Tag Archives: Tea Party

Republican Senator Thad Cochran Ordered To Seek Treatment After Weird Confession At Campaign Stop

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HATTIESBURG, MS (CT&P) – Circuit court Judge Horace Ungulate III has ordered Senator Thad Cochran (R-MS) to seek therapy after the senator admitted to “doing all sorts of indecent things with animals” in his youth.

The weird confession occurred while Senator Cochran was addressing a group of supporters at Forrest General Hospital in Hattiesburg.

“I grew up coming down here for Christmas,” he said. “My father’s family was here. My mother’s family was from rural Hinds County in Utica.”

“It was fun, it was an adventure to be out there in the country and to see what goes on,” he said of his boyhood visits to Hattiesburg. “Picking up pecans, from that to all kinds of indecent things with animals.”

The audience chuckled.

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Although bestiality is technically illegal in Mississippi, in some areas it is considered a “right of passage” and prosecutions are rare.

“And I know some of you know what that is,” Cochran said

The comments caused quite a stir on the internet and with voters in the area that graduated from high school.

Although technically illegal, bestiality is rarely prosecuted in Mississippi. “The problem is that the legislature has had a very difficult time determining just what the definition of ‘beast’ really is,” said Republican state senator Robert “Bobby” Bovine from Tupelo.

“If the definition is too vague, we could have sheriff’s deputies arresting couples from trailer parks all over the state. Then again, if we limit the definition of ‘beast’ to cows, goats, and sheep, we are gonna incarcerate a large percentage of our core supporters.”

Although Cochran’s lawyer read a statement in court in which the senator denied remembering making any “odd statements about animals” at the meeting, Judge Ungulate was unmoved.

“We have enough unenlightened weirdos and dim wits in American politics already,” said Ungulate. “The fact that the senator can’t remember what the fuck he said is all the more reason he needs to be hospitalized.

The episode, along with the demise of Eric Cantor, has boosted primary challenger Chris McDaniel, another in a long line of Tea Party kooks, to an eight point lead in the race with only about week left before election day.

 

God Replaces House Majority Leader Eric Cantor With Rank Amateur

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In what some church officials are calling a “miracle on par with the parting of the Red Sea,” Almighty God replaced House Majority Leader Eric Cantor with an obscure economics professor from Randolph-Macon this week.

It seems that for the first time in several hundred years, God suspended the laws of physics, logic, common sense, and modern scientific polling to allow David Brat, a political newcomer, to beat the house leader by over ten percentage points in Virginia’s 7th District Republican primary race.

While many political analysts and talking heads say that Cantor’s unhealthy infatuation with beef played a role, most of those “in the know” put the majority of blame for Cantor’s shocking loss on his attempt to help the children of illegal immigrants, and the subsequent loss of support it precipitated in divine circles.

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Everyone in politics knows how much God hates illegal immigration. Here Jesus accompanies a an ICE team in Houston assigned to roundup immigrant children before they get old enough to steal our jobs.

“Everyone knows how much God hates illegal immigrants and their kids,” said Walter Dullard, a Tea Party strategist. “Cantor showed a recklessness and lack of foresight unusual in a seasoned politician.”

“His desire to help the innocent kids of illegals angered the Lord as well as his constituents, and paved the way for this miracle,” said Dullard.

During his acceptance speech Tuesday night Brat acknowledged that his victory was indeed a “miracle from God.” He went out of his way to praise the deity by reading several Bible verses in hopes that he can retain divine support for future reelection campaigns.

Satan, Lord of the Underworld and Prince of Darkness, normally a strong supporter of Tea Party candidates, offered Brat no help in the election.

“We wanted to sit this one out and see what happened,” said Lord Balthazar, Satanic Press Secretary. “As long as God is preoccupied with the midterms and local races, his attention is drawn away from things like worldwide hunger, war, environmental destruction, climate change, natural disasters, genocide, and the like. We’re left to ‘do our thing’ without any interference from ‘upstairs.'”

Although Brat has no experience in politics and the quagmire of stupidity that is Washington D.C., he told reporters that “Ignorance and an overall lack of intelligence has never been an obstacle in American politics, and I look forward to a long and financially fruitful career in the nation’s capital.”

 

 

Progressive Texas Law Helps Provide Firearms For The Mentally Challenged

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – A law that just went into effect last month in Texas provides funds for a new statewide program called “Cannons for Cretins.” The pilot program assists Texas residents who are illiterate or otherwise too mentally challenged to successfully complete the necessary paperwork for owning a firearm.

