Tag Archives: satire

High School Commencement Speakers Tell Graduates They Actually Matter

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graduation

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – A New York Times/SurveyMonkey Poll taken over the weekend has found that over 90% of commencement speakers at high school graduation ceremonies around the country this year told seniors that they actually matter and will make a difference in society.

In the survey, over 1000 commencement speakers were asked a variety of questions regarding the subject matter and overall tone of the speeches they gave.

“Frankly, we were shocked by what we found,” said Professor John Two Horns of SurveyMonkey.

“Almost every speaker we surveyed told graduating seniors that they were ‘the future of America,’ would ‘make a huge difference,’ and were ‘really important.’ We couldn’t find a single speaker that told these kids that their lives really didn’t matter one iota in the overall scheme of things. I mean, someday the sun will burn out and all traces of humanity will be gone. Why doesn’t someone tell them that? ”

“It’s as if these commencement speakers entered some alternate universe for an hour where facts and figures don’t matter,” said John Bigboote of the New York Times. “We don’t know what to make of it, other than they’re saying what the little cretins want to hear. I mean, it’s not as if they need their self-esteem pumped up any more; they’re already narcissistic little monsters anyway.”

Dr. John Mud Head of SurveyMonkey who managed the joint survey agreed.

“My kid just graduated a few years ago and it seemed like we were going to some fucking awards ceremony every other week and watching a soccer game every ten minutes,” said Dr. Mud Head. “It was pure hell. These kids have no idea what they’re in for, I can tell you that.”

Dr. Mud Head said that SurveyMonkey planned on conducting a follow-up survey of graduates ten years from now once they’ve found out that they’re not so fucking precious.

 

 

 

 

Support For Trump Surges With Abused Women

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Miss_Universe_2010.sff_s878x583

 

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Just one day after a “hit piece” in the New York Times about how Donald Trump treats women was published, a new poll suggests that his support among abused women has surged to new heights.

The Quinnipiac/SurveyMonkey poll taken of 1000 current and former beauty queens, victims of domestic abuse, and sex slaves across the United States this morning found that an average of 80% of the abused/objectified woman demographic found Trump attractive. 70% said they would marry Trump immediately if he became available, and 65% said they would have sex with him no questions asked.

russianbeautyqueen

Petra Warmtwatavich dated Mr. Trump for over a week during the Miss Universe Pageant in Moscow in 2013. Warmtwatavich was a hero of the 2008 Russo-Georgian War where she knocked out three Georgian tanks using sticky bombs made from plastic explosive stuffed into silk stockings and coated with Astroglide.

“The article in the Times seems to have really shored up his support among women who are used to being viewed as a piece of meat to be used and discarded,” said Dr. Emilio Lizardo of SurveyMonkey.

“Women who have had their personalities beaten down to nothing and their lives shattered at the hands of men seem to really dig The Donald.”

Rowanne Brewer Lane, a former model who was featured in the article, told Fox News this morning that the Times spun the information and were out to get a “good man.”

“After the first inspection, in which Mr. Trump carefully examined me from head to toe and probed critical areas for firmness, we got along great. He was a perfect gentleman and was even nice enough to ask if I was on my period before our first date. You don’t run into that kind of caring, sensitive man very often.”

 

Petra Warmtwatavich, Miss Siberia 2012, agreed with Lane.

“Mr. Trump very nice,” said Warmtwatavich. “Mr. Trump have many rubles. I marry Mr. Trump but Petra need more than small American penis can give.”

 

There have been no polls taken yet of the general public or of the all-important married women demographic after the Times piece was published, but pundits believe it will do nothing to help Trump’s huge negatives with women in general.

“Trump is unique in American politics because we’ve never seen such a moronic buffoon reach such heights,” said former Vermont governor Howard Dean on MSNBC. “After this article he’ll no doubt try to go out and play the ‘abused woman’ card, but it won’t get him anywhere. There are simply not enough cases of domestic abuse out there to get him elected.”

 

Republican Party To Unify Behind Exciting New Racist

Posted in politics by

ryantrump

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Paul Ryan and Donald Trump released a joint statement today meant to signal their unity following a two-hour meeting on Capitol Hill.

The statement from the presumptive GOP presidential nominee and House Speaker said the two had a “great conversation” and that they were honest over their “few differences” during two hours of meetings on Thursday.

