Tag Archives: republican

Cruz Refuses To Criticize Fellow Asshole

Posted in politics by

ted_cruz6

COLUMBIA, S.C. – (CT&P) – GOP presidential candidate Ted Cruz flatly refused to criticize Donald Trump for statements he made yesterday regarding Muslims and a possible ban on all people of that faith entering the United States.

“I do not believe the world needs my voice added to that chorus of critics,” Cruz said at a Tuesday press conference, referencing the large group of Republican and Democratic presidential candidates who have criticized the plan.

“And listen,” Cruz added, “I commend Donald Trump for standing up and focusing America’s attention on the need to secure our borders.”

“You won’t catch me criticizing a fellow asshole like Donald Trump,” said Cruz, as he stole some candy from a small child loitering on the edge of the crowd.

“I consider Donald Trump a friend of mine, and I only have two or three of them, so I can’t afford to go around alienating my brother cocksuckers all the time. Hell, even my own family hates my fucking guts, so I have to be careful what I say.

“I believe Donald is on the right track with his bigoted and xenophobic ideas and policy proposals, and I think you’re going to find out that the fascists that make up the right wing base of the Republican Party agree with us.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go. I promised my supporters I’d go kick the shit out of that homeless black veteran dozing in the alley over there.”

Desperate Carson To Lobotomize Another Set Of Twins On National Television

Posted in health care, humor, politics by

ben-carson-300x210

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – After seeing his poll numbers plummet over recent weeks because of his complete ignorance regarding foreign policy, GOP presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson has agreed to separate another set of conjoined twins live on national television.

Carson is scheduled to perform the surgery the week before Christmas, and an 800 number and dedicated web site will be available for contributions to his campaign during the event. Carson plans on cutting the normally nine hour operation down to a mere three hours so he can perform the entire surgery in prime time.

In order to emphasize his surgical expertise, Carson plans limit his instruments to a hacksaw, a pair of garden shears, and a curling iron to cauterize the wound in order to stem blood loss.

“Dr. Carson hopes that by replicating the operation that made him famous, but in more spectacular fashion, he can rejuvenate his campaign and retake the initiative,” said Carson campaign manager Barry Bennett.

“This time the operation will be on national television and Dr. Carson will emphasize speed instead of precision. Hopefully the American public will be impressed enough with Dr. Carson’s skill as a surgeon that they’ll forget that he’s a fucking moron when it comes to almost every other subject.”

Experts predict that the unorthodox technique will render basically the same results as his prior efforts with conjoined twins, most of whom are unable to speak or feed themselves even after years of therapy.

“Results are not what’s important here,” said Bennett. “You have to remember that Dr. Carson is a Republican.”

 

 

 

Bentley To Lead GOP Delegation To Raqqa

Posted in humor, politics by

bentley

 

MONTGOMERY – (CT&P) – Alabama Governor Robert Bentley has been named to lead a GOP delegation to Raqqa next month to meet with ISIS leaders in order to better coordinate the Republican Party’s response to recent terror attacks. Senator Jeff Sessions, (R-AL) will also be part of the delegation.

The delegation, made up of GOP governors and lawmakers, will sit down and try to iron out just how the party can better achieve the goals and ambitions of ISIS and other terrorist organizations around the Middle East.

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus told CNN that although the Republican leadership felt like it had taken positive steps to cooperate and support ISIS by banning Syrian refugees entry to many states, and trying to shut down the refugee program completely in the U.S. House of Representatives, a lot more could be accomplished if politicians could sit down face-to-face with the terrorists and iron out a detailed plan for cooperation.

“We really want to foster hatred for all Muslims around the world and try our best to make this a Christianity vs Islam world war, and we feel the best way to do that is cooperate fully with ISIS and do their bidding as much as possible,” said Priebus.

isisleader

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told Al-Jazeera that he was delighted that the goals of the Paris attack were being achieved and looked forward to working closer with Republican lawmakers.

