Tag Archives: Tea Party

Christie Proves He’s Got What It Takes To Be Republican Nominee

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Most right-wing pundits and political strategists  believe that because of his recent actions regarding the Ebola non-crisis in the United States, New Jersey governor and Republican presidential candidate Chris Christie has proven his bona fides and will become the frontrunner in the race for the nomination.

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Coulter became so excited during her appearance on Hannity’s show that she used up almost 80% of her available fat reserves and required intravenous fluids in order to remain conscious

Celebrated Republican strategist Karl Rove told Sean Hannity during an appearance on his show that Christie “proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that he should be the frontrunner.”

“Governor Christie’s ability to deflect blame onto others during Bridgegate was positively Reaganesque, said Rove. “And by locking up that brave Ebola-fighting nurse he showed that he can act recklessly and with complete disregard for science, reason, and the opinions of experts. That’s exactly what we expect out of a Republican president. I think his future is bright indeed.”

Ann Coulter, rabid right wing pundit and concentration camp survivor, also appeared on Hannity’s show.

“Christie’s actions show a real lack of reasoning and restraint, and we’ve sorely missed that erratic and impulsive behavior over the last six years,” said Coulter. “His complete lack of compassion and empathy with health care workers desperately fighting to stop the Ebola epidemic shows that he can be a real prick and a giant horse’s ass, and that really turns me on!”

The nation’s most prominent horse’s ass, Bill O’Reilly, agreed with Rove and Coulter.

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America’s most prominent horse’s ass Bill O’Reilly told his decrepit viewers that “Christie has shown that he will act with reckless disregard for science and reason, and that makes him a candidate I can wholeheartedly support.”

O’Reilly told his elderly and weak-minded viewers that “I recognize a fellow horse’s ass when I see one, and Christie is one of the largest I’ve ever come across. Christie is a man who will act first and ask questions later, and that’s the kind of guy we need with his finger on the nuclear trigger.”

“I think Christie will be an articulate representative for our side in the upcoming election,” continued O’Reilly. “He’ll be able to express our policies of demonizing immigrants, gays, and poor black people in way that even the dumbest American will be able to relate to.”

The most recent polls of registered Republicans show that as a result of Christie’s recent hasty and uninformed decision-making, he has passed Texas Governor Rick Perry in popularity. Most of those being polled cited Perry’s low IQ as being a major stumbling block in the upcoming race. However, Perry continues to be the favorite among Tea Partiers and gun nuts.

 

 

 

Actor Ben Affleck To Undergo Surgery On Thursday

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A pensive Affleck reflects on what it must be like to be as intelligent as Sam Harris

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Ben Affleck is scheduled to have major surgery on Thursday to have his head removed from his ass in what doctors are calling “a last-ditch effort” to save the actor’s credibility. Affleck’s affliction, Colonhead Syndrome, has been spreading rapidly throughout the liberal landscape and has perverted the normally progressive and enlightened thinking of its victims.

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Affleck’s condition is said to extremely grave. Doctors are hopeful that he can be cured, as he is normally a lucid defender of liberal ideals and values.

Other prominent personalities currently suffering from the syndrome include journalist Glenn Greenwald and scholar Reza Aslan, author of the book Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth, an insightful work he completed before falling victim to the dread disease.

Symptoms of the syndrome include an inability to think clearly, failure to grasp nuanced arguments, and violent knee-jerk reactions when anyone criticizes any religion other than Christianity or Judaism. Irrational reactions have been observed to be particularly virulent when anyone dares to criticize Islam, with sufferers accusing the offending party of being a Neolithic Islamophobe, or a “genocidal fascist maniac.”

No one realized the extent of Affleck’s grave condition until his appearance on Bill Maher’s show Real Time last week. Affleck got into a heated debate with his host as well as Sam Harris, Maher’s featured guest, over the tenets of Islam and how the U.S. should deal with the murderous thugs from ISIS as well other bands of religious freaks who are bent on slaughtering all those who disagree with their interpretation of the Quran.

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Colonhead Syndrome is in the same family of afflictions as Horse’s Ass Disease, an ailment most commonly suffered by Fox News pundits.

