Tag Archives: Sports

Rogue Bear Wipes Out Hunting Party In Maine

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In what Maine Department of Wildlife officials are calling the worst example of black-on-white crime in the history of the state, a large male bear has attacked and devoured a hunting party in the northern portion of the state. Only one of the group of four hunters has lived to tell the tale. He is currently in hospital being treated for wounds to both hands and his scrotum, which was partially removed during the attack.

In an interview with Bloodthirsty Redneck Hunters Magazine, 48-year-old Ronald Dullard said that the bear lured the hunters into deathtrap from which there was practically no escape.

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The unfortunate group of hunters posed for this photo shortly before they set off on their ill-fated expedition.

“We were walking through the woods just chatting and recounting past adventures in which we had slaughtered innocent deer and moose when we noticed what appeared to be a case of Budweiser sitting on a card table in the middle of a clearing,” said Dullard. “We did what any group of well-armed red-blooded American males would do and sat down and began to drink.”

What the group did not know was that they were being observed from a nearby tree stand by a very angry and agitated 600 lb black bear, bent on revenge for the wanton slaughter of his family the year before.

“As we began to fill up on this beer and nature took its course, Joe Bob got up to take a piss,” said Dullard. “He had just disappeared behind this large tree when we heard all this screaming. Turns out he had stepped into a large steel trap cleverly concealed behind the tree. We all got up to help and that’s when all hell broke loose. Billy Joe fell into a punji pit, Bobby Frank was snared and left hanging by one foot upside down, and I have to admit I was just frozen in fear, not knowing what the hell was going on.”

It was then that Dullard saw the bear calmly descend from the tree stand and slowly approach him with what seemed like a smile on his face.

“I was so scared I couldn’t move,” said Dullard. “I watched in horror as this renegade bear disemboweled my friends one by one.”

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Dullard became somewhat of a celebrity in the mid-nineties when he posed for Overweight Redneck Assholes With Guns Magazine

After the bear dispatched the immobile hunters he sauntered over to where Dullard stood wetting his pants and explained to him that unfortunately he was going to have to remove his fingers so that he would never hunt again.

“I pleaded with the bear that I had a wife and two kids that depended on me for food, but he was unmoved,” said Dullard. “He told me I should have thought of that before I came into his neighborhood bent on killing anything that moved.”

The bear then gnawed off a good portion of Dullard’s hands, and as an afterthought took a huge bite out of him in the groin area.

“The bear told me he didn’t want me to sire anymore cowardly hunters that would terrorize future generations of his offspring,” said Dullard. “Then he let me go and told me tell anyone who would listen to stay the fuck away from his patch or they would get the same treatment. It was horrifying.”

Dullard is expected to make a full recovery except for the fact that he will now have to be fitted with prosthetic hands and will have to sit down to urinate.

Investigators sent to the scene confirmed Dullard’s story down to the last detail. They found a sign written in blood and nailed to a nearby tree that read “KEEP OUT-NO FUCKING HUNTING OR I’LL GET MEDIEVAL ON YOUR ASS.”

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When last seen, the bear in question was resting comfortably at home. It seems he needed a nap after such a large and tasty meal.

Katie Hansberry, director of Mainers For Fair Bear Hunting, a group fighting to ban the baiting, trapping, and hounding of black bears, said it was high time the bears starting fighting back.

“I could not be more pleased with this turn of events,” said Hansberry. “For years lazy-ass cowardly hunters have put out bait to attract bears, trapped them in horrific steel traps reminiscent of medieval torture devices, or treed them with packs of dogs before filling them full of lead. It’s inhumane and has to be stopped.”

“It’s high time these insecure balless wonders got a taste of their own medicine. I hope every bear in North America joins in and fights for his or her right to live a happy life free from these savages. Just because a dude has a small penis it’s no damn excuse for him running around the woods on weekends murdering innocent wildlife. Screw ’em!”

