Tag Archives: satire

St Louis County Prosecutor Robert McCulloch To Be Promoted

Posted in humor, politics by

KKK-ceremony_2661628b

ST LOUIS, MISSOURI (CT&P) – Frank Ancona, president of the Missouri chapter of the Traditionalist Knights of the Ku Klux Klan, based in Park Hills, Missouri, has announced that St Louis County Prosecutor Robert McCulloch will be promoted to the level of “Grand Imperial Anus” of the KKK at a gala pageant over the Christmas holidays.

Ferguson

Ogre and pompous ass Robert McCulloch has for many years aspired to be a giant asshole and was overcome with emotion when he was told he would soon hold the title of Grand Imperial Anus

Ancona, who made headlines recently by threatening “lethal force” against Ferguson protestors, told Chris Hayes of MSNBC that the group was “proud beyond words” of McCulloch’s handling of the grand jury in the Darren Wilson case.

Wilson, who gunned down unarmed black teenager Michael Brown on a street corner in Ferguson earlier this year, was not charged with a damn thing for his reckless actions.

“We need more guys like Bob in local and state government,” said Ancona. “He really knows how to treat these mongrels that pollute our country with their thuggish music and filthy black skin. I’m proud to call him a member of our group and I think that he will handle the added responsibility of being a giant anus like real pro.”

darrenwilson

Murderous cop Darren Wilson will be awarded the “James Earl Ray Proficiency in Firearms Award” despite the fact that he had to empty an entire clip into Brown in order to bring him down

Ancona also mentioned that Darren Wilson, a longtime member of the organization, will be receiving the James Earl Ray Award for Proficiency in the Use of Firearms, even though it took around a dozen rounds to “bring down that giant nigger.”

Ferguson Police Chief Tom Jackson and the entire overwhelmingly white police force are also slated to be honored at the banquet.

kkkrally

The gala awards banquet will be held in the Missouri countryside and everyone is invited as long as you are not a nigger, Jew, fag, or gypsy

“We wanted to honor Chief Jackson and his boys for the brutal way in which they dealt with the protests after the ‘turkey shoot,'” said Ancona.

“This whole episode shows what a town and county can accomplish when a white police chief, a white police force, a white prosecutor, and a white governor can get together to protect a white police officer when he murders an unarmed black teenager in broad daylight. It really reinforces the great pride I have in this wonderful country in which we live.”

 

 

Enraged By Ferguson Decision, Godzilla Comes Ashore And Destroys Tokyo

Posted in humor, politics by

godzilla

TOKYO (CT&P) – The Associated Press is reporting that approximately one hour after the announcement that Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson would not be indicted for the shooting death of unarmed black teenager Michael Brown, a furious Godzilla waded ashore from Tokyo Bay and began to destroy the city.

Godzilla_1962_01

Godzilla made a brief side trip to Fukushima and enjoyed an extra-large cesium-137 smoothie before returning to Tokyo to wreak havoc

Witnesses reported that Godzilla used his patented heat ray along with his massive feet to create a swathe of destruction five miles wide and around fifteen miles long in and around the city.

Japanese authorities used every weapon at their disposal including white cops in riot gear in an attempt to stop the gargantuan reptile but nothing seemed to have any effect on the creature. U.S. troops stationed in and around the home island joined in the battle but Godzilla seemed unaffected by even the most modern weapons.

godzilla33

Godzilla told reporters that he did not want his son growing up in a world full of white bigots. He said his next target will be Fox News headquarters in New York

“Most of Tokyo now lies in ruins,” said a tearful Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. “Godzilla showed no mercy this time. He just walked out of the sea and tore our city all to hell! He even destroyed Ray’s Sushi and Comfort Woman Bar in Shinjuk. Now I have no idea where I’ll go to relieve the stress that builds up from this fucking job. First Fukushima and now this. Can’t those idiot Americans get their act together? I mean Jesus!”

godzilla1

Godzilla addressed the media from a sandbar in Tokyo Bay

After a full night of unbridled destruction, Godzilla returned to Tokyo bay where he held a brief press conference before returning to the depths.