“We named Governor Bentley and Senator Sessions to lead this delegation because they were the most bigoted assholes we could think of, and it sure doesn’t hurt that they’re from Alabama, given its history of racial prejudice and backwards-ass lawmaking.

“We wanted to get a few presidential candidates on the delegation but the only one dumb enough to volunteer was Dr. Ben “Mad Dog” Carson, but as it turns out his psychotherapist has not OK’ed him for overseas travel.”

The delegation is scheduled to fly into Baghdad and travel overland to Raqqa to meet ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and some of his most murderous lieutenants.

“I look forward to meeting some of America’s dumbest politicians, and building a long-term mutually beneficial relationship with these dirty, filthy pig-dogs,” said Baghdadi during an interview with Al-Jazeera.

“However, I would like to warn them not to smoke or insult the Prophet while in Raqqa or they will be burned alive or torn apart by wild dogs while we watch.”

The delegation is scheduled to arrive in Raqqa on December 23rd, just in time for Christmas.

 

 

 

Carson Advisers Terrified That He Could Actually Win

Posted in humor, politics by

epa04115870 Professor Emeritus at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine Dr. Ben Carson speaks at the 41st Annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), at the Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center in National Harbor, Maryland, USA, 08 March 2014. EPA/MICHAEL REYNOLDS

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Surging poll numbers in Iowa and across the country have made it clear that enough Americans are so mentally deficient that Dr. Ben Carson actually has a chance to win the GOP nomination for president.

The change in fortune for Carson has his advisers and close confidants plenty worried.

Responding to a calamitous interview with Chris Wallace on Fox News Sunday in which Carson appeared to be brain-damaged, longtime friend and adviser Armstrong Williams said, “We’re used to Ben making batshit crazy remarks about pyramids and Noah’s Ark, that’s par for the course with him, but his total ignorance on matters of national security and foreign policy is downright frightening. There’s just no telling what he would do in the White House besides putting up a velvet portrait of Jesus.”

“Nobody has been able to sit down with him and have him get one iota of intelligent information about the Middle East,” said Duane R. Clarridge, a former CIA agent and top adviser to Dr. Carson on terrorism and national security. He also said Mr. Carson needed weekly conference calls briefing him on foreign policy so “we can make him smart.”

atomicbomb

Carson’s closest advisers are worried that he could accidentally start World War III because he loves pushing buttons to see what they do.

“At this point I believe Dr. Carson poses a threat to the security of the United States,” continued Clarridge. “He’s possibly the dumbest son of a bitch to ever run for president.”

Advisers are particularly concerned with Carson’s habit of pushing buttons “to see what they do.”

A Carson campaign official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told Fox News that Carson could accidentally start World War III.

“The moron would more than likely just walk around the White House pushing buttons and whispering nonsense into the Hotline,” said the official.

“Most of us signed on to advise and assist Dr. Carson because we saw it as easy money. He has no idea how much he’s paying any of us anyway. But these polls are the craziest thing I’ve ever seen. I had no idea there were so many idiots out there. It’s scary as hell.”

 

 

 

Ben Carson To Operate On Himself

Posted in humor, politics by

Ben_Carson_376_320_c1_center_top

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – In what experts are calling a ground-breaking new surgical technique, Dr. Ben Carson will perform surgery on his own brain late next month, before the primary season begins.

An aide to the GOP frontrunner told Fox News this morning that the retired neurosurgeon and acclaimed Egyptologist will be operating on parts of his prefrontal cortex and temporal lobes in an attempt to recover memories of key events in his youth.

“Dr. Carson has led the way in experimental brain surgery throughout his career,” said the aide. “If successful, this surgery should allow him to remember the names and dates of every assault and attempted murder he committed while he was growing up. It should also allow Dr. Carson to remember just who it was that offered him a full scholarship to West Point.”

According to the aide, the delicate procedure will be carried out in a room filled with smoke and mirrors, much like his campaign for president.

