apparently frustrated that the citizens of Florida have once again chosen a “false idol” to worship for four more years.

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Although a famous icon of the right, Heston has long supported marriage equality.

“You idiots,” yelled Heston, “what is it about snake gods and golden calves that turns you people on so much?”

Heston then jumped off his horse and made a huge display of tearing up his Florida voter ID card and throwing it on the sands of “World’s Most Beautiful Beaches.”

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After several hours of marching up and down the beach hurling epithets at Cretonians of all ages, Heston turned, parted the Gulf of Mexico, and rode off.

“The Lord Our God will kick your ass for this travesty!” said Heston. He then turned, parted the Gulf of Mexico, jumped back on his horse and rode off.

Most pundits believe that Heston’s temper tantrum will have little effect on Florida politics, and the state will remain a “Forbidden Zone” for many years to come. Political pundit Barry Edwards told Wolf Blitzer on CNN that “This whole region is like a vast wasteland of intelligence. It’s gonna take one hell of a lot more than a Christmas miracle to fix this God-forsaken state. We might as well lift off and nuke the entire site from orbit-it’s the only way to be sure.”

“MOVE BITCH, Get Out The Way!”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Please God someone get this woman to SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I’ve seen grown men rip their own heads off in order to avoid listening to her patented and unique brand of stupid.

She is running neck and neck in the moron department with that other “glittering jewel of colossal ignorance”, Michele Bachmann, and that takes an extraordinary amount of incoherence.

There is a special place in Hell awaiting John McCain for dragging this monster out of the wilds of Alaska and putting her in front of a bloody camera! Why doesn’t he advocate bombing this creature? That’s his standard solution to every other problem.

Oh, the humanity!

GET OUT THE WAY BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY!

Lindsey Graham Has Cerebrovascular Accident While On ‘Meet The Press’ With David Gregory

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – On NBC’s Meet the Depressed with David Gregory yesterday Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) appeared to go into some kind of violent convulsive fit reminiscent of the chest-burster scene in the movie Alien. Immediately afterwords he began an irrational and nearly incoherent rant against President Obama and his foreign policy, or lack thereof.

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Graham’s CVA yesterday was only the latest in a series. After a mild stroke last fall, Graham donned an evening gown and pranced around a fundraiser in support of his “Repeal The 20th Century” bill that was narrowly defeated in Congress.

Following an interview with Kerry, Gregory spoke to Graham, who could not contain his anger about the secretary of state’s assessment of “complex” foreign policy issues like the wars in Ukraine and the Middle East.

“He gave the most ridiculous and delusional summary of American foreign policy I could imagine!” Graham exclaimed. “It scares me that he believes the world is in such good shape! America is the glue the holds the free world together (just ask the citizens of Iraq), leading from behind is not working, the world is adrift.”

He added: “And President Obama has become the king of indecision. His policies are failing across the globe, and they will come here soon. Why, the invasion is already starting! Anyone can see that those children on the border are just the first wave of a tsunami of diseased parasites ready to overwhelm us and our way of life!”

Gregory wondered what Kerry and the Obama administration should have done regarding the downing of the Malaysian flight.

“He didn’t call Putin the thug that he is”, said Graham, who was sweating profusely and appeared to be clicking two ball bearings together in his left hand.

“I would have called him a thug, a despot, a cretin, a shirtless pussy boy, and a mean bully! That would have put that Putin in his place and made him think twice about arming those rebels!”

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According to his staff Graham is now recovering at home with the help of baby ducks who seem to soothe the unhinged senator from South Carolina

“We should have armed Ukraine to the teeth with tactical nukes so they can defend themselves against rebel separatists supported by Russia!” Graham insisted.

“All of the enemies of our nation are being well supplied! Russian is helping Iran, Iran is helping Syria, Syria is helping Honduras, Honduras is helping Mexico, and Mexico is helping the Democrat Party! There’s way too much helpin’ goin’ on out dere!”

“If Obama had any spine at all, he would have bombed the shit out of the Russians at the first sign of trouble like my pimp John McCain told him to do! That would have saved all this massive loss of life!”

