Tag Archives: republican

Fredo Suspends Campaign To Manage Greyhound Track

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MIAMI – (CT&P) – After a poor performance in Saturday’s South Carolina Republican primary, Jeb Bush suspended his campaign and told supporters that he would be headed back to Florida to help manage a greyhound track close to his home in Coral Gables.

Jeb, known affectionately as “Fredo” within the Bush crime family, said that he was looking forward to managing the track and making money for his mom Barbara, who recently took over the reins of the criminal empire from her husband George.

“I can handle things… I’m smart! Not like everybody says! Like, dumb! I’m smart… and I want respect!” said Jeb, as he trembled violently in front of a crowd of over 25 supporters. “I never really wanted to run for office. I just want a nice quiet job where I can count money and pet the doggies.”

“We had high hopes for Jeb ever since he was a little kid,” said the new Godmom Barbara, “but he just doesn’t have what it takes to be an international crime boss like his brother.”

Bush is expected to take over as manager of the Furry Friends Greyhound Track in Tamiami in early April after he returns from a brief “toughening up” trip out west under the supervision of Bush capo Richard “The Dick” Cheney.

 

McConnell Threatens To Destroy Tokyo

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mcconnell

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – During an interview with Fox News couch tumor Steve Doocy this morning, Senate Majority Leader and behemoth reptile Mitch McConnell threatened Tokyo with “utter and complete destruction” if President Obama had the audacity to nominate a replacement for Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, who recently assumed room temperature.

McConnell told Doocy that “never in the history of the United States” has a president been allowed to nominate a justice during the last three years of his term.

“The constitution only allows presidents to nominate judges during their first year in office,” said McConnell, as he consumed a large pine tree outside his Louisville office. “Everyone knows the rules, and the fact that Obama is willing to flout them like this just proves that he is in fact the Antichrist. If he dares to make a nomination, I promise I’ll lay waste to Tokyo and move on from there.”

McConnell’s threats were taken seriously by the Japan Self-Defense Forces, who immediately went on alert and started lining up antiquated tanks and rocket launchers along the shores of Tokyo Bay.

“We have to take these threats seriously,” said General Tojo Yamamoto of the JSDF. “McConnell’s tough outer shell and leathery skin make him almost impervious to conventional weapons. We may have to call in other monsters such as Ted Cruz or even Michele Bachmann in order to stop him.”

Until now McConnell has been satisfied to merely lumber onto to Pennsylvania Avenue and stop traffic in all directions to satisfy his unquenchable thirst for obstruction. However, these new threats mark a willingness to up the ante and destroy every in his path in order to get his way.

The Obama Administration so far has not been willing to use “the nuclear option” to destroy McConnell, but with Tokyo and other major cities under threat of annihilation this may change.

“We don’t want to nuke him,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest, “but when you’re dealing with a throwback from the early Jurassic period, you have to keep all your options open.”

12 Dead At RNC Headquarters Building After Rubio Fails Voight-Kampff Test

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – The Associated Press is reporting at least 12 dead and 27 injured today inside the RNC Headquarters building in Washington, D.C. after presidential hopeful Marco Rubio went berserk during a Voight-Kampff test.

The test, which measures bodily functions such as respiration, heart rate, blushing and eye movement in response to emotionally provocative questions, was ordered by RNC Chairman Reince Priebus in an attempt to determine if Rubio was human or some form of advanced robot.

“After Marco’s performance in Saturday night’s debate, we felt we owed it to our voters to determine whether Marco was indeed a human being or some kind of malfunctioning replicant,” said Priebus. “I guess we got our answer.”

Rubio reportedly answered a series of questions about his part-time senate job successfully before the examiner moved on to questions about tortoises and Rubio’s supposed mother.

According to an eyewitness, when the examiner asked Rubio if his mother was a reptile with a protective shell, the candidate leaped over the table and snapped the examiner’s neck like it was a toothpick.

“Then he went on a rampage, overpowering security guards and slaughtering half the staff,” said the witness, on condition of anonymity. “I’ve never seen anything like it. He had this childlike grin on his face as crushed the skulls of our employees with his bare hands. He kept demanding to know when he was made, and when no one could answer, he just slaughtered them. It was horrific.”

According to Priebus, SWAT teams reportedly have Rubio cornered inside a janitor’s closet where he’s holding several volunteers and lobbyists hostage. A FBI hostage negotiator has been called in.

So far Rubio has refused to give up and keeps repeating the phrase “Obama knows what he’s doing” over and over again. An RNC insider is telling Reuters that assault teams will give the negotiator a few hours to reason with Rubio before they move in.

“We hope we can resolve this without further loss of life, but if push comes to shove we’ll blow that closet all to hell,” said Priebus. “We can’t have robots going berserk and killing our people willy-nilly. We don’t care so much about the volunteers, but lobbyists are another thing entirely.”

 

ARMY OF THE TWELVE CRETINS

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NOT YOUR USUAL HORROR FILM

BANNED IN ALL OTHER WESTERN DEMOCRACIES

SEE: THE FACES OF MODERN FASCISM!