Harris had little time to respond to Affleck’s ponderous criticisms because one symptom of Colonhead Syndrome is diarrhea of the mouth, which Affleck displayed during the entire show. Maher did his best to convince Affleck that Islam is as Harris put it, “the motherload of bad ideas” in the modern world, but he was having none of it, despite all evidence to the contrary.

Dr. John Bigboote and Dr. John Smallberries of Yoyodyne Laboratoris will lead the surgical team who will attempt to remove Affleck’s head from his colon on Thursday.

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Sadly, medical science has yet to come up with a treatment for many other diseases, such as the aptly named Dumb-As-A-Stump Disorder making the rounds on the far right.

“The team is hopeful that the surgery will be a success,” said Dr. Bigboote. “Greenwald and Aslan are clearly beyond all hope, but we think Affleck has a chance to lead a relatively normal life after we operate. We have had success in similar circumstances last year when we removed the entire upper torso from one climate change denier’s ass.”

“It would be a damn shame to lose Affleck, as he is normally so articulate and passionate when it comes to righteous causes,” continued Bigboote. “After all, to paraphrase Bill Maher, we are all liberals, and not a bunch of ignorant Tea Baggers. We should be able to debate the issues without resorting to their patented brand of intransigence and hysteria.”

The surgery is scheduled to take place at Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems’ headquarters in Grover’s Mill, N.J. at around 3 PM Eastern. It will be televised on MSNBC and the program will be hosted by Katie Couric, an expert on all things colon.

 

 

 

 

 

Laura Ingraham To Be Placed In Quarantine

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Conservative media personality Laura Ingraham speaks during the inaugural Freedom Summit meeting for conservative speakers in Manchester

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Radio talk show host and Fox News pundit Laura Ingraham has been detained and will be placed in quarantine facilities in Atlanta, according to Dave Daigle, a spokesman for the CDC. The action comes only two days after Ingraham blamed President Obama for the current cases of Ebola that have cropped up in the United States.

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Ingraham has for some time exhibited signs of instability, particularly when she discusses children or refugees from foreign lands.

On Wednesday’s edition of “The Laura Ingraham Show,” the child-hating anti-immigrant pundit made some despicably naive and misleading comments about President Barack Obama’s handling of the Ebola crisis, using faulty logic: even though President George W. Bush did more for Africa, Obama’s “familial connection with Africa” and compulsion to aid the impoverished region is much more dangerous.

Ingraham wants her listeners to believe that like every other problem in the known universe, the Ebola crisis is Obama’s fault.

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According to Daigle, Ingraham will be released “as soon as she poses no threat to the general public.”

At a press conference on the steps of the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, Daigle told reporters that Ingraham had exhibited symptoms of “pretzel logic, bigotry, and an inability to make any sense whatsoever” while on a national broadcast. “We just could not take the chance that Ingraham would spread the infection to her listeners,” said Daigle. “We already have enough conspiracy theory wing nuts running around the country as it is. God help us if she spreads the malady to even more dim witted Americans.”

Daigle stressed that the quarantine was “only a precaution,” and Ingraham would be placed on the same ward with Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann, who were already under observation.

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Ingraham will be placed on the same ward with Sarah Palin, who is suffering from some sort of persecution complex and thinks she is being followed by dozens of spiders with human heads.

“We just want to make damn sure that this special form of idiocy doesn’t spread, and we intend to ere on the side of caution, after all, a disease that threatens our ability to reason is just as deadly as Ebola or Dengue Fever to our national well being.”

As she was being transported into the facility in a straight-jacket Ingraham screamed at reporters that she was not insane. “I always make perfect sense! I’m not crazy! This is what you get when you let illegal immigrants into the country! All those kids should be shot!”

Ingraham’s audience of over 1200 listeners are expected to take the quarantine in stride and tune into Glenn Beck instead until she is released.

 

Dr. Phil Robertson And His Team Of Cretins Achieve Medical Research Breakthrough

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Medical researcher and well-known intellectual Dr. Phil Robertson announced an earth-shattering breakthrough made by his research team regarding the root causes of just about every disease that has plagued mankind since we were created a mere 6,000 years ago.

