Tag Archives: republican

Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton Sires Humanoid Life Form

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cotton444

LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS – (CT&P) – Senator Tom Cotton (Idiot-AR) and his wife Rachel were allowed to take their male bipedal hominid home today from Our Lady of the Inbred Hospital and Chain Saw Repair Shop outside Little Rock. Senator Cotton told reporters outside the hospital that the seething mass of protoplasm will be named Gabriel Damien Cotton in honor of both Christopher Walken and Satan, The Prince of Darkness.

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An escaped pediatric nurse provided sonograms of what is purported to be the creature during gestation

 

The spawn had been kept in quarantine since its birth in late April in order to make sure that it posed no risk to the general public. No photos of the offspring have been published by the family, which has done nothing but encourage the disturbing rumors swirling around the creature’s birth.

 

On May 8th, a pediatric nurse formerly employed at the hospital escaped police custody and told the Arkansas Plain Dealer that several emergency operations were done on the critter immediately after its birth, including one to remove a forked tail and two bony protrusions on its forehead.

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Rumors are still swirling about a birthmark found on the spawn before he was sent home from the hospital

The nurse, who wished to remain anonymous, provided several disturbing ultrasound images she said were made during the final stages of the creature’s development within the womb. The sonograms show the image of a dragon or demonic figure resembling the xenomorph made famous in the Alien movie series.

 

“Of course I was horrified but we were told by authorities that if we said anything we would be ‘disappeared’ along with our entire families,” said the nurse. “I finally just could not take it anymore and had to get out of there. I was later tasered and arrested at my home and taken into custody. I managed to escape last week when most of the cops left to attend the annual dog-shooting festival up in Jonesboro.”

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Senator Cotton’s wife Rachel continues to insist that she is a normal human being with real memories and no set expiration date

 

So far the Cottons have refused to comment on the rumors and have insisted that they gave birth to a healthy human male. As she was leaving the hospital Mrs Cotton told reporters that at least the birth should finally quell an earlier batch of “hateful rumors” that she and her husband were actually biorobotic replicants produced in a secret Tea Party laboratory located in an abandoned missile silo in Montana.

“I am not a robot,” said Mrs Cotton. “I am a human being!”

 

The Cottons have issued a press release that the offspring will be home-schooled and kept away from the general public until advisers determine the time is right to precipitate the “End Times” and the young Cotton is old enough to take the reins of a new world government.

 

 

 

Crazy Ass Black Dude Claims He’s Running For President

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Image: 41st Annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC)

DETROIT – (CT&P) – An unidentified black man who according to authorities appeared “dangerously unbalanced” rented a ballroom in downtown Detroit on Monday and insisted to people wandering in off the street that he was running for president of the United States on the Republican ticket.

The man claimed to be a former neurosurgeon and said that God had told him in a dream that he should run for president.

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Among other things, the demented black man claimed that fossils were the work of Satan, homosexuals caused climate change, and Noah put dinosaurs on the Ark.

He then made a two-hour long rambling, disjointed speech that was interspersed with a gospel choir singing rap songs that had been ‘cleaned up’ for purposes of the event.

Among other things, the unhinged black gentleman said that the United States now resembled Nazi Germany, the Affordable Care Act was the worst thing since slavery, and that President Obama was a socialist dictator who was bent on taking over Texas and other parts of the southwest.

Authorities investigating the event told CNN that although the man did not appear to be dangerous, they were keeping a close eye on his comings and goings and had alerted federal agencies that a lunatic posing as a politician was now on the campaign trail.

Detroit Police Chief James Craig told a reporter from the Detroit Free Press that they first became aware of the event when concerned citizens began calling 911 saying that some crazy black man was running around the city claiming to be a Republican.

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Many people began leaving the event when the man said that Jesus rode from town to town in Palestine preaching the gospel from the back of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

“When we heard that, we knew we had a real nut on our hands,” said Chief Craig. “No self-respecting black person would ever vote for those cretins. So we sent some plainclothes officers down to this event he was having to find out just what the hell was going on.”

