Tag Archives: Tea Party

Bachmann Cancels Remaining Debates With Banjo

Posted in humor, politics by
bachman5

Bachmann often looked like the proverbial “deer-in-the-headlights” during her first two debates with Banjo

 

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – A spokesman for the Bachmann 2016 Campaign, who wished to remain anonymous, told our crack investigative journalist Bruce “The Coyote” Becker this morning that Michele Bachmann will be canceling the three remaining debates she had scheduled with Banjo, a 14-year-old terrier living in the Murphy, N.C. area.

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During the last debate Bachmann’s blood pressure rose so sharply she had a minor CVA

The series of five debates, taking place in public forums around the southeast, was meant to have been a warm up for the upcoming presidential campaign in 2016.

“Our plan was to start Michele out debating someone her own speed, such as a dog or cat, so that she could gain confidence and sharpen her debating skills, before moving up to greater challenges such as gorillas, chimpanzees, and finally eighth graders,” said the spokesman.

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For years Banjo has been renowned for his grasp of the facts and his fierce debating skills.

However, things went awry when Banjo soundly spanked Bachmann in the first debate on the topic of healthcare in the United States.

“Michele took that defeat in stride,” said the spokesman, “because she is so used to having her ass handed to her during town meetings and in the halls of Congress. But when Banjo absolutely blew her away in the second debate, Michele just turned into a quivering mass of protoplasm.”

banjo88

Although Banjo’s great-great grandfather, Cosmo de Santa Anna crossed the border illegally, he eventually gained his citizenship and used his savage and aggressive skills in debate to launch a successful political career. He served three terms as mayor of San Antonio

It seems that the topic of the second debate, immigration, is particularly close to Banjo’s heart because some of his ancestors crossed the border illegally from the Mexican state of Chihuahua. Despite this handicap, many have gone on to win “Best In Breed” at the Westminster Dog Show.

“Banjo just ripped her a new asshole,” continued the spokesman. “He pointed out that without immigrants America would be ‘just another half-assed banana republic with all the diversity of homogenized milk.'”

According to the transcript of the debate, Banjo pummeled Bachmann with statistics illuminating just how hard-working immigrants are, be they legal or illegal.

“Who the hell do you think picks all those vegetables and fruits you shove down your gullet at taxpayer’s expense during all those Washington parties, Bachmann?” said Banjo in one exchange.

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Banjo, disgusted with the lackluster quality of his competition, told his manager Jerry Dickerson: “That woman is as dumb as a box of rocks. Wake my ass up when you come up with a worthy opponent. I’m sick of these dullards like Sean and Michele who couldn’t debate their way out of a poop bag.”

The spokesman said that Bachmann had gone into some sort of fugue state precipitated by fear of the upcoming debate on foreign policy.

“Foreign policy is a subject about which Michele knows next to nothing,” said our anonymous source. “The last time she was asked to point out Iraq on a map she pointed to Australia. We just can’t risk another embarrassing thrashing by a canine.”

“I have advised Michele to forget about the idea of debate altogether, and leave that to the candidates with an IQ over 65. Instead she needs to stick to ideas that she can grasp, like her plan to put giant granite memorials listing the Ten Commandments on every town square in America, and her unhinged idea on how to solve the border crisis by taxing remittances 100%.”

“These concepts will stand her in good stead with her base, which includes all those simpletons in the Tea Party who cannot spell worth a fuck,” our source said.

Although Bachmann is a perennial favorite among the uneducated, she will face fierce competition from other dolts in the Republican party such as Sarah Palin, Ted Cruz, and Louie Gohmert, who will all be vying for the ignorant homophobic cretin vote in 2016.

“MOVE BITCH, Get Out The Way!”

Posted in humor, politics by

sarah-palin-1

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Please God someone get this woman to SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I’ve seen grown men rip their own heads off in order to avoid listening to her patented and unique brand of stupid.

She is running neck and neck in the moron department with that other “glittering jewel of colossal ignorance”, Michele Bachmann, and that takes an extraordinary amount of incoherence.

There is a special place in Hell awaiting John McCain for dragging this monster out of the wilds of Alaska and putting her in front of a bloody camera! Why doesn’t he advocate bombing this creature? That’s his standard solution to every other problem.

Oh, the humanity!

GET OUT THE WAY BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY!