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Dr Robertson spoke with Perkins from his research facility located in a fetid swamp in Louisiana. It was formerly a hideout for Nazi physicians fleeing Europe in route to South America after WWII

The Duck Dynasty star thinks AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases are God’s punishment for immoral behavior such as ones that aren’t “one man one woman,” he said in a recent interview.

While promoting his new book unPHILtered: The Way I See It, Robertson spoke at length about what he called the “physiological downside to immorality” in an interview with Family Research Council president Tony Perkins’ radio program Washington Watch last week.

Robertson spoke to Perkins from his research facility located in a broken-down wooden shack located in the rapidly sinking fetid swamps of southern Louisiana.

“I mean, a great question to ask is ‘Why is it that all of these just—is this coincidental that viewing all of the immoral conduct that America now is participating in, I’ve asked a lot of people, Do you think it’s a coincidence that all of these debilitating — and literally, it can cause death — diseases follow that kind of conduct?” Robertson said.

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No stranger to controversy, Robertson has come under fire for some of his idiotic statements made during radio interviews in the past

“God says, ‘One woman, one man,’ and everybody says, ‘Oh, that’s old hat, that’s that old Bible stuff’ and I’m thinking well, let’s see now. A clean guy, a disease-free guy, and a disease-free woman, they marry and they keep their sex between the two of ‘em, uh, they’re not gonna get chlamydia and gonorrhea and syphilis and AIDS. It’s, it’s safe.”

Robertson concluded that such diseases from such behaviors are punishment from God.

“Now to me either it’s the wildest coincidence ever that horrible diseases follow immoral conduct,” he said, “or it’s God saying, ‘There’s a penalty for that kind of conduct.’ I’m leanin’ toward there’s a penalty toward it.”

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Robertson believes in a strict interpretation of Genesis, and thinks men once walked with the dinosaurs. He is a founding member of Ken Ham’s Creation Museum in the backwoods of Kentucky

But Robertson did not stop there. He informed Perkins that just about every disease on earth was a punishment from God for some sort of sin or affront to the all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving, and apparently bloodthirsty and savage deity.

“Polio is God’s punishment for too many organized sporting events,” said Robertson. “Melanoma is his punishment for Louis Réard’s invention of the bikini, and strokes are the direct result of reading too many books other than the Bible, and getting too smart.”

Robertson also said that irritable bowel syndrome could be linked to watching ungodly shows on television, and one should stick strictly to Fox News or faith-based programming such as Duck Dynasty or the The 700 Club.

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Although Robertson remains wildly popular with the intellectually underpowered crowd, he is not without his critics

Robertson told Perkins that all of these diseases could be cured by prayer and living a godly life.

“Doctors, hospitals, and medical research are all just a waste of time,” said Robertson. “If one wants to lead a long, healthy life, all you have to do is pray and spend an inordinate amount of time and money on the church of your choice, as long as it is one that I approve of.”

“Obamacare is definitely the work of Satan,” said Robertson. “We’re just wasting a bunch of money on poor people who could lead happy and healthy lives as long as they just stick to a set of rules and regulations laid down thousands of years ago by people who knew the value of stoning fags to death in the village square.”

Robertson closed by giving some advice to young people trying to make that all important decision that we all make at some point in our lives, namely, “Am I attracted to men or women?”

“So, you read in the Bible, you say well let’s see, ‘Well, it’s one man, one woman,’” he said. “Any logical person would say, what the guy is sayin’ is, that’d be me, is that if you wanna be safe from a lot of debilitating diseases, that’s the route to go. And it agrees with what God says so it’s just one argument after another, Tony, but what can I say all you can do is just show ‘em that and say, ‘Man, we ought to think about this Jesus stuff.’”

GOP Congressman From North Carolina Advocates A Return To The Middle Ages “Because Everything Just Made More Sense Back Then”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P)—At a recent town hall in Charlotte’s suburbs, North Carolina House Republican Robert Pittenger compared the right to fire LGBT workers to the right to smoke cigarettes on private property.