“My officers reported that the man appeared to be mentally ill because he kept raving that evolution was a myth and the earth was only 6,000 years old. He also told the audience that fossils were the work of Satan and related some wacked-out story about Noah putting dinosaurs on the Ark. I mean, this guy is hanging on to his sanity by a thread,” said Craig.

Chief Craig said that they decided not to arrest the man because he appeared harmless and very few people in Detroit took him seriously.

“We’re questioning some young white Jesus Freaks who helped set up the event, and we hope to discover just who this guy really is so we can do some background checks, but at this time no charges will be filed,” said Craig.

 

Dick Cheney Comes Out As Transhuman: ‘I am a demon’

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Vice President Cheney Criticizes Democrats Iraq Spending Bill

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – During an hour-long interview with Diane Sawyer televised back to back with her two-hour special last night with Bruce Jenner, former Vice President Dick Cheney admitted that he was a “demon from hell” trapped inside a human body.

Cheney really opened up during the interview, and at times even dropped his human guise to reveal his true nature. In a symbolic moment at the start of his interview, Cheney admitted “Yes Diane, for all intents and purposes, I am a fiend spawned in the fires of Hell.”

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On several occasions during the interview Cheney dropped his human guise and let the public see his true nature.

For the Satan-worshiping community, the moment was almost as significant as when Hitler was elected president of Germany in 1934. Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR), widely believed to be the Antichrist, tweeted his support of Cheney, saying “I’m so proud of Dick. It’s high time  one of us came clean with the American people and let them know who we truly represent. He’s setting an example for Republicans everywhere.”

“My whole life has been getting me ready for this,” said Cheney, from my leadership and support of vile and evil oil companies who pollute the earth and are leading us headlong into planetary disaster, to my time as vice president where I lied my ass off and started a catastrophic war in Iraq.”

Cheney said he self-identifies as “Legion,” not a specific name. But he told Sawyer he felt comfortable using the pronouns “demon” and “fiend,” a designation that is an important issue for many in the Satanic community, which believes that Satan worshipers and demons should be referred to by the terms with which they choose to identify.

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Cheney told Sawyer that he met with Satan in the in Oval Office whenever President Bush was out-of-town wreaking havoc at international summits.

“I’m just tired of living a lie,” said Cheney. “When our gracious Lord Lucifer generously ripped the heart out of another human so I could continue my mission on earth, I made the decision to ‘come out’ and let everyone know that I am a servant of the Prince of Darkness, humanity’s true Savior.”

Cheney told Sawyer that he plans on continuing his mission; supporting the torture and humiliation of human beings, the destruction of the environment, and encouraging useless and expensive wars all over the globe. He feels that even though he no longer holds office, he can be of service to other minions of Satan currently serving in the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives.

“The Republican Party still needs my help,” said Cheney. “There are countries all over the globe that we haven’t had a chance to bomb yet.”

Sawyer’s next special is scheduled for late summer, when she will do a five-hour marathon interview with Bill Cosby, in which he is expected to “come out” as a demonic incubus sent from Mephistopheles to have sex with sleeping women.

 

Hillary Hires Brick Top As Campaign Manager

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bricktop66

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – The Times-Picayune has learned from sources close to the Clinton Campaign that Mrs. Clinton has appointed underworld figure and part-time diplomat Brick Top to run her 2016 presidential campaign. Brick Top is scheduled to arrive in New York from London sometime over the weekend for initial planning with Clinton’s campaign team.

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Brick Top is admired throughout the British Isles for his “no-nonsense” approach to problem-solving

“We’ve already drawn up a list of potential targets for Brick Top and his men,” said an aide to Clinton, on condition of anonymity. “We understand that he’s bringing about a dozen East End thugs over with him. Those guys really know how to get things done!”

Brick Top met briefly with reporters at Heathrow Airport before boarding his flight to the United States.

“I’m looking forward to working with Mrs. Clinton on her presidential campaign,” he said. “I’ve long been an admirer of the Clinton’s tactics, particularly their ability to make political opponents simply disappear or commit suicide. It reminds me of the good old days when I was running my hog farm outside London. Dead men don’t tell tales, is what I always say!”