Although the operation has never attempted before, Carson believes that if successful, it could provide hope for other adults who are unable to remember everyone they attacked and/or murdered in their youth.

The aide said that Carson also hopes that the surgery will boost his IQ, thus allowing him to understand complicated subjects such as civics, history, science, and the concept of vetting political candidates.

Jesus Distances Himself From Christian Right

Posted in humor, politics, religion by

jesus riding dinosaur3.widea

ROME – (CT&P) – Jesus paused briefly to speak with a group of American reporters following his usual brunch with Pope Francis on Sunday to emphasize that he no longer wished to be associated with the Christian Right.

The Son of God addressed the journalists from the back of his new Rapturesaurus, Steve.

“I know this gets tiresome guys, but from time to time I feel it necessary to remind you that just because a group of dimwits claim to be acting in my name, it doesn’t make it so,” said the Prince of Peace.

“It may seem obvious to you, having college educations and all, but when Dad and I say ‘Love thy neighbor,’ we don’t mean ‘love thy neighbor unless he’s black, Mexican, poor, or gay.

“Another thing that really bothers me is this group of idiots that thinks the earth is 6,000 years old. Nothing is more irritating than a group of simpletons who want to teach kids that evolutionary theory is inspired by Lucifer. I know the dude. He could not care less about evolutionary theory. He’s much more interested in things like greed, to name one example.

“Anyway, I just wanted to make it clear that I don’t support any particular candidate for president, although I do like this Jewish dude named Bernie. He sorta reminds me of me when I was young and idealistic, before I had the chance to watch you cretins in action for 2000 years.

“You guys will have to excuse me now, I’m gonna take Steve on a couple of laps around Jerusalem. It seems that there are some Neanderthals with knives that need to be devoured. Later.”

Condemnation of Jesus’ statement was swift among conservative Christians organizations in the U.S., with most saying that Jesus did not know what the hell he was talking about.

Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association summed up their reaction best when he said, “If Jesus would just read the New Testament he’d find out that God hates immigrants, poor people, and above all fags!

“They’re all going to hell no matter what Jesus says!”

 

Ben Carson Takes Two Weeks Off To Come Up With More Crazy Ideas

Posted in humor, politics by

bencarsonlunatic

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Republican presidential contender Dr. Ben Carson has put his public campaign events on hold for two weeks to go on book tour for his new tome “A More Perfect Union” and to attend meetings and seminars with lunatics and simpletons around the country in order to come up with some more batshit crazy ideas to hawk to his uneducated supporters.

An aide to Dr. Carson told Fox News that Carson felt that he needed to take advantage of his rising poll numbers to rake in some cash off sales of his fantasy novel to gullible right-wing Christians who actually believe he has a grasp of history and how government works.

“Dr. Carson has also expressed a desire to move away from the same old crazy ass ideas he’s been spouting and come up with some fresh conspiracy theories and wacked-out revisionist history,” said the aide.

The Republican presidential candidate and brain damaged former neurosurgeon is scheduled to hold lucrative book signings next week in Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Kansas, Nebraska, and Iowa, where he expects dolts, dullards, and twits to stream in from trailer parks and survivalist compounds to meet him and buy copies of his book.

The aide said that the week after next will be spent visiting some of the premier panic monkeys, hucksters, religious zealots, and conspiracy theorists around the country in order to glean new ideas that he can use on the campaign trail to convince his followers that America should be some sort of theocracy ruled by a Christian version of sharia law.

“Dr. Carson plans on attending a seminar on Iron Age dinosaur-aided construction techniques at Ken Ham’s Creation Museum in Kentucky on the 26th,” said the aide. “He plans on spending the rest of the day with Mr. Ham to bone up on Ken’s ideas regarding just how Noah loaded the dinosaurs on the Ark and what they ate during the voyage.