After assuring ThinkProgress that he “respects everyone” and “loves people,” Pittenger said he believes companies should have the right to fire or refuse to hire someone because of their sexual orientation or gender identity.

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Pittinger is an outspoken member of the “Know-Nothing” wing of the GOP, who believe that businesses are independent living entities whose civil rights should be respected over those of mere human beings

“You need to respect the autonomy of somebody running their business,” he said. “It’s like smoking bans. Do you ban smoking or do people have the right to private property? I think people have the right to private property. In public spaces, absolutely, we can have smoking bans. But we don’t want to micromanage people’s lives and businesses. If you have a business, do you want the government to come in and tell you you need to hire somebody? Why should government be there to impose on the freedoms we enjoy?”

Though North Carolina is one of 29 where bosses can still fire someone for being LGBT or merely perceived as such, Pittenger asserted: “I believe people are already protected.”

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Like many of his supporters on the Christian Right, Pittinger believes that gay and lesbian lives should be spared, but that they should be encouraged to change their sexual preference

The freshman congressman said that’s why he is opposed to passing the Employee Non-Discrimination Act, known as ENDA for short, which would make it illegal for companies and unions to hire, fire, promote, or compensate people differently based on sexual orientation or gender identity. The protections in the bill—which passed the Senate around a year ago—would not apply to religious organizations, members of the armed forces, or companies with fewer than 15 employees.

Pittenger is also a strong advocate of abolishing the child labor laws, which would allow children to be put to work as soon as they are able to walk.

“Who is the federal government to tell a businessman that he can’t use ‘little people’ to mine his coal, or work in his sweatshops?” queried Pittenger, who graduated from the Jay Gould College of Unfettered Capitalism with a major in Plantation Systems.

“The founding fathers were wise enough not to make a big stink over things like slavery and dangerous working conditions, so why should we?” said Pittenger, while nervously fiddling with his trademark bullwhip.

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Pittenger warned his audience that until America “wised-up” and abolished the silly and restrictive child labor laws we would never be able to compete with the rest of the world

Pittenger—who is running unopposed—isn’t likely to have the chance to cast a yea or nay vote on the legislation anytime soon, as House Speaker John Boehner has said there is “no way” he will bring it to the floor for debate.

Earlier this year, President Obama signed an executive order extending employment protections to LGBT workers for all companies with federal government contracts. The new regulations will reach over one million LGBT workers across the country, but millions of people in North Carolina and across the country remain unprotected.

As many as 43 percent of lesbian, gay, and bisexual people and 90 percent of transgender people have experienced some form of harassment or discrimination in the workplace, but what else would one expect in our “Christian” nation?

Sunshine State Shocker: Federal Law Enforcement Authorities Manage To Do Something Useful

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ORLANDO-Citizens of the “Sunshine State” were left stunned this week after federal law enforcement agents took time off from drug-interdiction duties long enough to round up a group of miscreants in central Florida’s Osceola County. In a shocking deviation from the norm, federal agents participated in a well planned and effective sting operation that netted around a dozen members of a white supremacist group, “The American Front.”

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Marcus “Tyrannus” Paella, Obersturmfuhrer and trailer owner

The U.S. Justice Department has long considered central Florida a hotbed for white supremacist recruiting. A spokesman for the FBI, Corporal Robert ‘Bat’ Guano, stated that “We keep a close eye on central and northwest Florida because of the low average IQ of its citizenry. It’s really easy for a charismatic leader to convince these idiots that all sorts of weird conspiracy theories are actually true. They actually believe what they hear from Fox News pundits and Tea Party candidates. Combine that with the native population’s hatred of minorities and love of firearms and you have a volatile combination.”

Over the weekend FBI and ATF agents posed as rodeo clowns in an operation code-named “Roundup” that took place at a barbecue and picnic held at the American Front HQ in rural Osceola County. The headquarters consists of a modified 1986 vintage mobile home and an above ground swimming pool (stocked with catfish) resting at the center of around ten acres of partially wooded property.

