Tag Archives: Sports

The Messiah Rises…Again!

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CT&P) – Lionel Messi’s brilliant pass to Angel Di Maria in the 118th minute and Di Maria’s subsequent goal boosted Argentina past the neutral Swiss and on to the quarter finals in the World Cup.

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The Messiah and his disciple the Archangel Di Maria celebrate victory over the forces of darkness.

Switzerland kept Our Savior down for a valiant 117 minutes, and Argentina’s offense appeared to be deceased. With two, three, even four defenders on him whenever he had the ball, the Messiah failed to link up with disciples, failed to take over the game as he had in the group stage, and failed to get his team on the scoreboard. Some of the disciples even expressed doubt as to whether victory over death could be achieved.

With the score still knotted at 0-0 and only two minutes of extra time left, penalty kicks seemed inevitable.

Then the Lamb of God roared back to life. The Swiss defender Stephan Lichtsteiner lost the ball near midfield, and Our Lord, for once, found himself with space to run at the defense. He drove forward past two players to the edge of the box, thus rolling back the stone of the Swiss defense.

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The stone doorway placed in front of the Swiss goal was rolled away at the last possible moment.

The Redeemer then fed his chief disciple, the Archangel Di Maria, who was hovering six inches off the ground on the right side. Di Maria coolly slotted the ball home into the far corner with his left foot, giving Argentina the lead at the latest possible moment.

There was much rejoicing all over the world, particularly in Buenos Aires, the Vatican Basilica, and the Cabin Anthrax.

The victory puts Argentina into a quarter-final match at the Estadio Nacional in Brasilia on Saturday. The Good Shepherd will lead his flock of believers against Belgium in what promises to be an exciting and high scoring battle for souls of the undecided.

MESSIAH GONE WILD!

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CT&P) -A double from Our Lord and Savior a day after his 27th birthday inspired Argentina to a 3-2 win over African champions Nigeria and assured them of finishing top of Group F at the World Cup finals.

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The Messiah can be seen here horsing around with his ten disciples during warmups.

Only two minutes had gone when Argentina took the lead. Javier Mascherano’s clever pass found Di María, whose shot, hard and low towards the near post, was saved by Enyeama. But suddenly, in a fortunate flash, the ball was in the net. The ball came off the keeper’s hands, off the post, off the keeper’s head, off the post again, and out … to where Messi was racing forward to smash it back in again.

Nigeria quickly equalized, but the Prince of Pitch put Argentina up 2-1 with a “godlike” free kick into the upper right hand corner of the  goal while Nigerian goalkeeper Vincent Enyeama could only stare in amazement as he beheld the power of the Holy Spirit.
Nigeria’s Musa equalized once again later, but Argentina went up 3-2 on Rojo’s “thigh goal” and the chosen ones kept the lead for good.
Argentina will now face a tough Switzerland team in the round of 16. Coach Alejandro Sabella knows it will be an uphill battle for Argentina to make it all the way to the final, but he has great confidence in his saintly striker.
“Leo will have to put the team on his back and carry them to victory,” said Sabella, “but he already carries the burden of all of mankind’s sins on his shoulders every day, so I don’t think a few more World Cup matches will make much difference.”

Soylent Creator Rob Rhinehart Announces New Spokesman For Food Replacement Drink

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CP&T) – At a press conference shortly after the conclusion of the Italy vs Uruguay World Cup match, creator and champion of the nutritional drink Soylent Rob Rhinehart announced that Liverpool soccer superstar Luis Suarez will join the Soylent team as spokesman and vice president of marketing.

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Dr. Frank Black pointed out that many cannibals have risen to considerable heights in politics and society and have accomplished great things.

The position will no doubt help fill in the gap left in Suarez’s income that he will suffer because of his attempt to devour Italian player Giorgio Chiellini. The incident is the third in a series of biting incidents involving Suarez.

Suarez’s thirst for human flesh is thought to be the result of his upbringing in Salto, Uruguay. As a child, Luis was forced to consume several siblings and schoolmates in order to stay alive. Although Suarez has used his incredible physical talent to become a wealthy and successful soccer player, he still retains some of the savagery present in his youth.

