Tag Archives: satire

Hannity Reveals Miserable Childhood Of Abuse And Torture At Hands Of Sadistic Father

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SANTA ROSA BEACH, UPPER CRETONIA (CT&P) – Last Wednesday Fox News host Sean Hannity revealed to a stunned audience that he had a Kafkaesque childhood filled with physical abuse, torture, and intimidation at the hands of a cruel and sadistic father.

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Hannity’s guests were taken aback as the unhinged host repeatedly beat his desk while screaming “Take that, you little bastard! Next time you better pick up your dirty socks and put them in the washing machine!”

The subject came up as a result of Hannity’s position regarding NFL running back Adrian Peterson’s recent suspension by the Minnesota Vikings for injuring his child with a tree branch. Hannity made a very animated case for Peterson avoiding jail time, stating “every parent has a right under the U.S. Constitution to beat the shit out of their kids anytime they damn well please!”

Peterson is also suspected of injuring a second child.

Hannity’s outburst came during an “NFL Under Fire” roundtable featuring three panelists: Psychotherapist Dr. Robi Ludwig, Fox News legal analyst Mercedes Colwin and Daily National sports editor Mike Bako.

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Hannity’s dad Ivan often water-boarded Sean and Sybil as punishment for wetting the bed

Hannity, 52, described how his father dished out corporal punishment while he was a youngster on Long Island. He casually unbuckled his belt, folded it in half and wrapped it around his right hand.

“I got it like this,” said Hannity as he hit the leather strap against the news desk. Hannity whacked his belt across the desk three times. Spittle flew from Hannity’s mouth and his eye began twitching as he continued the demonstration.  “And I deserved it. I was a troubled kid.”

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Hannity’s dad perfected his techniques by practicing on prostitutes he lured into the home on weekends

“I got hit with a strap, ‘bam, bam, bam,’ … by my father,” Hannity explained as he opened the next segment. “I would tell you that I deserved it, and I’ve never been to a shrink because of it!”

Hannity went on to explain that his father had a wide variety of punishments he meted out for even the smallest infractions.

“My father punched me right in the face when I talked back to him, and I deserved it,” said Hannity, and when I failed to mow the yard properly Dad would stake me out in the backyard naked and let ants crawl over me in the hot sun, and man did I ever deserve it!”

Hannity’s father, Ivan “The Terrible” Hannity, was a great believer in corporal punishment and had a life-long obsession with techniques and devices perfected by the Marquis de Sade and representatives of the Catholic Church during the Inquisition.

“Dad started out with thumbscrews when my sister and I were infants, and worked his way up to the rack and the Judas chair as we grew older,” said Hannity. “His favorite was the Brazen Bull he had hidden in the barn out behind the house, but he only put us in there when we had done something really horrible, like forgetting to let the dog out to urinate.”

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Hannity’s sister Sybil currently lives in the Trenton Home For The Criminally Insane in Trenton, New Jersey. Sean visits her every Sunday so that they can pray together and ask God for forgiveness for being such horrible children

“I can tell you unequivocally that my sister and I richly deserved all the physical and psychological scars that we now carry as adults, and you better believe that our own kids are treated just like we were. I want my kids to grow up as well-adjusted and sexually secure adults just like me and Sybil.”

Hannity’s sister Sybil currently resides in the Trenton Home For The Criminally Insane in New Jersey.

In an interview with Psychology Today the day after the show, Dr. Ludwig said that Hannity’s hideous childhood probably accounts for his extreme insecurity and inability to listen to opposing points of view.

“Hannity exhibits all the hallmarks of an abused child and ‘battered person syndrome,'” said Ludwig. “He believes that he is infallible no matter how ridiculous his positions are, and is just psychologically unable to experience feelings that normal people take for granted, such as empathy and compassion. Boy, has he found a home with Fox News. I’d say it’s the only reason he has not ended up in prison or in an institution like his poor sister Sybil.”

Meanwhile, the branch-wielding Peterson remains suspended until his case is heard in court and is not expected to be a part of the Minnesota Viking’s future. He is reportedly interviewing for a position as a child-rearing expert guest for Fox.