Graham’s rant lost momentum as he appeared to become dehydrated, and aides escorted the senator to a waiting ambulance so that he could be checked out at the hospital before returning home.

 

Florida Governor Rick Scott Said To Be Experimenting With Peyote

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Sources close to the Scott reelection campaign told Times-Picayune reporter Vince Snetterton-Lewis yesterday that the governor experimented with several types of hallucinogens while on a state-funded visit to Central and South America last week.

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Governor Scott is widely believed to be the product of a union between Dr. Timothy Leary and the Aztec snake god Quetzalcoatl

Governor Scott surprised lawmakers and constituents alike by taking time off from his official duties of denying black people the vote and derailing Medicare fraud investigations to hurriedly plan the trip just after the Hobby Lobby decision came down from the Supreme Court.

The tour was ostensibly taken in order to promote business and cultural exchange between Central and South American countries and the state of Florida. However, aides to Governor Scott told Snetterton-Lewis that Scott took the opportunity to visit several remote Indian tribes deep in the rain forest in order to observe and in some cases take part in religious rituals conducted by some of the most popular and sought-after shamans in the region.

Almost all the events that Scott attended included the ritual consumption of hallucinogenics or dissociatives administered by tribal elders or priests in order to help the participant achieve a higher plane of reality or deep meditative state.

“He really had one hell of a good time on that trip,” said an aide, on the condition that he remain anonymous. “In fact you could say that he had several excellent trips within the larger overall trip.”

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While in South America dabbling with a little Peruvian torch cactus, Scott met a conservative-leaning witch doctor named Marvin. Scott was so impressed that he plans on making Marvin director of youth outreach at his new church.

The purpose behind Scott’s bizarre behavior only came to light after Snetterton-Lewis found another aide willing to talk about Scott’s long-term plans in case he loses the upcoming election to Democrat contender Charlie Crist.

Having had a bad experience in the health care business (600 million in Medicare fraud) Scott apparently plans to found his own church based loosely on a conglomeration of different mystic religions and voodoo cults. He plans on building a mega-church near the Ebro Dog Track just outside Panama City Beach, Florida, where he hopes to attract a congregation of wealthy business owners seeking to deny all medical care to their employees.

“It’s his way of giving back to the corporate interests that have funded his campaigns and slush funds used to push through legislation that hurt the average citizens of Florida,” said the aide.

Sources say that the name of the new religion has not yet been determined, but possibilities include The First Church of SCOTUS, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Tumors, and Our Lady of the Untreated Carcinoma.

Scott has however, decided on a slogan that he thinks will really attract the kind of congregation he is courting:

“Doctors? We don’t need no stinking doctors!”

 

 

 

 

Satan Delighted By GOP Response To Immigration “Crisis”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At a press conference held at the River Styx Motor Inn in East Hell this morning, Satan, Lord of the Underworld, told reporters that he was “pleased and gratified” by the Republican Party’s response to the current situation on the U.S. southern border. “I’m truly delighted with what GOP politicians and pundits have had to say about those poor helpless kids trying to escape violence and abject poverty in their home countries. As you know hypocrisy is something we value above all else down here,” said the Prince of Darkness.

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Beelzebub had particular praise for the brainy pair of Palin and Perry. “I don’t know what we would do without those two buffoons,” said the Prince of Darkness, “they are funny as Hell.”

The flow of unaccompanied kids at the border has increased over recent months, and estimates are hovering around 50,000 for children and teenagers detained since Oct 1st of last year. The vast majority of the kids are from Guatemala, Honduras, and El Salvador.

The unfortunate kids are often encouraged and assisted by parents, who see little or no future for the kids in Central America. Fleeing violence, poverty, drug gangs and forced prostitution, the kids and their relatives are desperate and many are in pitiful condition.

Although 50,000 children trying to cross one of its borders should not constitute an existential crisis for the greatest country the world has ever seen, GOP politicians and pundits have tried mightily to turn the situation into catastrophe on par with the Great Depression or the Black Plague.

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Conservative radio hosts have been portraying the kids as walking vectors for all types of hideous life-threatening diseases such as ebola and tuberculosis.

