Tag Archives: scorpions

BREAKING NEWS: Rogue Scorpion Attempts To Undermine Fragile Truce With Powerful Car Bomb

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – A rogue scorpion believed to be a member of the splinter group “Pincer Power” has detonated a car bomb just outside the city limits of Ducktown (A Quacking Good Place) Tennessee this afternoon in what officials are claiming is an effort to undermine the fragile truce between opposing factions at the Cabin Anthrax.

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“As far as I know this is the first terrorist attack anywhere even close to here,” said Ducktown mayor Dr. Ludwig Van Drake

The bomb went off as Jerry Dickerson (owner and proprietor of Cabin Anthrax) was returning from a journey to his friendly Ducktown Piggly Wiggly store. No casualties have as yet been reported, but Dickerson was said to be shaken by the incident.

“I just was not prepared for such a savage attack within the confines of my own vehicle,” Dickerson told CT&P reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker. “I normally wear tennis shoes or my stylish Merrill water footwear for these trips, but today I was clad in sandals. It gave the little bastard all the bare flesh he could want as a target.”

The identity of the scorpion is clouded in mystery but officials from the Arthropod Authority believe him to be a radical performance artist known only as “Notorious Stinga.”

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Dickerson told reporters that he is considering putting in a request for surplus protective gear from the Pentagon

“Stinga” is well known around Murphy for his anarchist ballads and subversive lyrics. He is backed by three scorpion teenagers that form a thuggish percussion section that drum out an inhuman low frequency beat using their 18 legs.

“He is leading our youth astray with this ‘Stinga’ rap,” said a spokesman for the Authority. “Stinga has no respect for his elders and treats the females of our species like they were mere insects. No good can come of this violent low crawl music!”

The bomb went off on the top Dickerson’s highly attractive right foot, causing him to swerve into oncoming traffic and precipitating a torrent of foul language. However, being used to bites, pinches, and stings from a variety of house guests, Dickerson was able to regain control of the massive environmental nightmare he calls an SUV just in the nick time.

“I’m really sick to death of these zealots trying to ruin a beautiful relationship,” said Dickerson. “I think we just need to try harder so we can ‘all just get along.'”

The spokesman for the Arthropod Authority agreed, telling reporters that “Stinga” is now a wanted bug and is on the no-ride list.

 

 

Scorpions Break Ceasefire By Stinging Dickerson Squarely In The Ass

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – The tranquil atmosphere of Cabin Anthrax was broken early this morning when a scorpion, believed to be a member of the radical splinter group SAMAS (Scorpions Against Mankind and Other Shit) conducted a vicious attack on Dickerson’s ass.

Dickerson, who was sleeping peacefully at the time of the attack, told Times-Picayune reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that “I was just settling down into a nice dream involving mushrooms and skinny dipping when out of the blue it feels like a knitting needle was shoved into my right cheek.”

The perpetrator, who has now been identified as Felix “The Stinger” Carolinianus, apparently gained access to Dickerson’s sofa through a hole in the screened deck and made his way through multiple layers of defenses consisting of  trenches of adipose tissue and fearful rows of abatis constructed with excess body hair.

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Dickerson told “The Coyote” that although the attack came as quite a shock, things could always be worse. “At least I don’t have a family of bulls living in the cabin.

“The little motherfucker stung the hell out of me causing me to jump like a fucking kangaroo and break my fucking little toe on the fucking coffee table,” said Dickerson.

Although the unprovoked assault precipitated a 3 A.M seminar in the advanced use of foul language, the attack apparently does not threaten the long-term peace agreement signed last month between Dickerson and Marvin V. Carolinianus, leader of the scorpion tribe that lives inside the Cabin Anthrax.

“I want to stress to the public that Felix was a “bad apple” and acted entirely alone,” said Marvin, Felix’s uncle. “He became disillusioned a while back when his girlfriend left him and he dropped out of school. We’ve had our eye on him ever since he joined SAMAS. I guarantee that the little shit will be deported immediately.”

Dickerson told Becker that although the entire episode was unnerving and he never did get to “consummate” his dream sequence, “I guess anyone is allowed one mistake. I really love those little arthropods and I want to try to make this truce last.”

“I sincerely hope that we can work toward a lasting peace that will be beneficial to both parties. I just pray that in the future there will be no more attempts to sting me in the ass. I have what I consider to be a cute little scruffy butt, and I want to keep it that way.”

 

 

 

Dickerson Signs Non-Aggression Pact With Scorpions

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At a press conference held Friday at Billy Bob McSneed’s Barbecue and Assault Weapon Repair in Ducktown, TN., Marvin V. Carolinianus, patriarch of the ruling tribe of scorpions in the area, announced a groundbreaking treaty signed with the owner of Cabin Anthrax, Jerry Dickerson.

The treaty is believed to be the first of its kind signed between a member of Homo sapiens and a family of predatory arthropods.

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Our regular readers may remember Dickerson as the founder of the philosophy of “masterly inactivity” made famous by its adoption by the Republican House in 2009. He was not enthusiastic about our 9 AM interview. “I told you fucktards not to show up until after lunch. No one should be made to wake up until after the postman makes his rounds, you idiots!” said Dickerson

Although details have yet to be published, Dickerson outlined the basics for our ace reporter, Bruce “The Coyote” Becker.

“Well, Bruce, after a long and exhausting guerrilla war I think both sides were ready for a truce. The agreement calls for a halt to the hit-and-run tactics practiced by the scorpions that interfered with my nocturnal trips to the bathroom and the cabinet in the kitchen where I store the fig newtons,” said Dickerson. “For weeks I never knew when one of those little dudes would rush out from under the oven and sting the shit out of one of my petite and attractive feet.”

“In return, I have promised to allow the little guys free rein to run around the cabin and eat all the spiders, centipedes, and insects that their little hearts desire. But more importantly, I agreed to stop deporting the illegal young scorpions back across the border into the woods around the house. After Marvin told me about the dangerous conditions in the woods and the abject poverty faced by the young scorpions, how could I object?”

Bruce also interviewed Marvin after sunset from the safety of a dark broom closet.

“We think we have negotiated a great deal here,” said Marvin. “Just because we are a different species you egotistical humans should never underrate our ability to haggle. Late one night one of our scout teams climbed one of Dickerson’s bookshelves and were able to determine from his library and his DVD collection that Dickerson was not only an atheist, but a dyed-in-the-wool bleeding heart liberal.”

“We successfully used that bit of intelligence to feed him some cock-and-bull story about how tough it was for us out in the wild. It had the desired effect of making him feel sorry for our young out there in the ‘real world.’ So now not only have the deportations stopped, but we get to run around murdering and devouring helpless insects and those sub-arthropod arachnids! It’s a win-win for us.”

Other arthropod activist groups have shown keen interest in signing their own treaties with humans. Francis “Segmented” Smith, leader of a tribe of assassin bugs, told the A.P. that they are currently negotiating with the Turtletown Gardeners Club.

Bobby Joe “Bulbous” Baxter, president of the Sunburst Diving Beetle Benevolent Association represents a species of strong-swimming Dytiscid beetles that prey on a variety of aquatic animals by tearing them to shreds with their powerful mandibles. “We feel that we are misunderstood by most humans,” said Baxter. “We’d really like to educate people about life in the water and just how tough it is. We’re confident we can come to a mutually beneficial agreement at some point down the line.”