Biblical Scholar And Renowned Astronomer Pat Robertson Warns Armageddon Imminent…Again

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SANTA ROSA BEACH (CT&P) – On his ‘700 Club’ show earlier this week the Right Reverend Pat Robertson warned viewers that the earth could be destroyed as soon as “next week” and that everyone should “Get right and stay right with the Lord.”

Pat was reacting to the announcement on Tuesday by the B612 Foundation that large asteroid strikes are much more common than was once thought. The foundation, a group dedicated to preventing a strike by a planet-killing rock, revealed data that since 2001 at least 26 asteroids have caused explosions in the atmosphere as large as an atomic bomb.

Upon hearing this disturbing news, Pat immediately went into self promotion/Armageddon doomsayer mode. “I wrote a book, I wrote a book. It’s called ‘The End of the Age’ and it deals with an asteroid hitting the Earth,” Robertson said on his show. “I don’t see anything else that fulfills the prophetic words of Jesus Christ other than an asteroid strike. There isn’t anything that will cause the seas to roil, that will cause the skies to darken, the moon and the sun not to give their light, the nations terrified on Earth saying ‘what’s happening?'”

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Pat Robertson, here seen having a minor CVA while plugging one of his books, has long been a voice of doom and gloom on television and radio

Robertson concluded the segment by saying, “It could be next week, or it could be a 1,000 years from now, but nevertheless we want to be ready at whatever time the Lord says ‘I’m wrapping it up, it’s time to come home.'”

According to the unbalanced and downright creepy Reverend Robertson, this latest weapon in the Lord’s diverse and ever-growing arsenal will apparently be some kind of divine “doomsday rock” hurled by the angry deity directly at our unfortunate planet.

We at the Times wanted to dig deeper into the story so we contacted our source for all things divine, the Archangel Gabriel. Gabriel spoke via Skype to our ace reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker.

“That dude is out of his fucking mind as usual,” said a mildly agitated Gabriel. “He runs around yelling ‘God did this and God did that,’ and says ‘God is punishing the Haitians for voodoo’ and all this other crap. Hell, he’s predicted the end of the world so many times it makes your head spin around like Linda Blair’s.”

“Take it from me, and I should know, Pat Robertson would not know God’s wrath if it came up and bit him on the ass.”

Gabriel continued, “If the Old Man wanted to smite the earth, he’d do it the old-fashioned way. He’d just send me or Mike down to turn your cities into smoldering ruins and you talking monkeys into pillars of salt.”

“I don’t know where he gets all these ridiculous ideas, unless it’s some sort of hype to sell his books. If the dude really wants to prepare for the imminent destruction of earth and truly ‘get right with Jesus’ he better start taking Pope Francis’ advice and divest some of his billion-dollar empire to the poor and hungry instead of buying $500,00 thoroughbreds.”

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The Archangel Gabriel becomes agitated at the mere mention of Robertson’s name. Gabriel does not like false prophets and despises pansies.

“One thing that really irritates me about you guys in your sagging skin suits is that you will believe any bullshit that some cretin spouts on television or radio. If a group of eminent scientists tells you that there is an asteroid threat it seems logical to me that you should spend a few bucks on figuring out how to stop the damn things before you have a planetary barbecue on your hands. But no, instead you talking monkeys want to cower in some church to wail and gnash your teeth instead.”

“It’s disgusting and embarrassing. Don’t listen to some freak with a microphone, use the brains God gave you instead, you idiots!”

At that point “The Coyote” thanked Gabriel for his insight and ended the interview because the easily irritated Gabriel has been known to immolate innocent bystanders on a whim.

There is a silver lining to all this doom and gloom. Ed Lu, along with fellow ex-astronauts Tom Jones and Bill Anders, has been attempting to develop a better asteroid early warning system, the Sentinel Infrared Space Telescope. The telescope will work by scanning the sky in infrared, which will allow it to calculate the trajectory and velocity of asteroids. It is hoped in the future we will at least be able to detect every planet or city-killer that might be on a collision course with earth.

There is no word yet on whether or not Robertson will contribute to the cause of preventing a devastating asteroid strike. More than likely he’ll just purchase another potential Kentucky Derby winner instead while at the same time warning the faithful of God’s wrath over gay marriage.

