Tag Archives: satire

Ted Cruz Arrested Outside Public Bathroom In Pennsylvania

Posted in politics by

zodiac

 

SCRANTON – (CT&P) – Reuters is reporting that GOP presidential candidate and subhuman bigot Ted Cruz has been arrested after terrorizing several people at a rest area in eastern Pennsylvania.

According to the report local law enforcement in Gouldsboro, a small town outside Scranton, arrested Cruz after he threatened a group of potential Trump delegates with a nine millimeter pistol.

The delegates, who are all running in Tuesday’s primary, were apparently returning from a retreat and strategy session in Mt. Pocono.

Magda Goebbels, an uncommitted delegate leaning toward Trump, told reporters that although Cruz was wearing a “ridiculous disguise,” she knew it was him because she had met him at campaign rallies and recognized the stench.

“He can wear any fucked up costume he wants, but there’s no mistaking that odious asshole,” said Goebbels.

zodiac2

Recent surveys indicate that up to 30% of Republican primary voters believe that Ted Cruz was the Zodiac Killer.

The police report stated that Cruz approached his victims on the pretense that he was a bathroom monitor and anyone entering the bathroom had to expose their genitals so he could be sure no “hanky-panky” was going on inside.

Once Cruz had individuals off to the side Goebbels and other victims reported that Cruz whispered, “I’m the Zodiac, support Ted Cruz or die.”

The effort seems to have backfired on Cruz because Trump supporters don’t seem to be easily intimidated.

“I don’t care what that cretin from Texas does, I’m with Trump,” said R.W. Scrotum, a plumber from Wilkes-Barre. “I told him to leave me alone or I’d take that pistol and shove it up his ass.”

Cruz was released on $100,000 bond. He faces charges of threatening assholes with a firearm, malicious mischief, and being a religious kook obsessed with other people’s genitals.

“It’s a damn shame,” said Goebbels while being interviewed by 11 Dead or Alive in Scranton.

“I really liked some of Ted’s ideas, but all that dildo stuff really soured me on him. No one comes between me and my vibrator.”

 

 

Mississippi To Force All Children To Be Right-Handed

Posted in politics, religion by

red devil

 

JACKSON – (CT&P) – Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant signed a bill this morning that will force all left-handed kids to begin writing with their right hands. The legislation, called the “Jesus Hates Left-Handed Children Patriotic Religious Freedom Obama Is The Antichrist Act” was introduced as part of a series of new laws designed to guarantee Mississippi’s status as the most backwards-ass state in the Union for decades to come.

The new law also requires all left-handed adults to attend one of the many Christian re-education camps being built around the state, where sinister allies of Satan will be taught to write and worship with their right hands.

Adults who refuse to change their ways will have their left hands surgically removed in hospitals in adjacent states that possess the requisite medical expertise for such a procedure.

“It’s high time we closed this loophole that has allowed evil to dwell among us,” said Governor Bryant, during a press conference attended by journalists and other residents of Mississippi that could write.

lefthand

Yes, you little servant of Satan. Jesus cries every time you write your fucking name.

“Recently we’ve made great strides towards maintaining our Third World status by denying rights to women, minorities, and the LGBT community, but we can’t afford to let our guard down. We’ve got to stay on our toes and continue to act as a sea anchor for the rest of the nation if we’re going to make the Baby Jesus happy.”

Other bills included in the package of legislation include new initiatives to condemn atheists to death by hanging, forcing liberals into labor camps being built by Hobby Lobby where they will manufacture evangelical knick-knacks, a ban on the use of electricity and indoor plumbing, and a special scholarship fund for students wishing to major in exorcism and the burning of witches.

Perhaps the most creative new law is one changing the Mississippi state motto to “The Land That Time Forgot.”

Response to the sweeping package of legislation has been mixed. The leaders of other morally and fiscally bankrupt states run by dumb ass Tea Bagging governors and legislatures have expressed their support for the new laws.

However, politicians in the rest of the United States, which pumps five fucking dollars of federal money into the Confederate black hole for every dollar that comes out, have expressed disgust.

Senator Chuck Schumer of New York summed up the attitude of the enlightened when he said “I’m all for that hell hole seceding along with Texas, Kansas and any other state whose residents want to live like a bunch of serfs. To hell with them. I step on those cock-a-roaches.”

 

 

 

 

Ted Cruz Proposes Ban On Consensual Sex Until He Gets Some Too

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Cruz-cLit-1.2-620x264

 

PHILADELPHIA – (CT&P) – “It’s just been so long since I’ve had any,” lamented Ted Cruz as he addressed a crowd of supporters at a campaign stop at Lucky Spa Massage with Happy Ending in Hershey last night.