SEE: CANDIDATES WITH A TOTAL LACK OF EMPATHY!

SEE: THE VERY EMBODIMENT OF RIGHT WING BLOOD LUST!

SEE: THE LIVING DEAD TRY TO DRAG US BACK TO THE MIDDLE AGES!

SEE: BRAIN DAMAGED CANDIDATES TRY DESPERATELY TO MAKE SENSE!

SEE: RELIGIOUS KOOKS ATTEMPT TO QUENCH THEIR INSATIABLE THIRST FOR A THEOCRACY!

STARRING: THE PUTRID REMAINS OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY

Jeffrey Schlongstein of the Washington Post writes: “This is one movie you don’t dare miss. Our very way of life may depend on it.”

NOW SHOWING IN IOWA AND NEW HAMPSHIRE

SOON TO COME TO A PODIUM NEAR YOU

RATED R FOR RACISM

Ted Cruz Picks Up Key Endorsement

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satan44

 

THE RIVER STYX, HELL – Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz picked up a key endorsement today from Satan, the Prince of Darkness and Spirit of Evil. The surprise endorsement came during a hastily called press conference early this morning along the banks of the River Styx, on the outskirts of Hades.

Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told assembled journalists that Lucifer, who has long been expected to endorse current GOP front runner Donald Trump, changed his mind and will be backing Cruz throughout the primaries.

“His Majesty the King of Hell feels that Senator Cruz embodies the all the qualities we hold dear here in the Abyss of Eternal Suffering,” said Balthazar. “It was a close call, because so many of the Republican candidates are truly horrible human beings, but Ted shined in the key ‘hypocrite’ category, and that won him the endorsement in the end.”

“Mephistopheles believes that when it comes down to it, none of the GOP candidates can match Ted for his ability to mask his dark soul and evil intentions while claiming to be a Christian. He’s truly an abominable human being, and we feel he has the best chance to usher in a period of hell on earth that will pave the way for El Diablo’s reign on your miserable planet.”

The endorsement came as a complete surprise to Donald Trump, who was counting on the endorsement after exhibiting all the characteristics of a racist, misogynistic, homophobic fascist on the campaign trail.

Trump told Wolf Blitzer that he was really counting on a “Beelzebub Bump” in the polls.

“Instead I’m stuck with this fucking idiot Sarah Palin,” said a despondent Trump. “I’m going to have to come up with a new plan.”

 

Michigan Governor Rick Snyder Announces Plans To Carpet Bomb Flint

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LANSING – (CT&P) – Michigan Governor Rick Snyder (R) announced today that he is ordering the Michigan Air National Guard to carpet bomb Flint “until the entire fucking city is flattened.”

A spokesman for the governor told CNN that Snyder was “sick and fucking tired” of Flint residents bellyaching about lead in their water, the outbreak of Legionaires’ disease ravaging the city, and the guillotining of citizens who commit misdemeanors within the city limits.

“If these people don’t like the way Governor Snyder is running things in Flint, then they can just die along with all the rest of his Democrat opponents,” said Maximilien Robespierre, Snyder’s chief of staff.

“All these folks do is whine about representative government and clean drinking water,” said Robespierre, as wiped blood from corner of his mouth. “They should be glad they live in a state that’s run by a right-wing Christian governor like Rick. There’s plenty of places on earth where people are forced to drink their own urine because there’s no water at all. If you ask me the residents of Flint have it made.”

Snyder, considered by many to be the Antichrist, was once an up and coming star of the Republican Party until he began poisoning the children of Michigan with lead and other heavy metals.

“Poisoning kids is where we have to draw the line,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. “I mean if they were all black or Hispanic that would one thing, but Snyder ruined the lives of a bunch of white kids as well, and we can’t abide that.”

According to the governor’s office the bombing is set to begin on Sunday morning in honor of Jesus, because Snyder claims to rule by divine right. As an act of kindness pamphlets warning of the city’s impending doom will be dropped on Flint Saturday along with canisters of mustard gas which is intended to drive as many residents out of the city as possible before the bombing begins.

“It should be quite a show,” said a gleeful Robespierre.

 

El Chapo Surrenders In Time For The Iowa Caucuses

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MEXICO CITY – (CT&P) – Mexican authorities are reporting that drug lord and escape artist extraordinaire “El Chapo” has turned himself in to police in order to move to the United States in time for a run for the GOP nomination.

President Enrique Pena Nieto announced the news via Twitter on Friday, six months after the kingpin brazenly broke out of a high security prison through a tunnel.

Guzman, the head of the infamous Sinaloa Cartel who Pena Nieto first caught in 2014, was taken into custody in the drug baron’s native state of Sinaloa, a government security source said.

“Mission accomplished: We have him,” Pena Nieto said on his Twitter account. “I want to inform all Mexicans that Joaquin Guzman Loera will soon be leaving Mexico and will become the Yankees’ problem.”

