Tag Archives: republican

ISIS Unleashes Infamous Dumpster Bomber On U.S.

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dumpster-1

 

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – A massive manhunt began on Monday morning as the FBI announced the identity of a suspect wanted for questioning in connection with weekend explosions in New York and New Jersey.

The identification of 28-year-old Ahmad Khan Rahami, a U.S. citizen born in Afghanistan, sparked a frenzied search around the region, as officials suggested that as many as four separate incidents could be linked, and may have been connected to an international network.

Mr. Rahami, known in his native Afghanistan as the “Corpulent Sheik,” is 5’6″ inches tall and weighs over 200 lbs. Rahami is well-known to intelligence sources in Kabul where he has destroyed or badly damaged over 300 dumpsters using explosive devices made from various cooking utensils.

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At 5’6” and 200 lbs, Rahami is known in his native Afganistan as the “Corpulent Sheik.” His signature weapon is the common pressure cooker which he uses to cook all his meals. After each attack the nauseating stench of rancid goat flesh permeates the blast zone.

“Rahami should be considered armed and dangerous,” said a CIA operative on condition of anonymity. “The public should at all costs avoid loitering or passing out in dark, filthy alleys behind restaurants and bars.

“And most importantly, if anyone spots a chubby Afghan using a stepladder to wrestle a large unwieldy box or bag into a dumpster under the cover of darkness, they shouldn’t try to help him unless he’s a friend or acquaintance.

“This man is a savage and completely unpredictable,” continued the operative,”thanks to his patented ‘Pashtun Pressure Cookers’ he single-handedly ran Waste Management out of Kabul.”

GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump was quick to condemn the bombings saying, “After that dumpster went up I saw thousands of Arabs cheering outside Clinton Campaign Headquarters over in Brooklyn. Those people just don’t have our values. They’re dirty and don’t appreciate a good trash receptacle.

“After I’m elected I promise no one will dare attack our big, beautiful dumpsters.”

Trump Delegate Still Stuck In Cleveland

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trumpdelegate3

 

CLEVELAND- (CT&P) – Herbert Schicklegruber, Trump delegate from Broward County, Florida, is still stranded in Cleveland weeks after the conclusion of the hatefest known as the GOP convention. Schicklegruber, a political activist from the outskirts of Tampa, was arrested after a party he threw in his hotel room on the opening night of the election.

It seems Schicklegruber and three prostitutes of various sexes went on an all night drug fueled sexual rampage, destroying his room in the process. The police were called after foul-smelling brown water was discovered dripping from the ceiling in the room immediately below.

Schicklegruber told the cops that things got a little out of hand after he got excited during Rudy Guiliani’s speech.

“I dig Rudy,” said Schicklegruber, “and when he said Donald Trump will do to America what he did to New York, well, to be perfectly honest I got a hard-on.”

Things apparently went downhill from there because after the speakers were finished the delegate went into a back alley and procured around $400.00 worth of methamphetamine and the aforementioned hookers.

Schicklegruber told police that he regretted his actions because he was only able to enjoy one night of the convention and he was really looking forward seeing General Flynn foam at the mouth.

Because of his financial situation and extensive record in Broward County, Schicklegruber has so far been unable to post bail and return home. His girlfriend of three weeks, Lou Anne Smegma, has made repeated entreaties to her neighbors in the Kooky Moon Trailer Park where the couple currently live.

“I’ve raised enough to cover my alcohol and cigarette expenses and I’ve put back over $25.00 bucks for Herbert,” said Smegma. “A friend of mine is gonna start a GoFundMe page next week so I hope we can get Herbert out before the election.

“He’d be heartbroken if he couldn’t vote.”

 

Basket Of Deplorables Object To Being Called Deplorable

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nazi6666

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Representatives from Donald Trump’s infamous “Basket of Deplorables” are expressing their shock and sadness at Hillary Clinton calling them deplorable despite not knowing what the fuck the word even means.

“I’m not quite sure what she was talkin’ about, but I know it’s somethin’ bad,” said Milford Snodgrass of Turdwallop, South Carolina during an interview with Eleven Dead or Alive News.