 

 

The KKK Took My Baby Away! Cretinous Crack Ho Downloads Zygote In Motel Bathtub

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florida

OCALA (CT&P) – Chrystal Hassell and Vincent Terry started out their “getaway” vacation just like any other happy Florida couple would, with a pocketful of primo rock and an economy sized bucket of Astroglide. They even purchased two brand new crack pipes and a windproof lighter for the occasion. What they did not take into account was the imminent birth of their second zygote. They also did not take into account that they are both moronic idiots.

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Ms Hassell and Mr Terry will be taking a break from child-rearing duties courtesy of the Florida Department of Corrections

The unfortunate Ms Hassell was arrested last week at the Mephistopheles Motor Inn after giving birth to something during a particularly long and gratifying binge while her mate Mr. Terry was out scouring the landscape for supplies. The quick-thinking and practical Hassell used her five remaining teeth to sever the umbilical cord and get on with the business at hand, reloading the pipe.

Ms Hassell’s 11-month-old son Damien, the product of another supernatural event, entertained himself by playfully levitating razor-sharp kitchen knives around the motel room while all this was going on.

“I didn’t want a trivial event such as giving birth to kill my excellent buzz, and I knew Damien could more than take care of himself,” Hassell told Randal “if it bleeds it leads” McMurphy, of Ocala’s WPBF. “I mean, do you know how hard it is to find good rock nowadays? We stockpiled that shit for weeks before checking in to the motel.”

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11-month-old Damien “Bile Geyser” Hassell expressed his displeasure with child services officials by spinning his head rapidly on its axis and spewing toxic sludge from his esophagus.

Her mate, Mr. Terry, was also arrested on a warrant out of Colorado where he is wanted for a few minor infractions including but not limited to domestic violence, violation of probation, and attempted murder. He is currently being held in the Marion County Jail along with his soul mate Ms Hassell.

In a separate interview Terry stated that they had both used drugs and spawned new species in the past, but never at the same time. “This is a new experience for both of us,” said Terry. “We really did not know Chrystal was pregnant. I mean, she felt movement in her abdomen but we both thought it was just worms. When I got back from the Dollar Store I was as surprised as she was that I was gonna be a dad again!”

Mr. Terry is also the sire of Ms Hassell’s first male progeny, Damien, who is only a yearling. Ms Hassell also has a 16-year-old daughter nicknamed “Carrie” for her ability to scan the minds of those around her and make them acquiesce to her malevolent schemes. Her exact location is unknown at this time, but she was last seen entering the Everglades riding on the back of an eleven-foot-long alligator.

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Ms Hassell’s uncle has generously offered to take care of the kids while she is “unavoidably detained”

Throughout the whole ordeal the loving couple have managed to keep a sunny and optimistic outlook on the future.

When queried by reporters Mr. Terry said “Of course we’re staying together. My brood is here, and I don’t care if they are ‘special needs’ kids. The Good Lord taught us to love our kids regardless of their alien origins.”

A spokesman from the Marion County Sheriff’s Department told our ace reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that the Department of Children’s Services will do their best to keep the family unit intact. “We really don’t have much choice in the matter,” said Corporal Frank “Bat” Guano. “Even as screwed up as people are down here I don’t think we could find anyone dumb enough to foster this crew.”

 

 

 

 

 

Easter Bunny Hospitalized For “Nervous Exhaustion” Following Particularly Stressful Easter Season

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SANTA ROSA BEACH (CT&P) – The Easter Bunny collapsed from exhaustion as she made her final deliveries in the Washington D.C. area early this morning. She was immediately rushed to the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland where she is said to be resting comfortably after being given a liberal dose of Xanax for her nerves.

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Alice “Easter” Bunny is seen here resting comfortably in her room at Walter Reed. She is expected to make a full recovery

A spokesman for the hospital told a gaggle of reporters that the Bunny, who’s first name is Alice, had endured “a particularly stressful Easter season” and that “it all just became too much to bear.” The spokesman said that Alice wanted all the kids on her final route to rest assured they would get their eggs. Emergency calls have been placed to Paris via the U.N. and backup flying French “Easter Bells” were taking up the slack.