From now on, every firearms dealer will have a state employee who graduated from at least sixth grade on premises at all times to guide applicants through the approval process. The form consists of a single sheet of paper and requires the applicant to declare his or her age, sex, and most recent felonies. The applicant may sign with a simple “X” if that is all he can manage.

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“Cannons for Cretins” helped Warner V. Numbnuts III get the assault rifle he always lusted after. Shunned in high school because of his poor taste in attire and malodorous emissions, Warner now suffers from low self-esteem. Ownership of an AK-47 with a thirty-round clip and depleted uranium ammunition has seemed to help. Here he is seen shopping for hydrocortisone cream to help relieve the pain of genital sores he picked up while working on a goat farm last summer.

The program also helps the less fortunate purchase higher-end assault rifles and sidearms that they would not otherwise be able to afford. Volunteers are being sought to drive those who are too poor to own a truck or who could not pass their driver’s license exam to gun shows or weapons dealers so that the critical purchases can be made.

“The mentally challenged make up a large percentage of our population here in Texas, and it’s high time we did something to help them realize the dream of gun ownership,” said Representative Joe “Scrotum Face” McConnell of Muleshoe. “This new program will help dim wits, dullards, fruitcakes, pin heads, and imbeciles get the weapons they deserve.”

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“Cannons for Cretins” helped Gertie “Ma” Barker buy a huge, deadly sidearm along with thousands of rounds of hollow point ammunition. Before she got help from the new program she could only afford a rusty Revolutionary War blunderbuss. “You don’t know how heartbreaking it is to tell your kids they’ll get no supper because Mommy has to buy ball bearings and black powder. I’m in debt to our brave politicians,” said Barker, seen here shopping for bread and water at Walmart.

“That’s right,” said Representative Charles Whitman Jr. of Fort Worth. “No one can say that we don’t care about our ‘less fortunate’ citizens here in Texas. Morons, idiots, simpletons, retards, and even ignorant twits all across the state will now have their self-esteem boosted by gun ownership.”

Opponents of the bill argued that since most of the citizens the new law was supposed to “help” did not have the sense to come out of the rain it may not be such a good idea to arm them with assault rifles and high-capacity magazines.

Governor and part-time presidential candidate Rick Perry, who supported the bill, brushed objections to the law aside and called them “nonsense.”

“We take the 2nd Amendment seriously here in Texas and we are gonna arm every son of a bitch we can with the most modern firearms available. We have to prepare for the coming race war and defend ourselves against the evils of the federal government. They’ve already shoved equal treatment for negras and Messicans down our throats. We aren’t going to stand by and let ’em make gay marriage and abortion legal in Texas. We intend to fight!”

Politicians in several other “Bible Belt” states are discussing similar programs and have sent aides to Texas to observe the effects of the new law and to get advice from the bill’s sponsors.

 

 

As Hopes Fade Of Finding Brain, Bachmann Believed To Be On “Zombie Autopilot”

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michele bachmann is an idiot

WASHINGTON-As hopes fade for ever locating and recovering Michele Bachmann’s mind, a team of experts is analyzing data from a variety of sources in order to chart the rapid deterioration of her prefrontal cortex. The team hopes that by doing this a reasonable hypothesis can be made as to the cause of Bachmann’s erratic course and irrational flights of fancy.

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Dr. John Bigboote is leading the team from Yoyodyne that is desperately trying to locate Representative Bachmann’s mind

The team of distinguished scientists and physicians from Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems in Grover’s Mill, New Jersey specializes in assessing brain damage and degenerative mental disorders. It is focusing its efforts on analyzing appearances made by Bachmann over the last few weeks on Fox as well as legitimate news outlets.

“The data strongly indicates that Representative Bachmann is suffering from the progressive deterioration of her higher mental function,” said Dr. John Bigboote, who leads the team. “You can clearly see that she has little or no ability left to reason or comprehend anything above a sixth grade level. In fact, it appears her body is being sustained by the primitive parts of her brain such as the cerebellum and spinal cord. Her frontal lobes are almost completely shut down,” said Dr. Bigboote. “Right now, Michele Bachmann is little more than an oversized bipedal lizard. I guess you could call her a ‘Jesus Lizard,'” he chuckled.