Cruz was referring to the fact that he had not had sex with anyone but himself in many years.

“Heidi hasn’t had anything to do with my penis since we did our Christian duty and reproduced; all she wants to do is lock herself in the bathroom with that vibrator. I’m telling you, hearing the purr of a five horsepower Tecumseh engine when you’re horny as hell is pure torture!

“I’ve tried intern after intern and I can’t even get a blow job. I’m better looking than Bill Clinton aren’t I? I don’t see how he did it.

“I can’t even buy a lay. All the prostitutes I’ve tried say that I’m too dirty and smell bad, but I take a shower at least once a week like all Texans do. It’s just not fair!”

Cruz’s proposed legislation, dubbed the Abstinence Until Ted Get’s Himself Laid Act of 2016, would go into effect immediately and apply to every citizen of the United States, regardless of sexual preference.

“I don’t want to inconvenience anybody but I’m hoping this will force some bitch to step up to the plate and make a sacrifice for God and country,” said Cruz, as he gently massaged his testicles.

“I’m just sick and tired of banging all these goats, although I must admit they have lovely eyes and their horns provide excellent leverage,” said the deranged senator from Texas.

The bill calls for a complete ban on sex until Cruz enters the White House, when he can force women to have sex with him by executive order.

Congress is scheduled to take up the bill just after it votes on whether or not to launch Cruz into space along with spent fuel rods from our nation’s nuclear facilities.

 

Cruz Says Path To Nomination Still Wide Open

Posted in politics by

skulls

 

PHILADELPHIA – (CT&P) – Miscreant senator from the bowels of hell Ted Cruz was upbeat today as he campaigned in rural Pennsylvania despite the fact that he was all but eliminated from contention by Donald Trump in the New York primary last night.

The hapless Cruz came in third behind John “I’m Still Our Only Hope” Kasich in a Trump landslide victory.

Standing next to a pool of toxic waste leftover from a fracking operation near Hershey, Cruz told more than two dozen bleary eyed religious kooks that he still had a “path to victory.”

“The road may be narrow, and paved with the skulls of Republicans from all over the country, but I’m sure you agree with me that once I’m in the White House, it’ll all be worth it,” said Cruz, who then paused and looked around the audience like a monitor lizard seeking his next meal.

“Once we crush the dream of health care for the poor, equality for women and minorities, stop the wholesale persecution and murder of Christians in America, and most importantly make this country a theocracy like the founders intended, we can get on to more serious issues, like banning the sale and use of sexual aids in the United States.

“I look forward to eliminating unconstitutional entities like the Supreme Court, NASA, the National Institute for Health, the CDC, the Departments of the Interior, Education, Agriculture, Transportation, and Energy, along with any agency that threatens the mandatory worship of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

“I alone have been chosen by God to lead this country into a primeval fever swamp of ignorance and hate, and I’m uniquely qualified to do it,” concluded Cruz.

The “crowd” applauded the speech halfheartedly and dispersed but not before one member suggested that Cruz go ahead and commit suicide so we could all get on with “making America great again.”

Cruz Proposes Nationwide Ban On Sale Of Dildos

Posted in politics, religion by

cruz6666

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Earlier today during a phone interview on CNBC’s “Squawk Box,” presidential candidate and sexually frustrated deviant Ted Cruz proposed legislation that would institute a nationwide ban on the sale of dildos, vibrators, and any other sex toys designed to entertain or satisfy women.

The legislation, dubbed the “Compensating for a Small Penis Patriotic Religious Freedom Act,” would make the sale of sexual aids illegal in the United States. Anyone attempting to purchase such articles would be faced with “stiff” fines and jail time.

“The Bible says that sex should be restricted to married couples who wish to produce offspring according to God’s plan,” said Cruz.

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Cruz is not exactly considered an expert on sexual matters because of his ignorance of the female anatomy. Here he asks senate colleagues to help him differentiate between a woman’s anus and her clitoris.

“A dildo or vibrator inevitably becomes a third party in any relationship, and it’s no different from bigamy, which was outlawed when God changed his mind about all that ‘multiple wives stuff’ and wrote the New Testament.”

Co-host Joe Kernen asked Cruz if he had been smoking something before the interview and implied that he believed that he had clearly lost his fucking mind.

“I’ve long believed that a woman’s place is in the bed or in the kitchen, and because she is the ‘weaker vessel,’ she should always follow her husband’s instructions and do her best to please him, no matter what his perversions may be,” said Cruz.

“God made woman as a helpmate, not an equal, and if a man’s dick is too small to get the job done, then his wife just has to live with it.”

Kelly Evans, co-anchor of “Closing Bell” who happened to be present during the call, abruptly ended the interview by hanging up on Cruz saying that the candidate was a “Neanderthal religious kook who doesn’t stand a chance in hell of ever becoming president, and thank God for that.”