“Once you taste human flesh, there’s really no turning back,” said Dr. Frank Black, of the Cannibal and Headhunter Anti-Defamation League. “Luis can’t be blamed for these urges. I expect FIFA and other football organizations to try to make him a scapegoat, but plenty of people have endured that kind of unwarranted criticism and risen to great heights in society.”

“We intend to back Luis 100% whether he is on the pitch or on television promoting liquified human flesh.”

The biting incident just occurred hours ago, so there is no telling what FIFA’s investigation may find, but no one expects Suarez to appear again in this World Cup, unless it is at one of the refreshment stands in the stadium offering human pot stickers or at the popular Brazilian steak house chain, Donner’s Biped Cattle Company.

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Suarez will become Soylent’s first spokesman and part of the ad campaign will include a series of interstate billboards.

Son Of God Smites Islamic Republic With His Divine Left Foot

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CT&P) – After 90 minutes of being stymied by a tenacious and indefatigable Islamic defense, the forces of the Pope finally prevailed when the Prince of Pitch launched a spectacular curling shot into the top corner of the Iranian goal. The victory lifts Argentina into the round of 16 in the 2014 World Cup.

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The Messiah’s goal pierced the Islamic defense “like Richard the Lionheart in the Holy Land,” said Pope Francis

“With the help of The Messiah, all things are possible,” said a relieved Argentina coach Alejandro Sabella. Sabella praised Iran for playing a “great” game and making it difficult for his side.

Watched by past Argentine great Diego Maradona in a 57,698 crowd, Our Savior appeared to be in an unthreatening position when he received the ball on the right in the 91st minute.

Then dropping his shoulder and cutting quickly inside, he curled a simply brilliant 25-yard left-foot shot over Iran’s massed defense and into the far corner past outstanding goalkeeper Alireza Haghighi’s outstretched hand. As the ball left the blessed Crusader’s foot, it began to glow as an eerie light fell over the entire stadium, while the parking area and refreshment stands went completely dark.

The Iranian goal veil was rent, and the Argentine fans went wild in celebration, with many cheering in tongues.

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After the match the Prince of Pitch greeted admiring fans and signed autographs for kids as he levitated 12 inches off the ground in the VIP parking lot.

“Not even Saladin himself could have stopped that shot,” said a weeping Sabella.

The goal and subsequent Argentine victory fulfills an ancient Biblical prophecy from the little-known Book of FIFA in the Old Testament. In Chapter 7 Verse 10, it states “And on the sixth day he shall rise again from his bed to smite the unbelievers from the east with his divine left foot, and their armies will be vanquished, and there shall be much rejoicing in the Vatican and the bars of Buenos Aires.”

The miraculous nature of the shot prompted the Supreme Leader of Iran Ali Khamenei to pardon his players from the round of beheadings that usually follows a loss on the soccer pitch.

“What we saw out there today was no less than the left foot of God,” said Khamenei during a press conference at the Revolutionary Guards Lounge and Re-education Center in Tehran, where he had viewed the match. “Our players did an admirable job, but you can’t expect mere mortals to defy the will of God for 90 minutes plus stoppage time. It was just too much.”

When asked about the performance of Lionel Messi, the goal scoring Messiah, Khamenei remarked, “That is one talented son of a bitch.”

 

 

BOWL-O-RAMA! Your Guide To Some of This Year’s More Obscure Bowl Games

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SANTA ROSA BEACH-We here at the Times-Picayune get just as frustrated as anyone trying to maximize our football viewing pleasure while having to deal with pesky relative visits and archaic religious holidays. So we decided to post a guide to some of the remaining bowl games that peaked our interest. We have omitted the participant teams, times, and stations so that you can print out the guide and use it in the years to come. Please consult your local listings for broadcast times and networks. We have tried when possible to give locations, sponsors, and announcers.