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No one is quite sure of the exact number, but investigators estimate that over 200 of Brick Top’s business associates have been digested by his ungulates

When asked if he was concerned about Elizabeth Warren or Bernie Sanders siphoning off votes from Mrs. Clinton, Brick Top replied, “Do you know what “nemesis” means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an ‘orrible cunt… me. I plan on having a little “sit down” with Mrs Warren and Mr. Sanders. I don’t think we’ll have to worry about them.”

“But they have already said that,” began a reporter for the Daily Mail, but Brick Top cut him off, saying, ” Listen, you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don’t want to know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I’m talking, and I’ll cut your fucking Jacobs off.”

“I’m sorry sir,” said the trembling journalist.

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Aides say that Mrs. Clinton made the decision to hire Brick Top because she “no longer had time to deal with a bunch of fucking idiots.”

“Now, as I was saying, as for that group of unhinged lunatics running on the Republican side, well, I’ve got a nasty little surprise I’m going to plant underneath their clown car. Anyone who thinks Iran is problem has not met me,” he chuckled.

When a reporter for the Daily Mirror asked Brick Top if he thought he could make the adjustment to American politics, he ended the press conference by saying, ” You’re on thin fucking ice my pedigree chums, and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now, fuck off.”

Then he turned, boarded his flight, and took off for the States.

When we asked the anonymous source just how much Clinton planned on paying Brick Top for his services, the source replied, “Whatever the fuck he wants.”

 

Indiana Makes Desperate Bid To Join Bible Belt

Posted in politics, religion by

mikepence

INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA – (CT&P) – Indiana Governor Mike Pence signed the Religious Freedom Restoration Act into law yesterday in an attempt to show solidarity with politicians around the Bible Belt who are pushing “Religious Freedom Acts” of their own. The legislation allows individuals and corporations to cite ‘religious beliefs’ as a defense when sued by a private party. Thus, business owners who don’t want to serve same-sex couples, or any other member of a group they dislike, now have legal protection to deny service.

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Governor Pence told reporters that the people of Indiana wanted to show solidarity with their ignorant asshole brothers and sisters down in the Bible Belt

“We just wanted to show that religious folks in Indiana have just as much pent-up prejudice and hatred as our brothers and sisters down South,” said Governor Pence at a press conference after he signed the bill. “We want to protect our God-given right to treat people who disagree with our archaic belief system as second class citizens and objects of derision. Judge Roy Moore ain’t got nothing on us,” chuckled the governor, as he foamed at the mouth.

The fact that the bill may cost the state millions of dollars in revenue did not seem to bother the governor.

“If people and businesses want to move to a more progressive state that treats all its citizens and tourists as equals, then let them burn in hell with all the other heretics. We in Indiana want to stand as an example of God’s love for bigots and hatred of fags. If we lose a few conventions here and there then so be it!”

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Last night members of the Indiana Klan and several neo-Nazi organizations held a gala event celebrating the signing of the bill. “We couldn’t be happier,” said Melvin Smegma, owner of Melvin’s World Famous Fatback BBQ in Gary. “Now we can tell them filthy fags and Jews to go to hell right when they walk in the door!”

The bill has prompted public outrage around the country and several large organizations such as Salesforce have abandoned all future plans that include Indiana. Other organizations such as Gen Con, the NCAA, and Ely Lilly, one of the state’s largest employers, have already spoken out against the bill.

When asked if the bill would not allow business owners to refuse service to just about anyone they disagreed with or did not like, Governor Pence replied, “Yes, thank God. Like other ‘Religious Freedom’ bills making their way through state houses around the country, we made this one vague enough to where we can discriminate not only against gays, but Jews, Muslims, atheists, Mormons, Scientologists, or just about anyone we want to. It’s great!”

“The main thing to remember here is to ask yourself the question ‘What would Jesus do?,’ and I think we can all agree that if Jesus owned an Ace Hardware he would refuse to sell building materials to homosexuals, Jews, Muslims, atheists, or any other group that threatens our fragile and insecure system of beliefs.”

Governor Pence concluded, “The God-fearing citizens of Indiana want nothing more than to return to the Middle Ages, just like those folks down South, and I think this bill is a good beginning.”

