Tag Archives: Sean Hannity

Hannity Reveals Miserable Childhood Of Abuse And Torture At Hands Of Sadistic Father

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SANTA ROSA BEACH, UPPER CRETONIA (CT&P) – Last Wednesday Fox News host Sean Hannity revealed to a stunned audience that he had a Kafkaesque childhood filled with physical abuse, torture, and intimidation at the hands of a cruel and sadistic father.

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Hannity’s guests were taken aback as the unhinged host repeatedly beat his desk while screaming “Take that, you little bastard! Next time you better pick up your dirty socks and put them in the washing machine!”

The subject came up as a result of Hannity’s position regarding NFL running back Adrian Peterson’s recent suspension by the Minnesota Vikings for injuring his child with a tree branch. Hannity made a very animated case for Peterson avoiding jail time, stating “every parent has a right under the U.S. Constitution to beat the shit out of their kids anytime they damn well please!”

Peterson is also suspected of injuring a second child.

Hannity’s outburst came during an “NFL Under Fire” roundtable featuring three panelists: Psychotherapist Dr. Robi Ludwig, Fox News legal analyst Mercedes Colwin and Daily National sports editor Mike Bako.

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Hannity’s dad Ivan often water-boarded Sean and Sybil as punishment for wetting the bed

Hannity, 52, described how his father dished out corporal punishment while he was a youngster on Long Island. He casually unbuckled his belt, folded it in half and wrapped it around his right hand.

“I got it like this,” said Hannity as he hit the leather strap against the news desk. Hannity whacked his belt across the desk three times. Spittle flew from Hannity’s mouth and his eye began twitching as he continued the demonstration.  “And I deserved it. I was a troubled kid.”

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Hannity’s dad perfected his techniques by practicing on prostitutes he lured into the home on weekends

“I got hit with a strap, ‘bam, bam, bam,’ … by my father,” Hannity explained as he opened the next segment. “I would tell you that I deserved it, and I’ve never been to a shrink because of it!”

Hannity went on to explain that his father had a wide variety of punishments he meted out for even the smallest infractions.

“My father punched me right in the face when I talked back to him, and I deserved it,” said Hannity, and when I failed to mow the yard properly Dad would stake me out in the backyard naked and let ants crawl over me in the hot sun, and man did I ever deserve it!”

Hannity’s father, Ivan “The Terrible” Hannity, was a great believer in corporal punishment and had a life-long obsession with techniques and devices perfected by the Marquis de Sade and representatives of the Catholic Church during the Inquisition.

“Dad started out with thumbscrews when my sister and I were infants, and worked his way up to the rack and the Judas chair as we grew older,” said Hannity. “His favorite was the Brazen Bull he had hidden in the barn out behind the house, but he only put us in there when we had done something really horrible, like forgetting to let the dog out to urinate.”

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Hannity’s sister Sybil currently lives in the Trenton Home For The Criminally Insane in Trenton, New Jersey. Sean visits her every Sunday so that they can pray together and ask God for forgiveness for being such horrible children

“I can tell you unequivocally that my sister and I richly deserved all the physical and psychological scars that we now carry as adults, and you better believe that our own kids are treated just like we were. I want my kids to grow up as well-adjusted and sexually secure adults just like me and Sybil.”

Hannity’s sister Sybil currently resides in the Trenton Home For The Criminally Insane in New Jersey.

In an interview with Psychology Today the day after the show, Dr. Ludwig said that Hannity’s hideous childhood probably accounts for his extreme insecurity and inability to listen to opposing points of view.

“Hannity exhibits all the hallmarks of an abused child and ‘battered person syndrome,'” said Ludwig. “He believes that he is infallible no matter how ridiculous his positions are, and is just psychologically unable to experience feelings that normal people take for granted, such as empathy and compassion. Boy, has he found a home with Fox News. I’d say it’s the only reason he has not ended up in prison or in an institution like his poor sister Sybil.”