December 31st:

  • The Astro-Bubonic Bowl-Houston, Texas  Sponsors: NASA/The Centers for Disease Control  Play by play: Ira Flatow
  • The Excellence in Broadcasting Misogynist’s Bowl-Miami Gardens, Florida  Sponsors: American Bullion and Lifelock Play by play: Rush Limbaugh Color commentary by Mr. Snerdley
  • The Voodoo-Induced Earthquake Bowl-Port Au Prince, Haiti  Sponsor: The Christian Right  Play by play: Pat Robertson Color commentary by the Archangel Gabriel (Christopher Walken)
  • The Duck Dynasty Homophobic Racist Bowl-West Monroe, Louisiana  Sponsor: A&E  Play by play: Phil Robertson Color commentary by Alec Baldwin

January 1st:

  • The Second Amendment Automatic Weapons Bowl-Fairfax, Virginia  Sponsor: The National Rifle Association Play by play: Wayne La Pierre  Color commentary by George Zimmerman
  • The Wingnut Conspiracy Theory Bowl-Salt Lake City, Utah  Sponsor: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon)  Play by play: Glenn Beck  Color commentary by Steve Stockman
  • The British Petroleum Environmental Disaster Bowl-New Orleans, Louisiana  Sponsor: BP  Play by play: James Carville  Color commentary by Anderson Cooper
  • The Fukushima Genetic Mutation Bowl-Tokyo, Japan  Sponsor: Tokyo Electric Power  Play by play: Former Prime Minister Naoto Kan  Color commentary by Godzilla

January 2nd:

  • The Victoria’s Secret Implant Bowl-New York, New York  Sponsors: Allergan Natrelle and Mentor MemoryGel  Play by play: Salvatore Ferragamo Jr  Color commentary by Hugh Hefner
  • The Viagra-Cialis Erectile Dysfunction Bowl-Groton, Connecticut  Sponsor: Pfizer  Play by play: Michael Douglas  Color commentary by Charlie Sheen  CAUTION: Be sure to consult a physician if this game goes into overtime.

January 3rd:

  • The Sudafed Methamphetamine Bowl-Fort Washington, Pennsylvania  Sponsor: McNeil Laboratories, a Division of Johnson and Johnson  Play by play: Alex Gorsky  Color commentary by Michele Leonhart
  • The Florida Department of Corrections Incarceration Bowl-Tallahassee, Florida  Sponsor: The Florida Lottery  Play by play: Governor Rick Scott  Color commentary by George Zimmerman (we wish)

January 4th:

  • The Perazzi 28 Gauge Over and Under Bowl-Corpus Christi, Texas  Sponsors: Perazzi and Browning  Play by play: Dick Cheney  Color commentary by Harry Whittington
  • The American Family Neo-Fascist Bowl-Tupelo, Mississippi  Sponsors: The Tea Party/Hobby Lobby  Play by play: Tim Wildmon Color commentary by Bryan Fischer
  • The Very Excellent Laid-Back and Stress Free Bowl-Boulder, Colorado  Sponsor: NORML Play by play: Phil Lesh  Color commentary by Dr. Tim Leary (from the Great Beyond)

January 5th:

  • The Organophosphate Nerve Agent Bowl-Damascus, Syria  Sponsor: The Russian Republic  Play by play: Bashar al-Assad  Color commentary by Vladamir Putin
  • The Cruz-Bachmann Bowl For the Mentally Challenged-Stillwater Minnesota or Waterloo, Iowa  Sponsor: The Tea Party  Play by play: Senator Ted Cruz  Color commentary by Representative Michele Bachmann
  • The Benghazi Conspiracy and Cover-Up Bowl-Benghazi, Lybia Sponsor: Fox News  Play by play: Sean Hannity  Color commentary by Hillary Clinton

And the “grandaddy of them all” on January 8th:

  • The Obamacare DEATH PANEL Bowl-Washington, D.C. Sponsor: healthcare.gov  Play by play: Kathleen Sebeleius Color commentary by Satan, Prince of Darkness

Unfortunately a few bowls had to be canceled this year:

  • The Chevron Global Warming Bowl-The North Pole (Canceled due to inclement weather)
  • The Compassionate Conservative Bowl-Washington, D.C. (Canceled because of low attendance)
  • The Keith Olbermann Miscreant Bowl-New York, New York (Canceled due to low ratings)

We at the Cretonia Times-Picayune hope that this guide helps you in your quest to view or record as many football games as possible during the holiday season. Of course we believe that American football cannot compare with the beautiful game as played in the Barclay’s Premier League. We highly recommend it.