Snodgrass, a despicable racist with a swastika tattoo on his forehead, is a meth cook and part-time employee of Tractor Supply in Columbia.

“I’m always gettin’ criticized for sayin’ nigger and camel jockey instead of all that politically correct bullshit. As far as I’m concerned they can shove that stuff up their ass. Hell, I’ll do it myself once Trump makes America great again!”

Suzie “Hep C” Muleshaker from Toxic Springs, Florida told CNN that she didn’t know what “deplorable” meant until a friend from a neighboring trailer told her.

“That Hillary bitch is the deplorable one,” she said. “She belongs in jail for all that computer shit and killing all those folks in Europe or wherever it was.

“I think it’s high time we white people stood up for ourselves. We’re being run over by all these lazy violent black folks and the Messicans poring across the border bringing in all that Ebola.

“When Trump gets in office I’m hoping I can get a job down at the wall manning a machine gun or something like that. It’s damn hard makin’ a livin’ around here with all these folks stealin’ our jobs.”

According to Merriam-Webster, there has been huge interest in the word “deplorable” since Clinton made the comment. The online dictionary reports that searches of the word “deplorable” increased by nearly 50,000% over the weekend.

Although he offered no specific information on who was doing the searching, a representative from the company told Rachel Maddow of MSNBC that he was relatively sure they weren’t from the “better educated” demographic.

 

Trump Makes Surprising Bid For Mexico’s Electoral Votes

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trumpdumb

 

MEXICO CITY – (CT&P) – GOP presidential candidate and village idiot Donald Trump is traveling to Mexico to meet with President Enrique Peña Nieto Wednesday afternoon, shortly before the nominee is slated to give another incoherent speech on immigration in Phoenix.

The trip, which Mr. Trump announced late Tuesday and which was confirmed by the office of Mr. Peña Nieto, follows an invitation the Mexican president sent Friday to both Mr. Trump and Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton, according to Mr. Peña Nieto’s office. The president’s office said the invitation “was well received by both campaign teams.”

Mr. Trump told Wolf Blitzer of CNN earlier today that it was important to make the trip because the election was going to be close and he needed to garner all the Electoral College votes he could.

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During interviews earlier this summer, President Nieto called Trump “the very embodiment of evil,” and compared him to Mussolini, Hitler, Pol Pot, Satan, and Cthulhu, whose mere countenance is enough to drive men insane.

“I want the Mexican people to know that even though I intend to build a thousand mile 35 foot high impenetrable wall between our countries that deep down I’m a compassionate and reasonable guy and I’ll do my best to find jobs in Mexico for the 16 million men, women, and children I plan to uproot and ship back south,” said Trump, while making weird hand gestures with his minuscule digits.

“I’m confident that once I talk to President Nieto and hold a rally in Mexico City I can convince the population, which is made up almost entirely of criminals, to vote for me so I can grab those all important electoral votes,” said the giant bipedal turd.

GOP strategist and adviser to the Evan McMillan campaign Rick Wilson appeared on MSNBC shortly after Trump’s comments on CNN and told viewers that never in the history of the United States has the country been saddled with such a moronic candidate.

“The man is like a orange chimpanzee on crack,” said Wilson. “Not only is Trump a racist xenophobe who treats women as property, but he’s an imbecile of epic proportions.”

“The only people who would score lower on an IQ test might be his supporters. I’ve seen bovines that were more intelligent. Folks who support this pitiful excuse for a human being will be trying to wash off the stench for the rest of their lives.”

Mr. Trump is scheduled to meet with President Nieto sometime late this afternoon. The exact time and place of the meeting is being kept secret in order to keep gunfire and explosions to a minimum.

 

 

Trump Becomes Disoriented During Speech, Thinks He’s In Fucking Mogadishu

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People escape from the direction of a huge fire-ball after an accidental explosion at a petrol storage facility within the former United States residential housing in capital Mogadishu September 3, 2013. REUTERS/Feisal Omar (SOMALIA - Tags: DISASTER ENERGY)

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – While giving his acceptance speech as the GOP nominee Thursday night Donald Trump became confused and disoriented and thought he was running for president of Somalia.