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Christopher “Scrotum Face” Brooks

The agents cleverly ingratiated themselves by entertaining kids at the event while the adults were attending mandatory automatic-weapons drills and a grenade-toss contest. The miscreant offspring were treated to traditional Cretonian children’s games such as “pin the crime on the nigger,” “kick the Jew into the minefield,” and “beat on the fag with a baseball bat.”

After a laid back afternoon of barbecue, draft beer, and plotting the overthrow of the U.S. government, the group members were surprised to learn the clowns they had hired to entertain the kiddies were actually highly trained undercover agents from the FBI, DEA, and ATF.

“We certainly did surprise them,” said Special Agent Matt Helm, of the Orlando Field Office of the FBI. “We recovered AK-47’s, grenades, night vision equipment, and a lab apparently set up to manufacture the nerve agent ricin, among other things.” Agent Helm was quick to point out that there was no threat of a chemical weapons stockpile in the area because all the group had managed to manufacture so far was a particularly impure batch of methamphetamine.

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Richard “Swamp Nazi” Stockdale

Local law enforcement officials were not surprised at the haul of illegal weapons and drugs. They have expressed concerns about the group and had plans to infiltrate it. However, they have been consistently thwarted by county and state elected officials who depend on under-the-table cash donations from the American Front and other right-wing groups for both their campaigns and vacations to Bangkok. It seems the Justice Department had to get involved to get anything done, as is so often the case in Florida.

Arrested were Marcus and Patricia Faella, Christopher Brooks, Richard Stockdale, Kent McLellan, Diane Stevens, and ten other group members. They have been charged with a wide variety of crimes ranging from plotting to overthrow the federal government to bestiality involving unwilling miniature goats.

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Diane “Hepatitis C” Stevens

According to court documents the group had planned to cause “some kind of disturbance” at the Orlando city hall building, and were also looking forward to the yearly counter-protest of May Day activities this spring.

The property on which the American Front headquarters stands was found to be honey-combed with mysterious tunnels leading nowhere. Sandbags and railroad ties were stacked in defensive positions around the trailer and swimming pool area. The trailer itself was riddled with holes caused by inaccurate machine gun fire from the mandatory weapons training sessions. There were also gaping holes in the walls of the trailer that authorities believe are meant to be rifle ports but could just be caused by rats.

Marcus and Patricia Faella were released after posting one million dollars bond. As is usually the case, their henchmen were left to rot in jail.

Editor’s Note: This article was reprinted from January 8th of this year because I am feeling too damn lazy to write today. Besides, I have to repair a leaky toilet before it falls into the crawlspace and releases hundreds of giant hostile scorpions from the depths. I have not bothered to check on the status of any of these morons, but knowing Florida they are probably still walking around free and are planning on hopping the next Greyhound to Murphy-if they can read, that is.

GOP Candidate Warns Of ‘Homosexual Reign Of Terror’

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) –  Gordon Klingenschmitt, a Republican nominee for the Colorado state house, sent out an e-mail alert over the weekend that stated that Rep. Jared Polis (D-CO) wanted to execute Christians, reported Right Wing Watch.

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The photogenic Klingenschmidt was featured on the cover of the children’s book “How To Recognize Pedophiles From A Distance”

The alert warned Coloradans and all U.S. citizens that Polis and his pals in the “international homosexual cabal” represented a “clear and present danger” to our representative republic and to Christians all over the globe.

“The openly homosexual Congressman Jared Polis (D-CO) introduced a revised bill to force Christian employers and business owners to hire and promote homosexuals with ZERO RELIGIOUS EXEMPTIONS for Christians who want to opt out.”

Heath Campbell who gave his children Nazi-inspired names including Adolf Hitler lost custody after a state appeals court ruled that a history of domestic violence puts the children at risk of abuse and neglect.

Klingenshmitt is the eldest son of Joseph and Magda Klingenschmitt of Munich, as seen here in this colorized photo from their wedding album

“Polis ‘wants sexual orientation and gender identity treated the same way as race, religion, sex, and national origin, when it comes to employment protections,’ claims the Advocate, under the headline ‘Polis trims ENDA’s religious exemption.’”

