Tag Archives: Rick Scott

Florida Lawmakers Jump On Secession Bandwagon As Wave Of Demonic Possession Spreads To Southeast

Posted in humor, politics, religion by
oklahomasecede

Cretonia’s best and brightest made time to get out and join the protests

TALLAHASSEE (CT&P) – Members of the Florida state senate and house voted overwhelmingly to secede from the Union yesterday at an emergency session called by Governor and Aztec Snake God Rick Scott. The action was taken in response to the wave of Cosmos related demonic possessions currently sweeping the state.

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Spokesthing Billy Joe “Turd” Ferguson of Toxic Cove, Florida told reporters that he was quite handsome before viewing two episodes of Cosmos

The possession and transformation of ordinary American citizens into characters from a Lovecraftian nightmare began in Oklahoma and has been spreading to other parts of the Bible Belt at “warp speed.”

Screenings of Neil deGrasse Tyson’s new show are apparently causing a variety of mental disorders, weird behavior, and physical metamorphosis among children and weak-minded adults from Oklahoma City all the way to the outskirts of South Beach.

Right-wing religious zealots have been protesting en masse to try to get the show pulled from Fox’s lineup out of fear that all order will soon collapse and chaos will reign across the United States. However, since Fox has thus far refused to take the popular and informative show off the air, the “confederacy of dunces” has switched tactics and has begun pushing for secession.

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Michelle Lamprey of Sudafed Springs was a normal Florida housewife with three kids and a manageable weekend meth habit before Cosmos aired

A spokesman for the protestors, Billy Joe “Turd” Ferguson, told reporters that “We are not gonna just stand by and see our archaic and outdated religious beliefs be questioned by some smarty-pants who thinks he knows everything just ’cause he went to college!”

“We think that secession from the Union would allow us to set up our own radio and television stations that we can tightly monitor and control just like in China or North Korea,” said Turd. “That way, if anyone says anything that disagrees with the Bible we can burn them at the stake or lash them to barges in the Mississippi until the heretics ‘see the light.’ We can always sink the barges as a last resort.”

Scientists from around the world are scrambling to try to come up with an explanation for such a weird reaction to a television show based on science and reason.

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Little Suzie Creamcheese was a cheerful and outgoing student at Sinkhole Middle School before watching Cosmos in science class. Now she lives in a shopping cart.

“A significant percentage of citizens in the Bible Belt are hypersensitive to any ideas hatched at any time after the Middle Ages,” said Professor Toichi Hikita, of the Banzai Institute in New Brunswick, New Jersey. “They prefer to go on believing that some unseen force controls the universe and we damn sure better worship it in order not to incur its wrath. It’s really weird.”

Dr Emilio Lizardo of Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems concurred, saying “We have long studied the habits and culture of the monkey-boys inhabiting this so-called ‘Bible Belt.’ We find their obstinate dedication to ancient ritual and belief in the supernatural quite amusing. It gives us Red Lectroids hope that one day we will indeed crush you humans and finally get our butts off this rock.”

The Obama administration is of two minds on the secession issue. On the one hand secession from the Union is clearly unconstitutional and could lead to all sorts of problems, not the least of which would be bloody armed conflict. On the other hand many members of the administration and other politicians would be more than happy to see the State of Florida become someone else’s problem. At this point no federal action is likely to take place.

 

 

 

 

 

Florida Joins Iran and North Korea In International Bloodletting Contest

Posted in humor, politics, Uncategorized by
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Governor Rick Scott is pushing a bill through the Florida legislature that would bring back the guillotine

TALLAHASSEE-Governor Rick Scott and other right-wing politicians in Florida were said to be “beside themselves” with excitement after Amnesty International’s release of its annual report on execution rates around the globe. Governor Skeletor appeared at a press conference early this morning in Tallahassee to trumpet the success of the state’s “Timely Justice Act” which was passed and signed into law last year.

“We have busted our collective butt to streamline the process of state-sponsored killing in Cretonia,” said Governor Scott. “The

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Governor Scott’s origins are shrouded in mystery, but he is thought to be the reincarnation of the Aztec snake god Crotalus

figures just released by Amnesty prove that the new law is putting us right up there with some of the most respected champions of legalized murder. We even edged out Texas for third place! All our efforts have not been in vain and I couldn’t be more proud.”