 

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Trump told the seething mass of hate filled delegates that the moment he took office law and order would return.

During the 76 minute long horror fest, Trump described a dystopian hellscape that few people outside the arena recognized. The description of the country in which we live was so bleak and disturbing that many of the older delegates in the arena chose suicide rather than return to their districts.

 

Yelling like a warlord on khat, Trump told his audience of insecure, terrified white people that we are awash in a sea of random violence with illegal immigrants, terrorists, brown folks, black folks, yellow folks, red folks, Hillary Clinton, and Satan himself all posing an existential threat to the country.

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Trump said he alone could make Amtrak trains run on time.

 

Only the day after the speech was it revealed that the fluorescent rodent of a man had suffered a mild stroke on Wednesday night while watching Blackhawk Down so he could get in the mood for his big appearance.

 

“He still thinks he’s surrounded by black militants trying to kill us all,” said an aide on condition of anonymity. “The guy was never too bright to begin with. God knows how much damage was done to his small brain. This is gonna be a long three months, I can tell you that.”

 

Graham Under Investigation For Stealing Gold Fillings From Deceased Parishioners

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franklin-graham

 

RALEIGH – (CT&P) – The North Carolina Bureau of Investigation has confirmed that a probe has been initiated into the activities of the Reverend Franklin Graham concerning accusations of theft from families of deceased members of his church.

Lieutenant R.J. Scrotum of the NCBI told reporters this morning that Graham has been accused of stealing several Rolex watches, two diamond brooches, one Congressional Medal of Honor, numerous expensive wedding rings, and most shocking of all, hundreds of gold fillings from the corpses of members of his flock.

“We have received credible information that leads us to believe that Mr. Graham on more than one occasion waited until people left the funerals he was officiating then broke open the coffins and robbed the corpses. We believe that this activity has been going on for years, and we ask any members of Graham’s church who have suspicions to please come forward and meet with us.”

When asked how the NCBI became aware of the alleged thefts, Officer Scrotum said that a family member became suspicious when he inadvertently picked up Graham’s coat at a get together after his aunt’s funeral and discovered garden shears and pliers in the pockets.

“I said wait just one fucking minute, what does this guy need with those?” said Cletis Toadskinner of Hemorrhagic Springs, South Carolina. “Then I remembered him hanging around and being the last to leave the graveside. So I had Aunt Elba dug up and sure enough, she was missing her ring finger and four of her teeth were gone. It was devastating.

“I remember thinking what a hypocritical asshole that dude was when I saw him on television, but I had no idea he was that creepy, I mean Jesus Christ!”

Graham was arrested this morning in Asheville but he was later released on a $1 million bond.

As Graham was leaving the courthouse today an aide said the charges against him were ridiculous and called the bond a “drop in the bucket compared to what we rake in each week from all those ignorant hicks.”

 

 

Evangelicals Ditch Jesus, Place Faith In Trump

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jesus55

 

CLEVELAND – (CT&P) – White evangelical voters overwhelmingly back Donald Trump for president, according to a new poll released last Wednesday.

Trump, the presumptive GOP presidential nominee, has 78 percent support among registered voters who identify as white evangelical Protestants, while Hillary Clinton, widely considered to be the Antichrist, has 17 percent, a Pew Research Center Survey found.

Fifty-five percent said they “strongly support” Trump, while twenty-three percent said they were wavering between him and Jesus Christ, the presumptive Son of God.

“It’s a tough call,” said Grover McCluck of Forlorn Hope, West Virginia. “I’ve always supported Jesus, but look at how many Messicans and Mooselims he’s allowed to come into our country. I tell ya’ I’m more than a little disappointed with this whole ‘love thy neighbor’ crap. It costing us too many jobs.

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The statues in Dr. Ben Carson’s hallway reportedly wept blood after the poll was released.

“Hell, I lost my job at the coal mine ’cause of all them Hispanic kids pouring across the border,” said McCluck, as he coughed up small bits of lung.

The Reverend Franklin Graham, evangelist and hypocritical turd, told CNN that he didn’t find the shift from Jesus to Donald surprising at all.