“After spending the night at Ham’s Lucky Trinity Hotel and Casino in Petersburg, Dr. Carson will spend the rest of the week meeting with famous wackos and imbeciles like Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin, and Louie Gohmert, to name a few. Ben is particularly excited to be meeting with Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association to learn how homosexuality is ushering in the End Times, and David Daleiden, who promised to show him some uncut footage of Planned Parenthood chopping up infants and sewing them back together to create armies of infant atheists and Muslims.”

Carson’s whirlwind tour will end with a weekend spent with panic monkey, historical revisionist, and conspiracy theorist extraordinaire Glenn Beck on his End Times ranch and bunker complex located at an undisclosed location in the desert.

“Dr. Carson wants to leave no stone unturned in his quest to get the most fucked up and batshit crazy advice and ideas he can use to shore up his base and attract new lunatics to his cause,” said the aide. “I think by the time he gets back on the campaign trail he’ll be so full of shit you’ll barely recognize him.”

Republicans Nominate Lamar Odom For Speaker Of The House

Posted in humor, politics by

lamarodom

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – CNN is reporting that Republicans have convinced former NBA player and current vegetable Lamar Odom’s legal guardian to allow him to join a crowded field of candidates for Speaker of the House.

Odom, the former basketball star and ex-husband of Khloé Kardashian, is currently comatose at a Las Vegas hospital today, two days after being found unconscious at a Nevada brothel where he had been “partying” since Saturday.

The owner of the Love Ranch, a legal house of prostitution, told NBC News that the 35-year-old athlete had been using a sex stimulant, but it was unclear if that played a role in the medical emergency.

“He was taking herbal Viagra and he was taking a lot of it,” said Dennis Hof, claiming that no illegal drugs were found other than possibly the mysterious white residue that covered every flat surface of the room and the eight grams of crack cocaine found in Odom’s bloodstream.

Former teammates of Odom — who won NBA championships with the Los Angeles Lakers in 2009 and 2010 — were pulling for him to recover.

bencarsonlunatic

Jordan said that Carson’s recent comments convinced the Freedom Caucus that knowledge of history, science, or civics was not necessary for political success. “If an incoherent religious kook can garner this much support for the GOP presidential nomination, then a comatose speaker could be just the thing we need to push the entire country over the cliff,” said Jordan.

However, House Freedom Caucus Chairman Jim Jordan (Neanderthal-OH) told CNN that he hopes Odom remains in his current condition so he can lead the GOP to victory by encouraging gridlock, government shutdowns, and credit defaults.

“Lamar is just what we need,” said Jordan.

“Everyone has seen how Ben Carson has risen in the polls. There’s just something about a brain-damaged black man who appeals to uneducated white voters. I think Mr. Odom will be very popular with our base of evangelical kooks and conspiracy theorists.

“We need someone who will stand up to the forces within our party who want to cooperate with the Democrat minions of Satan for the sole purpose of getting things done. We believe that Mr. Odom will help us deny food and health care to the poor while at the same time keeping women where they belong, in the kitchen or at church. Who cares if we shut down the government or default on our debt? The important thing here is for us to get our way, no matter what damage it does to the country.”

Conservative pundits on talk radio and Fox News applauded the move, with most in agreement that a Carson Administration combined with Odom as Speaker would usher in a new era of American politics reminiscent of the “good old days” before the Enlightenment ruined everything.

Relatives and friends of Odom told Fox News that they thought that Odom would be proud to serve as speaker and if he was able to think or speak he would praise Jordan and the Freedom Caucus’ decision to include him in the race. They also noted that Odom’s inability to move would no doubt help him overcome his problems with drug abuse and irrational behavior.

 

Carson Aide Reveals General Election Strategy

Posted in humor, politics by

Republican U.S. presidential candidate and retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson officially launches his bid for the Republican presidential nomination in Detroit, Michigan May 4, 2015. REUTERS/Rebecca Cook

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – An aide to Republican presidential candidate and unhinged lunatic Dr. Ben Carson revealed his general election strategy should he do the unthinkable and win the GOP nomination. The aide spoke with Fox News desk tumor Sean Hannity on his radio show yesterday on condition of anonymity.

