In early 2013 a Florida jury found these citizen-shooters innocent of wrongdoing because the black folks in question were illegally parked in a handicapped zone

JACKSONVILLE-The judge, jury, and many of the citizens of Cretonia were left in tears Tuesday after hearing Michael Dunn’s poignant testimony during his trial for the murder of 17-year-old Jordan Davis, who was shot to death by Dunn during an altercation at a gas station.

Dunn explained that he politely asked an SUV full of teenage blacks to “turn down their trashy jungle music so I could hear myself think.” The request led to a spirited debate between Dunn and what he called “that gang of thugs.” Dunn went on to explain that the group was hurling “hurtful epithets” and they sought to “disparage me and my girlfriend with slanderous lies and malignant untruths.” Dunn continued, “They cast aspersions on my character and tried to denigrate me in front of everyone at the 7-11. It began to be too much for me to bear. I felt the sting of their verbal attack all over my body. It was really beginning to hurt my feelings.”

According to witnesses, Dunn then began to empty “his nine” into the carload of unarmed kids. “I asked Rhonda for the bazooka but the dumb tart handed me one of our pistols instead. I felt I had no choice but to empty the entire ten-round clip into the SUV just to be on the safe side.” The driver of the aggrieved SUV managed to get moving at this point and “got the fuck out of there.”

Michael Dunn is a computer programmer and has only recently taken up the popular Cretonian pastime of gunning-down unarmed minority youths

Dunn testified that he then went back to his hotel with his fiancée Rhonda Rouer, ordered a pizza and watched an episode of Duck Dynasty before peacefully falling asleep. He did mention he had some stomach upset but attributed that to the pizza. He did not bother to alert the police of the incident because “hell, this is Florida and things like this happen every day.”

Mr. Dunn expressed absolutely no remorse for his actions but became quite emotional when he wondered aloud what would happen to his puppy if he were convicted. The dog, a 7 month old German Shepherd named Goebbels, is currently being cared for by members of his family.

Dunn’s attorney, an Italian gentleman named Diabolo Advocato, told reporters that Dunn was completely innocent of all charges because the “Stand Your Ground” law and the decision in the Trayvon Martin case made it clear that, in Florida at least, it was “open season” on unarmed teenage minorities. “I am confident that this jury will come back with the correct decision and set my client free,” said Advocato. The odor of sulfur hung in the air long after Mr. Advocato had left the podium.

Flowers and letters of support have been arriving at the courthouse and at Dunn’s home from people all over Florida. Fox News anchor Gretchen Carlson even took time off from promoting her small role in the latest bizarre and delusional Christian persecution flick to praise Dunn’s courage to take the stand in his own defense.

Mr. Advocato during closing arguments

Perhaps Dunn’s most fervent supporter has been Wayne LaPierre, President of the National Rifle Association. When reached for comment LaPierre stated, “We are all pulling for Mike. The only criticism I have of the situation is that the weapon of choice when blasting a carload of blacks is an AR-15 with an extended clip, or at the very least a military model automatic shotgun. Everyone knows that. But other than that, I have no complaints regarding Mr. Dunn’s actions.”

As mentioned above, the case has now gone to the jury and they are deliberating. No one knows how long they will be out or what the decision will be. However, in closing arguments Dunn’s lawyer did make it clear that if the jury came back with a guilty verdict “they would have hell to pay.”