“The situation in Ferguson reflects the entrenched white male power structure in the United States,” said Godzilla. “It appears that Missouri has made no progress since the days of Jim Crow. I fully expect this kind of thing from that dystopian hellscape they call Florida, but Missouri? I thought those folks were better than that. I guess it’s open season on unarmed black kids in America.”

When asked why he destroyed a Japanese city instead of heading up the Mississippi River to St. Louis, Godzilla replied that it was just force of habit.

This is the 47th time Godzilla has destroyed the Japanese capital.

Congratulations, God! Messiah Sets All Time La Liga Scoring Record!

Posted in humor, sports by

messiah6

CAMP NOU, BARCELONA, CATALONIA, SPAIN (CT&P) – Our Lord and Savior, the goal scoring Messiah Leo Messi scored a hat trick against Sevilla yesterday to set the all time career scoring record in La Liga. The three goals came during a 5-1 trouncing of the unfortunate Sevillistas much to the delight of Barcelona fans at Camp Nou. The former record was set by Telmo Zarra and has stood unbroken since 1955.

messi

After the match Messi levitated over the pitch as he signed autographs and healed the sick before retiring to his multi-million dollar estate on the outskirts of Barcelona

The Lamb of God tied the record of 251 goals with an absolutely divine free kick in the 21st minute that rose over the wall of opposing players, dipped like a star falling from the heavens, and sailed into the corner of the net. Sevilla goalkeeper Antonio Alberto Bastos Pimparel was powerless to block the shot delivered from the left foot of Our Lord.

“It was like the heavens opened and a bolt of lighting hit the net,” said a shaken Beto. “There is no fighting the power of the Son of God.”

The Prince of Pitch scored again in the 72nd minute to set the new scoring record at 252 goals. The goal came off a cross from his disciple Prince Neymar of Brazil.

To celebrate, his devoted disciples raised his body toward the heavens in an act of divine ecstasy.

messi223

After the match, the Messiah gave credit to his Dad and the Holy Ghost for helping him achieve the record

“I’m just delighted to be here to witness these miracles week after week,” said Neymar after the game. “Leo is an all-powerful and all-knowing force out there on the field. He shepherds shot after shot through the heart of the unbeliever’s defenses. I’m just proud to assist him spread the Good News of Barcelona victories in any way I can.”

 

The King of Kings completed his Trinity of goals only six minutes later with a powerful low strike from the edge of the penalty area.

In an interview after the game, Barcelona captain Cardinal Xavi Hernandez told reporters that the Messiah was “simply the best player ever to grace a pitch.” “He is absolutely without sin on the football field,” said Xavi. “And he’s quite useful during practice as well, turning water into Gatorade on a regular basis. All praise be unto Him.”

Messi, who is only 27 years old, has a chance to top three hundred goals in his career, making it almost impossible to beat unless there is a “Third Coming” sometime in the distant future.

Republicans Propose Radically Different Immigration Reform Plan

Posted in humor, politics by

severedhead

WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – Outraged by President Obama’s executive orders on immigration, Republican lawmakers, with the full support of their right-wing Christian base, have proposed a different plan to deal with the almost five million undocumented immigrants currently residing in the United States.

The plan calls for a significant percentage of the “illegals” to be executed immediately as a terrifying example to all those wishing to enter this country in search of a better life. The remainder of the “shiftless job-stealing cretins” would be rounded up and forced back across the border at gunpoint.

Possibly the most ambitious part of the proposal calls for a 20 foot high wall adorned with pikes to be built along our southern border. The severed heads of those trying to cross the border illegally would be placed on the decorative pikes as a reminder to those who would try to enter in the future.

headsonpikes

The new Republican proposal would include a 20 foot high wall along our southern border adorned with severed heads in order to stress the fact that America was founded on “Christian principles.”