Pat Robertson Warns Viewers: “Upcoming Eclipse Is A Clear Sign From God”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Pat Robertson warned viewers of his television show The 700 Club on Friday that the upcoming solar eclipse was a warning from God that the use of solar power was “Satanic,” and should cease immediately. He predicted that the eclipse would cause chaos across Europe and much wailing and gnashing of teeth around the world.

The eclipse will occur on March 20th, beginning at 7:41 UTC and ending at 11:50 UTC.

For the uninformed, UTC or Coordinated Universal Time is the primary time standard by which the world regulates clocks and time. It is one of several closely related successors to Greenwich Mean Time (GMT). For most purposes, UTC is considered interchangeable with GMT, but GMT is no longer precisely defined by the scientific community, which of course is dominated by Lucifer and his climate change minions.

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A constipated Reverend Robertson is seen here praying for America to repent so it can survive God’s wrath over renewable energy sources.

Dubbed the “Equinox Eclipse,” totality only occurs over a swath of the North Atlantic and passes over distant Faroe and Svalbard Islands. Germany and central Europe can expect an approximately 80% partially obscured Sun at the eclipse’s maximum.

Although some pundits have predicted a Y2K type disaster all over northern Europe as a result of the eclipse, authorities in Germany and across the European Union have assured doomsayers that precautions have been taken and no serious interruptions of power are expected.

Germany currently stands at the forefront of solar energy technology, representing a whopping quarter of all solar energy capacity installed worldwide. Germany now relies of solar power for almost 7% of its annual electricity production, and during the sunniest hours, has used solar panels to satisfy up to 50% of the country’s power demand.

In his usual fashion, the Reverend Robertson took a normal and predictable natural event and turned it into a sign from the Almighty that he is in some way infuriated that we are not doing as the Bible instructs. On his show Robertson repeatedly insisted that the eclipse was “Our Lord’s way of telling us to stick with fossil fuels.”

“God created oil and coal for us to burn so we could cook, drive and take showers,” said Robertson. “Only the Antichrist Obama and all those socialists in Europe are in favor of Green energy. Let all those pagan Europeans go straight to Hell if they want. Renewable energy represents everything we God-fearing Republicans are against: clean air, clean water, societal progress, and science in general.”

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The staff of Ken Ham’s Creation Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky have been instructed to tell visitors this week that eclipses never happened before the moon was created a mere 200 years ago.

Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) weighed in on Robertson’s comments saying, “This proves that the G.O.P. is right in line with the wishes of our G.O.D. on the matter of the Keystone Pipeline. God wants us to burn fossil fuels until Texas and Florida are completely underwater, and I think this is something the rest of America looks forward to.”

Boehner continued, “Unfettered capitalism is our country’s only hope. If we keep putting up roadblocks to slow down the destruction of our natural world by benevolent and generous multinational energy companies, then we’ll all be cooking gruel over a campfire like all those Germans are right now. We need to heed God’s warning and frack the shit out of every square mile of land in the United States before it’s too late.”

During the same broadcast Robertson also warned that windmills were the work of Beelzebub because they did not generate any power on calm days, and the celebration of Pi Day on Saturday was proof that mathematicians and other scientists were possessed by demons who entered them through clothing bought at thrift stores.

As he was leaving the Vatican after his weekly meeting with Pope Francis today, God was asked by members of the Italian press to comment on Robertson’s observations. An exasperated God replied, “I’m just about ready to give up and start this whole thing over again. There is really no hope for you ignorant bastards, is there?”

Rick Scott Adds New Words To “Forbidden List”

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TALLAHASSEE, CRETONIA – (CT&P) – Governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott has added to the list of terms and phrases that employees of the State of Florida are forbidden to use in official communications. Governor Scott is also backing a bill in the Florida legislature that would make use of certain terms by residents or visitors to the state punishable by up to two years in prison.

The dysfunctional state recently made national news again when it came to light that Scott had banned the use of “climate change” and “global warming” in any emails or in print. As if this was not ridiculous enough, Scott has moved to increase the list to almost 500 “objectionable” words and phrases.