Maine wildlife officials have no plans to go after the rogue bear at this time, but have taken the precaution of shortening the hunting season this year. The move has not raised any complaints from the bear hunting community because the last thing the cowards want is to put their own asses on the line by going anywhere they may feel the least bit threatened.

 

 

 

When Idiots Collide

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Cyclists along the Emerald Coast are famous for their happy-go-lucky attitude when it comes sharing the road with moronic drivers from every state in the union. The combination all too often results in tragedy and new nominations for the Darwin Awards

SANTA ROSA BEACH, UPPER CRETONIA (CT&P) – A senseless tragedy occurred on 30-A in South Walton over the weekend as yet another dumb-ass cyclist was crushed beneath the wheels of two SUV’s driven by cell phone-wielding drivers more intent on communicating useless information to relatives rather than paying attention to the road in front of them.

The slaughter occurred about one mile east of the intersection of 30-A and State Road 393.

Apparently Beavis Neoprenus, an FSU graduate student from Athens, Greece, was traveling west on 30-A, and like so many other cretinous cyclists, had steadfastly refused to ride on the available bike path in favor of the dangerous-as-hell passenger car lane.

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Some residents along 30-A and highway 98 have taken matters into their own hands by releasing hostile ungulates onto the roadway at odd intervals in order to discourage bike traffic

Meanwhile 85 year-old Greta McButt of nearby Fetid Swamp Retirement Village in DeFuniak Springs came barreling along at about twice the speed limit, knocking Neoprenus ten feet into the air and roughly forty feet from his starting position.

Neoprenus was protected from serious injury from the collision because he was wearing his fancy lightweight protective helmet. However, the expensive protective gear proved of little use when Cynthia Airhead of Panama City Beach ran straight over his skull with her 5000 lb Tahoe. Airhead failed to see Neoprenus lying in the road because she was simultaneously texting her boyfriend and attempting to light her crack pipe with a Zippo.

The unfortunate Neoprenus was pronounced dead at the scene by Deputy Billy Bob McSneed of Melanoma Beach. An investigation is underway as to whether any charges will be filed against McButt or Airhead.

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“It’s all fun and games to these cyclists who laugh and wave at honking motorists until one of them gives the finger to the wrong machete-wielding redneck,” said Sheriff Buttplug

“We see this special form of idiocy all the time down at the beach,” said Walton County Sheriff Buford T. Buttplug. “We have all these dim wits from all over the country coming down here getting drunk and weaving all over the road. When you combine that with the native population, most of whom failed to make it past 6th grade, it makes for very dangerous cycling conditions. I mean, everyone knows that automobiles need to share the road with bikes, but when a cyclist insists on riding on the highway when there is a perfectly good and safe  bike path two feet away, well, it’s just stupid. It would be like insisting on taking a Malaysian Airlines flight when Delta goes to the same destination. I just don’t understand these freaks.”

A ceremony and candlelight vigil for the unfortunate Neoprenus is scheduled to take place in the median of busy Highway 98 at 3 A.M on Saturday night, when the maximum number of drunken and incompetent motorists will be able to view the event and be reminded that they must share the road with other idiots. Cyclists from all over the county are expected to attend.

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Neoprenus lost his life while doing what he loved most, taking stupid chances by cycling inches away from huge vehicles traveling at high speed. His family back in Greece can take solace in the fact that his friends in the states have erected an idiotic shrine for him close to where his head was turned into a gelatinous mush.

Investigators Now Believe Coker Exposed To Lead Paint While At FSU

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – NCAA investigators revealed today that Alabama back-up quarterback Jacob Coker could have been exposed to lead-based paint during his time at FSU, which could account for his complete inability to understand even the most basic plays in Bama’s new offense.

The paint was found throughout the athletic dorm at Florida State, and was badly peeled in some places. Authorities believe that several athletes have been exposed over long periods of time and some may have even inadvertently consumed the paint on pizzas and other take-out foods eaten in the dorm.