Meanwhile, the branch-wielding Peterson remains suspended until his case is heard in court and is not expected to be a part of the Minnesota Viking’s future. He is reportedly interviewing for a position as a child-rearing expert guest for Fox.

Obama Responds To Syrian Objections Over Airstrikes: “Fuck You Bashar!”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – Responding to Syrian objections over the Administration’s plans to fly combat missions against ISIS in Syrian territory, President Obama told journalists at the White House that as far as he was concerned, Bashar Assad could “Fuck off and die.”

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The President scoffed at Assad’s promises to turn the U.S. Air Force into a heap of smoking wreckage in the “Mother of All Air Battles”

In a speech to the nation last night, Mr. Obama said the United States was recruiting a global coalition to “degrade and ultimately destroy” the militants, known as the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria. He warned that “eradicating a cancer” like ISIS was a long-term challenge that would put some American troops at risk.

“We will hunt down terrorists who threaten our country, wherever they are,” Mr. Obama declared in a 14-minute address. “That means I will not hesitate to take action against ISIL in Syria, as well as Iraq,” he added, using an alternative name for ISIS. “This is a core principle of my presidency: If you threaten America, you will find no safe haven.”

Mr. Obama specifically stated that he would not place U.S. “boots on the ground” in Iraq or Syria, which most intelligent pundits interpreted as meaning that we will have no large ground units in the Middle East like we did in the recent Iraq and Afghanistan wars, but did not preclude the use of special forces units and forward air observers.

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Mr. Obama has been practicing his “full moon maniacal dictator look” in the mirror in case he needs it as the war with ISIS heats up

Although Mr. Obama has received political support from both parties on his policy statement, some pundits on the far right, particularly those who depend on Fox News for their income, have criticized the President for not going far enough. In addition, several members of the wing nut radio talk show crowd, along with former members of the Bush Administration, continue to blame Obama for the whole situation.

“The Bush Administration and its cheerleaders caused this clusterfuck by invading Iraq in the first place,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “Anyone who listens to Dick Cheney, Rush Limbaugh, or Sean Hannity on this subject needs his head examined anyway. They’re best bet is to shut the fuck up, that way they won’t sound so ignorant.”

Donald Trump Wins ‘Giant Bipedal Hemorrhoid’ Award For Third Year In A Row

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SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Donald Trump has won the coveted ‘Giant Bipedal Hemorrhoid’ Award for the third year running, according to a spokesman for the billionaire Pirhana Brothers, the libertarian captains of industry who sponsor the yearly award. The award is usually given to the conservative politician or pundit who makes the most outrageous and offensive comment to the press.

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Doug and Dinsdale Pirhana are well-known libertarian industrialists from America’s heartland who fund politicians and causes that benefit our country’s most wealthy citizens

Having won the award in recent years for his idiotic comments concerning President Obama’s birth certificate and his illegitimacy as president, Trump went into this year’s race confident of his chances. However, he was given a run for his money by several seasoned morons renowned for their ability to spew remarks charged with racial hatred, xenophobia, sexual insecurity, and religious quackery.

As the deadline for contest entries approached last week, Trump was in a dead heat with such luminaries of ignorance as Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Fox News personalities Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly.

However, Donald used his “trump” card masterfully at the last moment when he tweeted “Ebola patient will be brought to the U.S. in a few days—now I know for sure that our leaders are incompetent. KEEP THEM OUT OF HERE!”

The statement catapulted Trump into the lead, and he followed it up with a devastating tweet the following day: “Stop the EBOLA patients from entering the U.S. Treat them, at the highest level, over there. THE UNITED STATES HAS ENOUGH PROBLEMS!”

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In this photograph from the late 60’s, Doug and Dinsdale can be seen just prior to throwing a turkey leg into a group of workers they just laid-off and releasing a Bengal tiger into their midst

The spokesman for the Pirhanas told the A.P. that after those two tweets,  “Doug and Dinsdale were so impressed with Trump’s complete lack of compassion and empathy that there was no question who the winner was going to be. Although it has been a long spring filled with racial hatred and xenophobia on the right, particularly as regards those kids at the border, Trump was the hands-down winner again this year.”