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Editor’s note: Our ace reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker visited Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems late last week in order to get an interview for this article. He has not been the same since. He is convinced the planet is being taken over by an alien race of “Red Lectroids” from Planet 10 by way of the 8th Dimension. We have granted him sick leave to seek medical treatment.

Dr. John Small Berries, a well-known brain surgeon and expert in inter-dimensional time travel, told our reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that the team has been tracking a series of “ghostly pings”originating from Bachmann’s medulla oblongata that are apparently meant to communicate with her prefrontal cortex. “According to our data, Bachmann’s brain functions have shut down one-by-one over a period of several years. Whether these actions were self-inflicted or the result of some terrorist act on the part of the left-wing of the Democrat party is totally unknown,” said Small Berries.

Dr. John Yaya, another member of the team from Yoyodyne, told “The Coyote” that “We really have no clue at this time just where in the hell Bachmann’s mind is at. It could be anywhere from the jungles of Vietnam to somewhere at the bottom of the Indian Ocean. It’s a real mystery.”

Dr. Bigboote told our earstwhile reporter that time is running out for finding and recovering Bachmann’s aimlessly wandering mind. “We are analyzing new data the minute it comes in, but we can’t expect Bachmann’s brain stem to last too much longer. The information we could recover from her memory banks could go a long way in explaining her inane remarks and asinine actions on the floor of the House, but if the ‘battery life’ on her neural ‘black box’ runs out, we’re basically fucked.”

 

 

 

 

 

Bowing To Pressure From The Christian Right, Disney Announces Construction of New “Nine Circles Of Hell” Theme Park

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ORLANDO-Under extreme pressure from Tea Party officials and facing the threat of boycotts from right-wing Christian organizations, Disney has announced a total image makeover. As part of the change, officials have hired new producers and directors, a new spokesperson, and have plans for a massive new theme park dedicated solely to the beliefs of evangelical Christians. The new park is being designed to influence and convert young children who may be thinking about taking a different path in life. “We want to do our part to help youngsters decide to do what is right and reject the lies of science and reason,” said Disney’s new spokesperson Phil Robertson. “We really think we can be a positive influence on those five or six-year-old kids who are weighing the advantages of becoming  lifetime disciples of Satan as opposed to doing the right thing and choosing Jesus.”

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The always cheerful and uplifting serial killer of water fowl Phil Robertson will be Disney’s new spokesperson.

As part of the makeover, Disney will only produce low-grossing films and animated features of a religious nature that emphasize leading a life dedicated to faith and superstition while renouncing the evils of logical thought and enlightenment. Although this will diminish corporate profits and lead to a less educated generation of young adults, Disney executives feel that the stock prices of the company will be propped up by block purchases by godly corporations such as Hobby Lobby and Vatican Investments, Inc.

The changes in production and public relations form only two-thirds of the makeover triad. The centerpiece of the new Disney will feature a multi-billion dollar theme park known as “The Nine Circles of Hell.” The park will consist of a variety of educational attractions for the kiddies such as museums dedicated to refuting hundreds of years of scientific progress and societal evolution. Disney has hired Ken Ham of Answers in Genesis and the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Ky, as well as Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association, as consultants on the new project. Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) has been hired as Disney’s new adviser on science and education.

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Children will be reminded of the consequences of sin by a series of cheerful signs posted along the route of the new “Descent Into Hell” ride.

“The new park will do its best to convince youngsters that all this talk of evolution, climate change, and the big bang is just mumbo jumbo,” said Robertson, as he spoke to reporters from his home in Fecal Shoals, Louisiana. “I mean, anyone with any sense knows that the earth is only about 6000 years old. All this crap about the ‘big bang’ is just liberal propaganda.” Robertson, who was dissembling and cleaning an AR-15 as he spoke, continued: “But what we really want to emphasize is the consequences of choosing a sinful lifestyle. We believe that the best way to keep kids from deciding to be homosexual perverts and servants of the Devil is to scare the ever-loving shit out of them. That’s why I’m so excited about the new ‘Descent Into Hell’ children’s ride we have planned. It should really make guys want to stick with having sex with women. I mean, everybody knows they have so much more to offer ‘down there.'”

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The entrance to the new ride will feature a melancholy apocalyptic landscape in order to get the kids into a depressed and pessimistic mood before the descent.