“Well this finding really explains a lot,” said Lane Kiffin, Bama’s new offensive coordinator. “I mean Jesus, I can’t even signal in a simple hand off to a running back without getting that damn ‘deer in the headlights’ look from Jake. It’s getting really ridiculous, and Coach Saban is just about ready to rip my head off. This will provide us with an excellent excuse to move another QB into the back-up role.”

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The FSU coaching staff has been puzzled for some time now over Winston’s apparent obsession with crustaceans

Florida State head coach Jimbo Fisher was also relieved upon hearing the news, as it may help to explain some of Heisman Trophy winner Jameis Winston’s bizarre and shocking off-field behavior.

“For a while now we thought Jameis was on some sort of weird drug that did not show up in our tox screens, or that he had some variation on Tourette’s syndrome that gave him the urge to shout sexual epithets while standing on tables in the student union,” said Fisher. “Now at least we can seek medical treatment for him. I tell you, the coaching staff is of sick worrying that he might steal more crustaceans or scream some sexual obscenity while in public.”

“We are taking bids to have the athletic dorm stripped and repainted over the Christmas holidays,” continued Fisher, “that way we can at least try to keep the criminal activity down to the manageable levels we are used to here at Florida State.”

Although Winston’s level of exposure is thought to be serious enough to warrant treatment, the FSU staff think he can continue playing and finish the season. However, Coach Saban is not so optimistic concerning Coker’s future at Alabama.

“I’m sorry but I don’t have the patience to deal with this idiot for one more minute,” said Saban. “I need a quarterback who can at least memorize five or six plays. If we don’t get Coker off the team soon, the NCAA may be investigating a wrongful death case here.”

 

Hunting Accidents Rise As IQs Decline

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – As hunting season begins all across America, hundreds of thousands of sexually insecure men with firearms are flooding ever-dwindling wildlife management areas in an effort boost their sagging self esteem by murdering innocent mammals.

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Bobby “Buck” Churcheson is president of the North American Even-Toed Ungulate Anti-Defamation League

The resulting chaos is predictable; terrified animals fleeing the dullards firing at anything that moves, an increase in automobile accidents caused by deer crossing busy highways in an effort to escape, and thousands of hunters and non-hunters alike becoming victims of gunshot wounds, many of them fatal.

One wonders what satisfaction these savages derive from inflicting a horrible and painful death upon these poor animals, but at least we can take solace in the fact that more and more hunters are removed from the gene pool each year by their own hands, and that should make the women of America happy, as a small penis and shrunken testicles are not exactly in high demand.

One citizen who is overjoyed by the alarming rise in gunshot fatalities in the U.S. is Bobby “Buck” Churcheson, president of the Even-Toed Ungulate Anti-Defamation League.

“We have been protesting the murder of our fellow ungulates for decades,” said Churcheson. “Ever since it became apparent that these hunter types no longer needed us for food but were just killing us for sport, we have been telling anyone who will listen that what these dim wits need is counseling, not hunting licenses. Anyone who derives pleasure from going out and inflicting pain on a defenseless animal is a truly sick individual.”

Although Churcheson admits that Homo sapiens as a species is undoubtedly the pinnacle of evolution and natural selection, he makes it clear that something is clearly missing from the giant human pre-frontal cortex.

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Hunters and firearms enthusiasts are rarely seen playing chess or reading scholarly works. They are clearly in need of some sort of remedial education. Churcheson hopes that a charity can be founded to help them overcome their insecurity and channel their energy into more enlightened pursuits, like wildlife rescue.

“Something went wrong somewhere, that much is obvious,” said Churcheson, as he chewed on some unidentified plant matter.

“You guys run around sawing off each others heads and bombing brown people by the thousands in the name of religion. You have polluted the planet almost to the point of no return, and you treat half of your citizens like dirt. And what’s with this fracking shit? Even a fucking wild hog could tell you that it’s not a good idea to force poison into the earth under high pressure and expect nothing bad to happen. I mean, what are you humans thinking?”