The spokesman went on to say that Trump’s performance has been so superb this year that he could be in the running for a number of other Pirhana awards, such as the Huge White Penis Head Trophy for the most racially insensitive statement, the Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill the Poor Award for the most degrading comment concerning the nation’s homeless, the Ken Ham Memorial Huckster award for the most ludicrous statement in pseudo-science, and the Lifetime Achievement Award for Religious Hypocrisy, given for the most mean-spirited statements made during a career by a quasi Christian leader while evoking the name of Jesus of Nazareth.

Trump was his usual modest self as he accepted the sought-after prize. “I’d like to thank Doug and Dinsdale for this great honor and congratulate them on the wisdom and intelligence they have exhibited by selecting me as the winner. I am obviously one of the most obnoxious and idiotic hemorrhoids to ever walk the planet.”

 

 

 

 

 

Research Reveals An Alarmingly High Rate Of Illiteracy Within The Tea Party

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misspelled-tea-party-signTHE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) -New research conducted by the Center for Sanity in Politics has revealed that over 40% of Tea Party members are functionally illiterate and a significant percentage of the rest of party exhibit the reading comprehension skills of third graders. The inability of many of the right-wing political organization’s activists to manufacture even the most simple signage was once thought to be an aberration resulting in a humorous display of “Teabonics.” But tragically it now seems to be representative of the group as a whole.

05_Flatbed_WEB - MARCH“What we found was truly shocking,” said Dr. Frank Black, director of research at CSP. “However, with the advantage of hindsight I suppose we really should have expected these results.”

misspelled9“After all, the Tea Party appeals to the basest of mankind’s instincts. You can’t expect a political party based on a Frankenstein’s monster  stitched-together from debunked economic theories, irrational xenophobia, racial hatred, and medieval religious superstition to be overflowing with intellectuals. The party is little more than a small army of dullards brimming with rage against change and enlightened policy of any sort. They basically run around the countryside terrified of fire and science and blame anything they perceive as a problem on our current president, no matter how ridiculous those assertions might be.”

“Most Tea Partiers show a disturbing lack of knowledge of basic civics and their grasp of history appears to come out of some comic book published by Bill O’Reilly or Sean Hannity,” said Dr. Black. “Propaganda outlets such as Fox News and right-wing radio hosts only serve to further fan the flames of ignorance and hatred among these folks.”

misspell4Similar and even more shocking results were found when researchers investigated the Christian Right.

misspell77misspelled8A recent YouGov poll has found that over sixty percent of self-proclaimed conservative Christians are unable to comprehend what they read. The poll was conducted July 1-2 among 1,000 U.S. adults using a sample selected from YouGov’s opt-in online panel to match the demographics and other characteristics of the adult U.S. population. The poll asked “what would Jesus do?” on a wide range of political issues such as health care, gun control, climate change, and taxes.

misspelled11Only 23 percent of Republicans believe Jesus would support healthcare for all.

“I was sick and you looked after me….I tell you the truth, whatever you do the least of my brothers, you also do for me,” Jesus said.

misspelled15“Whatever,” say the Christian Right.

The Bible makes it clear Jesus was a Marxist before Marxism had a name. He distrusted the rich. “It’s easier for a camel to walk through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter Heaven,” forewarned Jesus. The credo of the Beatitudes demonstrated Jesus saw the world in terms of class struggle. “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are the meek, for they shall possess the earth.”

misspelled1But only 18 percent of Republicans believe Jesus would support higher taxes on the rich; taxes that benefit the funding of the common good – schools, hospitals, and safety nets for those the capitalist machine leaves downtrodden.