Heidi Cruz, long-suffering wife of the lunatic senator from Texas, issued a press release shortly after the interview that stated that she and Ted would be having a long talk this evening after his appearance in Rochester.

 

Hundreds Injured After Fun-Loving Aliens Punk Evangelicals In Alabama

Posted in religion by

Rapture+Floaters

 

BIRMINGHAM – (CT&P) – Dozens have been hospitalized and many more injured after a couple of alien observers pulled a prank on the members of Our Lady of the Poorly Educated Primitive Baptist Church located in Draconian, Alabama.

According to an article in Imaginary Friends magazine the two aliens, John Small Berries and John Yaya, Red Lectroids from Planet 10 by way of the 8th Dimension, admitted to violating the Prime Directive by using a tractor beam to lift members of the congregation into the air and then allowing them to plummet back to earth. The simulated Rapture took place as churchgoers were gathering in the parking lot to participate in the weekly Wednesday night snake-handling ritual.

Small Berries and Yaya said that they could just not resist fucking with the members of the church any longer.

“We’ve been observing these idiots for years, and let me tell you, a dumber group of imbeciles would be hard to find in the known universe,” said Small Berries.

“I mean these folks actually believe they’re gonna be levitated to heaven at some point so as to avoid the wrath of some zombie savior when he comes back. It’s ridiculous. The closest I’ve seen to this kind of idiocy is the Lizard People of Zoltan. They think a giant alligator will visit the planet with amazing gifts and make their lives wonderful for ever and ever. It’s like some sort of reptilian cargo cult.”

John Yaya agreed, saying “When you’re dealing with lower life forms who think some incestuous farmer built an ark for the dinosaurs I say that all bets are off. I know we shouldn’t have interfered, and we really didn’t mean to hurt anyone, but we just got carried away. We only wanted to pound some sense into these misguided souls.”

All of the victims of the prank are expected to survive the ordeal, but many say they are scarred for life.

Helga Rodentwat of nearby Naive, Alabama told a local reporter that she really thought Jesus was lifting her up to the heavens to receive her reward for remaining a virgin all her life.

“Now I know it was all in vain,” she said. “I could’ve been out there raising hell and bumpin’ uglies all this time. Now I’m 83 and it’s gonna be hard to find a ‘date’ this late in the game. Shit!”

This makes the third time in as many years that Our Lady of the Poorly Educated has been in the news.

In 2014 the church was rocked by scandal when it was discovered the youth minister was running a child prostitution ring featuring a rare breed of miniature goats, and last fall three members of the church died of rattlesnake bites on the church grounds when no one was able to phone for an ambulance because everyone was speaking in tongues.

 

 

 

 

 

The church, located near Sand Mountain, has a congregation of over three hundred souls.

 

 

Cheeseheads Choose Cheesedick

Posted in politics by

ted_cruz6

 

MADISON – (CT&P) -Senator, cheesedick, and all around despicable human being Ted Cruz romped to victory Tuesday in the Wisconsin primary, dealing a setback to fellow miscreant Donald Trump and complicating the front-runner’s efforts to win the delegates he needs to secure the GOP nomination without a fight at this summer’s Republican convention.

The primary contest offered just 42 of the 1,237 delegates needed to clinch the nomination before the party convenes in July.

But with the count expected to be very close, every delegate has come to matter and Tuesday’s win helped Cruz slice Trump’s delegate lead, albeit narrowly.

Speaking to cheering supporters in Milwaukee, Cruz declared his primary win a turning point.

“It is a rallying cry,” the Texas senator said. “It is a call from the hard-working men and women from Wisconsin to the people of America. We have a choice. We have a real choice.”

For one of the few times in his life, Senator Cruz was correct.

Republicans can choose between a giant bipedal orange dick and a subhuman monster that should have been ripped from his mother’s womb during the first trimester of pregnancy.

Exit polls in Wisconsin indicated that Wisconsin Republicans were not so much voting for Cruz but voting against Armageddon at the hands of a 12-year-old egomaniac from the bowels of Hell.

When asked what they thought of Ted Cruz as a human being, 38% of Cruz voters said that he was an “extremely dangerous religious kook who wants to institute Christian sharia in America,” while 27% said that he was an “odious cretin hatched from an egg in a former Eastern Bloc bio-weapons lab.”

18% of respondents said that they were convinced that Cruz was in fact the Zodiac Killer, 12% said he was the Antichrist, while 5% said that they had no clue what the fuck Cruz was, but he was better than Donald Trump.

100% of those polled said that they had no desire to vote for Cruz, but because the Republican party was so fucked up they felt they had no choice.