Republican House Unable To Determine When To Go To The Toilet

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Republican all white male leadership

MicheleBachmannBlack

Surprisingly, the normally dim-witted Michele Bachmann was the only Republican House member to successfully urinate during the whole debate

SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – The Republican controlled House of Representatives begrudgingly admitted yesterday that no one could make a concrete decision on when the Caucus would be allowed a restroom break. The homogenous white male leadership was seen clutching their crotches in obvious discomfort as they milled aimlessly about the chamber.

Coming on the heels of the “do nothing” delegation’s inability to pass even its own version of a watered down bill to deal with the border crisis, the inability of the Republicans to agree on when to urinate could prove disastrous in this fall’s elections.

When questioned about  the apparent disorganization and incompetence displayed by the right-wingers, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) replied, “This disaster should highlight to the American people the utter failure of Obamacare to provide adequate healthcare to the nation’s most important citizens. The fact that we have not been provided with catheters so we can bitch and moan 24 hours a day without interruption (except when on our five-week vacation) is just unforgivable and shows a horrible lack of leadership and a willingness to obstruct on the President’s part.”

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When Tea Party members of the caucus wrested control of the House from the moderates, they dug out the old restroom signs from storage and had them re-posted

At a press conference at the White House later the President responded, “If the Republican House can’t even pass urine successfully, how the hell are they going to pass a border bill? This is not a disagreement between me and the House Republicans, this  is a disagreement between House Republicans and House Republicans. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was watching an episode of ‘Real Morons of Capitol Hill’ rather than our government in action.”

During the debacle the only member of the Republican Caucus to successfully make the trek to the restroom and back was Michele Bachmann, who later told reporters that the entire mess was a plot by Obama to conduct heinous medical experiments on House members by seeing how long they could hold their urine. “I wasn’t born yesterday,” said Bachmann. “I’m too damn smart to fall for a trick like that!”

 

‘Coalition Of Rabid White Bitches’ Joins Growing Band Of Protesting Border Bumpkins

Posted in humor, politics, religion by

angrywhitewomen

SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – The activist group Rabid White Bitches announced today that it intended to join the ragtag army of reactionary miscreants lurking around the Texas-Mexico border. The addition of the organization to the border area boosts the number of seething hate-filled xenophobic groups to over two dozen.

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President of Rabid White Bitches Susan Madsen is a part-time executioner for the State of Arizona.

“We realized that we were just not getting enough coverage screaming and foaming at the mouth in downtown Dallas,” said Susan “Stark Raving” Madsen. “We had to get our butts down to the border where the action is. That way we can hurl racist insults directly at those vile young kids. Hopefully we can eventually get close enough to spit on those little brown vermin.”

Rabid White Bitches joins The Fellowship of Christian Racists, the Sexual Minutemen, the Federation of Xenophobic Hillbillies, the South Texas Chapter of the Tea Party Patriotic Apple-Knockers Society, Open Disease Carrying Texans, and the Texas Goat Fanciers Association as well as several other groups vying for this year’s Medieval Abomination Award.

“We really think that our hysterical screaming and cursing, combined with our superior endurance, gives a real shot at winning the competition,” said Madsen, as she wiped spittle off her chin with a tobacco-stained shirtsleeve.

“We just can’t risk letting desperate innocent children into the United States. They could be harboring all types of deadly diseases and conditions like scurvy, beriberi, Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome, leprosy, Ebola, Black Plague, untreatable tuberculosis, acid reflux, hemorrhoids, erectile dysfunction, or even the dreaded toenail fungus.”

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Madsen told reporters that if Jesus were at the border he would gladly jump in and prevent “those underage scum” from breaking international law by seeking help from the richest country on earth.

“This whole situation is President Obama’s fault,” continued Madsen. “If he was running this country in accordance with Biblical principles the way the founders intended, then we wouldn’t have a border problem. Do you think that for one instant that Jesus would tolerate all these kids breaking the law by peaceably turning themselves in to border agents? No sir! I feel confident that if Jesus were here today he would take a break from stoning  fags and atheists to death long enough to come down here and man one of our machine guns, after all, some of these kids could turn out to be gay!”

Franklin “Blue Balls” Bates, president of the South Texas Amateur Gynecologist’s League wholeheartedly agreed with Madsen. “God hates immigrants, and he downright despises illegal immigrants, especially brown ones,” said Bates. “There’s nothing that irritates God more than a bunch of whining children trying to escape rampant violence and soul-crushing poverty.”