“We will be having additional discussions, but remain confident there’s a great opportunity to unify our party and win this fall, and we are totally committed to working together to achieve that goal,” the joint statement said.
It fell short of an endorsement of Trump by Ryan, who shocked many Republicans a week ago by saying he was not yet ready to get in line behind the man expected to clinch the GOP nomination in coming weeks.
“I’m not quite willing to endorse yet, but I’m sure we can reach some sort of agreement that will allow me to put my core principles aside and get behind this buffoon that the Republican base has decided will be our standard-bearer,” said a nervous looking Ryan.
“After all, what really matters is power.”
Senator Jeff Sessions of what is left of the State of Alabama agreed, saying “I’m excited to have a new and charismatic racist leading our party. He’s brought in hundreds of thousands of new bigots, misogynists and xenophobic kooks into our party, and with his help we can turn back the clock decades, maybe even a century. Together we can make sure no negro ever holds the office of president again. It’s an exciting time to be alive.”
As of this morning no new Republican leaders have endorsed Trump, but most pundits believe that it’s only a matter of time before most members of the GOP put aside their core beliefs, decency and common sense and rally behind the giant orange colon rodent for president.

Guns, Beer And Vomit: Trump Delegates In Custody After Rampage In Death Valley

Posted in environment, politics by

trumpster2

 

LOS ANGELES – (CT&P) – Three men who went on a drunken rampage involving gunfire, vomiting, skinny dipping and the death of a tiny endangered fish in Death Valley National Park are now in custody, officials said today.

The men, now identified as John Ya Ya, John Many Jars, and John Small Berries, are all on the ballot as Trump delegates in the California primary. They were seen on surveillance video the evening of April 30 driving around a secured gate surrounding Devils Hole, a 40-acre detached unit in Death Valley National Park. The habitat is also home to the endangered Devils Hole pupfish.

Once they entered Devils Hole, park officials said the men shot at signs, gate locks and a security system motion sensor. The men fired at least 10 rounds, according to authorities. They also left behind beer cans, vomit, and a “Make America Great Again” trucker’s cap.

During the excursion, one man jumped into the waters of Devils Hole and swam around for a while shouting “Mexicans are rapists!” and “Muslims suck!”

For some reason the man left his pink boxer shorts floating in the water. They are currently being tested for alien DNA.

RedLectroids (1)

Ya Ya, Many Jars, and Small Berries were apprehended on Hollywood Boulevard while hurling empty beer cans at pedestrians and yelling “Make America Great Again” through a loudspeaker mounted on top of their vehicle.

Park officials later found a dead pupfish in the water — one of only 115 that currently inhabit Devils Hole.

Pupfish, which grow to about an inch in length, roughly the size of Donald Trump’s dick, are the tenacious descendants of fish that inhabited an ancient lake that once covered Death Valley.

According to the National Park Service, the pupfish population fluctuates between 100 and 200 in the winter and between 300 and 500 in the summer. The latest population numbers were tallied in a survey last month, park officials said.

“A necropsy is being performed on the pupfish to determine whether the vandals’ actions may have caused the death of this member of an endangered species,” park officials said in a statement.

Investigators are examining the area and reviewing surveillance video footage of the incident.

Park officials said the men not only shot the motion sensor, but also tried to remove cables in an attempt to dismantle the security system, but failed because they were so fucking stupid.

Video footage shows the men climbing over the fence and driving away in a blue Yamaha Rhino, an off-road vehicle.

The vehicle was later pulled over and the three men were arrested while driving up Hollywood Boulevard hurling empty beer cans at pedestrians, officials said.

Officials credit the swift arrest of the men to a tip provided by an anonymous caller who claimed that Ted Cruz was sent by God to rule over America.

The three men face charges of destruction of government property, killing an endangered species by toxic urine discharge, and chronic criminal stupidity.

CIA To Hire Homeroom Teacher For Trump’s Intelligence Briefings

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teacher

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Director of the CIA John Brennan announced this morning that the agency will be hiring Gladys Ironfist, a homeroom teacher at Stonewall Jackson Grammar School in Lynchburg, Virginia, to give classified intelligence briefings to presumptive GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump after the Republican convention in July.

Under a longstanding bipartisan tradition, presidents allow their would-be successors to receive classified intelligence briefings to bring them up to speed on emerging threats around the world. The briefings usually begin immediately after the party conventions, and do not include the top-secret sources and methods.

Mr. Brennan told reporters that the agency believed that Mrs Ironfist would be able to explain the information in terms Mr. Trump could understand.

