Tag Archives: satire

Florida Governor Rick Scott Pledges To Personally Eradicate Zika Mosquitoes

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rickscott777

 

TALLAHASSEE –  (CT&P) – Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott held a press conference this morning and pledged to take action to eradicate Zika mosquitoes invading the Miami area.

Frustrated by the inability of President Obama and Congress to take decisive action Governor Scott, known as Quetzalcoatl or “Feathered Serpent” to his inner circle, promised the residents of Florida and Greater Cretonia that he would personally fight the mosquitoes by adjusting his diet and feeding schedule.

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When Governor Scott was growing up in Tenochtitlan over 1000 years ago he became famous for keeping the entire district free of harmful insects.

In recent years Scott has almost exclusively consumed the infant offspring of illegal farm workers kept as slaves in Florida’s godforsaken panhandle area. Scott usually devours one baby or toddler per month.

However, as part of his new plan to contain the mosquito-borne virus Scott told reporters that he would start eating insects again like he did when he was a young snake.

“I used to eat thousands of flying insects, roaches, grasshoppers”, you name it,” hissed the Governor. “I’ll forego eating kids for a few months until this crisis passes. It’s the least I can do for my constituents.”

So far there has been no reaction from the CDC on the new plan.

Trump Becomes Disoriented During Speech, Thinks He’s In Fucking Mogadishu

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People escape from the direction of a huge fire-ball after an accidental explosion at a petrol storage facility within the former United States residential housing in capital Mogadishu September 3, 2013. REUTERS/Feisal Omar (SOMALIA - Tags: DISASTER ENERGY)

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – While giving his acceptance speech as the GOP nominee Thursday night Donald Trump became confused and disoriented and thought he was running for president of Somalia.

 

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Trump told the seething mass of hate filled delegates that the moment he took office law and order would return.

During the 76 minute long horror fest, Trump described a dystopian hellscape that few people outside the arena recognized. The description of the country in which we live was so bleak and disturbing that many of the older delegates in the arena chose suicide rather than return to their districts.

 

Yelling like a warlord on khat, Trump told his audience of insecure, terrified white people that we are awash in a sea of random violence with illegal immigrants, terrorists, brown folks, black folks, yellow folks, red folks, Hillary Clinton, and Satan himself all posing an existential threat to the country.

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Trump said he alone could make Amtrak trains run on time.

 

Only the day after the speech was it revealed that the fluorescent rodent of a man had suffered a mild stroke on Wednesday night while watching Blackhawk Down so he could get in the mood for his big appearance.

 

“He still thinks he’s surrounded by black militants trying to kill us all,” said an aide on condition of anonymity. “The guy was never too bright to begin with. God knows how much damage was done to his small brain. This is gonna be a long three months, I can tell you that.”

 

Graham Under Investigation For Stealing Gold Fillings From Deceased Parishioners

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franklin-graham

 

RALEIGH – (CT&P) – The North Carolina Bureau of Investigation has confirmed that a probe has been initiated into the activities of the Reverend Franklin Graham concerning accusations of theft from families of deceased members of his church.

Lieutenant R.J. Scrotum of the NCBI told reporters this morning that Graham has been accused of stealing several Rolex watches, two diamond brooches, one Congressional Medal of Honor, numerous expensive wedding rings, and most shocking of all, hundreds of gold fillings from the corpses of members of his flock.

“We have received credible information that leads us to believe that Mr. Graham on more than one occasion waited until people left the funerals he was officiating then broke open the coffins and robbed the corpses. We believe that this activity has been going on for years, and we ask any members of Graham’s church who have suspicions to please come forward and meet with us.”

When asked how the NCBI became aware of the alleged thefts, Officer Scrotum said that a family member became suspicious when he inadvertently picked up Graham’s coat at a get together after his aunt’s funeral and discovered garden shears and pliers in the pockets.

“I said wait just one fucking minute, what does this guy need with those?” said Cletis Toadskinner of Hemorrhagic Springs, South Carolina. “Then I remembered him hanging around and being the last to leave the graveside. So I had Aunt Elba dug up and sure enough, she was missing her ring finger and four of her teeth were gone. It was devastating.

“I remember thinking what a hypocritical asshole that dude was when I saw him on television, but I had no idea he was that creepy, I mean Jesus Christ!”

Graham was arrested this morning in Asheville but he was later released on a $1 million bond.

As Graham was leaving the courthouse today an aide said the charges against him were ridiculous and called the bond a “drop in the bucket compared to what we rake in each week from all those ignorant hicks.”

 

 

Evangelicals Ditch Jesus, Place Faith In Trump

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jesus55

 

CLEVELAND – (CT&P) – White evangelical voters overwhelmingly back Donald Trump for president, according to a new poll released last Wednesday.

Trump, the presumptive GOP presidential nominee, has 78 percent support among registered voters who identify as white evangelical Protestants, while Hillary Clinton, widely considered to be the Antichrist, has 17 percent, a Pew Research Center Survey found.