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Most right-wing groups think that the most compassionate and humane thing to do for the kids of Central America is to erect a Soviet style Berlin Wall along our border topped with deadly electrified razor wire

“Franklin is correct,” said Charles “Baby-Crusher” Paisely, who is in charge of recruiting for the Texas Association of Fascist Sympathizers. “If God had intended for these little bastards to live in the United States, he would have put them here in the very beginning, just like us white people.”

The tide of young kids seeking refuge at the border shows no signs of ebbing anytime soon, and the crisis is likely to get worse before it gets better. However, most of the narrow-minded provincials protesting along the border are optimistic that something will go terribly wrong and they will get a chance to use overwhelming firepower against the pre-pubescent scourge from south of the border.

When a reporter asked how any person with an ounce of compassion could possibly mow down a group of innocent children weak from malnutrition, a sentry for the Daughters of the Spanish Inquisition replied, “Easy, you just don’t lead them as much!”

 

 

Research Reveals An Alarmingly High Rate Of Illiteracy Within The Tea Party

Posted in humor, politics, religion by

illiterate11

misspelled-tea-party-signTHE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) -New research conducted by the Center for Sanity in Politics has revealed that over 40% of Tea Party members are functionally illiterate and a significant percentage of the rest of party exhibit the reading comprehension skills of third graders. The inability of many of the right-wing political organization’s activists to manufacture even the most simple signage was once thought to be an aberration resulting in a humorous display of “Teabonics.” But tragically it now seems to be representative of the group as a whole.

05_Flatbed_WEB - MARCH“What we found was truly shocking,” said Dr. Frank Black, director of research at CSP. “However, with the advantage of hindsight I suppose we really should have expected these results.”

misspelled9“After all, the Tea Party appeals to the basest of mankind’s instincts. You can’t expect a political party based on a Frankenstein’s monster  stitched-together from debunked economic theories, irrational xenophobia, racial hatred, and medieval religious superstition to be overflowing with intellectuals. The party is little more than a small army of dullards brimming with rage against change and enlightened policy of any sort. They basically run around the countryside terrified of fire and science and blame anything they perceive as a problem on our current president, no matter how ridiculous those assertions might be.”

“Most Tea Partiers show a disturbing lack of knowledge of basic civics and their grasp of history appears to come out of some comic book published by Bill O’Reilly or Sean Hannity,” said Dr. Black. “Propaganda outlets such as Fox News and right-wing radio hosts only serve to further fan the flames of ignorance and hatred among these folks.”

misspell4Similar and even more shocking results were found when researchers investigated the Christian Right.

misspell77misspelled8A recent YouGov poll has found that over sixty percent of self-proclaimed conservative Christians are unable to comprehend what they read. The poll was conducted July 1-2 among 1,000 U.S. adults using a sample selected from YouGov’s opt-in online panel to match the demographics and other characteristics of the adult U.S. population. The poll asked “what would Jesus do?” on a wide range of political issues such as health care, gun control, climate change, and taxes.

misspelled11Only 23 percent of Republicans believe Jesus would support healthcare for all.

“I was sick and you looked after me….I tell you the truth, whatever you do the least of my brothers, you also do for me,” Jesus said.

misspelled15“Whatever,” say the Christian Right.

The Bible makes it clear Jesus was a Marxist before Marxism had a name. He distrusted the rich. “It’s easier for a camel to walk through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter Heaven,” forewarned Jesus. The credo of the Beatitudes demonstrated Jesus saw the world in terms of class struggle. “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are the meek, for they shall possess the earth.”

misspelled1But only 18 percent of Republicans believe Jesus would support higher taxes on the rich; taxes that benefit the funding of the common good – schools, hospitals, and safety nets for those the capitalist machine leaves downtrodden.

It seems the decline of the mainstream church has apparently allowed the Christian Right to misuse the Gospel to champion unfettered capitalism. For Republicans, “prosperity theology” has replaced the Beatitudes. In this Ayn Randian philosophy, God rewards the faithful with material wealth.

misspelled14On guns, 68 percent of Democrats believe Jesus would support stricter gun laws, whereas only 28 percent of Republicans think likewise.  Swords of the first century were the guns of today. “Put your sword back into its place. For all who take the sword will perish by the sword,” said Jesus. (Matthew 26:52)

On other issues, 9 percent of Republicans said Jesus would support gay marriage, and 6 percent of Republicans said he would support legalized abortion. Forty-three percent said he would support the death penalty for murderers.

misspelled16“The response of right-wing ‘Christians,’ the Tea Party and Republicans in general to the recent influx of kids fleeing abject poverty and violence in their home countries illustrates as nothing else could the hypocrisy inherent in a political movement that lacks the very compassion it is supposedly based upon,” said Dr. Black. ”

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Tea Partiers and those on the Christian Right might do well to take some of their own advice to heart

“Consider Matthew 25:31-46 where Jesus said, ‘For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ What is it about that statement that these cretins do not understand?”