“We wanted someone who had experience in dealing with insecure, immature individuals without upsetting them or hurting their feelings,” said Brennan. “Mrs Ironfist has proven herself capable handling class clowns, brats, and self-centered little shits over a long an illustrious career.

“We believe she has the patience to deal with someone as clueless and thin-skinned as Mr. Trump, and she’ll throw cold water on any conspiracy theories he may come up with as a result of receiving information that is intended for adults.

“After all, we don’t want the crazy son of a bitch to nuke Luxembourg on his first day in office, do we?”

 

Priebus Still Unable To Locate His Testicles

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reince1

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus has still not found his testicles, according to a report released from the Associated Press this morning.

“We’ve pulled out all the stops to try find his scrotum,” said an aide on condition of anonymity. “I  mean we’ve looked everywhere. At first we thought the Democrats had stolen them, then we searched the offices of everyone in the Freedom Caucus. We even asked the FBI and CIA for help. But so far, no results.”

According to a press release from the RNC, Priebus’ testicles have been missing since last fall, when it became apparent that Donald Trump would be a real contender in the race for the Republican nomination. Without them, Priebus has been powerless to do anything to prevent the GOP from being taken over by a neo-fascist lunatic bent on destroying the Party and the country as a whole.

“It’s getting really frustrating,” said the aide. “Some of us are beginning to think the asshole had no balls to begin with.”

Priebus has vowed to continue the search as long as he is chairman, which won’t be long if things continue as they have been.

Trump To Choose Running Mate With Some Sort Of Knowledge

Posted in politics by

trumpdumb

 

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – During a phone interview on MSNBC’s Morning Joe today Donald Trump told host Joe Scarborough that he planned on choosing a running mate who had some knowledge of something.

Trump said that the potential vice president should have at least some understanding of a wide variety of subjects that he knows nothing about, such as civics, foreign affairs, domestic policy, science, and history.

“A running mate should complement the nominee and make up for any deficits he may have,” said Trump, in an attempt to sound presidential.

“I want to find someone who will be loyal to me but at the same time will be able to provide me with information about things that I’ve never thought about before, like governing.

“For example, I’d like someone who knows what a bill is and how to get it passed, what form of government we have, and the functions of the five branches of government we have in this country. I just don’t know much about that kind of stuff.

“I’m much better at acting like a lunatic and spouting crazy conspiracy theories that I read in the tabloids. That’s fine for fooling idiot Tea Party voters in the primaries, but in the general election and if I win the White House, I’m gonna need someone who can actually engage in critical thought if I’m going to get anything done.

When Scarborough asked if he had anyone in particular in mind, Trump was evasive.

“It’s too early to tell at this point. This will more than likely be a long process because we don’t know of anyone crazy enough to accept the job at this point.

“I’d love to choose a current Republican senator or representative, but they’ve proven to the entire country they have no fucking idea how to govern, so I’ve crossed them off the list.”

Family Of Killers: Father Of Zodiac Linked To Kennedy Assasination

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cruz66666

 

DALLAS – (CT&P) – Now that Rafael Cruz, father of Ted, the notorious Zodiac Killer, has been positively linked with the assassination of John F. Kennedy, it seems that the entire Cruz line is an unhinged pack of vicious killers.

Early Tuesday, Donald Trump exposed the elder Cruz’s part in the JFK conspiracy, calling him the “mastermind” behind the brutal murder of our beloved president.

Trump alleged that Rafael was with John F. Kennedy’s assassin shortly before he murdered the president, claiming that he was pictured with Lee Harvey Oswald handing out pro-Fidel Castro pamphlets in New Orleans in 1963, rock-solid proof that Cruz might as well have pulled the trigger himself.

“His father was with Lee Harvey Oswald prior to Kennedy’s being — you know, shot. I mean, the whole thing is obvious,” Trump said Tuesday during a phone interview with Fox News. “What is this, right prior to his being shot, and nobody even brings it up. They don’t even talk about that. That was reported, and nobody talks about it.

“I think that most media personalities are just too terrified of the Cruz family to bring it up. They’re scared Lyin’ Ted or his religious kook Dad might go ‘off the reservation’ and take them out with a high-powered rifle or fill them full of lead while they’re trying to get some on Lover’s Lane.”

Trump’s hypothesis was bolstered later the same day when a video of Rafael ranting and raving about God, the constitution and what he called Second Coming of Jesus Christ in the form of Ted, his only obnoxious son, was aired on Fox News.