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Governor Scott regularly removes and devours the hearts of migrant farm workers while listening to Kenny G

The new list is so extensive it threatens to abolish the use of the English language within state organizations.

Some examples of the new forbidden words and phrases include “evolution,” “the big bang,” “union,” “Obamacare,” “Democrat,” “liberal,” “black,” “Hispanic,” “civil rights,” “atheist,” “homosexual,” “gay,” “cloudy,” “hurricane,” “sea weed,” “sink hole,” “meth lab,” “trailer park,” “man-eating shark,” and “human sacrifice,” just to name a few.

“Human sacrifice” was personally added by Governor Scott at the last-minute because he is extremely sensitive to the rumors circulating that he regularly removes the beating hearts of undocumented farm workers late at night in the basement of the Governor’s Mansion.

The new bill in the legislature, sponsored by Senator R. W. Scrotum (R-Panama City Beach), would expand the ban from state employees to include all residents and visitors to the insane asylum masquerading as a state.

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Artist’s rendering of Tallahassee circa 2079

“It’s high time we got a grip on all this sedition and traitorous talk going on down har,” said Scrotum. “We in the Republican Party know what’s best for Florida, and I’ll be goddammed if we’re gonna listen to any more of this unpatriotic garbage. If people can’t have the decency to just shut the fuck up and do what we say, well then they ain’t welcome here.”

Businesses who count on tourist dollars to operate successfully within the state have protested the ban as well as the new bill, but Governor Scott has remained unmoved, saying “We’ve got our priorities right in the GOP. The world was a much better place before the Enlightenment. Besides, I’ll be out of office before any negative effects from ban take place.”

Florida has long been the laughingstock of the country and is commonly known as “that penis-shaped dystopian hellscape down there,” and these new moves by Scott and the legislature will do nothing but reinforce that attitude.

There is hope however. In less than a hundred years the whole fucking place will be under three feet of water and the rest of America won’t have to worry about it anymore.

GOP’s New Pen Pal Dr. Javad Zarif Sends Gift Certificates To U.S. Senators

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iranminister

TEHRAN – (CT&P) – Iranian Foreign Minister Dr. Javad Zarif dropped by the Revolutionary Guards Memorial Martyr’s Post Office in downtown Tehran this morning to mail 47 letters to Republican senators, according to a source inside the Iranian Foreign Office.

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A well-placed Republican insider told the Post that watching the Republican leadership in action was like watching Wile E. Coyote demonstrate how gravity works. In response, a perpetually confused Senator James Inhofe (R-OK) said “That’s silly. Gravity is nothing more than a giant hoax perpetrated on the American people just like evolution, climate change, and homosexuality.”

The source, who wished to remain anonymous lest he be thrown into a pit full of starving dingos, told the Tehran Somewhat-Free Press that Dr. Zarif was pleased that the senators were taking an interest in foreign affairs looked forward to educating them regarding the U.S. Constitution and political system.

Dr. Zarif, who has a masters and PhD in international relations from the University of Denver and two other degrees from San Francisco State University is considered much better educated and knowledgeable than just about any current Republican officeholder.

The letters are said to contain a copy of the U.S. Constitution, a brief overview of the unintended consequences of the Iraq War (the worst foreign policy blunder since the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution), a coloring book featuring countries in the Middle East, and gift certificates for McDonald’s ‘Happy Meals.’

“Dr. Zarif hopes that this info packet will help educate the senators and allow them to make more informed decisions before they start undercutting their president and allies in the middle of nuclear negotiations,” said the unidentified source. “Dr. Zarif included the gift certificates so the senators would be rewarded for learning new things. It’s a method we use in Iran to encourage kids to become better educated, and we thought it might work for Congress as well.”

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In his spare time Senator Cotton satisfies his blood lust by slaughtering innocent deer and water fowl.

Senator Tom “Go Hawgs” Cotton’s letter to Iranian leaders, signed by 46 other Republican senators, initiated the historic exchange of correspondence.

Cotton’s letter, written in purple crayon, complained that President Obama would not let GOP senators borrow his toys or let them “play with him and his foreign friends,” so anything that Obama told the Iranians was just “made up stories.”