“Look, we uber Christians talk a good game, but when it comes down to it, our main goal is to amass as much wealth as possible. After all, we’re not idiots. We’re not going to let a bunch of hooey from the New Testament get in the way of our lifestyle, now are we?”

When asked if evangelicals would not be considered hypocrites for supporting such a hideous human being for president, Graham just laughed and said, “You really are naive, aren’t you?”

“We think that Trump’s fascist plans for deportation, tax breaks for the rich, and alienation of every minority in the United States will allow us white folks to be in power for decades to come, and that bodes well for our pocketbooks. In short, money talks and bullshit walks!”

The same poll showed surprisingly little support among black evangelicals.

“We’re not so easily fooled by idiots making ridiculous promises,” explained Cornell Brooks, president of the NAACP.

“We’ve been dealing with that bullshit for over 200 years.”

Trump Delegate Misses First Night At Convention

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redneckswithguns44

 

CLEVELAND – (CT&P) – Trump delegate Billy Bob McSneed from Deer Tick, Tennessee missed the entire first night of the GOP convention after going on a two-day bender after he arrived in Cleveland early Saturday morning.

McSneed, a part-time slaughterhouse janitor and respected meth cook in Hemophilia County in the Appalachian foothills, told the leader of the Tennessee delegation that he became overly excited because it was the first time he had been out-of-state since 1994, when he was fleeing police on crack cocaine charge.

“Listen, Saturday was the first time I ever rode on a flying machine and it really pumped me up,” said McSneed when interviewed by a local television station. “I just felt like lettin’ my hair down a little bit and me and some gals I met in the alley behind the motel just had us a little party, that’s all. I’m all in for Trump. He’s my man!”

According to WKYC in Cleveland McSneed has agreed to pay for damage done to his room and an elevator during the “party” and will be allowed to stay the rest of the week provided he is supervised by other members of the Tennessee delegation.

Advisers Scramble To Show Trump Where Turkey Is Located

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trumpdumb

 

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Advisers and aides to Donald Trump had to scramble this afternoon to locate maps and a globe so they could show him just where the fuck Turkey was.

“We showed him two or three times and then tested him by showing him a map without the names of the countries on it,” said an aide speaking on condition of anonymity. “After about a dozen attempts he finally figured it out.”

Trump, not known for his knowledge of anything, is particularly ignorant when it comes to foreign policy.

“He is completely inept when comes to geography,” said the aide. “Ask him to point out Australia and he may point to Antarctica or even Corsica. He’s a real fuckwit.”

After briefing the GOP nominee on where Turkey was located and the difference between Asia and Europe, his staff then wrote out a detailed response to the coup that he could send out on Twitter.

No one on Trump’s staff believed he had any idea what the statement meant.

Trump Delegate Looks Forward To Finding A ‘Real Man’ At GOP Convention

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redneck_bride

 

BATON ROUGE – (CT&P) – Tanya “Hep C” McGhee, a Trump delegate from Syphilis Springs, Louisiana told CNN last week that she hopes to “land a real man” when she travels to Cleveland in less than two weeks.

“There just ain’t too many guys to choose from down here. All the good ones is taken and the few that are left just want to take advantage of me for my body,” said McGhee, as she wiped tobacco juice from her chin.

When asked why she supported Trump, she said that he really told it like it was and would help run off “all them slant-eyed devils” coming in from southeast Asia and stealing all the good jobs at all the hair salons and “toenail trimmers.”

“Trump is gonna make America great again like it was before we let all them black folks and foreigners come in and take over,” said McGhee. “Obama has done destroyed this country and it’s gonna take a straight talkin’ businessman like Trump to rebuild ‘Murica.”

McGhee said that while she was in Cleveland she’d be staying at the Motel 6 out by the airport and that any ‘real man’ interested in a loving, long-term relationship should make plans to drop by.

McGhee said that she’s optimistic that out of all the neo-Nazis and white nationalists that are planning to attend, there’d be at least one who would make a good husband and dad to her seven young kids.

“There’s got to be at least one guy out there that’ll appreciate a hard-workin’, fun-lovin’, gal like me,” said McGhee.

McGhee said that whoever comes by her room better damn sure bring his own Budweiser because she’s “had it up to here” with freeloaders.