“The open persecution of Christians is underway. Democrats like Polis want to bankrupt Christians who refuse to worship and endorse his sodomy. Next he’ll join ISIS in beheading Christians, but not just in Syria, right here in America,” the email said.

Because he was unwilling to face journalists and actually answer embarrassing questions about the email, Klingenschmitt released a five-hour video that explained his theory concerning the worldwide gay conspiracy to execute anyone who does not approve of sodomy.

The video went into great detail about how a shadowy group of male stylists, interior designers, and producers of Broadway musicals got together after the faked lunar landings in the late 60’s and early 70’s and laid out a long-range strategy for world domination.

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In his spare time Klingenschmitt entertains children at birthday parties held in the crawlspace under his home

In the video Klingenschmitt explains that now that it is legal for openly gay individuals to hold office, phase one of the heinous conspiracy is complete.

“Phase two of the their nefarious plan calls for a ‘Reign of Terror’ on Christians that would make Robespierre’s efforts look like child’s play,” said Klingenschmitt. “It is only a matter of time before we see the faithful’s heads on pikes up and down main street America!”

The video did not explain how a nation in which 77% of the population considers itself Christian will be overwhelmed and terrorized by the less than 2% of the population that is openly gay, but Klingenschmitt said it would be similar to the atheists’ successful obliteration of the once popular Christmas holiday we all remember.

Republican and Democratic leaders in Colorado, along with anyone else who has an IQ over 55 denounced Klingenschmitt’s email and his video, which was distributed less than a week after Islamic State jihadists released a film that showed the beheading of kidnapped U.S. journalist James Foley.

 

Astronauts Bachmann, Gohmert And King Tapped For 2016 Mission To Mars

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – NASA Administrator Charles Bolden announced today that the long-awaited choice of astronauts for the unprecedented manned mission to Mars has finally been made. Representative Michel Bachmann (R-MN) will command the mission, Representative Louie Gohmert (R-TX) will be Payload Specialist and Representative Steve King (R-IA) will be Flight Engineer for the 2 1/2 year round trip.

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The crew of simpletons will be required to do little more than popping the hatch and planting an American flag on the surface of Mars before getting back in the spacecraft and playing checkers for 18 months while they wait for the return launch window.

The choice of astronauts for the mission has been delayed several times over the past six months and has been a source of consternation within NASA and other Federal agencies. Bolden placed blame for the delays on the stringent physical and psychological requirements needed to make the long and boring mission a success.

Bolden told reporters that the length of the mission presented a great many challenges to the crew, as well as to Mission Control in Houston.

“The spacecraft is so advanced that it can basically fly itself, so our main concern was just what type of crew we wanted to man this thing,” said Bolden.

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Bachmann was thrilled to be named commander of the first manned mission to Mars

“We have several critical challenges that the astronauts will have to surmount during the Mars expedition: isolation and monotony, distance-related communication delays with the Earth, leadership issues, group interaction, and cultural misunderstandings and political differences within the crew,” said Bolden.

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NASA engineers had to totally re-work the payload capabilities of the spacecraft when Bachmann insisted on bringing along a granite copy of the Ten Commandments so that “The people of Mars will be reminded to abide by God’s will.”

“Because of these dilemmas, we sought out a crew that is basically composed of people who are barely intelligent enough to drive automobiles here  on earth,” Bolden said.

“That way, all we have to do is say something like, ‘Push the bright red blinking button now, Michelle,’ Or, ‘Time to dump the waste now Louie,’ or ‘STEVE! Put your fucking helmet on before popping the hatch this time!’  in order to get these twits to Mars alive and in one piece.”

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The crew cabin of the Mars spacecraft had to be redesigned in order to accommodate Representative Gohmert’s pet goat Snowball. For many years he has refused to go anywhere without her.

“Their almost total inability to reason or engage in critical thought will prevent them from getting bored and going insane on the long trip. After all, the three of them have spent years in Congress without doing anything constructive, so we think that they will hold up just fine playing checkers and talking amongst themselves about illegal immigrants, gay marriage, Benghazi, and Obamacare for almost 30 months straight.”

