Tag Archives: sierra leone

Ivory Coast Defeats Sierra Leone 5-1 In African Cup Of Nations Qualifier

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Sierra Leone suffered an embarrassing thrashing today when it was defeated by Ivory Coast 5-1 in an African Cup of Nations qualifying match in front of a nearly empty Felix Houphouet Boigny Stadium. Those fans brave enough to attend the match were given respirators and rubber gloves before entering the stadium.

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Physios for Sierra Leone found it difficult to treat injured players during the game because of the bulky protective gear they were forced to wear by stadium officials

The game was tied 1-1 at halftime, but Ivory Coast came roaring to life in the second half as its players became accustomed to the giant protective bubble suits the Sierra Leone players were forced to wear by the FIFA officiating crew.

“They weaved and bobbed through our defense as if we were not even there,” said Coach John Sesay. “I think it’s highly irresponsible for the people in charge of this tourney to force our guys to wear these ridiculous suits. Not everyone in Sierra Leone has Ebola, you know.”

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Sierra Leone manager John Sesay was outraged when he had to prove he was healthy enough to coach the game by dribbling through a pride of hungry lions

The Sierra Leone players managed to hold off the unencumbered Ivory Coast players in the first half by forming a giant protective ring around their goal and knocking down opposing players with their huge inflated suits. However, at halftime Ivory Coast Coach Sabri Lamouchi devised a strategy that spelled doom for the potentially infected team from Sierra Leone.

“Coach told us to form a flying wedge and charge through their bubble-wrap defense, which allowed the player with the ball to dribble along behind it and kick the ball into the goal,” said Salomon Kalou, who scored two of Ivory Coast’s four second half goals. “The change in strategy worked wonders. We kicked their bloody, contaminated asses right off the field in the second period.”

Coach Sesay told reporters that he plans on filing an official complaint with FIFA and the governing board of the tournament as soon as he gets over a slight fever and stomach ailment that started plaguing him late last week.

 

CDC Dispatches 84 Scientists And Researchers To West Africa To Fight Ebola Outbreak

Posted in health care, humor by

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ATLANTA (CT&P) – Director of the Centers For Disease Control in Atlanta Thomas Frieden announced today that 84 more personnel will be sent to West Africa to help combat the Ebola outbreak that is devastating parts of Liberia, Guinea, and Sierra Leone.  The 84 scientists will join a team of five CDC personnel already on the ground in the area.

The outbreak has already claimed over 300 lives and is considered by many to be completely out of control.

“The reality is clear that the epidemic is now in a second wave,” Bart Janssens, a Doctors Without Borders official, told the Associated Press. “And, for me, it is totally out of control.

Ebola causes high fevers, vomiting, diarrhea and often death. The latest epidemic has left more than 330 dead in Guinea, Sierra Leone and Liberia. The outbreak started in heavily populated areas of Guinea and Liberia.

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Members of the highly trained team of scientists are reminded of proper procedure before they depart on their trip. The CDC denied that all the Delta Airlines tickets distributed to the personnel were “one-way.”

“I’m absolutely convinced that this epidemic is far from over and will continue to kill a considerable number of people, particularly health workers” Janssens told AP, “so this will definitely end up the biggest ever.”

The CDC has not released the names of the employees destined for the hot zone, and Dr. Frieden insisted that the move has nothing to do with the 84 federal employees recently exposed to deadly anthrax bacteria.

“We had planned to send these folks into the field for quite some time, and introducing them into a filthy environment loaded with Ebola, malaria and Dengue fever is the perfect way to get their feet wet in the exciting world of hands on disease prevention,” said Frieden. “It has absolutely nothing to do with trying to get rid of bumbling scientists that did not follow proper protocol, or trying to avoid the costly medical expenses of treating anthrax infections.”

The potentially disastrous anthrax exposure occurred after researchers working in a high-level biosecurity laboratory at the agency’s Atlanta campus failed to follow proper procedures to inactivate the bacteria. They then transferred the samples, which may have contained live bacteria, to lower-security CDC labs not equipped to handle live anthrax, as well as the campus cafeteria.

More researchers were exposed to the deadly substance during an office party when the powder was mistaken for table sugar and used to sweeten iced tea.

Dr. Frieden told The Atlanta Journal Constitution that he has full faith in the team, and those who beat the odds and survive will no doubt be in line for some important bonuses and promotions.