Once featured in the Forbes list of billionaires, Guzman is one of the world’s top crime bosses, whose Sinaloa Cartel has smuggled billions of dollars worth of cocaine, marijuana and methamphetamines into the United States and fought vicious turf wars with other Mexican gangs.

Political pundits consider Guzman the only candidate who could match Donald Trump’s viciousness, bigotry, and deep pockets and give him a real run for his money for the GOP nomination.

“We really look forward to “El Chapo” joining the race,” said Reince Priebus, the once-powerful head of the RNC.

“Things were looking pretty grim for the GOP for a while, what with a bigoted casino owner and Satan incarnate the only serious contenders for the nomination. I think Guzman will provide a progressive alternative that establishment Republicans can rally around. The future is still bright for the party of Lincoln!”

CBO Warns Of Increased Deficits If Trump Elected

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – The Congressional Budget Office released a statement this morning which warned that there would be grave economic consequences if Donald Trump gains the White House.

The report detailed the tremendous expense of building and maintaining the huge number of concentration camps necessary to house and slaughter the millions of Hispanics, Muslims, homosexuals, journalists, opposition politicians, and intellectuals that Trump has promised to silence were he elected.

“Sure, we would get some reward out of the forced labor that would be made available as these people slowly starve to death, but the costs far outweigh the benefits,” said Keith Hall, director of the CBO. “We did extensive computer modeling of the problem, and even if we reduced the food intake of the prisoners to around 600 calories per day, we would still be in the red. It’s expensive business killing all these folks.”

Donald Trump reacted to the report in a series of Tweets today calling the CBO’s analysis a “load of crap.”

“The CBO has no idea what it’s talking about,” said the presidential hopeful. “I’ll build the biggest, most beautiful concentration camps the world has ever seen. The Nazis ain’t got nothing on Trump. And, I’ll tell you something else, when I’m elected I’ll do away with the CBO and put its employees behind barbed wire where they belong.”

When opposing GOP candidates pointed out that Trump’s popularity would fall once he ran low on victims, Trump pointed out that there was an unlimited supply.

“Once we do away with all the Mexicans and Muslims, we can start working on the Catholics, Jews, and poor people,” said Trump. “There’s always another scapegoat waiting in the wings.”

 

 

Hillary Proposes Federal Night Light Program For Pussified Americans

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SCAREDYCAT, IOWA – (CT&P) – During a campaign stop in Iowa this morning, Hillary Clinton unveiled her plans for a new federal program that would provide night lights for cowardly Americans who are terrified that they may become victims of Islamic terror.

The program would distribute night lights to families who could not otherwise afford them. It would also provide adult diapers to those who soil themselves at the mere mention of anything Islamic.

“I know what it’s like to wake up in the middle of the night only to realize that there are strange people in weird outfits wandering around your bedroom,” said Clinton.

“I hope this program will boost the courage of the millions of Americans who seem to have the backbone of a jellyfish. After all, you’re more likely to be eaten alive by a horde of rabid rodents than be a victim of terrorists.”

The proposal was universally condemned by GOP candidates who said that it was just another liberal handout designed to make Americans dependent on government.

Republican senator and presidential candidate Ted Cruz called the proposal a typical Democrat move to try to turn night into day.

“We need to concentrate on turning black and brown into white instead,” said Cruz, as he stole candy from a small child.

Clinton promised that during her first month in office she would do everything she possibly could to bolster the self-esteem and courage of the pussies who seem to make up such a large part of the American electorate.

 

CNN Moves GOP Debate Venue To Some Beer Hall In Munich

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ATLANTA – (CT&P) – Jeff Zucker, president of CNN Worldwide, announced this morning that Tuesday’s Republican presidential debate would be moved from The Venetian in Las Vegas, Nevada to the Bürgerbräukeller Jr, a large beer hall in Munich, Germany.

Zucker made the announcement during an appearance on CNN’s New Day, hosted by noted intellectual Chris Comatose.

“We thought that the change of venue was appropriate given what is going on in today’s Republican Party and the atmosphere would better reflect the ideas and policy proposals of the front runners for the nomination,” said Zucker.

Reaction to the move was mixed among the candidates with some backing the change wholeheartedly and others worried that it might disrupt campaign schedules.

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz both told Sean Hannity on his radio show that they felt right at home in Munich and looked forward to meeting hair-challenged supporters in the region.

However, some candidates such as Jeb Bush were uncertain about the last minute change because Germany had accepted so many Syrian refugees in recent weeks.

“I think we could be opening ourselves up to a security risk,” said Bush. “The vast majority of those refugees are Muslims, and I just don’t see how Germany could be as safe as the good ole USA where all us Christians live.”

Perhaps the most confusing response came from the Carson Campaign.

“I’m really looking forward to visiting Germany,” said Carson. “I’ve never been to South America before.”

Zucker dismissed criticism from right wing radio that the change of venue was a liberal media conspiracy to make the Republicans look like a bunch of clowns.

“They certainly don’t need our help to do that,” chuckled Zucker.