Texas governor and renowned intellectual Rick Perry has intimated on several occasions that President Obama has engineered the crisis. “We either have an incredibly inept administration, or they’re in on this somehow or another,” said the scholarly Perry on ABC’s “This Week.” “I mean I hate to be conspiratorial, but I mean how do you move that many people from Central America across Mexico and then into the United States without there being a fairly coordinated effort?”

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Children currently detained in warehouses on the border were appreciative of Lucifer’s offer to let them stay in one of his many temples across the U.S.

Mental giant Sarah Palin has also had a great deal to say about the “crisis.” In an amateur video that looked like something produced by The Onion, Palin presented a rambling, incoherent argument for some sort of weird conspiracy to dissolve the United States as we know it. According to Palin, President Obama is opening our borders for political gain and because he just hates this country so much.

“Without borders, there is no nation. Obama knows this. Opening our borders to a flood of illegal immigrants is deliberate. This is his fundamental transformation of America,” said Palin, who apparently learned her civics and history at the same place as Michele Bachmann.

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To show their appreciation for Satan’s generosity, the kids baked the Prince of Darkness a devil’s food cake for his birthday

To add fuel to the fire, Fox News and conservative radio talk show hosts around the country have been portraying the kids as being like a giant host of diseased rats carrying a plague virus, just chomping at the bit to invade the U.S. and infect us all with life threatening diseases.

All of this ridiculous political gamesmanship has Mephistopheles and his minions beside themselves with joy.

Lord Balthazar, Satanic Press Secretary, told USA Today that “It’s a real hoot to see the party that touts Christian values treating these innocent kids like they were vermin. We haven’t had this much fun since all those Republican governors denied health care to poor people in an attempt to derail Obamacare. Biblical principles my ass! These guys would sell their mother’s souls if it meant a tax break for the 1%. We love ’em down here.”

Reached for comment at the Pearly Gates, Jesus of Nazareth told a reporter for CNN that “The entire situation makes me nauseous. It’s like the entire New Testament was a wasted effort. I mean, when I said ‘suffer the little children’ I did NOT mean pack them like sardines into warehouses in San Antonio. And what’s all this crap about guns? You’d think that some of those religious ‘patriots’ in Texas could take a little cash out of their assault weapon budgets to help these kids out. I’m disgusted.”

Although the numbers of kids turning themselves in at the border continues to rise, there is little hope that any solution will be found during this decade, as GOP politicians would rather blame Obama than do anything constructive.

 

Republican Senator Thad Cochran Ordered To Seek Treatment After Weird Confession At Campaign Stop

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HATTIESBURG, MS (CT&P) – Circuit court Judge Horace Ungulate III has ordered Senator Thad Cochran (R-MS) to seek therapy after the senator admitted to “doing all sorts of indecent things with animals” in his youth.

The weird confession occurred while Senator Cochran was addressing a group of supporters at Forrest General Hospital in Hattiesburg.

“I grew up coming down here for Christmas,” he said. “My father’s family was here. My mother’s family was from rural Hinds County in Utica.”

“It was fun, it was an adventure to be out there in the country and to see what goes on,” he said of his boyhood visits to Hattiesburg. “Picking up pecans, from that to all kinds of indecent things with animals.”

The audience chuckled.

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Although bestiality is technically illegal in Mississippi, in some areas it is considered a “right of passage” and prosecutions are rare.

“And I know some of you know what that is,” Cochran said

The comments caused quite a stir on the internet and with voters in the area that graduated from high school.

Although technically illegal, bestiality is rarely prosecuted in Mississippi. “The problem is that the legislature has had a very difficult time determining just what the definition of ‘beast’ really is,” said Republican state senator Robert “Bobby” Bovine from Tupelo.

“If the definition is too vague, we could have sheriff’s deputies arresting couples from trailer parks all over the state. Then again, if we limit the definition of ‘beast’ to cows, goats, and sheep, we are gonna incarcerate a large percentage of our core supporters.”

Although Cochran’s lawyer read a statement in court in which the senator denied remembering making any “odd statements about animals” at the meeting, Judge Ungulate was unmoved.