It seems the decline of the mainstream church has apparently allowed the Christian Right to misuse the Gospel to champion unfettered capitalism. For Republicans, “prosperity theology” has replaced the Beatitudes. In this Ayn Randian philosophy, God rewards the faithful with material wealth.

misspelled14On guns, 68 percent of Democrats believe Jesus would support stricter gun laws, whereas only 28 percent of Republicans think likewise.  Swords of the first century were the guns of today. “Put your sword back into its place. For all who take the sword will perish by the sword,” said Jesus. (Matthew 26:52)

On other issues, 9 percent of Republicans said Jesus would support gay marriage, and 6 percent of Republicans said he would support legalized abortion. Forty-three percent said he would support the death penalty for murderers.

misspelled16“The response of right-wing ‘Christians,’ the Tea Party and Republicans in general to the recent influx of kids fleeing abject poverty and violence in their home countries illustrates as nothing else could the hypocrisy inherent in a political movement that lacks the very compassion it is supposedly based upon,” said Dr. Black. ”

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Tea Partiers and those on the Christian Right might do well to take some of their own advice to heart

“Consider Matthew 25:31-46 where Jesus said, ‘For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ What is it about that statement that these cretins do not understand?”

“What is truly alarming about all this is that the Christian Right seems unable to comprehend, or a shows a blatant willingness to ignore, the very book that they base their religion upon,” said Dr. Black. “It is even more alarming that these people believe that our country was founded on these principles and all Americans should be ruled by them. We should all keep a close watch on this vocal minority of ill-informed and uneducated creatures, for the good of the country and ourselves, lest we one day wake up in some sort of dystopian theocratic oligarchy.”

 

FAA Bans Flights Into Houston After Open Carry Texas Takes Delivery On Russian Buk Missile System

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After passing through customs in New Orleans, the few members of the organization who had valid licenses took turns driving the vehicle to the Texas Gulf Coast where it was test fired

 

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – The FAA has banned all flights into and out of Houston’s Hobby and Bush Intercontinental Airports, citing the presence of dangerous Russian-made anti-aircraft missile batteries in the general area.

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The president of Open Carry Texas, C. J. “Small Schlong” Grisham, (seen here relaxing in his bunker) told Fox News that the new missile system would not be used until the outbreak of the inevitable race war in America, or if it became apparent that refugee kids were catching flights into the U.S. via Mexico City.

The airspace in Houston extending out up to 100 miles was closed yesterday after authorities were informed that the pro 2nd Amendment group “Open Carry Texas,” better known to the rest of the country as “A Confederacy of Dunces,” had acquired a Russian army surplus Buk missile system and it had been driven to the nearby Gulf Coast for “testing and training.”

“We’ve all seen what one of these missile systems can do when in the hands of a bunch of drunken Russian rednecks,” said a spokesman for the FAA. “We see no reason to believe that the outcome would be any different when the system is manned by a bunch of our very own drunken rednecks. We decided to err on the side of caution, and we apologize for any inconvenience to air travelers,” said the spokesman.

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A crack team of professionals from Open Carry are testing and training on the new air-defense system

During an appearance on the Sean Hannity Show, the president of Open Carry Texas, C.J. “Small Schlong” Grisham protested that Open Carry Texas was a peaceful organization dedicated to the “exercise and protection of our 2nd Amendment rights, rights that are in danger of being revoked by the Obama administration and the worldwide conspiracy to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids through the heinous use of flouride in our nation’s water supply.”

“It’s only a matter of time before we see foreigners in blue helmets marching up Pennsylvania Avenue,” said Grisham, as he chugged a glass of refreshing rainwater and pure grain alcohol.

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The team of simpletons from Open Carry conducted tests of the system on a public beach packed with vacationing families

Testing of the new system went ahead without the benefit of a team of Russian instructors sent by the Putin administration. The Russian advisers, who had the formidable task of training a bunch of borderline imbeciles to operate an advanced air-defense system, were detained after trashing a bar at the Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport.

The Russian team apparently got out of control after imbibing an entire case of Don Cossack Vodka.