According to engineers at Disney, the innovative “Descent Into Hell” ride will be educational as well as fun. Kids (as well as backsliding adults) will be fitted with stylish straight jackets hand-made by Luddites camped outside the park. Then the kids will be tied to saddles atop mechanical dinosaurs who will then descend through the mouth of a cave into the bowels of hell. The kids will be bombarded by a dark and melancholy musical score consisting of works by Wagner and Mahler in the upper levels and the continuous repetition of Barber’s Adagio for Strings as they approach the lower infernal regions.

The first level of the ride of course begins in Limbo, where the kids are taken on a tour of the U.S. Senate and House Chambers and treated to a seemingly never-ending cable newscast about the mysterious flight of Malaysian Airlines Flight 370. Then the robotic raptors lumber on down to the lower levels of the ride where more Lovecraftian horrors will await the already perplexed and despondent children. Disney engineers are particularly proud of level three, Gluttony, where androids manufactured in the likenesses of Rush Limbaugh, Chris Christie, and William Howard Taft charge out of a thick soupy fog and threaten to devour the kids alive. “It just about the scariest thing I have ever been a part of designing,” said Matt McClendon, a part-time programmer for Disney.

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A holographic version of the Roman poet Virgil will accompany each child on their journey through the fires of hell. Here Virgil can be seen with his buddies Dante and Captain Phlegyas as they enjoy a dinner cruise along the River Styx

Perhaps the most innovative feature in the entire new park is the totally interactive hologram of the Roman poet Virgil who will accompany the kids on their trip to Hades. The ghostly apparition of Virgil, fully equipped with artificial intelligence, we be able to explain thousands of different sins and their consequences to the children in over 100 different languages.  Virgil will be able to answer all the burning questions that are on the minds average American five-year-olds, such as “What happens if I spill my milk?” Or “What happens to me if I believe in evolution?”  Or “What happens if I miss the March 31st deadline for signing up for Obamacare?” Or most importantly, “What happens to my immortal soul if I am unable to overcome the constant pressure emanating from Democrats and the liberal media and decide to turn gay?”

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Phil Robertson, Disney’s new spokesperson, made it a condition of his employment that Virgil be programmed to drone on and on about how women had “more to offer down there” and how legalizing gay marriage would bring about the downfall of western civilization. More than one programmer was heard to utter “Methinks he doth protest too much.”

Disney plans to have grief counselors and psychologists specializing in the treatment of early childhood trauma standing by at the exit of the ride to try to stave off lawsuits from the parents of kids who may become mentally unhinged or permanently disabled by the experience. “We want to err on the side of caution when it comes to these young skulls full of mush,” said Dr. Joe Mengele Jr., a staff physician at Disney. “We know we can’t be perfect, but we want to limit the number of cases of PTSD to the bare minimum.”

As everyone knows Disney has the “Midas Touch” when it comes to new projects, and great things are predicted for the new park. Christian youth groups and Sunday school classes from all over the country have already booked reservations at the new park even before construction has begun. However, spokesman Phil Robertson was quick to emphasize that it was not all about the money. “We want to fight the influence of ‘Big Gay,’ ‘Big Mooslim,’ and ‘Big Lucifer’ wherever we see them taking root. This is about saving souls and raising a whole generation of kids who will not be exposed to the dangers of science, reason, and individual choice. It’s all a part of our nationwide campaign to ‘Just Say No To Satan.’ I’m confident that any child who visits the new park will be so befuddled and terrified by the experience that he or she will have no choice but to follow the right path and reject the evils that a more compassionate and tolerant society have forced upon us. The future looks bright at Disney.”

Texas Representative Steve Stockman: Man Or Astro-man?

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As seen in these photos Stockman has the ability to morph into a variety of shapes, sizes and species in order to confound humans

AUSTIN-Recent rumors that Texas Representative Steve Stockman (R) is in reality some sort of shape-shifting xenomorph from outer space appear to have been confirmed this week as photos of him in various states of metamorphosis have surfaced. Mr. Stockman’s wild antics in Congress and his lack of any coherent thought process, combined with his insane neo-fascist political stances, have long led some to believe that he is a member of an alien race masquerading as a human being.

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Stockman (right) conferring with friend and collaborator Texas State Senator Basil T. Buttplug

Although many have had their doubts about the terrestrial ancestry of the Texas delegation in general and Stockman in particular, no proof has ever been presented to the general public that Stockman was anything other than an average Tea Party dullard, albeit a colorful one. However, his wild ravings, complete lack of compassion and empathy for human beings, and his weird obsession with Twitter led some intrepid journalists and photographers to dig deeper.