Churcheson does not expect a change in attitudes among most human beings, but he has an optimistic outlook on the future nonetheless.

“You hominids have only been around for few minutes in geologic time. You’ll fade away and go extinct soon enough, and the earth will recover. In the meantime we at the League can only hope that more and more hunters will come to the realization that no matter how many animals they murder in cold blood, their dicks are not going to get any bigger than they already are.”

Frustrated By Today’s Loss To Aston Villa, Mario Balotelli Pledges To “Get Medieval On Their Ass”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At a press conference just after today’s 1-nil loss to Aston Villa at Anfield, Liverpool striker Mario Balotelli told reporters that he plans on “getting medieval on their ass” the next time the two clubs meet.

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Balotelli effectively declared war on all other teams within the league

Balotelli, along with the rest of the Liverpool offense, looked anemic against a well-organized Aston Villa defense which frustrated the men in red for most of the game.

Balotelli was manhandled and abused by Villa’s defenders, who for most of the game did not have to worry with defending the lightning-fast Raheem Sterling, who rode the bench until late in the second half. Also missing was the creative Daniel Sturridge who is out due to injury.

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Known for his temper tantrums both on and off the field, Balotelli has run into trouble with football’s governing bodies on several occasions

Super Mario looked anything but in the performance, but he pledged that the next time he was on the pitch, things would be different.

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Balotelli was once suspended for five games for kidnapping the opposing goalkeeper’s infant during a match while he was at AC Milan

“Let us have a dagger in our teeth, a bomb in our hands, and infinite scorn in our hearts when we travel to West Ham next week,” said Balotelli, paraphrasing one of his heroes, Benito Mussolini. “War alone brings up to their highest tension all human energies and imposes the stamp of nobility upon the teams that have the courage to make it, and I am declaring war on the rest of the Premier League!”

“It is humiliating to remain with our hands folded while others write history. It matters little who wins. To make a team great it is necessary to send it to battle even if you have to kick it in the shorts. That is what I shall do. Inactivity is death!” screamed Balotelli as he strutted around the podium like a rooster with a mohawk.

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Although Balotelli has often been in trouble with managers and league officials, his good taste has never been questioned

Although he shared Balotelli’s disgust with his team’s performance Liverpool manager Brendon Rodgers could shed no light on Balotelli’s obsession with fascist dictatorships.

“I have no fucking clue what the dude is talking about,” said Rodgers. “I just wish the son of bitch would mark his man better during corner kicks.”

Messiah Scheduled To Return This Sunday

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Our Lord’s return has been highly anticipated by clerics all over the world

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Everyone had better be getting their house in order, because The Prince of Pitch and Lord of La Liga will be returning to earth on Sunday when the Catalans take on Elche in their first match of the year.

The Messiah will be leading a divine squad of disciples, revamped and reinvigorated by new manager Bishop Luis Enrique.

On one wing the Apostle Neymar will return with another year of experience under his cloak ready to levitate over opposing defenders and maneuver around the opposition like a pillar of fire.

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Barca fans all over the globe hope that Saint Xavi, Patron Saint of Reptiles, will rise like Lazarus to help guide the team in one final Crusade before departing to spread the gospel in America

Our Lord and Savior will be supported on the other wing by the always loyal Archangel Pedro the Swift, a player quite capable of scoring heavenly goals on his own.

Newly converted heretic and part-time cannibal Luis “The Scourge” Suarez will strike fear into the hearts of every defender he encounters in the middle. Unfortunately the saintly striker will be unable to join the ministry until October because of that unfortunate misunderstanding at the World Cup in Brazil.

He will however, be available for Barca’s confrontation with opposing sect Real Madrid.

The ravenous striker has been granted dispensation from Pope Francis for all past and future consumptions of human flesh during matches played in both La Liga and the Champion’s League so “The Scourge” should be biting on all cylinders this season.

The midfield will ably organized by Cardinal Andrés Iniesta and the usual cast, with support from Saint Xavi The Chameleon.