“Them Russkies sure know how to party!” said Daisy Airhead, a barmaid at the Drunken Bull Cattle Company on the international concourse. “They was taking off their shirts and doing some kinda crazy dance on top of the bar and all the tables. They was jumpin’ up and down like Messican jumpin’ beans! One of them promised to marry me after they get out of jail. I can’t wait!”

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Minuteman founder Jim “Shrunken Sack” Gilchrist is a strong supporter of the patriots at Open Carry and has offered his support for more arms acquisitions

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Rosie “Hepatitis C” Gilchrist, Jim’s sister, is engaged to be married to Open Carry’s Grisham

After an arduous journey from New Orleans, the launcher was set up on a beach near Galveston Island and the completely ignorant and untrained personnel from Open Carry launched a few missiles “just for fun.”

The first missile took out a flight of endangered pelicans in route to nesting grounds further up the coast. Grisham justified the murder of the birds to Sean Hannity by saying, “Those pelicans were in fact cartel drug mules transporting heroin across the border in the pouches attached to their lower mandibles.”

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Activities at the much-anticipated convention in Dallas will include mock lynchings and a gala barbecue and horseshoe contest on the “Grassy Knoll”

The gullible Hannity accepted the explanation but required clarification as to exactly what a “mandible” was.

The second missile loosed by the team of schmucks zoomed over the Gulf in an erratic flight that ended with a detonation over a British Petroleum oil platform, which was set ablaze.

A third missile misfired at first but then careened wildly down the beach taking out several vacationing families before exploding in a barbecue and salt-water taffy stand, causing massive loss of life.

The crack missile team lost one member when he was incinerated while urinating behind the vehicle during the launch sequence.

Although initial testing of their new toy has not turned out exactly as planned, Open Carry Texas hopes that the vehicle will be fully operational for this fall’s Conspiracy Theory Convention held annually at the Dallas Book Depository.

“We really look forward to displaying our extreme sexual insecurity and paranoid delusions at the upcoming national conference in Dallas,” said Grisham. We really want to show the rest of the country what patriotism and love of God and country is all about.”

When asked about the situation in Houston, NRA president Wayne LaPierre only shook his head, rolled his eyes, and slowly walked away from reporters while staring at the ground.

 

 

 

 

 

Freeloading Tortoise Slayer Cliven Bundy Waxes Nostalgic About “Good ‘Ole Days” Of The Confederacy

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CARSON CITY (CT&P) – Sociologist, constitutional law scholar, and talented orator Cliven Bundy addressed loyal followers across the nation and fawning fans at Fox News yesterday in a rambling, bigoted, and mostly incoherent press conference held just within the border of his newly established nation, “Bunkerville.”

During the speech, Bundy said he remembered driving past a public-housing project in North Las Vegas, which he called a “government house” with “always at least a half a dozen people sitting on the porch” with nothing to do. Bundy went on to say that “them Negras abort their young children, they put their young men in jail, because they never learned how to pick cotton.” Bundy also mused, “I’ve often wondered,are they better off as slaves, picking cotton and having a family life and doing things, or are they better off under government subsidy? They didn’t get no more freedom. They got less freedom.”

The intellectual powerhouse Bundy apparently thinks that there is some kind of loophole in the law that allows “young children” to be retroactively aborted and that young black men are placed in prison by their own families, and all this sorrow could be averted with a little agricultural training.”

“All of you good folks know how much I value freedom and liberty, as long as it’s white trash ranchers who are on the receiving end of it. It’s a shame that the government don’t understand that Messicans and Negras just don’t possess the intelligence to be responsible Americans like us.”

Mr. Bundy went on to express his sadness that the “good ‘ole days” of segregation, the Spanish Inquisition, the Black Death, and Salvadorian death right-wing death squads ever had to come to an end.

The speech was hailed as a landmark policy speech for his fledgling country and cretins from all over America are still flooding into the area.