Our ace political reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker has been  working on the “Stockman conundrum” for quite some time now. With the help of members of the Millennium Group and a shadowy photographer known only as “The Riddler,” he has come up with some answers.

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Stockman speaking at a Tea Party fundraiser and book-burning festival late last fall

Bruce was able to meet with the mysterious photographer “The Riddler” in a highly segregated “whites-only” suburb north of Atlanta, Georgia. He was able to obtain photographs made using secret technology developed by the research and development division of the “Millennium Group.” The photos show a very different Steve Stockman than the one elected to the U.S. House by the good citizens of Texas. In the photos, Stockman can be seen in many of his different forms, and some even catch him in the act of shape-shifting.

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In this photo you can clearly see Stockman morphing into a Lovecraftian creature capable of unimaginable evil

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This is a photograph of Stockman decapitating former Republican Party House Majority Leader Tom Delay after a heated argument over illegal immigration

It seems that Stockman is able to metamorphose into different body shapes and even different alien species. Sometimes Stockman allows humans to see him as he really is, while at other times he uses massive clouds of narcotic flatulence to mask his appearance and mesmerize nearby humans. The toxic gas makes them highly susceptible to suggestion which helps to explain Stockman’s puzzling popularity with otherwise rational Texans.

Stockman’s ability to appear rational and productive at times has served him well and even taken him to the halls of power in Washington, D.C. However, according to “The Coyote,” it is all just a clever facade that masks a boiling mass of malevolent protoplasm.

Stockman has used his shape-shifting talents to fool large voting blocs in Texas into electing him on two different occasions, once in the 9th District and more recently in the 36th District. He is currently running against incumbent John Cornyn in the Republican primary for Senate.

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Artist’s rendering of Representative Michele Bachmann as she truly appears

Experts are worried that a large enough discharge of Stockman’s noxious gas at a convention center or campaign rally could tip the balance and Texans could be deluded into making him the state’s second senator from outer space. “Such a result could endanger not only Texas but the entire United States,” said Dr. Frank Black of the Center for Sanity in Politics. “We can’t risk it. Someone has to take action and get these creatures out of politics. It may be a job for our special forces troops or maybe we can ask Putin if we could borrow some of those Spetsnaz dudes after they get through in Crimea.”

Some scientists speculate that many other representatives of the Tea Party and other right-wing factions are in reality also members of this baleful species from another galaxy, bent on the destruction of all that is good and redeeming about humanity. Senator Mike Lee (R-UT) and Representative Louis Gohmert (R-TX) are also on the list of suspected xenomorphs. Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) is thought to be a female member of the race and may even be the queen regnant.

Nation In Shock Over 2014 Budget

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WASHINGTON-Yesterday President Obama signed the $1.1 trillion spending bill that will fund the federal government until the end of September. The bill passed with large majorities in both houses of Congress, garnering widespread bipartisan support. The cooperation shown between the two opposing parties stunned most Americans.

“The lack of senseless bickering from both sides has left many Americans speechless,” said Dr. Frank Black of the Center For Sanity In Politics. “The public really does not know what to think about these people actually doing the job they were elected to do. Just when everyone thought that we had a dependable pattern of continuous gridlock caused by a small group of ignorant reactionaries, the rug gets pulled out from under us by this bipartisanship.”

Although most lawmakers were pleased that the country did not have to be embarrassed by another senseless government shutdown, a few were disappointed. Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN), who since her election has consistently vied for the crown of “Most Vapid and Ignorant Living Politician,” stated “I just could not bring myself to vote for a bill that spent millions helping lazy poor people and at the same time failed to place the Ten Commandments in every public building in America.”

Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) was said to be in so much distress over his waning influence that aides were forced to check him into an Austin mental health center where he is said to be suffering from clinical depression.

Tea Party representatives have vowed to continue the fight against bipartisanship and cooperation in Congress. Jenny Beth Martin, national coordinator for the vacuous Tea Party Patriots, stated “We may have lost this round, but we promise the American public that we will make a comeback in 2014. We’ll do our best to embarrass the country in the eyes of the world and we’ll strive to smother economic recovery through another government shutdown if at all possible.”

