Tag Archives: senate

Paul and Patty’s Excellent Adventure

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The compromise budget deal worked out by Representative Paul Ryan (R-WI) and Senator Patty Murray (D-WA) cleared a key hurdle in the Senate yesterday and seems destined to win Congressional approval late this week. The vote was 67-33 in favor.

The plan overcame token resistance in the House last week by radical right Tea Partiers and various Jacobins on the left. The final tally was 332 in favor and 94 opposed, with 7 abstaining.

The two masterminds behind the bipartisan compromise held a press conference to celebrate the progress of the bill early this morning.

The press conference was held at a pub close to the Capitol called “The Dirty Politician”, where attendees dined on a brunch of lobster and caviar omelettes and enjoyed Don Perignon mimosas at taxpayer expense.

Representative Ryan boasted of the hard work put into the agreement: “Patty and I toiled tirelessly for several weeks in order to come up with this compromise, which in the end was a simple ‘you give 50% and I’ll give 50%’ proposition.” Ryan continued, “This agreement is absolutely the best thing we could come up with for the American people. While not everyone on our side will be happy with it, the plan safeguards important programs we have in place, such as the ‘War on Terror,’ the ‘War on Drugs,’ the ‘War on Gay Marriage,’ the ‘War on Science,’ and the all important ‘War on Obamacare,’ to name a few.”

Senator Murray agreed saying, “Yes, after all the grueling hours of debate we have really come up with a great plan that makes practically no one happy, but it does make government shutdowns less likely. I know some of our folks will be displeased, but at least we protected our key programs such as the ‘War on Poverty’, the ‘War on Traditional Marriage,’ and the critical ‘War on Christmas,’ among others.”

Although the budget deal does practically nothing to slow the growth of a crushing national debt and little to rein in runaway defense spending, leaders of both parties did not seem overly concerned. “We live in a very dangerous world, and we need to continue to spend more than the next 10 countries combined on defense. Otherwise how the hell are we going to continue to cause collateral damage around the world?” Ryan said.

Senator Patrick Leahy (D-VT) added, as he stumbled past the podium, “Paul is right! The NSA for example, should get even more funding. The Orwellian programs we have allowed to blossom on our watch will be invaluable to future politicians looking to control an unruly public! Who is gonna spy on the American people if we don’t do it ourselves?”

Ryan and Murray took no questions from the press and the get-together slowly deteriorated into a love-in between politicians of both parties so common when someone even whispers the term “bipartisan.” Reporters, waiters, and bar-keeps alike were nauseated to the point of needing medical care.

As stated earlier, the budget bill should clear the Senate by the end of the week. President Obama is eager to sign the glorious document into law as soon as it is put on his desk, which no doubt will call for another bipartisan Woodstock-style love festival.

Stockman Announces Candidacy for U.S. Senate

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Tea Party darling and unhinged homophobe Steve Stockman has announced his candidacy for the Texas senate seat currently occupied by John Cornyn, one of the most powerful members of Congress.

Presently Stockman represents Texas’ 36th congressional district, just east of Houston. Known around Washington as “Hillbilly Frankenstein”, Stockman is famous for his outrageous comments, tweets, and antics on the House floor.

Stockman has a long and bizarre history in both Texas and D.C. The product of mid-20th century genetic experiments, Stockman began life in a remote village in Bolivia. He was patched together by refugee German scientists who fled Hitler’s Germany in early 1945. Body parts were obtained from the victims of right-wing death squads around South America.

Amphibian and reptile DNA was used to help weave together Stockman’s disparate parts. Scientists in the U.S. think that this fact has a lot to do with his incoherent outbursts and inability to reason. Stockman at times shows flashes of human consciousness, but in the main he exhibits the more primitive instinctive features of lizards and snakes.

“The man operates almost completely on the level of an insect,” said Dr. John Small Berries of the Genetic Research Center in Austin, Texas. “He suffers from three distinct mental disorders, and like many members of these fringe groups, he has none of the qualities we normally attribute to human beings, such as compassion and empathy. He does not possess a rudimentary ‘theory of mind’, an attribute that is present in even some of the less developed mammals such as chimps and elephants.”