“What is truly alarming about all this is that the Christian Right seems unable to comprehend, or a shows a blatant willingness to ignore, the very book that they base their religion upon,” said Dr. Black. “It is even more alarming that these people believe that our country was founded on these principles and all Americans should be ruled by them. We should all keep a close watch on this vocal minority of ill-informed and uneducated creatures, for the good of the country and ourselves, lest we one day wake up in some sort of dystopian theocratic oligarchy.”

 

FAA Bans Flights Into Houston After Open Carry Texas Takes Delivery On Russian Buk Missile System

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buk

After passing through customs in New Orleans, the few members of the organization who had valid licenses took turns driving the vehicle to the Texas Gulf Coast where it was test fired

 

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – The FAA has banned all flights into and out of Houston’s Hobby and Bush Intercontinental Airports, citing the presence of dangerous Russian-made anti-aircraft missile batteries in the general area.

Redneck-Guns-

The president of Open Carry Texas, C. J. “Small Schlong” Grisham, (seen here relaxing in his bunker) told Fox News that the new missile system would not be used until the outbreak of the inevitable race war in America, or if it became apparent that refugee kids were catching flights into the U.S. via Mexico City.

The airspace in Houston extending out up to 100 miles was closed yesterday after authorities were informed that the pro 2nd Amendment group “Open Carry Texas,” better known to the rest of the country as “A Confederacy of Dunces,” had acquired a Russian army surplus Buk missile system and it had been driven to the nearby Gulf Coast for “testing and training.”

“We’ve all seen what one of these missile systems can do when in the hands of a bunch of drunken Russian rednecks,” said a spokesman for the FAA. “We see no reason to believe that the outcome would be any different when the system is manned by a bunch of our very own drunken rednecks. We decided to err on the side of caution, and we apologize for any inconvenience to air travelers,” said the spokesman.

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A crack team of professionals from Open Carry are testing and training on the new air-defense system

During an appearance on the Sean Hannity Show, the president of Open Carry Texas, C.J. “Small Schlong” Grisham protested that Open Carry Texas was a peaceful organization dedicated to the “exercise and protection of our 2nd Amendment rights, rights that are in danger of being revoked by the Obama administration and the worldwide conspiracy to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids through the heinous use of flouride in our nation’s water supply.”

“It’s only a matter of time before we see foreigners in blue helmets marching up Pennsylvania Avenue,” said Grisham, as he chugged a glass of refreshing rainwater and pure grain alcohol.

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The team of simpletons from Open Carry conducted tests of the system on a public beach packed with vacationing families

Testing of the new system went ahead without the benefit of a team of Russian instructors sent by the Putin administration. The Russian advisers, who had the formidable task of training a bunch of borderline imbeciles to operate an advanced air-defense system, were detained after trashing a bar at the Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport.

The Russian team apparently got out of control after imbibing an entire case of Don Cossack Vodka.

“Them Russkies sure know how to party!” said Daisy Airhead, a barmaid at the Drunken Bull Cattle Company on the international concourse. “They was taking off their shirts and doing some kinda crazy dance on top of the bar and all the tables. They was jumpin’ up and down like Messican jumpin’ beans! One of them promised to marry me after they get out of jail. I can’t wait!”

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Minuteman founder Jim “Shrunken Sack” Gilchrist is a strong supporter of the patriots at Open Carry and has offered his support for more arms acquisitions

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Rosie “Hepatitis C” Gilchrist, Jim’s sister, is engaged to be married to Open Carry’s Grisham

After an arduous journey from New Orleans, the launcher was set up on a beach near Galveston Island and the completely ignorant and untrained personnel from Open Carry launched a few missiles “just for fun.”

The first missile took out a flight of endangered pelicans in route to nesting grounds further up the coast. Grisham justified the murder of the birds to Sean Hannity by saying, “Those pelicans were in fact cartel drug mules transporting heroin across the border in the pouches attached to their lower mandibles.”

redneckguns

Activities at the much-anticipated convention in Dallas will include mock lynchings and a gala barbecue and horseshoe contest on the “Grassy Knoll”

The gullible Hannity accepted the explanation but required clarification as to exactly what a “mandible” was.