Right wing politicians however, had a slightly different take on the event and have been rapidly distancing themselves from Bundy. The nations most intelligent prognosticators (line setters in Vegas) predict that Bundy’s support will wither and die over the next few weeks, leaving him alone in the veld except for a few inbred relatives and a dozen or so surviving tortoises.

There is hope for Bundy however. Word has it that he has been offered an anchor job with Fox News, taking the time slot just after Megyn Kelly every night. The only problem with this scenario is that someone is going to have to figure out how to get Sean Hannity’s lips pried away from Bundy’s prodigious ass long enough for him to appear on television.

 

 

 

Jubilant New Yorkers Throng Times Square After Sean Hannity Announces Imminent Departure

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NEW YORK-An estimated crowd of over 200,000 people crowded Times Square and surrounding areas yesterday as word leaked out that Fox News personality and insane person Sean Hannity intends to depart New York and set up camp in the Bible Belt. Hannity made the announcement during a nonsensical rant on his radio program Monday afternoon. The public only found out about the announcement yesterday morning because so few New Yorkers actually listen to the program.

Hannity was responding to comments made by Governor Andrew Cuomo concerning extreme right-wing lunatics and most New Yorker’s desire for them to live elsewhere. Hannity took umbrage to Cuomo’s remarks and said “I want you to know that I can’t wait to get out of here. I really can’t. I don’t want to pay their 10 percent tax anymore.” Hannity continued “I live in the second-highest property-taxed county in the entire country in  Nassau County. I can’t wait to pay no state income tax down in Florida or Texas.”

Hannity continued to rant and rave for the rest of the segment about how oppressive taxes were in New York. “Look, I only made about 24 million last year. By the time I pay federal, state, and local taxes, I barely take home enough to buy a loaf of bread each week. I’m sick of the government giving handouts to lazy poor people and minorities in the form of food stamps and healthcare.  It’s high time the top 1% in this country stood up for its rights. The government has no right to take my hard-earned money and use it to try to help the oppressed and downtrodden! It’s un-American,  counterproductive, and it’s just not the Christian thing to do. You’d never see Jesus hanging out trying to help the poor. Read your Bible if you don’t believe me.”

Although the citizens of New York were exultant over Hannity’s plans, the few intelligent beings inhabiting Florida and Texas were mortified.

“Just what we need,” said former governor Charlie Crist, “another right-wing miscreant moving to Florida. First Rush Limbaugh and now Sean Hannity. Who’s next, that brain-damaged psychopath Glenn Beck? What in God’s name did we do down here to deserve this?”

An Obamacare Holiday Massacre

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Fox News interrupted coverage of the mythical “War on Christmas” today to report the latest in a long line of Obamacare atrocities.The report, if corroborated by actual news organizations, could deal a heavy blow to the new health care system.

Starship Captain and cutting edge investigative reporter Shepherd Smith reported a huge loss of life associated with the healthcare.gov website. Hundreds of thousands if not millions of innocents lost their lives in the run up to Thanksgiving because of a software “glitch” on the site. “They had logged on seeking health insurance for their families and instead were rerouted to the dreaded ‘Death Panel’  page, where they were immediately condemned,” said Smith. “These poults never had a chance,” Smith continued, “they were rounded up, executed, and became the main course in households across the country on Thanksgiving Day.”

Smith featured an interview on his program with Sean Hannity, Fox’s ace debater and insightful intellectual. Hannity revealed an even more shocking aspect of the disaster. “My sources have informed me that some of these innocent young turkeys had knowledge of Hillary Clinton’s involvement in the Benghazi abomination, and were threatening to expose her,” said Hannity. “This is an insidious conspiracy that reaches the highest levels of government, and we intend to spend the next eight or nine months speculating about it on my show.”

Representative Michele Bachman, who vociferously warned her constituents about these “Death Panels”, was unavailable for comment as she was attending a Tea Party sponsored “Origin of the Species” book burning festival at the Texas Board of Education along with Senator Ted Cruz.