Stockman’s outrageous comments and positions over his political career are too numerous to list, but here are a few high points:

He compared President Obama’s use of kids as props to Saddam Hussein’s use of human shields. He has ties to various militia groups around the U.S. He wanted to charge Janet Reno for premeditated murder for the Waco tragedy. He steadfastly refuses to make public the sources of his sizable campaign donations. He advocates giving infants firearms. He authored a press release claiming that the comet ISON was piloted by the prophet Ezekiel and appeared to warn U.S. citizens about the evils of Obamacare.

Some of his tweets:

“If babies had guns, they would not be aborted.”

“Our children are taught that they are sexual from birth, that any type of sex is a valid outlet for their emotions. They are taught that the problem with sex is not that it is wrong to engage in homosexual, bestial, underage, or premarital sex, but that it is wrong to do so without protection.”

“Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.”

Stockman’s lack of higher brain function was on full display when he gave the reasons for his challenge to Cornyn in the Senate. He repeatedly referred to Cornyn as a liberal, the equivalent of calling Michele Bachman a polymath. He also claimed that he was fighting Obamacare in a foxhole while Cornyn was bayoneting him in the back.

Political experts give Stockman about the same odds of winning as they do John Boehner moving inside the Arctic Circle. But if nothing else Texans and the rest of America will get a good display of what happens when a brain-damaged miscreant runs for a U.S. Senate seat.

We called on friend of the column Dr. Frank Black for his comments. “It’s a damn shame. In the late eighties Stockman showed some promise,” Black said. “For a short while he showed signs of higher brain function and began to show some human traits. He even embraced his roots by overcoming his self-repression and embracing a gay lifestyle. He even went so far as to open a bed and breakfast and enrolled in a ceramics class,” Black continued. “However, when the b and b went bust (it was located adjacent to a Houston oil refinery) he just devolved into the Bible-thumping paranoid schizophrenic we see today.”

There is no word yet on what Stockman plans to do after his absurd senate run is squashed. One can only hope he moves back to the Bolivian jungles to ruminate with the descendents of his creators.

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Reid Goes Nuclear, Rush Goes Insane

Posted in politics, Uncategorized by

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Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh’s tenuous grip on reality exhibited further signs of decay last week when he went on a rant comparing Senator Reid’s use of the nuclear option to the rape of women.

Limbaugh has apparently long been obsessed with rape as evidenced by his frequent use of rape analogies during political discussions. For example, in 2009 Limbaugh stated that “people in the private sector are being raped by this (Obama’s) administration.” Also, again in 2009, Limbaugh told his listeners to “get ready to be gang-raped again folks” while discussing health care reform.

These are just two examples of many ridiculous and irrational rape analogies Limbaugh has used in the past.

After his most recent abomination, pundits descended on Limbaugh like vultures on an elephant carcass. Theories as to the cause of his affliction are numerous and varied. Some believe that his rape fixation stems from a deep-seated insecurity resulting in feelings of inadequacy, while others attribute his lack of cogency to a possible minor stroke suffered sometime in the distant past.

One interesting explanation comes from Professor George Smiley of the Foundation for the Promotion of Critical Thought in Education. Mr. Smiley stated, “We see this misuse of analogy and metaphor more and more in the United States. We think the increase may be the result of the woeful state of secondary education here in America. Reason and critical thought are simply not emphasized, if taught at all.”

“This is nothing new,” Smiley continued, “we fight a constant battle with dimwits who insist on keeping self-evident truths such as the equality of women, evolution and the Big Bang out of the curriculum on religious grounds. It’s no small wonder that insensitive and irrational rape analogies are so common, particularly when the perpetrator’s livelihood depends on pleasing these groups.”

Limbaugh has by no means limited his inaccurate analogies to rape. He has in the past compared the food stamp program to the Trail of Tears, welfare to the Holocaust, and Obamacare to the asteroid that killed off the dinosaurs.

One does have to wonder at the state of our educational system when such an unhinged mind can amass the listening audience and great wealth that is attributed to Limbaugh. “It’s depressing,” said Smiley, “but we keep fighting. As you may or may not know, the last thing to come out of Pandora’s box was hope, and it springs eternal.”