The letter also claimed that Obama was a “real meanie” who sometimes called the senators names, and threatened that if the President didn’t start playing nice, Senator Cotton would call his friend Bibi who would “beat him up.”

Cotton had hoped that the letter would cement his position as leader of a group of politicians that are hell-bent on starting a war with Iran. To his dismay however, the letter was met with shock and disbelief by almost every adult in D.C. and across the nation, and was seen by most pundits as another blunder made by a group of petulant children masquerading as statesmen.

A Republican insider told the Washington Post that “If these idiots will stop shooting themselves in the foot every five minutes we just might have a shot at winning the White House in 2016, but at this rate no one in their right mind will vote for any of these kooks. It’s depressing as hell.”

 

 

Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe Unable To Locate His Own Ass

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Immigration Presser

WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – Sources close to Senator James Inhofe are telling the Washington Post that the politician from Oklahoma is so stupid that he cannot find his ass even when he utilizes both hands.

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Senator Inhofe possesses roughly the same IQ as that of a South American tapir

“The man is as dumb as a box of rocks,” said an aide to the senator, on the condition that he remain anonymous. “He has roughly the same IQ as a tapir running around in a South American rain forest. I’m relatively new to the staff, so I don’t know how long he’s been like this, but let me tell you, the man has trouble crossing the fucking street by himself. It’s a classic case of ‘lights on-nobody home.'”

The revelation is all the more alarming because as a result of the November elections Senator Inhofe has assumed the chairmanship of the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee.

“It’s like making Barney Fife secretary of defense,” said Dr. Frank Black of the Banzai Institute in Holland Township, New Jersey. “This guy actually believes that the Bible somehow refutes man-made climate change. He’s as bad as those savages in the Middle East that want to take us back to the 7th Century. He belongs in a mental institution or a third grade science class or anywhere other than the U.S. Senate. The man is a menace.”

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Inhofe has consistently ranked in the top ten of mentally deficient politicians over the last two decades, which calls into question the native intelligence of those who have elected the cretin to the senate four times in a row

Senator Inhofe has become famous for his idiotic statements in the past, such as the time he compared the rise of gay rights to the sinking of the Titanic. Most Americans have up to this point considered him another Tea Party type clown with the native intelligence of cement block, but many are now alarmed that he is chairman of an important committee.

Inhofe’s first act as committee chairman was to take the floor and drone on and on about how anthropologic climate change is a giant hoax perpetrated by scientists who just want funding to continue their lavish lifestyles.

“Man made climate change is just a giant conspiracy like the moon landings and the JFK assassination,” said Inhofe. “We can’t trust these scientists at all, they’re just like doctors. Everyone knows it’s better to pray to God to be healed rather than see a doctor,” raved the moron from Oklahoma.

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Most Americans have considered Inhofe a harmless buffoon from Turdflip, Oklahoma up until this point.

The senator used a video made in his garage to support his arguments. The video began with a list of people who don’t agree with the vast majority of climate scientists who say human-caused carbon emissions are contributing to climate change. Inhofe said he has compiled a list of 4,000 “renowned scientists” who disagree with the 97% of climate scientists who actually have looked at the data. Inhofe’s list actually has 650 people-not 4,000, and some of whom are television meteorologists, amateur gynecologists, pizza delivery dudes, and fry cooks at McDonalds.

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Many believe that Inhofe belongs in some mental institution or in a home for mentally challenged religious fanatics, anywhere but in a position of power

Conversely, one of the most recent peer-reviewed studies on the state of climate science showed that out of 4000 abstracts from peer-reviewed papers published in the past 21 years that stated a position on the cause of global warming — 97 percent of these endorsed the point that it was human-caused.

In the video, Inhofe says this is “just not true.” “Whoever heard of someone reviewing a paper on a pier?” said Inhofe. “Piers are for fishing.”

“With people as dumb as Inhofe in positions of power in the federal government, well, things don’t bode well for any meaningful action on climate change for at least the next two years,” said Dr. Black. “It really cements the image of the U.S. Senate as being ‘old, white, male, and stupid.’ One thing about it though, with guys like this and those idiots in the Tea Party on television every week, the Democrats are sure to do well in 2016.”

