Tag Archives: satire

Creepy Clown Sighting At Presidential Debate

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trumpclown

LAS VEGAS – (CT&P) – The reports to the police have one thing in common with the circus act involving an improbable number of clowns emerging from a small car.

They just keep coming, and coming, and coming, across multiple states. Clowns in vans. Clowns in the woods. Clowns lurking in the shadows. Clowns chasing people or doing crimes.

But no one expected the rash of creepy clown sightings would affect the presidential election.

After Hillary Clinton took the stage last night in Las Vegas at the third and final debate, a giant clown dressed in an imported suit, ridiculously long tie, and covered in orange grease paint emerged and stood behind the opposition podium. The clown was wearing what seemed to be a dead fox on his head.

“It was really creepy,” said Executive Director of the Commission on Presidential Debates Janet Brown.

“We have no idea where the clown came from. He obviously had no political experience or debating skills. We think he was there just to create chaos. One thing’s for sure, almost everyone was disgusted by his weird, nonsensical statements.”

The clown remained on stage and continually interrupted both the moderator and his opponent. As the debate wore on he became more and more incoherent as his blood pressure rose and his skin began to glow like a nuclear fuel rod.

After the debate the clown was seen getting into a large SUV and departing the venue.

The first reports of unusual orange clown sightings surfaced last summer with stories that the costumed figures were offering women money to lure them into the woods or were lingering in places while spouting hatred about immigrants and Muslims.

The orange clown sightings are apparently unconnected with sightings of average everyday clowns claimed in at least six other states: Alabama, Georgia, Maryland, New Jersey, North Carolina and Pennsylvania.

Trump Supporters Eagerly Await Arrival Of Comet

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comet

 

Greensboro, N.C. – (CT&P) – During what pundits described as his most unhinged speech to date, Donald Trump told supporters today to prepare for the arrival of a comet which would “Make the Galaxy Great Again.”

28 Mar 1997 --- Video of Marshall Herff Applewhite --- Image by © Brooks Kraft/Sygma/Corbis

Trump surrogate Marshall Applewhite Jr told CNN that in the coming weeks instructions will be provided to Trump supporters about how they can catch a ride to a racially pure fatherland.

Trump said the comet was discovered by amateur astronomer Marvin Schicklegruber of Forlorn Hope, Mississippi, who named it Trump-Pence in honor of his heroes on the Republican ticket.

“This is the biggest, best, most beautiful comet that ever came out of the Oort Cloud,” said Trump.

Mr Trump explained that the comet will appear in the heavens the week before the election, portending his victory over ‘Crooked Hillary’ and a secretive international cabal of bankers, Jews, women, educated people, immigrants, space aliens, establishment Republicans, dermatologists, and Paul Ryan who have all banded together to say very very horrible things about him and imply that he was not perfect.

Mr. Trump told excited supporters that the comet would usher in a new era in the solar system and eventually the entire Milky Way galaxy.

“Comet Trump-Pence is going to make the universe great again!” said Mr. Trump to a large crowd of poorly educated rednecks.

trumpsneakers

Applewhite told Wolf Blitzer that Trump fans could go to the campaign website and purchase special Trump sneakers, cups, and grape flavored Kool-Aid for use on November 9th when it will be time to join cosmic Aryans on the Mothership.

“In the coming weeks we’ll have instructions for all you loyal supporters regarding the comet,” said Trump, “but for now we’d like you all to buy alien abduction insurance to be on the safe side. On the way out of the auditorium please stop at the tables marked ‘Trump Risk Management’ and sign up. We have plans to fit every income.”

Appearing later on CNN senior adviser to the Trump Campaign Marshall Applewhite Jr told viewers more about the comet that Trump claims will bring change.

“Right now you can’t see the comet because it’s hiding behind Pluto,” said a visibly agitated Applewhite. “But when it gets here we’re gonna get on board the Mothership that’s traveling in its tail. The Mothership will take us to a new planet where there are no minorities and only subservient women. There we’ll have plenty of lebensraum and we’ll sire a racially pure civilization that will make the galaxy great again!”

Despite multiple attempts, the existence of Trump-Pence has not been confirmed by any independent observatories anywhere in the world. However, since Republicans traditionally don’t give a flying fuck about science, that fact is unlikely to have any effect on Trump supporters.

 

 

Donald Trump Under Attack From Evil Cabal

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illuminati-1-1170x748

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – During a speech this morning Donald Trump announced that he has come under attack by what “any reasonable person” would believe is a conspiracy involving, but not limited to, every national newspaper, every national and regional magazine, cable outlets, every television network except Fox News, all forms of social media, the GOP establishment, the entire Democratic Party, President and Mrs Obama, Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, the ghost of Buddy the Clinton’s slain Labrador Retriever, various sluts of all ages, the Illuminati, almost every Freemason on the planet, ISIS, Jimmy Hoffa, black folks, Mexicans, hundreds of thousands of Syrian refugees milling about on Ellis Island, 1.8 billion Muslims, and the International Organization of Evil Jews who control just about everything on the fucking planet.