Cruz campaign manager Herbert Mephistopheles told CNN that he hopes the Wisconsin victory will propel the senator into the convention in July with enough delegates to wreak all kinds of havoc and wreck the Republican Party for generations to come.

 

Weather Channel Warns Viewers In Southeast ‘Move To Underground Shelters Now If You Want To Live’

Posted in weather by

weatherchannel

 

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – Weather Channel anchor Buford G. Alarmist told viewers in the southeast this morning that if they wanted to survive the next 48 hours they should immediately move to basements, civil defense shelters, or caves in their area and stay there for the duration of Spring Deathstorm Armageddon.

“Armageddon has the potential to completely wipe out the old Confederacy,” said Alarmist. “The few parts of the south that have survived President Obama’s scorched earth policies could very well be destroyed in the next two days.

“I advise anyone who does not have a basement or crawlspace to call in sick to work and start digging a slit trench immediately. Be sure to stock it with canned goods and rice. If you manage to survive this week, you can use it to hunker down during the upcoming Clinton presidency. It may be your only hope.”

According to teary-eyed co-anchor Molly Mulebutt Deathstorm Armageddon, the first spring storm of the season, may be last one the Weather Channel is able to report on because more than likely we’ll all be dead by the time the next one hits.

 

Recently Deceased Trump Supporters Fail To Convince Jesus

Posted in religion by

jesus7

 

PEARLY GATES – (CT&P) – A delegation of newly dead Trump supporters arrived at the Pearly Gates this morning only to have their credentials for admittance flatly rejected by Saint Peter and a small group of angels who were outside the walls smoking at the time.

The group consisted mostly of poorly educated, xenophobic racists from the old Confederacy who were die-hard Trump supporters from day one.

They made impassioned pleas that economic hardship brought on by a conspiracy of illegal immigrants, lazy blacks, establishment Republicans, the Chinese, mysterious Jews who controlled the liberal media, and above all Megyn Kelly, whom they consider the leader of the cabal, justified their support of a fascist candidate.

However, Saint Peter remained unmoved.

“I can’t recall Our Lord and Savior mentioning anything about immigrants or trade policy in the New Testament, except of course his admonition to ‘love thy neighbor as thyself,’ which right-wing Christians seem to ignore with increasing frequency these days,” said Peter to a group of Brietbart reporters who were loitering outside the gates while in route to the Lake of Fire.

“These idiots think they can have it both ways; go to the rally and spew hatred on Saturday and then run to church on Sunday and talk about Jesus for an hour, and everything is just hunky-dory. Well, I’m here to tell you it doesn’t work that way.”

As usual, the group of miscreants would not take an expert’s word on the subject and refused to leave until they spoke directly to the ‘Strongman.’

Eventually Jesus did put in an appearance and without hesitation told the group to go to Hell, which they promptly did.

 

Bentley Elected President Of Prestigious Governors Association

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robert-bentleyjpg-0a42bc2009f48944

 

MONTGOMERY – (CT&P) – Alabama Governor Robert Bentley has been elected president of the prestigious Horny Republican Governors Association, edging out former governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford in what pundits have called a ‘nip and tuck’ race between two swollen and distended southern politicians.

Sanford had long been considered the favorite to win the position because of his creativity and yarn-spinning abilities, and he held double-digit leads in the polls for most of the race.

However, Bentley made a big comeback towards the end of the contest and won the election going away in large part because voters were so impressed with his prowess, performance, and doggedness when faced with situations that would make most men his age run for the prescription bottle.

“Bentley is one of the horniest motherfuckers I’ve ever seen,” said Milton Schlongstein of the Birmingham News. “I think it was that sex tape that really gave him the inside track and lubed his way to victory.

“That old coot may look like a funeral director, but let me tell ya, he can bang away all night long in every imaginable position. He’s a real stud.”

Bentley told journalists that he’s honored to be taking over the reins of the organization and looked forward to helping it grow in length and girth.

“I think I can engorge the HRGA with new blood and significant cash donations from our allies in the business world,” said Bentley at a press conference outside the Fuck Hut Motor Lodge in Opelika.

The HRGA was originally created to give political cover for Tea Baggers who run as ‘family values’ candidates but who in reality will fuck anything with a pulse.

However, over the years the group has become a multi-faceted organization that has done a great deal to help out embattled right wing politicians by paying legal fees stemming from sexual harassment lawsuits, delivering bags of cash to pay off blackmailing bitches and the parents of adolescents, and finding lawyers willing to defend state officials brought up on bestiality charges.

Governor Bentley is slated to take over as president just as soon as the people of Alabama throw him out on his shriveled white hypocritical ass sometime this spring.