The 2014 Easter season has been a particularly stressful one for Alice for a variety of reasons. As everyone knows, she is a part-time employee and is not eligible to receive health insurance from her employer. In the past few years the cost of insurance has risen so precipitously that Alice finally had to sell her hutch and move into a warren in order to make ends meet. To make matters worse, she missed the Obamacare sign-up deadline because of a computer glitch, so she has had to make appearances and gather eggs while being uninsured.

Her stress level shot up immensely when she was lured into an appearance with Bill O’Reilly on Fox News early last week. O’Reilly’s other guests were the Reverend Donald Wildmon of the American Family Organization and Dan Barker, co-founder of the Freedom From Religion Foundation. Alice “Easter” Bunny, who has consistently claimed that she is strictly nondenominational, was caught in a crossfire between the two adversaries as both demanded that she take sides in the debate.

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Dr. Roger Lepus expects Alice to make a full recovery

“That was the last bedding straw,” said the hospital spokesman. “I don’t think her tender psyche could take any more, and the stress just got the best of her this morning. However, we expect her to make a full recovery and she should be ‘fit as a fiddle’ for next Easter, so the kids shouldn’t worry about getting their fair share of tooth-rotting, diabetes-inducing chocolate rabbit figurines in the future. As for this year, we have full confidence that those weird French flying bells will complete her route around D.C.”

 

Yellowstone Bison “Bemused” After Punking Thousands Of Idiots On The Internet

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YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK (CT&P) – A spokesman for the Even-toed Ungulates Society of Greater Yellowstone told reporters this morning that Yellowstone bison were “tickled and a little bemused” by all the attention that a short video of themselves was getting on the internet. The video went viral early last week and has caused a great deal of wailing and gnashing of teeth by tens of thousands of weak-minded alarmists around the globe.

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Buffalo “Bill” Ungulate is spokesman for the Even-toed Ungulates Society of Greater Yellowstone

The video was said to depict members of the subfamily Bovidae fleeing the confines of Yellowstone for the relative safety of Cody, Wyoming and Gardiner, Montana. The reason given for the “Buffalo Exodus” in the video was that the bovines had somehow divined the imminent doom of the park and a large portion of the United States at the hands of a super volcano.

Visitors to the park as well as thousands of idiots around the globe phoned park officials to voice their concerns over the situation and seek instructions in the event that they should suddenly find themselves covered with red hot toxic ash. Kooky survivalists and wacked-out Bible prophets added to the aggravation by posting videos of their own predicting impending apocalypse and the end of civilization as we know it.

Park officials were quick to point out that the four-legged “steaks on the hoof” were actually running deeper into the park, not fleeing it for other environs. “It was a spring-like day and they were frisky. Contrary to online reports, it’s a natural occurrence and not the end of the world,” said Amy Bartlett, a spokeswoman for the park.

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Freddie Wisent is famous for his pranks and weird sense of humor. He once burst into a rancher’s kitchen and demanded French toast and coffee for breakfast

The park sits atop an ancient volcano whose caldera is roughly 50 miles long and 30 miles wide. However, since every scrap of scientific evidence points towards another eruption tens of thousands of years in the future and not tomorrow night, it seems we have little to worry about.

“The chance of that happening in our lifetime is exceedingly insignificant,” said Peter Cervelli, associate director of science and technology at the U.S. Geological Survey’s Volcano Science Center in California.

Despite the best efforts of park officials, scientists, and sane people to quell the abject panic, the video continues to alarm dolts and dimwits across America and the world.

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Freddie’s wife Hildabeest has never been amused by his “silly antics”

The bison themselves find the whole situation laughable. “You humans are so fucking gullible,” said Buffalo “Bill” Ungulate, a spokesman for the Ungulates Society and friends with the herd that carried out the prank. Those guys just saw some cars passing by and thought it would be fun to get down on the highway and raise a little hell. They had no idea that it would cause such a ruckus,” said Ungulate. “It was all Freddie Wisent’s idea. He’s from Europe originally and has a weird sense of humor. He’s always jerking the tourists around by break-dancing  around Old Faithful in a Speedo and acting silly in front of the kids. Freddie is a real clown if there ever was one. He never takes anything seriously.”