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The addition of saintly striker and part-time cannibal Luis “The Scourge” Suarez will no doubt strike fear into the hearts of non-believers all over Europe

The Army of God’s defensive troops will be led by St Mascherano the Martyr, who so readily sacrifices himself over and over again for the one true faith.

In conclusion, this year’s Barca lineup should strike terror into the hearts of all non-believers.

Many pundits think that if an internal schism can be avoided this season we will see a return of the Spanish Inquisition.

The Messiah and his disciples could very well leave a trail of tortured souls across scorched pitches in both La Liga and the Champion’s League.

Infidels across Europe should fear and tremble at Our Master’s return.

The Messiah’s first sermon of the new season may be seen live from Camp Nou on beIN Sports at 3 PM Eastern.

 

 

 

WWJD?

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – As one wanders aimlessly about the football pitch of life, one is faced again and again with life-altering decisions that must be made in order to continue on a path towards a winning goal. When I find myself unable to decide in what direction I should go, I ask the simple question: “What would José Mourinho do?”

José Mário dos Santos Mourinho Félix, better known as “The Special One,” has been my guiding light through times of trouble and indecision. He is omnipresent, hovering there at the edge of consciousness, always willing to lend me a helping hand when I am unable to choose the correct path on my own.

Let him do the same for you. You won’t regret it.

“The Special One”  begins his 2014 ministry today at 3 PM Eastern on NBCSP when Chelsea takes on newly promoted Burnley FC at Turf Moor.

 

REMEMBER:

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Suarez Repents, Joins The Messiah And His Disciples At Barcelona

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) Luis Suarez has been “born again” and signed a deal to join Our Lord and Savior, Lionel Messi, at Barcelona next season. Barcelona purchased the part-time cannibal for £75m from Liverpool.

The only potential barrier to the deal’s completion is the need for the striker to pass a medical but that, as with the finalization of personal terms, is expected to be a mere formality. By early next week Suárez, who has already passed a preliminary examination from a Barça club doctor in Montevideo, should be rubber stamped in a five-year deal.

“As long as we don’t find an inordinately large percentage of human flesh in his digestive tract he’s good to go,” said Dr. Emilio Lizardo, Barcelona’s team physician.

Suarez will join the club as part of an already formidable attack featuring the Apostle Neymar, Saint Pedro Rodríguez, and of course the Prince of Pitch and goal-scoring Messiah, Leo Messi. 

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Barcelona coaches will be taking a variety of measures to prevent injury to their midfielders and defensive players during practice sessions

Suarez bid farewell to Liverpool and its incredible fans by saying: “Both me and my family have fallen in love with this club and with the city but most of all I have fallen in love with the incredible fans. You have always supported me and we, as a family, will never forget it, we will always be Liverpool supporters.”

“However, I don’t think that anyone can deny the cuisine available on the Iberian peninsula is superior. I always thought that one of the major causes of my insatiable craving for human flesh was the horrific English food. How much of that crap can you eat before you lose your mind? I just can’t fathom what you people are thinking about. I mean Jesus Christ, fish and chips, bangers and mash, toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, spotted dick, the list goes on and on! Spotted dick? Are you serious?”

Suarez’ family already lives in Barcelona so the move will not be a traumatic one, and most analysts predicted that he would end up there or at Real Madrid this season.

The addition of the borderline sociopath to the Barcelona attack will make the already much-feared disciples of Messi that much harder to beat. Details of Suarez’ suspension for his latest barbaric attempt to eat an opposing player are yet to be worked out because his lawyer is appealing FIFA’s “draconian” penalty.

Opposing teams in La Liga are scrambling to vaccinate their defensive players against rabies and distemper in time for next month’s start of the season.

German Blitzkrieg Rolls Through Brazil In Record Time

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CT&P) – Team Germany eviscerated a highly-touted Brazil today by a score of 7-1 at Estádio Mineirão, Belo Horizonte. The semi final victory was one of the greatest defeats in World Cup history.