“We feel that the fact that none of these people ever come up with any ideas or attitudes that were not around during the Middle Ages, and their almost total homogeneity on important issues confronting the world today, will allow them to avoid arguments and petty disputes that could lead to disaster among a more intelligent flight crew,” said Bolden.

Unfortunately for the crew the mission means that they will all have to, temporarily at least, retire from politics.

“It’s a sacrifice that we feel is well worth it,” said Bachmann. “All three of us feel that we will be greeted as liberators and heroes by the oppressed people of Mars. After all, no human beings have been there since the Apollo program. It will be interesting to see what progress they have made since then.”

Perhaps the happiest man on earth when the choice of crew was announced was Speaker of the House John Boehner. As he was exiting Golden Tan and Massage in Georgetown today he told reporters “Thank God those morons won’t be around for the presidential election. We can’t afford to look like idiots again in 2016.”

 

 

 

NRA Advocates Open Carry Permits For The Blind And Mentally Deranged

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CJ “Buttplug” Grisham, president and CEO of Open Carry Texas, came out in favor of issuing gun permits to the blind, the mentally deranged, and people suffering from advanced Alzheimer’s.

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Although most Americans are no longer surprised by the idiotic policy positions taken by gun advocate groups such as the NRA, the public was somewhat taken aback this week when the powerful and apparently unhinged organization came out in favor of issuing “open carry” permits to blind people.

Earlier this week, a commentator for NRA News raised eyebrows with a video making the case for letting the blind and other inappropriate groups of people legally carry guns in public. Most Americans don’t agree, a new HuffPost/YouGov poll shows.

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Open Carry Texas has long advocated issuing open carry permits to psychotics and the criminally insane

In fact, only 23 percent of Americans said it should be legal for the blind to own guns at all, while 51 percent said it should be illegal. Democrats (62 percent to 12 percent) and independents (50 percent to 25 percent) were more likely to oppose allowing the blind to own guns.

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If the NRA gets its way, even Alzheimer’s patients will be issued permits to carry automatic weapons

Republicans, being Republicans, showed less wisdom on the issue and were fairly evenly split, with 33 percent in favor, 34 percent opposed and 33 percent not sure. Which begs the question, how can one not be sure whether a fucking blind person should be allowed to own a gun?

Even fewer Americans said the blind should be able to obtain permits to carry guns in public.

Only 16 percent said they support open-carry permits for the blind, while 66 percent said they were opposed. Seventy-seven percent of Democrats, and 63 percent of independents said they were against it. Even Republicans showed a modicum of common sense on the issue, with 55 percent saying they were against allowing the blind to carry guns outside the home.

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Creepy NRA Vice President Vincent “Price” Magillicuddy, who refuses to leave the safety of his underground bunker, wholeheartedly agrees with LaPierre’s proposals. Magillicuddy, who was a ventriloquist before serving a stint in an insane asylum in Great Britain, lives with his cancerous cat Toby and only communicates through a life-like doll named Simon.

However, what may be most disturbing to the sane members of the American public is that the video also called for the government to issue free open carry permits to mental patients, Alzheimer’s sufferers, teens, children and even toddlers, as long as they were white. The NRA seemed to draw a line at allowing infants, black people, Hispanics, or other minorities to own or carry guns.

NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre told a gathering of reporters that “The only thing that insures the future of our fragile republic is advanced weaponry in the hands of ordinary citizens, and we don’t want to discriminate against any people we are not already discriminating against. Therefore we advocate issuing permits basically for anyone who has a pulse and is white.”

When a reporter told LaPierre that gun fatalities will surpass even automobile accidents as the number one cause of accidental death in America over the next few years, LaPierre said, “You don’t actually believe those statistics do you?”

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An NRA splinter group, Nuns With Guns, has pushed for open carry permits across the U.S. for over a decade now. It seems that pulling a rifle or assault weapon from under a habit takes “too damn much time.” Sally Field, spokesperson for the group, told Times-Picayune reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that “When confronted with someone who needs to meet Jesus in person, reaction time is critical.”