Nan Hypocritus, president and managing director of Christians Against Compassion and Empathy, an anti-immigrant group, told Reuters that her group was incredulous that President Obama would take such drastic unilateral action so close to the holidays.

“Thanksgiving is just next week, and Christmas is just around the corner!” said Hypocritus. “How dare he throw a wrench into the sacred holiday season by showing love and compassion to a group of brown people? We Christians have better things to do than worry about protecting immigrants from being torn away from their families and deported to God knows where! We have shopping to do and we are just getting geared up to act like a persecuted minority over the whole ‘War On Christmas’ fantasy! This is just outrageous!”

Although similar executive actions regarding immigration were taken by Republican presidents in the past, G.O.P. leaders are beside themselves over Obama’s orders and vow to make the new proposal law in the near future.

Speaker of the House John Boehner has lumped the new “Final Solution” Immigration Reform Bill in with an omnibus spending package that also features the repeal of Obamacare, mandatory fracking in national parks, the elimination of the EPA and the Department of Education, and the death penalty for Hillary Clinton for her role in the Benghazi conspiracy.

 

 

 

 

Ivory Coast Defeats Sierra Leone 5-1 In African Cup Of Nations Qualifier

Posted in humor, sports by

bubble-soccer

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Sierra Leone suffered an embarrassing thrashing today when it was defeated by Ivory Coast 5-1 in an African Cup of Nations qualifying match in front of a nearly empty Felix Houphouet Boigny Stadium. Those fans brave enough to attend the match were given respirators and rubber gloves before entering the stadium.

divingsuit

Physios for Sierra Leone found it difficult to treat injured players during the game because of the bulky protective gear they were forced to wear by stadium officials

The game was tied 1-1 at halftime, but Ivory Coast came roaring to life in the second half as its players became accustomed to the giant protective bubble suits the Sierra Leone players were forced to wear by the FIFA officiating crew.

“They weaved and bobbed through our defense as if we were not even there,” said Coach John Sesay. “I think it’s highly irresponsible for the people in charge of this tourney to force our guys to wear these ridiculous suits. Not everyone in Sierra Leone has Ebola, you know.”

soccer3

Sierra Leone manager John Sesay was outraged when he had to prove he was healthy enough to coach the game by dribbling through a pride of hungry lions

The Sierra Leone players managed to hold off the unencumbered Ivory Coast players in the first half by forming a giant protective ring around their goal and knocking down opposing players with their huge inflated suits. However, at halftime Ivory Coast Coach Sabri Lamouchi devised a strategy that spelled doom for the potentially infected team from Sierra Leone.

“Coach told us to form a flying wedge and charge through their bubble-wrap defense, which allowed the player with the ball to dribble along behind it and kick the ball into the goal,” said Salomon Kalou, who scored two of Ivory Coast’s four second half goals. “The change in strategy worked wonders. We kicked their bloody, contaminated asses right off the field in the second period.”

Coach Sesay told reporters that he plans on filing an official complaint with FIFA and the governing board of the tournament as soon as he gets over a slight fever and stomach ailment that started plaguing him late last week.

 

Homophobe Bryan Fischer To Be Fitted With Experimental New Muzzle

Posted in humor, politics, religion by
Bryan-Fischer-via-screencap-615x345

Experts have postulated that Fischer’s archaic beliefs and rampant homophobia have something to do with his lifelong battle with constipation

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Right-wing radio host and American Family Association Spokesman Bryan Fischer will be fitted with an experimental new muzzle that will deliver an electric shock to the unhinged pundit whenever he says something incredibly stupid or hateful, according to AFA President Tim Wildmon.

“We have tolerated this idiot long enough,” said Wildmon, during an interview with Jesus Daily, a national tabloid devoted to all things Jesus. “He’s running off donors right and left with this obsession he has with homosexuals. He can’t even complete a sentence on the air without talking about gay marriage, sodomites, or homosexual behavior. I’m starting to think that the old geezer needs psychiatric treatment.”