According to the statistics, Florida moved in front of Texas in 2013 in the total number of death sentences handed down by highly educated and compassionate Florida juries. Not surprisingly, Florida also holds the all time record of convicted death-row prisoners that turned out to be completely innocent.

“I think we can all live with a few mistakes, unless of course you happen to be poor or black,” Scott chuckled.

The mistake rate more than likely stems from the fact that Florida only requires a 7-5 vote of jurors to hand down a death sentence. “We are trying to change that for the better,” said Scott. “I have sponsored a new bill that will allow us to bypass the lengthy and expensive trial process altogether and move to a system of immediate execution of suspects if three out of four investigating officers think that the “perp” is guilty. “We need to take the responsibility out of the hands of these uneducated hicks that make up our population,” said Scott. “I think everyone would agree that experienced cops would make better decisions.”

“Florida is proud to take the lead in speedy and efficient termination of human life, except of course when it involves giving women

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George Zimmerman is a finalist for one of Florida’s coveted new “celebrity executioner” positions

control of their own bodies,” crowed Governor Snakehead. “We in Florida believe a woman’s place is in the home and a negro’s place is on the scaffold.”

Other states are scrambling to keep up with Florida’s torrid pace. Texas Governor Rick Perry told reporters that “Those upstarts over there in the Gunshine State may think they can win this contest but they ain’t seen nothing yet! We intend on conducting a state-wide human barbecue the likes of which the world has never seen.”

Although the total number of executions in the United States fell last year, along with student’s test scores, America managed to proudly stay within the top five countries who execute prisoners. America is still a contender for the abomination award alongside Iraq, China, Saudi Arabia, and Iran.

 

Florida Lawmakers Decide To Execute All Uninsured Residents Using New “Put ‘Em In The Ground” Law

Posted in health care, humor, politics, Uncategorized by
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Florida governor and Aztec snake god Rick Scott

TALLAHASSEE-The moronathon that is the Florida legislature has passed a bill today that calls for the immediate execution of all of its citizens who are currently uninsured. Governor Rick Scott (R), a supporter of the bill, is set to sign the legislation on Friday.

Opponents of the bill are outraged and are calling for intervention by the Federal government.

One of the co-sponsors of the bill, Senator Frankie-Bob McTurd of Running Sore Springs spoke to a gathering of journalists late this afternoon. “We have a big problem down here with lazy shiftless poor people cluttering up our state. Do you know that there are 3.8 million people here that are too damn poor to afford health insurance? It’s a damn disgrace! The “Stand Your Ground” law has helped some by allowing us to shoot some of them negras and other minorities, but it just ain’t enough.”

Another sponsor, State Representative Billy Wayne Scrotum of Hemorrhoid Beach, agreed. “We’re doing our best to kill-off the downtrodden by fighting Obamacare tooth and nail. We refused to expand Medicaid, and then we intentionally refused to comply with Medicaid law by limiting emergency room visits. We’re sacrificing millions of federal bucks in order to try to wipe out these vermin, but the process is just too dern slow. So we decided to get this over with once and fer all. We all got together and came up with the “Put ‘Em In The Ground” law. I’m right proud to say I done writ part of it!”

The new legislation will authorize a roundup of every Florida resident who is currently uninsured, about 25% of the total population. The slothful and indolent scum will be placed in concentration camps throughout Cretonia where they will be “processed” as soon as time allows. In the meantime they’ll simply be starved or used to feed giant reptiles in nearby alligator farms.

“I think this is a solution that at least 75 percent of us can live with,” said Governor and Imperial Serpent Head Rick Scott. “I always pay my own damn bill when I go to see my herpetologist and I think everyone else should as well. The Sunshine State is a wonderful place to live and we want to everyone to be able to come visit and enjoy our beautiful beaches without having to worry about destitute individuals clogging up our hospitals or pain clinics.”

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Governor Scott devoured a whole baby rabbit before closing the press conference. He will not need to feed again for several weeks.

When asked about the political ramifications of the move, Scott said, “I’m confident with the help of Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and Fox News, we in the Republican party can continue to count on deluding the vast majority of Floridians into voting against their economic interests. The future is always bright in Florida!”

The press conference closed with a brief ceremony during which Governor Scott consumed a live baby rabbit. The politicians then slithered out of the room.