“We have enough unenlightened weirdos and dim wits in American politics already,” said Ungulate. “The fact that the senator can’t remember what the fuck he said is all the more reason he needs to be hospitalized.

The episode, along with the demise of Eric Cantor, has boosted primary challenger Chris McDaniel, another in a long line of Tea Party kooks, to an eight point lead in the race with only about week left before election day.

 

Esteemed Philosopher And Part-Time Climatologist Dr. Marco Rubio To Be Nominated For Nobel Prize

Senator Rubio of Florida speaks at the Conservative Political Action Conference at National Harbor, Marylan

SOMEWHERE NEAR THE NORTH CAROLINA-TENNESSEE BORDER (CT&P) – After years of trying to make himself relevant outside the zoo that is his home state of Florida, Senator Marco Rubio has finally hit the “big time” with his new philosophical system that was made public for the first time last week. Senator Rubio (R-FL) outlined his system on Bill O’Reilly’s show on Fox News (surprise) Tuesday night.

Senator Rubio told O’Reilly that despite the fact that 95% of climate scientists agree that climate change is indeed occurring and the vast majority of it is being caused by human beings, what really matters is what we believe about climate change. When asked to clarify his statement, Rubio said, “I don’t agree with the notion that some are putting out there, including scientists, that somehow, there are actions we can take today that would actually have an impact on what’s happening in our climate. Facts and actions don’t matter with my new system. It’s your opinion that makes the difference.”

“It’s like with cigarettes and evolution,” continued Rubio, “in my philosophical system, if you don’t believe that cigarettes will kill you, then they won’t. Furthermore, if you have faith that some being created the earth around 6,000 years ago, and T-Rex was hanging out with Jesus in Palestine, well then, that’s what really happened.”

The appearance by Rubio on O’Reilly’s show has sent shock waves through the scientific community worldwide.

“I don’t know why someone hasn’t  thought of this before,” said renowned physicist Stephen Hawking. “This will turn the scientific method on its head. To think that we have wasted all those hundreds of years actually trying to prove theories through repeatable experiments…Rubio’s insight is just breathtaking. It’s all the more remarkable that he chose O’Reilly’s show to unveil this new way of looking at the world. That show is usually just a black hole of ignorance. All I can say is ‘WOW!'”

Rubio says the new system will have far-reaching effects in government policy and basically walks hand in hand with right-wing Republican initiatives already on the books.

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Charles Krauthammer was quick to jump on the Rubio “facts don’t matter” bandwagon. He told Fox viewers “I’m proud to be a Dullard, and I’m supporting Rubio in 2016.”

“Now, if you don’t feel well or if you are hungry, all you have to do is believe that you are healthy and well fed, and that solves the problem,” said Rubio. “There’s absolutely no need for government or even charities to worry with the unfortunates in our society. Their problems have always been in their collective head, and my new way of looking at things absolves us from taking any action about it. Think of the money we’ll save!”

Republican leaders and talking heads were quick to jump on the Rubio bandwagon. Charles Krauthammer in particular has become a devotee of “Dullardism,” as the new philosophy is being called. Both Krauthammer and George Will lent their intellectual weight to the new ideas on Fox News’ Panneau de Crétins show on Sunday morning. The normally pompous “prig in a wig” Will said, “I’m really humbled and impressed by Rubio’s deep thought on this matter. We haven’t seen this kind of intellectual progress since Kierkegaard made his famous ‘leap of faith.'”

Republicans were not the only ones impressed by Rubio, however. Enough Democrats agree with his system that it is quite likely that no action will be taken to rein in climate change, or any other global problem, for the foreseeable future.

“I think it’s quite likely that nothing will be done about climate change until those morons in Congress are forced use scuba gear on Capitol Hill,” said Kevin Tyndall, Director of the Tyndall Centre for Climate Change Research. “I sincerely hope they all drown in their beds.”

There is however some good news here. Those of us that are over fifty will never feel the full effects of climate change or for that matter Rubio’s new philosophy. We can leave those particular problems for future generations to worry about.