Fifty-five percent said they “strongly support” Trump, while twenty-three percent said they were wavering between him and Jesus Christ, the presumptive Son of God.

“It’s a tough call,” said Grover McCluck of Forlorn Hope, West Virginia. “I’ve always supported Jesus, but look at how many Messicans and Mooselims he’s allowed to come into our country. I tell ya’ I’m more than a little disappointed with this whole ‘love thy neighbor’ crap. It costing us too many jobs.

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The statues in Dr. Ben Carson’s hallway reportedly wept blood after the poll was released.

“Hell, I lost my job at the coal mine ’cause of all them Hispanic kids pouring across the border,” said McCluck, as he coughed up small bits of lung.

The Reverend Franklin Graham, evangelist and hypocritical turd, told CNN that he didn’t find the shift from Jesus to Donald surprising at all.

“Look, we uber Christians talk a good game, but when it comes down to it, our main goal is to amass as much wealth as possible. After all, we’re not idiots. We’re not going to let a bunch of hooey from the New Testament get in the way of our lifestyle, now are we?”

When asked if evangelicals would not be considered hypocrites for supporting such a hideous human being for president, Graham just laughed and said, “You really are naive, aren’t you?”

“We think that Trump’s fascist plans for deportation, tax breaks for the rich, and alienation of every minority in the United States will allow us white folks to be in power for decades to come, and that bodes well for our pocketbooks. In short, money talks and bullshit walks!”

The same poll showed surprisingly little support among black evangelicals.

“We’re not so easily fooled by idiots making ridiculous promises,” explained Cornell Brooks, president of the NAACP.

“We’ve been dealing with that bullshit for over 200 years.”

Trump Delegate Misses First Night At Convention

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redneckswithguns44

 

CLEVELAND – (CT&P) – Trump delegate Billy Bob McSneed from Deer Tick, Tennessee missed the entire first night of the GOP convention after going on a two-day bender after he arrived in Cleveland early Saturday morning.

McSneed, a part-time slaughterhouse janitor and respected meth cook in Hemophilia County in the Appalachian foothills, told the leader of the Tennessee delegation that he became overly excited because it was the first time he had been out-of-state since 1994, when he was fleeing police on crack cocaine charge.

“Listen, Saturday was the first time I ever rode on a flying machine and it really pumped me up,” said McSneed when interviewed by a local television station. “I just felt like lettin’ my hair down a little bit and me and some gals I met in the alley behind the motel just had us a little party, that’s all. I’m all in for Trump. He’s my man!”

According to WKYC in Cleveland McSneed has agreed to pay for damage done to his room and an elevator during the “party” and will be allowed to stay the rest of the week provided he is supervised by other members of the Tennessee delegation.

Advisers Scramble To Show Trump Where Turkey Is Located

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trumpdumb

 

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Advisers and aides to Donald Trump had to scramble this afternoon to locate maps and a globe so they could show him just where the fuck Turkey was.

“We showed him two or three times and then tested him by showing him a map without the names of the countries on it,” said an aide speaking on condition of anonymity. “After about a dozen attempts he finally figured it out.”

Trump, not known for his knowledge of anything, is particularly ignorant when it comes to foreign policy.

“He is completely inept when comes to geography,” said the aide. “Ask him to point out Australia and he may point to Antarctica or even Corsica. He’s a real fuckwit.”

After briefing the GOP nominee on where Turkey was located and the difference between Asia and Europe, his staff then wrote out a detailed response to the coup that he could send out on Twitter.

No one on Trump’s staff believed he had any idea what the statement meant.

Gingrich Proposes Really Tough Questionnaire To Root Out Terrorists

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Newt-Gingrich

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Former Speaker of the House, former possible running mate for lunatic Donald Trump and former sane person Newt Gingrich has come up with a sure-fire plan to root out terrorists living in or trying to enter the United States.

A simple questionnaire, which quizzes suspect individuals about sharia law and how they feel about it would be an invaluable tool in keeping America safe, said Gingrich during a telephone interview last night with Fox News’ colon rodent Sean Hannity.

“Let me start where I am coming from and let me be as blunt and direct as I can be — western civilization is in a war. We should frankly test every person here who is of a Muslim background, and if they believe in Sharia, they should be deported,” Gingrich said.

“Sharia is incompatible with western civilization. Modern Muslims who have given up Sharia — glad to have them as citizens. Perfectly happy to have them next door. But we need to be fairly relentless about who our enemies are.”

Gingrich reiterated his support for the questionnaire this morning at a press conference outside his home in Atlanta.

“Once we implement this strategy and get rid of all the terrorists, we can then use a similar questionnaire to deport black people or anyone else who shows sympathy for the Democratic Party,” said Gingrich, as he scanned the crowd for possible new wives.

So far there has been no comment from law enforcement or the Obama Administration on whether or not Gingrich’s brilliant plan will be adopted.