Mr. Trump said that he has incontrovertible proof of the conspiracy and it will be made public “really really soon.”

“The conspiracy is meant to demean me and steal the election from you, my highly intelligent and not a bit gullible supporters,” said Trump, as he glowed orange like a spent nuclear fuel rod.

“We all know that the Clinton Foundation has been grooming these ugly sluts over a period of months and has set them loose on the public right before everyone goes to vote on November 28th,” he said while waving his tiny hands in semi-circles in an attempt to hypnotize his dim-witted voters.

“I mean just look at them. Are those the kinds of women you think I would assault? I have a lot higher standards than that, let me tell you. I wouldn’t put my little hands anywhere near those skanks. And I want to make one thing very clear. I have never raped anyone! They were begging for it every time.”

Mr. Trump concluded his defense by saying that the attacks from every decent person on the planet had nothing to do with the words that spewed out of his own vile and vulgar mouth.

“It’s a huge, well-organized conspiracy decades in the making, let me tell you. None of this is my fault.”

Kellyanne Conway Decries Pussyfooting

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kellyannec

 

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Donald Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway is tired of the “pussyfooting around” from Republican lawmakers who have distanced themselves from the Republican presidential ticket in recent days, calling on them to decide once and for all whether or not they support their party’s nominee.

“Well we want the support of anybody who’s going to publicly endorse us. But enough of the pussyfooting around in terms of, you know, do you support us or do you not support us?” Conway said Wednesday morning on ABC’s “Good Morning America.” “The fact is that some of these leaders have been wishy-washy.”

“We think that white suburban pussy is the key to this election and we intend to go out and grab as much of that pussy as we possibly can,” said Conway as she massaged her crotch. “We want allies who can reach out and boldly grab the pussy, not fumble around inside panties like inexperienced schoolboys,” said the obviously aroused Conway.

When Good Morning America host George Stephanopoulos asked Conway what her plans were if Trump lost, she replied, “Well, I guess I’ll just rent my pussy out to the highest bidder. It’s worked out pretty well for me the past few months.”

 

Kellyanne Conway On New Video: ‘Everyone Grabs A Pussy Now And Then’

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kellyannec

 

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Appearing on AM Joy this morning on MSNBC, Kellyanne Conway told host Joy Reid that she was not really concerned about the shocking new video in which Donald Trump describes his pickup technique, which apparently includes grabbing a woman’s genitalia as soon as he’s introduced.

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” said Conway. “Everybody grabs a pussy at some point in their life, and some of us grab a whole bunch of pussies. I’d be willing to bet that Hillary Clinton has grabbed more than her share of pussies in her time. In fact, I bet there’s not a pussy in the State Department she hasn’t grabbed.”

When asked about Republican lawmakers lining up to withdraw their endorsements of Mr. Trump, Conway called them ‘pussies.’

“These establishment politicians are all just a bunch of pussies,” Conway said, as she massaged her crotch. “They’re all bunch of hypocrites because I know from working with them that they grab pussy any chance they get.

“I feel confident that our supporters will see through this attempt by the Clinton Campaign to divert attention from the things that really matter, like proving we never landed on the moon and exposing the conspiracy to cover up the Roswell Incident.

“So I say let’s not be distracted by a little pussy grabbing. After all, it’s what makes the world go round!”

 

Latest Computer Models Suggest Cable News Personnel Will Remain Hysterical For Duration Of Storm

Posted in weather by

captainkirk

 

MIAMI – (CT&P) – The latest computer models coming out of the National Hurricane Center in Miami are predicting that anchors and reporters for almost every cable outlet will remain hysterical until Hurricane Matthew deteriorates and heads out to sea.

NHC Director Rick Knabb told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer that computer modeling from almost every U.S. source predicted that anchors and reporters in the field would continue to overstate the danger and act as if the world was coming to an end at any minute.

“We expect the melodrama to hit a fever pitch sometime this afternoon or evening,” said a frustrated Knabb. “It would be helpful if these idiots would just report the fucking news and get on with it.

“Everyone on earth knows that trees and stop signs are going to sway during windy conditions. We don’t need Hollywood productions of palm fronds flying around parking lots and dim-witted reporters trying to talk during downpours.

“Telling us the number of residents without power really doesn’t help either,” continued Knabb. “If folks can’t do without power for a few days they don’t deserve to live anyway.”

Knabb concluded by saying that although American computer models have been accurate in predicting cable channel behavior in the past, European models have proved to be virtually useless because foreign programmers just don’t have the experience with morons on television like we do in the U.S.

 

Weather Channel Warns There’s Still Time For Sky To Fall

Posted in weather by

wrathofgod

 

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – During his 11 A.M. Hurricane Matthew update, Weather Channel anchor and resident village idiot Jim Cantore told viewers that although most of the Florida east coast had dodged a bullet, there was still ample time for the storm to swerve the west and completely destroy the Sunshine State.