Hannity, a strong supporter of insane people who stumble into the public eye, asked the aide what kind of campaign Carson would run in the unlikely event he made it to the general election, where he would be going up against a Democrat candidate who has full use of her or his frontal lobes.

“Well Sean, we see that as a real problem,” said the mystery aide. “It’s one thing to garner support from an unhinged base who thinks America should be some kind of theocracy, but it’s another thing altogether to try to win over people who can actually reason.

“Our current strategy calls for Dr. Carson, if he wins the nomination, to remain mute for the entire general election. We just can’t take the chance that Ben will repeat his performance of last week while we try to convince normal people that he would make a sane president. I mean, did you hear some of the bullshit that came out of his mouth in the last few days? Jesus!”

Dr. Carson has overcome a lifetime of chronic constipation and a myriad of mental disorders to become a viable candidate for the GOP presidential nomination.

Dr. Carson has overcome a lifetime of chronic constipation and a myriad of mental disorders to become a viable candidate for the GOP presidential nomination.

“But what about the presidential debates he would have to participate in?” asked a distraught Hannity.

“We think it would be best if Dr. Carson simply responds ‘no comment’ to any questions he’s asked on the campaign trail or during any of the debates. You just never know when he’s going to start talking about Hitler, bullet-riddled bodies, or make up some cock and bull story about Popeye’s.

“What if he starts talking about Satanic conspiracies involving fossils or dinosaurs on the Ark or any of that other crap he believes while he’s on national television debating Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders? It would be a disaster. He does fine when surrounded by other kooks, but he’s simply too unbalanced to be allowed to participate in a debate with a person who has an IQ over 75. No, we’re convinced his best bet is to mumble ‘no comment’ and then emit that weird laugh like he knows something everyone else doesn’t.”

The aide went on to tell Hannity that there was a long way to go before the general election, and Dr. Carson had his work cut out for him solidifying his base of paranoid conspiracy theorists, bigots, fundamentalist cretins, and other Tea Bagger dim wits making up the unhinged right-wing of the GOP.

“We’ve got a lot of work to do before the general,” said the aide, “so Dr. Carson will be able to enjoy himself by spouting all the nonsense he wants for quite some time before he’s force-fed a nice big cup of shut the fuck up.”

 

Carson Outlines His Foreign Policy: “We Need To Rush Vladamir Putin”

Posted in humor, politics by

epa04115870 Professor Emeritus at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine Dr. Ben Carson speaks at the 41st Annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), at the Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center in National Harbor, Maryland, USA, 08 March 2014. EPA/MICHAEL REYNOLDS

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – At a prayer breakfast held early this morning in a metro area Waffle House, Republican presidential candidate and unhinged religious wacko Dr. Ben Carson outlined what a Carson Administration’s foreign policy would look like.

“I would get together with European leaders at the next G-20 summit and rush Vladimir Putin,” said Carson.

“And after that, I’d encourage world leaders to surround President Xi Jinping of China and pummel him into submission. The only alternative is just to stand there as he picks us off one by one.”

Republican Freedom Caucus members and other kooks who attended the breakfast were impressed by Carson’s ideas and praised his intellectual approach to problem solving.

Freedom Caucus Chairman Jim Jordan (Moron-OH) told Fox News after the early morning meeting that Carson offered a “fresh approach” to geopolitics.

“Carson is our country’s best hope for a bright future,” said Jordan. “His foreign policy ideas are fresh and exciting. We in the Freedom Caucus are sick and tired of cooperating with other countries. We should just insist on a course of action that we feel is right, and then worry about the consequences to our country later, sorta like what we do in congress.”

Carson is scheduled to attend a meeting of religious and political leaders of the Christian Right later today, where he is expected to unveil his domestic policy initiatives. They are said to include a massive federal sprinkler program that would protect the United States from the destruction of earth by fire during the End Times, which Carson believes is just around the corner.