Hannibal_2

The experimental muzzle has only been tried before on serial killers and Dear Leader Kim Jong-un’s pet Alsatians that are regularly used to rip political opponents to shreds after being covered in Hardee’s biscuit gravy

The tipping point for Wildmon’s decision to use the device, which has only been used before to train political execution dogs in North Korea, was apparently Fischer’s wild rant on his radio show over the weekend.

During a half-crazed 15 minute diatribe about God and gays, Fischer, like so many other evangelicals, pretended to know the mind of God and insisted that the omniscient and all-powerful deity was just as infatuated with homosexuality as he is.

During the borderline psychotic episode Fischer defended his Neolithic opposition to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender rights, arguing that anti-LGBT sentiment was a “natural revulsion.”

Fischer told his “Focal Point” listeners that the term “sodomy” has become culturally obsolete since “it’s an ugly word, because it refers to an ugly practice.”

“It’s not the word, it’s what it describes, it’s what it refers to,” he said. “We have a natural revulsion to that kind of behavior just as God does. We got that from God. God reacts the same way to homosexual behavior, to sodomy, as we do.”

One caller objected to Fischer’s observations, pointing out that the same God that created straights undoubtedly created gays as well, and besides, watching Bryan Fischer have heterosexual sex would be far more revolting than sodomy could ever be.

Apparently Tim Wildmon agreed with the caller because immediate action is being taken to bring the unhinged and sexually insecure Fischer to heel.

Wildmon told reporters that it would probably take few days to get the voltages and fit just right on the new muzzle, but we should expect to hear a much more reasonable Bryan Fischer over the airwaves sometime late next week.

Mad Scientist To Announce Candidacy For President

Posted in humor, politics by

ben-carson-300x210

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Dr. Ben Carson, former neurosurgeon and current right-wing kook will announce his intention to run for the Republican presidential nomination this weekend, according to his long-time aide and press secretary Igor.

igor

Dr. Carson’s longtime aide and press secretary Igor was the product of one of the unhinged physician’s early experimental surgeries.

At a press conference on the steps of Carson’s underground laboratory in rural Virginia, Igor told a group of reporters that Dr. Carson will release a 40 minute video that will outline his policy stances and beliefs so that voters will be able to “get to know him better.” Igor said that Carson hopes that those voters who are not taken aback, shocked, or downright terrified by what they see and hear on the video will go to the polls and support him during the Republican primaries.

Dr. Carson rose to fame within the batshit crazy wing of the Republican Party after an appearance at the National Prayer Breakfast during which he compared Obamacare to slavery, showing a grasp of American history roughly equivalent to that of an average house cat.

jesus-dinosaur4

Dr. Carson is a charter member of the creepy group of idiots that think human beings once walked side-by-side with dinosaurs.

Dr. Carson, who does not believe in evolution, is a strong supporter of the group of raving lunatics who support “Young Earth” creationist theory, a concept with absolutely no scientific fact to back it up. Carson has also referred to abortion as “human sacrifice,” and has compared homosexuality with bestiality and pedophilia.

Carson also wants to abolish Medicare and Medicaid, replace welfare with private charity, and institute a flat income tax, presumably because Jesus was such a strong critic of the poor and less fortunate.

Times-Picayune reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker phoned Professor Toichi Hikita of the Banzai Institute in Holland Township, New Jersey for more insight into Dr. Carson’s troubled psyche.

bride_of_frankenstein1254576511

Not all of Carson’s surgeries were considered successful. Americans are still suffering the results of his attempt to provide Representative Louie Gohmert (seen here on right) with a bride of roughly equal intelligence

“Anyone with a fully functional pre-frontal cortex will no doubt be shocked and disgusted with Carson’s vision of America,” said Hikita. “I really fail to understand how any respectable medical school would loose this madman on the American public. I mean, how can you actually graduate from university and medical school and not believe in something as obvious as evolution?”

Professor Hikita was even more perturbed by Carson’s insane ideas regarding the age of the earth.