The second missile loosed by the team of schmucks zoomed over the Gulf in an erratic flight that ended with a detonation over a British Petroleum oil platform, which was set ablaze.

A third missile misfired at first but then careened wildly down the beach taking out several vacationing families before exploding in a barbecue and salt-water taffy stand, causing massive loss of life.

The crack missile team lost one member when he was incinerated while urinating behind the vehicle during the launch sequence.

Although initial testing of their new toy has not turned out exactly as planned, Open Carry Texas hopes that the vehicle will be fully operational for this fall’s Conspiracy Theory Convention held annually at the Dallas Book Depository.

“We really look forward to displaying our extreme sexual insecurity and paranoid delusions at the upcoming national conference in Dallas,” said Grisham. We really want to show the rest of the country what patriotism and love of God and country is all about.”

When asked about the situation in Houston, NRA president Wayne LaPierre only shook his head, rolled his eyes, and slowly walked away from reporters while staring at the ground.

 

 

 

 

 

Texas Governor Rick Perry Accidentally Mows Down Tea Party Rally On Border With Mexico

Posted in humor, politics by

rickperry50

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – The death toll continues to rise in Monday’s “friendly fire” incident along the Texas-Mexico border. While making an aerial inspection of suspected crossing points, Governor Rick Perry (R-TX) apparently discharged a .50 caliber machine gun into the midst of a gathering of Tea Party supporters and amateur Texas border guards.

The Tea Party members were massed at a point along the border where refugee kids from Central and South America regularly turn themselves in to Border Patrol agents.

Texas National Guard troops that Perry dispatched to the border are being kept busy trying clean up the sites of the governor's various mishaps

Texas National Guard troops that Perry dispatched to the border are being kept busy trying clean up the sites of the governor’s various mishaps

“We were just here to show how much we love America and shout ugly racial slurs at those children,” said Mildred Mulebutt, a survivor of the massacre.

“We had just set up our signs and popped a few Budweisers when this patrol plane escorted by two helicopter gunships swooped down on us out of the blue. Then some idiot in one of the aircraft started letting us have it with some kind of fucking cannon or something. It was terrifying.”

Zapata County Sheriff R.P. “Fuzzy” Scrotum told Fox News that “We still have not been able to get a solid body count because the Governor turned a lot of these folks into a fine red mist. I’ve been told by the coroner that we have at least 29 Tea Partiers and several members of the South Texas Amateur Border Guards and River Widener’s Club definitely deceased. If you come over here, you can clearly see where the Tea Party folks were standing because of all of these misspelled signs.”

The crew chief for the aircraft in which the governor was traveling told Reuters that “I told that doofus three times to quit fiddling with the weapon, but he insisted on charging it and aiming it at vehicles and pedestrians while making a childlike ‘machine gun’ sound and yelling ‘Get some! Get some!'”

This isn't the first time Governor Perry accidentally depleted his base. At a photo op in 2009 at the Sam Houston School for the Orphans of Rodeo Clowns, Perry mowed down an entire 3rd grade class with what he thought was a toy machine gun

This isn’t the first time Governor Perry accidentally depleted his base. At a photo op in 2009 at the Sam Houston School for the Orphans of Rodeo Clowns, Perry wiped out an entire 3rd grade class with what he thought was a toy machine gun

“God help us if that idiot is elected president,” continued the crew chief, who wished to remain anonymous. “He’ll probably be horsing around in the Oval Office and accidentally nuke Belgium or something.”

An aide to Governor Perry called the incident a “tragic accident” and blamed it on Perry leaving his glasses at Billy Bob’s All-You-Can-Eat Fatback Cafe in Squalid Springs, where the group had lunch.

“The governor was trying to aim at a group of starving and desperate illegal children and hit that group of his supporters purely by accident,” said the aide.

A firm body count and casualty list will not be available until the weekend because authorities had to call in army bomb disposal squads to clear several dozen homemade anti-personnel mines planted by the amateur border guards.

Governor Perry is not expected to be charged in the incident because he is covered by the recent “Stand Your Ground and Defend Your Airspace” laws passed by Texas and Florida. The laws protect Caucasian males from prosecution for “discharging any weapon, accidentally or otherwise, into any individual or group of individuals that look weird or unusual to them.”