“Catastrophe could strike any minute,” said a nervous Cantore, as a wind and rain machine pelted him with palm fronds and litter from a nearby McDonald’s dumpster. “This storm could take a left turn and churn across the Florida peninsula like an out of control rototiller, effectively turning the entire state into a large island devoid of any law and order.”

While Cantore seemed obsessed by the threat Matthew still posed to Florida, hurricane specialist Carl Parker stressed the danger that still looms over the Georgia and South Carolina coastlines.

“Millions could still die,” said a smiling Parker. “This storm could regain its intensity and hit the Georgia coastline, barrel all the way to Atlanta like a runaway train, and explode like a nuclear bomb. Or, it could skirt the coast until it reaches Charleston, turn out to sea, then reverse course and flatten the city like a fucking pancake. We just don’t know at this point.”

Other anchors and meteorologists pitched in with their own warnings saying that the storm could precipitate a nuclear winter, Biblical floods, or even a zombie apocalypse.

“We’re not out of the woods yet,” said the ubiquitous Sam Champion as he wandered around a Burger King parking covered in three inches of water, “this storm could still mean the end of mankind. Thanks a lot Obama!”

Florida Governor Rick Scott Says ‘We Are Hoping For The Best And Preparing For The Worst’ For 113th Time In 24 Hours

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rickscott333

 

 

TALLAHASSEE – (CT&P) – At a press conference outside his bunker deep beneath the governor’s mansion, Florida Governor Rick Scott, surrounded by military and government officials who appeared to have been hypnotized, told reporters this morning that authorities were “hoping for the best while preparing for the worst” for the 113th time in less than 24 hours.

Pundits and pol watchers believe this sets a record for a governor saying the same fucking thing over and over again.

“We think this breaks the record set my Governor Brownback of Kansas when he said ‘a rising tide lifts all boats’ 75 times in just three days as the state’s economy went in the toilet,” said Chris Hayes of MSNBC.

“Tea Party governors in particular tend to repeat the same phrase or sentence over and over and over again in hopes that the populace is ignorant enough to buy the bullshit they’re selling.

“This situation is really not that different; Scott is trying to convince the residents of Florida that he has some grasp of what the fuck is going on, which has never been true.”

Esctatic Weather Channel Breaks Out Orgasmitron In Honor Of Hurricane Matthew

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orgasmitron5

 

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – The Weather Channel announced that because of the size and intensity of Hurricane Matthew management has deemed it necessary to pull its patented orgasmitron out of storage in the basement of their headquarters on Peachtree Street. “We just felt like it was the prudent thing to do,” said Weather Channel President David Clark.

“The last time I saw the team this horny was during Hurricane Katrina in 2005,” he said. “Katrina hit in August, and by May of 2006 the hospitals in metro Atlanta were literally overrun with newborns.

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Clark asked residents of Atlanta to do their part to help by contributing any sexy outfits or bondage equipment they currently aren’t using.

“It was one helluva party. By the time all the bodies were counted, we went through over three 55 gallon drums of cinnamon flavored Astroglide, twelve 32 oz containers of Studmaster Male Prolong Cayenne Pepper Sauce, an entire case of Viagra, and God knows how much alcohol, blow, and amphetamines.

“We hope the orgasmitron will help satisfy some of our female staff during the storm because frankly some of us are getting up there in age and we just don’t think we can keep up with a storm of this size.

“If anyone would like to help come by our offices. We have drop-off bins set out on the sidewalk for any lubricant, sex toys, or bondage costumes and equipment you may want to contribute.

“Don’t forget that we’re here to protect you, the public. The life you save may be your own!”

Sunshine State Shocker: Governor Rick Scott Puts Human Life Ahead Of Cash

Posted in politics, weather by

rickscott777

 

TALLAHASSEE – (CT&P) – In what pundits are calling the biggest about-face in political history, Florida Governor Rick Scott has suspended fees on all toll roads in the path of Hurricane Matthew.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said an incredulous Susan McManus of the University of South Florida. “Throughout his private and public life Governor Scott has been a money-grubbing bastard the likes of which the world has never seen. No way I’m believing Scott is putting human life ahead of cold hard cash.”

“This is the same man who oversaw the greatest Medicare ripoff in history,” said McManus. “I mean he went to every extreme to screw taxpayers and line his own pockets when he was running Columbia/HCA. He was known informally as “the king of fraud” within the healthcare industry.

“It was even rumored that he had people disemboweled on some kind of weird altar when they refused to go along with his schemes. I just find it hard to believe that the bastard is not trying to cash in on this hurricane. Someone needs to check out this toll booth scheme. I guarantee there’s something in it for Little Ricky.”

At a noon press conference an official from the Florida Division of Emergency Management clarified the toll road situation by saying that only white people or registered Republicans would be exempt from toll fees. All others would have to show a special identification card to use the roads.

The official said that the cards would be available free of charge at all Florida DMV offices provided the applicant presented a birth certificate and 14 other forms of identification.