“Dr. Carson is one of those ignorant twits that believes the earth is about 6,000 years old,” said Hikita. “That’s the same bunch of hucksters that want us to believe that Jesus and the disciples cruised around Palestine on the backs of dinosaurs. It’s insane. The next thing you know that creepy ass Ken Ham will be running for political office in Kentucky. It may be time to start making sure your passport is in order. If this group ever gains the White House civilization could grind to a halt overnight.”

Although most pundits give Carson roughly a snowball’s chance in Hell of being elected president, stranger things have happened. After all, the normally lucid citizens of Minnesota’s 6th District actually elected a barely functional android, Michele Bachmann, to represent them in Congress.

 

Satan Said To Be ‘Absolutely Delighted’ With Election Results

Posted in humor, politics by

satanhappppy

THE RIVER STYX, HELL (CT&P) – At an early morning press conference just outside the gates of Hell, Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told reporters that Lucifer, Lord of the Underworld and Prince of Darkness, was “positively euphoric” over the results in yesterday’s midterm elections.

nazieurope

Lord Balthazar told reporters that he had not seen Satan more excited and pleased with a takeover since the early 40’s.

“His Majesty Lord Satan could not be happier,” said Balthazar. “Beelzebub believes that these results represent an overwhelming victory for the forces of darkness and will set the United States back decades on important issues such as racial hatred, fear of immigrants, climate change, health care, and women’s rights. With any luck, these fine new elected officials will be able to reverse the current progressive trends that have alarmed all of us down in Hades.”

Balthazar went on to say that Mephistopheles was hopeful that the archaic and draconian policies that the new officeholders support could be used to roll back recent gains made by supporters of gay marriage, enlightened drug policy, and intelligent foreign policy that has so far prevented another ground war in the Middle East.

satantux

In a written statement Satan said that he was sorry he could not appear in person but he could not take time out from his hectic schedule of appearances at Republican fundraisers.

“Lord Apollyon is literally on Cloud Nine,” said Balthazar. “He feels that the election results show once and for all that a well-financed campaign based on fear mongering and hateful rhetoric will sway an unenlightened electorate, just like we have always said it would. He told me in private that now money will surely edge out Ebola, ISIS, and wheat gluten to take its rightful place as the root of all evil in America.”

Lord Balthazar concluded the press conference by telling reporters that although the stars were not as favorably aligned for the 2016 election, Old Nick felt that if supplied with enough cash from earth-dwelling demons such as the Koch brothers, any one of the current GOP Neanderthal candidates for president could give Hillary a run for her money.

“We remain optimistic about 2016,” concluded Balthazar. “Propaganda is a powerful tool to use on an uneducated public, and as the master himself once said, we should ‘think of the press as a great keyboard on which the government can play.’ We feel that as long as our allies such as Fox News can keep their ratings up, there will be enough numbnut voters out there to get our candidate elected president in 2016.”

Latest Polls Show America Not Yet Ready For Democracy

Posted in humor, politics, religion by

teaparty1

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – After analyzing the results of a new Pew Research Center poll conducted just last week, experts have concluded that the United States is not yet ready for a democratic form of government. The finding is particularly troubling considering the midterms are less than one week away.

misspelled8

Dr. Black cited the rise of the Tea Party as one symptom of the overall decline in American education. “After all, do we really want people who have no clue how to spell their own signs going to the polls? I don’t think so.”

“It looks as if we are in real trouble,” said Dr. Frank Black, who headed the Pew Research team. “There are just too many people out there who don’t possess enough innate intelligence to function in everyday life, much less determine their own fate by voting for their own representatives.”

“We found that only 32% of Americans believe that evolution is ‘due to natural processes such as natural selection,’ and fully one-third of Americans are so stupid that they utterly reject the theory of evolution and believe instead that humans ‘have existed in their present form since the beginning of time.'”

“And that is only one example,” continued Black. “The American public’s lack of basic scientific knowledge is mind-boggling.”

rick55

Dr. Black said that when a state elects an ancient Aztec snake god as governor, we are in real trouble.