 

 

 

NRA Advocates Open Carry Permits For The Blind And Mentally Deranged

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idiotgun666

CJ “Buttplug” Grisham, president and CEO of Open Carry Texas, came out in favor of issuing gun permits to the blind, the mentally deranged, and people suffering from advanced Alzheimer’s.

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Although most Americans are no longer surprised by the idiotic policy positions taken by gun advocate groups such as the NRA, the public was somewhat taken aback this week when the powerful and apparently unhinged organization came out in favor of issuing “open carry” permits to blind people.

Earlier this week, a commentator for NRA News raised eyebrows with a video making the case for letting the blind and other inappropriate groups of people legally carry guns in public. Most Americans don’t agree, a new HuffPost/YouGov poll shows.

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Open Carry Texas has long advocated issuing open carry permits to psychotics and the criminally insane

In fact, only 23 percent of Americans said it should be legal for the blind to own guns at all, while 51 percent said it should be illegal. Democrats (62 percent to 12 percent) and independents (50 percent to 25 percent) were more likely to oppose allowing the blind to own guns.

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If the NRA gets its way, even Alzheimer’s patients will be issued permits to carry automatic weapons

Republicans, being Republicans, showed less wisdom on the issue and were fairly evenly split, with 33 percent in favor, 34 percent opposed and 33 percent not sure. Which begs the question, how can one not be sure whether a fucking blind person should be allowed to own a gun?

Even fewer Americans said the blind should be able to obtain permits to carry guns in public.

Only 16 percent said they support open-carry permits for the blind, while 66 percent said they were opposed. Seventy-seven percent of Democrats, and 63 percent of independents said they were against it. Even Republicans showed a modicum of common sense on the issue, with 55 percent saying they were against allowing the blind to carry guns outside the home.

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Creepy NRA Vice President Vincent “Price” Magillicuddy, who refuses to leave the safety of his underground bunker, wholeheartedly agrees with LaPierre’s proposals. Magillicuddy, who was a ventriloquist before serving a stint in an insane asylum in Great Britain, lives with his cancerous cat Toby and only communicates through a life-like doll named Simon.

However, what may be most disturbing to the sane members of the American public is that the video also called for the government to issue free open carry permits to mental patients, Alzheimer’s sufferers, teens, children and even toddlers, as long as they were white. The NRA seemed to draw a line at allowing infants, black people, Hispanics, or other minorities to own or carry guns.

NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre told a gathering of reporters that “The only thing that insures the future of our fragile republic is advanced weaponry in the hands of ordinary citizens, and we don’t want to discriminate against any people we are not already discriminating against. Therefore we advocate issuing permits basically for anyone who has a pulse and is white.”

When a reporter told LaPierre that gun fatalities will surpass even automobile accidents as the number one cause of accidental death in America over the next few years, LaPierre said, “You don’t actually believe those statistics do you?”

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An NRA splinter group, Nuns With Guns, has pushed for open carry permits across the U.S. for over a decade now. It seems that pulling a rifle or assault weapon from under a habit takes “too damn much time.” Sally Field, spokesperson for the group, told Times-Picayune reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that “When confronted with someone who needs to meet Jesus in person, reaction time is critical.”

“Those misleading figures have been compiled by the same homosexual scientists that are part of the worldwide conspiracy to convince us that the climate is changing. Those cretins are out to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. It’s a travesty!”

Although the demands of the NRA will almost assuredly not be met on a national basis, the organization is optimistic that individual state governments will be stupid and foolhardy enough to go along. Iowa has already begun issuing gun permits to the blind, and states such as Texas and Georgia have embraced a “guns for anyone who can hold one in his demented hand” policy.

“We feel like that through a combination of well placed bribes, political pressure, and out and out blackmail, we can pressure weak minded Tea Party states into accepting our absurd and dangerous proposals,” said LaPierre.

On a related note, Walmart announced that it has bought over five million Kevlar vests from China that will be on sale soon at discounted prices throughout the southeast.