Florida Declares Martial Law Ahead Of Advancing Cold Front

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TALLAHASSEE-Governor Rick Scott has declared martial law throughout Greater Cretonia after the National Weather Service predicted a slight drop in temperatures, some minor icing, and possible snow flurries in parts of northern Florida. Police and fire departments, hospitals, schools, and strip clubs are gearing up for the extreme conditions that are expected to arrive sometime Tuesday. National Guard troops, sheriff’s deputies, and local policemen have been put on high alert and warned that they may face extended duty for several weeks.

At an emotional press conference earlier today, a tearful Governor Scott stated “We Floridians intend to ‘Stand Our Ground’ against this cold front, and I just want our citizens to have a fighting chance to survive the crescendo of doom that is building in our state. Those of you who have been around a while will remember that the last time it snowed in northwest Florida there were a number of tragic deaths. Cretins emerging from their mobile homes were struck and killed by vehicular traffic as they stared skyward in bewilderment, and those who made desperate bids to replenish beer supplies ended up causing pile-ups from Mobile to Jacksonville.”

Scott continued, “I have initiated our DEATHSTORM 2014 governmental and corporate action plan. All liquor stores should make sure inventories are sufficient to supply those few Floridians that are gainfully employed, in addition to their regular customers. Gentlemen’s clubs should call in all off-duty dancers and make sleeping arrangements for the girls out back or in supply rooms. Every Wal-Mart Supercenter should be prepared for a veritable tsunami of the elderly seeking milk and bread, and every retail outlet in the state should make sure that their fleet of Hoverounds is at full charge.”

Florida Governor Rick Scott Attends Hurricane Conference

An emotional Rick Scott at DEATHSTORM presser this morning

“As regards governmental preparedness, I have called out the National Guard and shifted those units with tracked vehicles to the north so as to better deal with the arctic conditions we expect at mid-week. I have also recalled approximately 50,000 of our over 300,000 probation officers and re-tasked them as snipers so that we’ll be ready to pick-off any looters trying to take advantage of this once in a lifetime meteorological event.”

Scott wiped a tear from his eye and concluded the press conference by saying, “With the help of God and your lovable and honest  state and local officials, we can make it through this crisis. We Floridians know what it’s like to endure hardship because we subject ourselves to it every day. Hurricane Andrew,  the Challenger disaster, the 2000 presidential election, our lousy schools and archaic legal system, all of these things have toughened us up and prepared us for this approaching cataclysm. God bless you and God bless the state of Florida!”

Florida Bill Makes Poverty A Felony

Posted in politics, Uncategorized by

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As the 2014 gubernatorial race starts to heat up, a bill is working its way through the Florida legislature that would make it a felony offense to earn less than $25,000.00 per year. The bill will also place those with minority racial status on probation.

In 2011, Florida effectively disenfranchised 1.5 million citizens with a  new restrictive voting law. The law prohibits anyone ever convicted of a felony from voting in local, state or federal elections. Commenting on the situation, Governor Rick Scott stated “We really got on the right track in 2011, and this new bill should put us over the top.” When asked what he meant, Scott replied “Well, we certainly don’t want to risk uncertainty in the election process by allowing criminals to vote, and since most crime is committed by the poor and minorities, this new law just takes the next logical step. The bill will prevent undesirables from participating in the election process.”

One of the chief sponsors of the bill, Representative Billy Bob McSneed, a Republican from Panama City, stated “All these minorities, many of them illegal, are taking our jobs and threatening our way of life down here. By placing them on probation, we can better control ’em and stop all the election fraud. Hell, it’s bad enough that we let ’em drive.”

Election fraud in Florida has reached enormous proportions in Florida over the last decade, according to the Florida Republican Central Committee. McSneed supplied us with documents proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that there have been at least three dozen cases of individuals voting illegally in Florida over the last ten years.

“We live in state where 36 votes could tip the balance, McSneed said. The only logical thing to do is attack the root of the disease, not the symptoms, and the root of the disease is poor people, minorities, and poor minorities.”

When asked how many citizens of the state that this bill would disenfranchise, Governor Scott replied, “We have no idea, but the vast majority of them will be Democrats, and that’s all that matters.”

Challenges to the new bill’s constitutionality will no doubt be numerous. However, given the current glut of challenges in Florida’s courts challenging other demented laws passed by the legislature, any decision will be slow in coming and probably will occur post-election.

Reached for comment was Representative Barbara Hernandez, Democrat from Miami. She stated, “I am currently trying to decide whether to hang myself or move to a more open society. Maybe Cuba or North Korea.”