MANCHESTER, ENGLAND – (CT&P) – A new study out of Great Britain has revealed that the legacy of the 1960’s package holiday boom and the modern vogue for tanned complexions means retirees are now seven times more likely to get the most dangerous type of skin cancer than 40 years ago.
Older men are 10 times more likely to be diagnosed with malignant melanoma than their parents’ generation and women are five times more likely.
Dr. Sharp advised that one way human mastodons could reduce exposure time would be to seek a shady spot such as an airplane hangar or circus tent while devouring fast food during their noontime feeding sessions.
Cancer Research UK, which compiled the figures, said the huge increase was likely to be a consequence of people having greater access to sunny climes since the cost of a holiday abroad dropped significantly in the 1960s.
According to the most recent figures, 5700 over-65’s are diagnosed with melanoma in the UK every year, compared to only 600 in the 1970’s.
Although the study was carried out by researchers in the United Kingdom, similar rates of skin cancer are being seen in the United States and in some parts of continental Europe.
What is even more troubling is the fact that various types of skin cancers are being seen in younger and younger patients.
“We also see the recent tendency of westerners to turn into giant fat asses at earlier and earlier ages as a factor in the rise of malignant melanoma. As people slowly morph into slow-moving leviathans, they become less active and tend to spend time on vacation sitting immobile on the beach like deceased marine mammals.”
Dr Sharp also advised that corpulent individuals should exercise in hospital parking lots or in some building equipped with a defibrillator; anywhere other than a public beach.
“The increased surface area of the epidermis caused by diets that could have been designed by Satan himself allows the sun’s rays to hit areas that did not even exist before,” said Sharp. “When one of these lumbering behemoths actually makes it onto a beach, they usually bring a rolling pantry full of beer, sandwiches, and potato chips with them so they can avoid the exhausting 100 meter trip back to the car until after the sun goes down.”
“Many of these elephantine creatures bring enough food and drink along with them to feed an African village for over a month. Then, after staking out an area large enough for a helicopter to land, they plant themselves on the sand and don’t budge for hours on end. It’s truly alarming.”
Dr. Sharp had some advice for young people that may help them avoid the fate that has befallen so many of their parents and grandparents.
The exhaustive study also made it clear that some folks are beyond all hope and the best thing for them to do was to swim out to sea.
“Never use a tanning bed,” she said. “It’s like sticking your head in a fucking microwave. Nothing good can come of it. Also, when going out in the sun for an extended period of time, the liberal use of sun blocking products is a good idea. But most importantly, don’t gorge yourself on all manner of manufactured food items until you become colossal mound of adipose tissue with four limbs sticking out from it. It’s unhealthy and makes you a nice juicy target for the blistering rays of the sun.”
The Cancer UK study is due to be published in next month’s Lancet and has already received great praise from everyone except the cruise industry and others deeply invested in the nurturing of various types of skin cancers.
Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott remarked, “I’m no scientist, but I can tell you I don’t trust any study coming out of Great Britain. They have socialized medicine there, and besides, the bastards have never seen a ray of sunshine in their lives, so how the hell would they know?”
Governor Scott made the remarks while lying coiled on warm rock outside the capital building in Tallahassee.
The Cretonia Times-Picayune 