“Those misleading figures have been compiled by the same homosexual scientists that are part of the worldwide conspiracy to convince us that the climate is changing. Those cretins are out to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. It’s a travesty!”

Although the demands of the NRA will almost assuredly not be met on a national basis, the organization is optimistic that individual state governments will be stupid and foolhardy enough to go along. Iowa has already begun issuing gun permits to the blind, and states such as Texas and Georgia have embraced a “guns for anyone who can hold one in his demented hand” policy.

“We feel like that through a combination of well placed bribes, political pressure, and out and out blackmail, we can pressure weak minded Tea Party states into accepting our absurd and dangerous proposals,” said LaPierre.

On a related note, Walmart announced that it has bought over five million Kevlar vests from China that will be on sale soon at discounted prices throughout the southeast.

 

 

God Distances Himself From ‘Idiots’ On Alabama Public Service Commission

Posted in environment, humor, politics, religion by

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – During a brief layover in Atlanta (God always flies Delta) Almighty God expressed his displeasure with recent statements coming out of the slightly unhinged and highly political Alabama Public Service Commission.

God told reporters gathered in the intergalactic concourse that “I wish to make my position crystal clear on this subject. I want nothing to do with those idiots, pay no attention to them whatsoever.”

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God told reporters that maybe the Alabama PSC should be trying a little harder to “clean up their act” and encourage the development of alternative energy sources considering coal mining’s track record and the threat it poses to the environment

God was referring to recent statements made by Twinkle Andress Cavanaugh, president of the commission, and commissioner-elect Chip Beeker. Cavanaugh called on the people of the state to ask for God’s intervention against the Obama administration’s proposed reduction in carbon emissions that is expected to heavily impact coal-fired plants responsible for massive amounts of greenhouse gas emissions. Cavanaugh asked citizens to pray for the failure of the EPA crackdown on pollution.

“I hope all the citizens of Alabama will be in prayer that the right thing will be done,” she said.

Beeker also made comments about the regulations while invoking the name of God. He told reporters that coal was created in Alabama by God, and the federal government should not enact policy that runs counter to “God’s plan.”

“Who has the right to take what God’s given a state?” he said.

coalmine2This is not the first time the Alabama PSC has tried to recruit God for political purposes. Last year a Baptist minister spoke at a meeting of the commission. The minister was a friend of Cavanaugh’s of course.

The minister, John Jordan of East Memorial Baptist Church in Prattville, Ala., who is also a member of the Alabama Tea Party, began his prayer by polling those present to see who believed in God. Then he went on to pray for a number of things, including forgiveness from God for the sins of abortion and gay marriage.

“We’ve taken you [God] out of our schools and out of our prayers,” Jordan intoned. “We have murdered your children. We’ve said it’s okay to have same-sex marriage. We have sinned and we ask once again that you forgive us for our sins.”

coalmine3While at Hartsfield God told reporters that “There is a reason for the separation of church and state. Do they really need to be talking about this crap when they were elected to oversee utilities and make sure that the citizens of Alabama are not ripped off? What the hell are these twits thinking?”

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God told reporters that “If those religious zealots on the PSC don’t start doing their job instead of playing politics by bringing my name into it, they’ll get a taste of divine retribution courtesy of my left foot.”

God continued, “And another thing, coal is a fossil fuel formed when peat is altered physically and chemically. This process is called “coalification.” During coalification, peat undergoes several changes as a result of bacterial decay, compaction, heat, and time. In short, the coal in Alabama was formed by decaying plant matter over a period of millions of years. Every high school graduate should know this. I just didn’t get up one day and say ‘Wow, those folks in Alabama deserve some coal. I think I’ll bury some deep under ground for them to mine and burn so they can run their dishwashers.”

“What a bunch of dullards. I guess the citizens of Alabama are getting what they deserve. Who the hell elects a woman named ‘Twinkle’ anyway?”

God closed the presser by saying, “I appreciate you guys coming out here and having to go through all that idiotic TSA bullshit. I know what a pain in the ass it is. Now I’ve got to scoot. I have an audience scheduled with Pope Francis at eleven.”