The incident is expected to have absolutely no effect on Governor Perry’s presidential aspirations, because anyone dumb enough to vote for this bastard is going to do it regardless of how many people he slaughters.

 

 

 

 

 

Creepy “Answers In Genesis” President Ken Ham Arrested At Denali National Park

Posted in humor, politics, religion by
ken-ham-creation-museum

Ham, originally from Australia, is living proof of the dangers of legal immigration

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Huckster and insane person Ken Ham, of Answers in Genesis and Creation Museum fame, was arrested yesterday just outside Denali National Park. Ham was charged with indecent exposure and attempted destruction of public property. He is currently being held in an Anchorage detention facility while he awaits a psychiatric examination ordered by a circuit court judge.

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Ham is famous for wacked-out ideas, like the concept that dinosaurs and humans roamed the earth together.

Ham was apprehended while trying to escape after attempting to add his own footprints to dinosaur fossils found within the boundary of the park. The site, described as a “world-class” dinosaur track site shows that herds of duck-billed dinosaurs thrived under the midnight sun.

“We had mom, dad, big brother, big sister and little babies all running around together,” said paleontologist Anthony Fiorillo, who is studying the dinosaur tracks. “As I like to tell the park, Denali was a family destination for millions of years, and now we’ve got the fossil evidence for it.”

The discovery adds to Fiorillo’s growing conviction that dinosaurs lived at polar latitudes year-round during the Late Cretaceous Period, about 70 million years ago.”Even back then the high latitudes were biologically productive and could support big herds of pretty big animals,” said Fiorillo, curator of earth sciences at the Perot Museum of Nature and Science in Dallas.

jesus riding dinosaur2.widea

One of the most popular exhibits at the Creation Museum is the “Messiahraptor” ride, which features a slightly confused Christ figure cruising around a wooded area on the back of a T-Rex.

“This is definitely one of the great track sites of the world. We were so happy to find it,” Fiorillo said.

The muddy ground is so rumpled by footprints that the researchers were hard-pressed to pull out tracks from individual hadrosaurs. Instead, they counted each print and grouped them by size. The results were published June 30 in the journal Geology.

Ham, who has for years championed the ludicrous idea that the earth is only 6,000 years old and that men walked among the dinosaurs, was apparently either trying to destroy the fossils or add his own footprints to the fossil find.

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Ham first developed his disturbing theories during early puberty when he became obsessed with Raquel Welch after viewing One Million Years B.C. He still thinks the movie is “one of the best documentaries of all time.”

“We found him running around barefoot wearing a Speedo and a t-shirt that read, ‘God Hates Paleontologists,’ said Fiorillo. “At first we thought he was a drunken tourist or an escapee from a mental institution. However, one of my assistants from Kentucky recognized him and said, ‘Holy shit! That’s the moron the runs that stupid Creation Museum.’ That’s when we knew we had a potentially dangerous cretin on our hands. We immediately called the park police.”

Ham was apprehended about an hour later trying to exit the park on a unicycle, which he learned to ride as a child while performing in his parents’ traveling carnival and snake oil emporium.

Park police reported that Ham kept shouting “Darwin was wrong!” and “Fossils are the handiwork of Satan” as he was taken into custody.

Originally from Queensland, Australia, Ham has become the poster child for intelligent arguments against immigration. Many groups have advocated a thorough psychological screening and IQ testing before anyone is granted citizenship.

Ham will be handed over to federal authorities to await trial. He is thought to be too much of a danger to the mentally deficient in this country to be granted bail.

 

Costco’s Expression Of Religious Freedom Outrages Conservatives

Posted in business, humor, politics by

Costco

 

THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CP&T) – Costco’s recent decision to remove Dinesh D’souza’s polemic fantasy, America: Imagine the World Without Her, from its bookshelves has been met with outrage by right wingers, Tea Partiers, and other historical revisionists across the United States. Many individuals and groups have vowed to boycott Costco as way to express their collective outrage.

At a press conference early this morning, Costco CEO Craig Jelinek explained the reasons for the corporation’s actions: “Costco is merely expressing her SCOTUS-given rights of free speech, religious expression, and unlimited ability to contribute cash to the candidate of her own choice.”