 

“Have Yourself A Merry Little Drone Strike”

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Have yourself a merry little drone strike, let your heart be light

From now on our victims will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little drone strike, make the Yuletide gay

From now on our pilots will be miles away

Here we are as in olden days, happy golden days of gore

Faithful rebels who were dear to us, are not near to us anymore

Through the years we all will be together, if the courts allow

Hang a bloody corpse upon the highest bough

And have yourself a merry little drone strike now

ISLAMABAD-As Christmas Day approaches and millions of Americans are celebrating the birth of Christ by purchasing presents from Walmart, our military marked the occasion by obliterating a few suspected militants in Yemen and North Waziristan. Although administration officials declined comment on the strikes, we managed to reach General Jack Ripper USAF (Ret) for his thoughts on the matter.

Iraqi Freedom

Nothing says “Merry Christmas” quite like a series of massive bombs detonating right in the middle of a wedding procession!

“It has become a sort of Christmas tradition,” said General Ripper. “The holidays are the perfect time to hit the enemy because we can target weddings and other gatherings during the slow news cycle back home. Most Americans are more concerned with the mythical “War on Christmas” than with innocent people being vaporized in the name of democracy. Drone strikes are great because they are the most cost-effective way to provoke the locals and swell the ranks of our terrorist opponents. If we face growing numbers of terrorists then it is much easier to justify a bloated defense budget and intrusive information-gathering programs.”

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General Ripper spoke to us from a private suite in the psychiatric wing of Walter Reed Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland

General Ripper continued, “These savages living in mud huts thousands of miles away constitute a clear and present danger to our way of life and our republic, and the startling truth is that there are at least a few dozen of them. Furthermore, these guys are believed to be the masterminds behind the evil worldwide plot to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids,” said Ripper. “Our nation is a righteous one founded on Christian principles,chosen by God and Jesus to lead the free world, and if we have to blow up the rest of the globe to prove it, then by God that’s what we’re gonna do!” General Ripper had to end our phone interview at that point because it was time for the night nurse to distribute medication.

Pakistani and Yemeni government officials have protested the drone strikes as being counter-productive, and serve only to provoke lunatic religious fanatics. They have advised citizens living in tribal areas that during traditional infidel holidays a trip to a large town may be in order, and all New Year’s Eve celebrations should be held in caves deep underground.

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Florida Bill Makes Poverty A Felony

Posted in politics, Uncategorized by

florida

As the 2014 gubernatorial race starts to heat up, a bill is working its way through the Florida legislature that would make it a felony offense to earn less than $25,000.00 per year. The bill will also place those with minority racial status on probation.

In 2011, Florida effectively disenfranchised 1.5 million citizens with a  new restrictive voting law. The law prohibits anyone ever convicted of a felony from voting in local, state or federal elections. Commenting on the situation, Governor Rick Scott stated “We really got on the right track in 2011, and this new bill should put us over the top.” When asked what he meant, Scott replied “Well, we certainly don’t want to risk uncertainty in the election process by allowing criminals to vote, and since most crime is committed by the poor and minorities, this new law just takes the next logical step. The bill will prevent undesirables from participating in the election process.”

One of the chief sponsors of the bill, Representative Billy Bob McSneed, a Republican from Panama City, stated “All these minorities, many of them illegal, are taking our jobs and threatening our way of life down here. By placing them on probation, we can better control ’em and stop all the election fraud. Hell, it’s bad enough that we let ’em drive.”

Election fraud in Florida has reached enormous proportions in Florida over the last decade, according to the Florida Republican Central Committee. McSneed supplied us with documents proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that there have been at least three dozen cases of individuals voting illegally in Florida over the last ten years.

“We live in state where 36 votes could tip the balance, McSneed said. The only logical thing to do is attack the root of the disease, not the symptoms, and the root of the disease is poor people, minorities, and poor minorities.”

When asked how many citizens of the state that this bill would disenfranchise, Governor Scott replied, “We have no idea, but the vast majority of them will be Democrats, and that’s all that matters.”

Challenges to the new bill’s constitutionality will no doubt be numerous. However, given the current glut of challenges in Florida’s courts challenging other demented laws passed by the legislature, any decision will be slow in coming and probably will occur post-election.

Reached for comment was Representative Barbara Hernandez, Democrat from Miami. She stated, “I am currently trying to decide whether to hang myself or move to a more open society. Maybe Cuba or North Korea.”