 

 

 

 

Florida Lawmakers Decide To Execute All Uninsured Residents Using New “Put ‘Em In The Ground” Law

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Florida governor and Aztec snake god Rick Scott

TALLAHASSEE-The moronathon that is the Florida legislature has passed a bill today that calls for the immediate execution of all of its citizens who are currently uninsured. Governor Rick Scott (R), a supporter of the bill, is set to sign the legislation on Friday.

Opponents of the bill are outraged and are calling for intervention by the Federal government.

One of the co-sponsors of the bill, Senator Frankie-Bob McTurd of Running Sore Springs spoke to a gathering of journalists late this afternoon. “We have a big problem down here with lazy shiftless poor people cluttering up our state. Do you know that there are 3.8 million people here that are too damn poor to afford health insurance? It’s a damn disgrace! The “Stand Your Ground” law has helped some by allowing us to shoot some of them negras and other minorities, but it just ain’t enough.”

Another sponsor, State Representative Billy Wayne Scrotum of Hemorrhoid Beach, agreed. “We’re doing our best to kill-off the downtrodden by fighting Obamacare tooth and nail. We refused to expand Medicaid, and then we intentionally refused to comply with Medicaid law by limiting emergency room visits. We’re sacrificing millions of federal bucks in order to try to wipe out these vermin, but the process is just too dern slow. So we decided to get this over with once and fer all. We all got together and came up with the “Put ‘Em In The Ground” law. I’m right proud to say I done writ part of it!”

The new legislation will authorize a roundup of every Florida resident who is currently uninsured, about 25% of the total population. The slothful and indolent scum will be placed in concentration camps throughout Cretonia where they will be “processed” as soon as time allows. In the meantime they’ll simply be starved or used to feed giant reptiles in nearby alligator farms.

“I think this is a solution that at least 75 percent of us can live with,” said Governor and Imperial Serpent Head Rick Scott. “I always pay my own damn bill when I go to see my herpetologist and I think everyone else should as well. The Sunshine State is a wonderful place to live and we want to everyone to be able to come visit and enjoy our beautiful beaches without having to worry about destitute individuals clogging up our hospitals or pain clinics.”

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Governor Scott devoured a whole baby rabbit before closing the press conference. He will not need to feed again for several weeks.

When asked about the political ramifications of the move, Scott said, “I’m confident with the help of Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and Fox News, we in the Republican party can continue to count on deluding the vast majority of Floridians into voting against their economic interests. The future is always bright in Florida!”

The press conference closed with a brief ceremony during which Governor Scott consumed a live baby rabbit. The politicians then slithered out of the room.

In Honor Of Black History Month Manatee County Florida Eliminates Minority-Heavy Polling Places

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Name tags are usually worn to identify members of the board

MANATEE COUNTY, FL-At a public meeting last Tuesday, the Manatee County Board of Commissioners voted 6-1 to trim the number of voting precincts within the county in order to “save money” and offer more early voting sites “sometime in the future.” The vote was along party lines, with the only “no” vote coming from the single Democrat on the board. The proposal was put forward by Supervisor of Elections and part-time Obergruppenfuhrer Mike Bennett.

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Republican members of the Board of Commissioners were unmoved by speeches made against the proposal

The move will cut in half the number of polling places in District 2, which is minority-heavy. During the public comment section of the meeting all ten speeches opposed the proposal. The local chapter of the NAACP and the Southern Christian Leadership Council also opposed the move.

Mr. Bennett brushed aside objections by saying that “District 2 had received preferential treatment in the past,” and it was time that they pulled their own weight. He said, “If the folks in District 2 are just too lazy and shiftless to wait six or seven hours in line in order to vote, then to hell with them.”

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Mr. Bennett appeared before reporters sans his trademark hood

Mr. Bennett has long been an advocate of making it difficult for blacks and other minorities to vote. In 2011 and 2012 he backed “election reform” bills designed to make it harder for Democrats in general and blacks in particular to vote in statewide elections. The new law resulted in long lines outside polling places all over Florida. Mr. Bennett was unmoved by the long lines and said to a group of reporters, “I want the people of Florida to want to vote as bad as that person in Africa who’s willing to walk 200 miles…This should not be easy.”

Mr. Bennett then excused himself and left the meeting because, according to an aide, he had a late-night rally to attend in a nearby field.