“A central tenet of Costco’s deeply-held religious beliefs is the guarantee that no customer should have to live with the fear of exposure to historical revisionism, extreme tribalism, medieval views regarding immigration, or feverish half-baked conspiracy theories about Benghazi,” said Jelinek.

neanderthal5

Tea Party organizations across the country have vowed to boycott Costco in response to her actions regarding D’souza’s comic book

“Costco, is an individual and citizen of the United States, endowed with all the rights guaranteed by the Constitution. She believes in her heart that D’souza’s book is no more than a collection of right-wing talking points vomited up and coagulated on paper that would serve the world better as trees helping to clean our atmosphere. Therefore she felt that Costco customers and employees should not be exposed to the toxic bilge contained within this 3rd grade interpretation of American history.”

When asked if Costco feared the inevitable backlash and boycott from right wingers across the country, Jelinek replied, “Well, let them boycott Costco and let sane individuals boycott Hobby Lobby. Forgive me but I think the sane folks are getting the better deal.”

A reporter from Hollywood Weekly asked Jelinek if Costco would be carrying the DVD of the movie America when it is released. He replied, “That’s up to Costco. She will make that decision closer to the release date. However, I don’t see why any of our customers would want to pay good money for propaganda like that when all they have to do is tune in to Fox News to get the same hateful garbage spewed at them.”

Jelinek added that in order to accommodate former Hobby Lobby customers, he was ordering Costco buyers to stock up on Elmer’s Glue, a wide variety of worthless trinkets and glitter, and sticks harvested from various swamps in Louisiana.

 

 

 

Florida Cretin Kidnaps Daughter To Save Her From Horrors Of Modern Science And Education

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florida

SUNRISE, FLORIDA (CT&P) – A nationwide cretinhunt is now underway for a Megan Everett, a Florida mother who kidnapped her daughter in order to prevent her from being vaccinated and learning about black history. The woman and her daughter, Lilly Everett, have been AWOL since May 6th, and are thought to be in hiding with like-minded creatures somewhere in the U.S.

On May 19, Broward Circuit Judge Michele Towbin Singer issued a warrant for Everett’s arrest on charges of custodial kidnapping, interference with court-ordered custody, and concealing a minor contrary to a court order. Federal authorities became involved when it became evident that Everett had crossed state lines in order to avoid prosecution on the state charges.

Robert Baumann, the girl’s father, told the The Orlando Sentinel that he had planned to have his daughter Lilly vaccinated so she could enroll in preschool, but that Everett objected to that plan.

“She found this new idea that vaccines are horrible,” Baumann said. “I think she wanted to keep her from being vaccinated because that would keep her out of day care.”

“One of the issues we had was, she wanted to home-school my daughter,” he added. “I didn’t want that to happen. She didn’t want Lilly to learn about black history. She just wanted her to learn about the Confederacy.”

orangutuanteeth

This snapshot taken of Ms Everett visiting her orthodontist just before the kidnapping has been distributed to law enforcement agencies across the United States.

Court documents suggest that the reason Everett didn’t want her daughter studying black history is that she had become involved with a man named Carlos Lesters, who is described as “a Confederate-flag-waving gun enthusiast” with family in Georgia and Kentucky. When authorities contacted Lesters, he informed them that she was gone “and not coming back.”

Federal authorities have concentrated their search for the two in areas that have completely rejected science and reason in favor faith and superstition, such as the U.S. House of Representatives, Virginia’s 7th District, and various Tea Party strongholds across America.

The NSA is keeping close watch on kooky anti-vaccine websites for any mention of the cretin and her three-year-old daughter. FBI agents have been dispatched to the headquarters of several large anti-vaccination organizations to interview key personnel, but so far the agency has been frustrated by the total lack of logic and intelligence they have faced.

“Have you ever tried to have an intelligent conversation with any of these kooks?” said Agent Bill Nye during a recent interview with CNN. “The internet has been a great invention for the most part, but my God, sometimes I think you ought to possess at least a minimum IQ to be allowed to use it. All of these dullards get on the web and they become convinced that President Bush orchestrated 9/11, we really didn’t go to the moon, and Hillary Clinton stormed our compound in Benghazi. It’s ridiculous.”

“What is really confusing about this case is, if the woman wanted her child to grow up to be a dim wit with no access to health care, then why the hell did she leave Florida in the first place? It’s downright puzzling.”

So far no leads have surfaced in the case but authorities are confident that the two will eventually be found. Agent Nye told CNN that “the mother can hide for a while, but in the end we’ll find her. This level of stupidity can’t go unnoticed forever.”