“Anyone this unstable is perfectly capable of assassinating a president, and God knows his drunken child abuse probably led to Ted’s murder spree on the west coast during the late 60’s and early 70’s. I think it’s a disgrace that he’s allowed to do it. I think it’s a disgrace that he’s allowed to say it,” Trump said, before touting his support from Jerry Falwell Jr. and other evangelical leaders.

Trump continued, “At least the religious kooks that support me, like Jerry Falwell and Franklin Graham, have their hearts in the right place. They know how to line their pockets while preaching the gospel, unlike like that lunatic Rafael Cruz.”

Although the Cruz campaign has yet to formally respond to the charges, surrogate Glenn Beck told Fox that Trump was clearly out of his mind, because everyone knew that the Freemasons and the Illuminati were behind the assassination of JFK.

“As usual Trump is just spouting nonsense,” said Beck, who was dressed in a suit made entirely of aluminum foil.

North Koreans Fuck Up Again

Posted in international by

missilefailure2

 

SEOUL – (CT&P) North Korea failed to launch two intermediate-range ballistic missiles on Thursday, the South Korean Defense Ministry said, adding to a string of unsuccessful weapons tests in the past two weeks.

The first attempted launch of the powerful Musudan missile crashed into the sea seconds after ignition. Hours after that attempt, North Korea fired another missile of the same type but that test also failed, the ministry said.

Thursday’s attempts bring the total failures in launching the Musudan — one of the North’s most powerful missiles deployed or under development — to three in the past two weeks, according to South Korean officials.

The successive failures are a potential embarrassment for North Korea’s obese and highly unstable leader, Kim Jong-un, just days before a rare congress of his ruling Workers’ Party, the North’s biggest political meeting in decades.

Pentagon officials said that the string of failures highlighted the fact that the North Koreans are a bunch of fucking morons that couldn’t find their asses with both hands.

USAF General Buck Turgidson told CNN that the North Koreans were “a race of idiots” who have trouble understanding how to operate a wheelbarrow properly, much less a rocket.

“You just can’t expect a bunch of ignorant peons to understand a machine like some of our boys can,” said Turgidson. “I really don’t understand why everyone is so worried about those people. Sure the Musudan is a powerful missile, but the biggest threat it poses is to the assholes who try to launch it. The last one spun around like a drunken sea-gull, crashed into the viewing stands, and killed over 100 North Korean generals. I mean fuck!”

Sources within the South Korean intelligence community say that North Korea is expected to try to launch another missile tomorrow after the proper number of army officers and technicians are eaten alive by ravenous Alsatians or executed with anti-aircraft artillery.

 

Trump Accuses Cruz Of Playing Dildo Card

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cruzdildo

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – At a press conference this afternoon GOP front-runner Donald Trump accused rival Ted Cruz of playing the “dildo card” in order to boost his chances of becoming the Republican nominee.

After taking a few questions regarding his nearly incoherent foreign policy speech made earlier today, Trump went postal on senator and subhuman monster Ted Cruz.

“Lyin’ Ted is running around telling everyone he has what it takes to be president, but I’m here to tell you, he doesn’t have it where it counts. He thinks that because he’s a prick he’s gonna get the prick and asshole vote. He’s wrong.

“I call Ted Cruz Lyin’ Ted because he’s a liar, and the only thing he’s got is the dildo card. That’s all he’s got, and it is pandering. It’s a weak card in his hands. In another person’s hands it could be a powerful card. I’d love to see a dildo as president, but he’s the wrong dildo.”

“Frankly, if Ted Cruz was a real man and not dildo, I don’t think he’d get 5 percent of the vote. The only thing he’s got going is the dildo card,” he said. “And the beautiful thing is, other dildos don’t like him. Look how well I did with trouser snakes, spawn hammers, and groin ferrets last night. Why, I’ve practically cornered the market on the skin flute vote.”

“The weird thing is that as big a dick as Ted is, he has really small genitals, and I mean really small. Ted’s genitals are so small that his entire package would fit in the palm of one of my unusually small hands.

“Listen up, Vibratin’ Ted, you’re a liar and a loser. I’m in the process of crushing your tiny balls like a couple of walnuts.

“If America really wants to be great again, I advise everyone to vote for me, Donald Trump, a man equipped with a huge one-eyed wonder weasel, and if you don’t believe me just ask Melania.