“Only 20% of Americans believe in the ‘Big Bang,’ only 50% believe in climate change, and an overwhelming number of Americans want to ban incoming flights from Africa because of the Ebola crisis when most American citizens have no fucking clue what a virus even is.”

“Hell,  do you realize that fully 40% of Americans think that they are going to be lifted up into heaven in some sort of Rapture event? It’s really depressing.”

“The state of affairs is equally miserable when it comes to progressive government policy. America has had to be dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century as regards gay marriage, equal pay for women, immigration, and sane firearms policies.”

bricktop3

Dr. Black suggested that a benign dictator would best be able to clean up America and get us back on the right track.

“Given the recent track record, whole swathes of the United States should really not be allowed to vote,” said Black. “The rise of the Tea Party to prominence in recent years should make that obvious. Take Texas and Florida for example. When a one state elects a dolt like Rick Perry and the other an ancient Aztec snake god as governor, we have real problems.”

Dr. Black suggested that since America was not yet ready for any type of representative government that possibly the best alternative would be some form of benign dictatorship.

“If we could get someone in the White House who would dissolve Congress and ratchet up public education to at least Third World standards, then that would be a good start,” said Black. “The money is there if we could just redirect it. Instead of invading Muslim countries every other week, we could use some of those trillions to teach our offspring some basic science, civics, and history. It will be a long, hard slog, but I think the future of North America depends on it. After all, do we really want half of our kids believing that we are being observed by aliens in UFO’s? I don’t think so.”

Christie Proves He’s Got What It Takes To Be Republican Nominee

Posted in humor, politics by

horseass1

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Most right-wing pundits and political strategists  believe that because of his recent actions regarding the Ebola non-crisis in the United States, New Jersey governor and Republican presidential candidate Chris Christie has proven his bona fides and will become the frontrunner in the race for the nomination.

anncoulter_1

Coulter became so excited during her appearance on Hannity’s show that she used up almost 80% of her available fat reserves and required intravenous fluids in order to remain conscious

Celebrated Republican strategist Karl Rove told Sean Hannity during an appearance on his show that Christie “proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that he should be the frontrunner.”

“Governor Christie’s ability to deflect blame onto others during Bridgegate was positively Reaganesque, said Rove. “And by locking up that brave Ebola-fighting nurse he showed that he can act recklessly and with complete disregard for science, reason, and the opinions of experts. That’s exactly what we expect out of a Republican president. I think his future is bright indeed.”

Ann Coulter, rabid right wing pundit and concentration camp survivor, also appeared on Hannity’s show.

“Christie’s actions show a real lack of reasoning and restraint, and we’ve sorely missed that erratic and impulsive behavior over the last six years,” said Coulter. “His complete lack of compassion and empathy with health care workers desperately fighting to stop the Ebola epidemic shows that he can be a real prick and a giant horse’s ass, and that really turns me on!”

The nation’s most prominent horse’s ass, Bill O’Reilly, agreed with Rove and Coulter.

horseass2

America’s most prominent horse’s ass Bill O’Reilly told his decrepit viewers that “Christie has shown that he will act with reckless disregard for science and reason, and that makes him a candidate I can wholeheartedly support.”

O’Reilly told his elderly and weak-minded viewers that “I recognize a fellow horse’s ass when I see one, and Christie is one of the largest I’ve ever come across. Christie is a man who will act first and ask questions later, and that’s the kind of guy we need with his finger on the nuclear trigger.”

“I think Christie will be an articulate representative for our side in the upcoming election,” continued O’Reilly. “He’ll be able to express our policies of demonizing immigrants, gays, and poor black people in way that even the dumbest American will be able to relate to.”

The most recent polls of registered Republicans show that as a result of Christie’s recent hasty and uninformed decision-making, he has passed Texas Governor Rick Perry in popularity. Most of those being polled cited Perry’s low IQ as being a major stumbling block in the upcoming race. However, Perry continues to be the favorite among Tea Partiers and gun nuts.