 

Trump Delegate Looks Forward To Finding A ‘Real Man’ At GOP Convention

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redneck_bride

 

BATON ROUGE – (CT&P) – Tanya “Hep C” McGhee, a Trump delegate from Syphilis Springs, Louisiana told CNN last week that she hopes to “land a real man” when she travels to Cleveland in less than two weeks.

“There just ain’t too many guys to choose from down here. All the good ones is taken and the few that are left just want to take advantage of me for my body,” said McGhee, as she wiped tobacco juice from her chin.

When asked why she supported Trump, she said that he really told it like it was and would help run off “all them slant-eyed devils” coming in from southeast Asia and stealing all the good jobs at all the hair salons and “toenail trimmers.”

“Trump is gonna make America great again like it was before we let all them black folks and foreigners come in and take over,” said McGhee. “Obama has done destroyed this country and it’s gonna take a straight talkin’ businessman like Trump to rebuild ‘Murica.”

McGhee said that while she was in Cleveland she’d be staying at the Motel 6 out by the airport and that any ‘real man’ interested in a loving, long-term relationship should make plans to drop by.

McGhee said that she’s optimistic that out of all the neo-Nazis and white nationalists that are planning to attend, there’d be at least one who would make a good husband and dad to her seven young kids.

“There’s got to be at least one guy out there that’ll appreciate a hard-workin’, fun-lovin’, gal like me,” said McGhee.

McGhee said that whoever comes by her room better damn sure bring his own Budweiser because she’s “had it up to here” with freeloaders.

God ‘Sick And Tired’ Of Protecting Kid From Incompetent Mom

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monty-python-god

 

PEARLY GATES – (CT&P) – At press conference held early this morning just outside Heaven, God told reporters that he was “fed up” with protecting little Johnny Gregg from his moronic mother.

“I’m sick and fucking tired of having to follow this chick around making sure she doesn’t accidentally kill her little brat,” said a pissed-off Jehovah.

“Last week I caught her letting the hellion play on the rooftop of her eight story apartment complex. I had to cushion his fall or he would have ended up as a useless mass of protoplasm on the sidewalk. The week before that she accidentally threw him down the garbage chute along with nine empty boxes of bonbons and a stack of old National Enquirers.

“And what did she do this week?

“She takes the kid to the zoo and leaves him unsupervised while she goes off to buy some popcorn and cotton candy to shovel into her gullet, and while she’s washing it all down with a Big Gulp he falls into the fucking gorilla enclosure. This bitch has already cost the life of one endangered species. There’s no telling what she’ll do next. She’s a walking disaster area. This idiot and her spawn are taking up way too of much of my time.

“I’m telling you I’ve had it! From now on the rug rodent is on his own. It’s the law of the jungle for Little Johnny. I’ve got a universe to run.”

Ryan Still Hesitant To Endorse Giant Orange Turd For President

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paul-ryan

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – House Speaker Paul D. Ryan said Wednesday he will not be rushed into an endorsement of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, tamping down speculation that he was moving toward a declaration of support.

“Look, I don’t have a timeline in my mind, and I have not made a decision,” Ryan (R-Wis.) told reporters summoned to his Capitol office suite. “Nothing has changed from that perspective, and we’re still having productive conversations as part of our agenda project.

“You have to remember that this is the first time in the history of the United States that any party has nominated a turd for president, much less an orange one.

“The Republican Party is brimming with scat of various shapes and sizes. Take the Freedom Caucus for example, it’s loaded with feces, and let’s not forget the elder coprolites who have retired from politics like Newt Gingrich, so we in the GOP know a thing or two about excrement. I’m just having a hard time wrapping my head around supporting a giant bipedal stool sample for president, that’s all.”

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Ryan said that he was familiar with GOP turds that had run for president in the past such as Newt Gingrich, but this marked the first time that one had risen to the surface to become the nominee.

He added, “I think it’s important that we discuss the principles we all share in common and the policies that come from them and get a good understanding on those. And that’s the kind of conversations we’re having, as well as trying to teach the dumb son of bitch some basic civics.”

What has made Ryan’s hesitation so profound is the gravity of the issues on which he does not believe he and Trump are simpatico — issues like the constitutional limits on executive powers, which is a focus of the agenda project. “We want to make darn sure that that huge pile of orange poop understands, appreciates, respects and supports the Constitution and the kinds of principles that come with it, and those are some of the conversations we have been having,” he said.

Ryan was pressed on whether the House was preparing plans for the mass deportation of illegal immigrants — a key plank of Trump’s platform. Ryan, who opposes mass deportation and supports a path to legal status for the undocumented, noted that immigration is not part of the agenda project, but like any good Republican he wished there were no minorities in the United States at all, so he believes common ground can be reached.

Issues like trade and immigration that were cleaving the presidential field months ago were deliberately left out of the agenda project, in favor of issues where GOP unity is easier to find, like denying poor people health care, spending as much as possible on the military-industrial complex, and abolishing all regulations on anything other than abortion.

Ryan offered no definitive date as to when he would make a decision.