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Field Marshal Erich von Manstein was the coach of the 1940 German team that conquered France and the low countries in record time. His creative use of armored strikers is now a technique taught all over the world.

Brazil, completely disorganized on defense, surrendered five goals in the first 29 minutes and did not score until the match’s 90th minute. The Brazil captain and best defender, Thiago Silva, was out because of a yellow-card suspension, but that did not even begin to explain the comprehensive failure of the entire team in a defeat that forever changes the world’s perception of Brazilian soccer.

In effect, the game was over in less than 30 minutes, which sets a new record for German conquest of a foreign power. The old record was Germany’s subjugation of the Netherlands in 1940, which took six days.

When contacted for comment, the coach of the 1940 team, Field Marshal Erich von Manstein told the Times that although he was disappointed to see his old record fall, “I am proud of our boys and what they accomplished today. We controlled the vital lines of supply through the midfield and conducted well-coordinated lightning attacks on their defense, which consisted of out of date fixed fortifications.”

“Those Brazilian defenders looked like a bunch of Polish cavalrymen charging our tanks,” von Manstein chuckled. “I have high hopes that we can go all the way and achieve world domination, something that eluded us in the 40’s. I wish the boys the best of luck, and hopefully our domination will last 1000 years!”

The field marshal then raised a beer and broke into a guttural version of “Deutschland, Deutschland über alles“

Satan “Slightly Annoyed” By Red Devils’ Loss To Catholics On Saturday

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CT&P) – At press conference this morning on the banks of the River Styx, Satan told reporters that he was “annoyed, and more than a little pissed off” with Belgium coach Marc Wilmots for not coming up with a more intelligent game plan against Argentina.

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The Prince of Darkness spoke to reporters briefly before appearing as keynote speaker at a Tea Party fundraiser in Virginia’s 7th District

“Yeah well, I’m annoyed as hell,” said Satan. “All we did was chase those damn Christians all over the field and we seemed to have no real plan of attack. We looked disorganized and unable to maintain possession of the ball, and possession is supposed to be one of our specialties!”

The quarter-final match was in effect decided in the eighth minute by the Apostle Gonzalo Higuaín’s half volley off a deflected pass. The goal was made possible by Our Savior Lionel Messi charging the defense and drawing Belgian defenders to him like Roman soldiers to a weekend picnic and crucifixion.

The Argentines then used their superior ball handling abilities to fend off the spawn of Satan for the next eighty minutes plus stoppage time. Belgium pushed forward throughout the rest of the game but was lacking in offensive fluency, often resorting to floated crosses that Argentina’s defense cleared with relative ease. Except for a last-minute flurry of desperate shots, the Belgians offered no real threat to the Soldiers of God.

The next opponent for the Messiah and his disciples will be the largely agnostic thugs from the Netherlands, featuring the demon-possessed midfielder Arjen Robben. The game is scheduled to be played Wednesday at Arena Corinthians, São Paulo at 4:00 Eastern.

The loss knocked Belgium out of the tournament.

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Although extremely agitated by the Red Devils’ loss, Satan could not resist getting Lionel Messi’s autograph outside Argentina’s dressing room.

When asked about Messi’s performance in the tournament so far, Satan said “Look, I know he’s the Son of God and all, and he’s been trained by the Inquisition in Barcelona since he was 13, but he’s only one man! If we can’t come up with a game plan to neutralize one man’s influence then I don’t hold out much hope for the future.”

“I swear to God I don’t know what to do with this coach,” said an exasperated Satan. “I give him all the young talent anyone could want, and we get a disappointing result like this. I mean, holy shit, most of our opponents don’t even believe in evolution! If we can’t even defeat a bunch of morons and dim wits then we might as well give up.”

Coach Wilmots’ contract with Mephistopheles and the Red Devils is not up for another 25 years, so a buyout seems unlikely. He is currently receiving two soccer cleats full of gold each month for services rendered to the Belgian team.