Right wing think tanks were also upset. The Club For Growth And Enrichment Of The One Percent issued a statement saying “This bill is fat with pork and handouts to the poorest and most oppressed Americans. It’s a disgrace. Subsidies should be reserved for large oil companies and Big Agriculture. If we continue down this road there will be nothing left for the wealthy!”

President Obama was pleased with the cooperation in Congress and praised the work and determination shown by lawmakers in both parties. He was smiling and joking as he signed the bill, which sent Fox News pundits into fits of pique not seen since he signed the Affordable Care Act.

Rand Paul Assaults National Intelligence Director James Clapper

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Tea Party favorite Senator Rand Paul (R-Ky) appeared on CNN’s “The Infatuation Room” with Wolf Blitzer last night where he accused Director of National Intelligence James Clapper of lying to Congress and the American people.

Senator Paul, a confirmed plagiarist, told Blitzer that Clapper should resign for “lying” to a Senate committee in March. “He (Clapper) said that the NSA was not collecting any data on U.S. citizens.”

Paul continued, “When you’re doing this and when you have the ability to destroy people’s lives – you have the ability to actually kill people overseas – I would think that you really have to have the utmost trust. And I think he’s lost our trust by lying to us.”

Paul, who has been called “foul tempered” by some, became more and more agitated as the interview continued. “Look Wolf, lying to the American people, destroying people’s lives, killing innocent civilians overseas, hell, that’s Congress’s job, and I’m not letting some two-bit pompous ass bureaucrat move in on our turf! The American people simply won’t stand for it!”

Paul, who appeared to be hyperventilating, then excused himself from the interview. Upon returning to the “Green Room” to retrieve his belongings, he apparently found Clapper and an aide rifling his briefcase and planting a bug in his overcoat.

According to witnesses, Paul went berserk and repeatedly pistol-whipped  Clapper  about the head and neck with a pearl-handled revolver, a gift from the Lexington Chapter of the Sons of the Confederacy.

Clapper was taken to Bethesda Naval Hospital where he is recovering from his injuries. Although obviously unable to comment personally, Clapper’s office released the following statement:

“We sincerely regret the unfortunate incident at CNN’s Washington Bureau last night. Director Clapper bears no ill will toward Senator Paul, or any other politician, for that matter. Our job as policeman of the world is to protect and serve the American people, as long as they behave in a manner that we see fit. We hope that this regrettable event does not in any way impede the implementation of our new multiple-agency security program set to launch next spring.”

The program referred to in the statement is code-named “STASI”, and is a joint effort of the NSA, CIA, and FBI. It features, among other things, fully armed Predator drones patrolling the airspace over all 50 states. The “General Lee,” the first fully armed domestic drone, is set to start flight tests along the Texas-Mexico border in January. It will be equipped with NSA listening devices, long-range cameras with infrared capability, and of course two AGM-114 Hellfire air-to-ground missiles.

Director Clapper has sincerely promised both Congress and the American people that the Predators would never in any circumstance be used on “law-abiding American citizens.”

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Popes Gone Wild! (Holiday Edition)

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Pope Francis went out of his ecclesiastical mind last week by suggesting in his Evangelii Gaudium that Christians should actually live according to the teachings of Christ. Among other things, the Pope criticized the excessive greed associated with unfettered capitalism.

The Pope has recently exhibited other forms of instability by stating that we should show compassion for the poor and accept as equals those of other faiths and lifestyles. He is also rumored to participate in questionable nocturnal activities such as ministering to homeless people in soup kitchens and on the street while dressed as a common priest.

All of this finally became too much for good Christians to bear, and veritable hail of brimstone erupted from the mouths of conservative pundits and pro capitalist ministers across America.

Rush Limbaugh (net worth 370-400 million) was first to pontificate over the Apostolic Exhortation. He essentially called the Pope a dimwit who was unable to understand classic economic theory. He also called the document “pure Marxism.” Limbaugh, borrowing a page from Glenn Beck’s book, blamed it on a conspiracy, stating “somebody has either written this for him or gotten to him.”  Next week Limbaugh plans a thorough explanation of why gluttony is not really a sin.

Next to jump on the creaky, unstable conservative bandwagon was Jonathon Moseley, a well-known Virginia defense attorney and Tea Party kook. Mr. Moseley made it clear that Jesus supports capitalism and was mortified by the Pope’s most recent antics. He informed us that “Jesus was weeping in heaven” over the Evangelii Gaudium. “Jesus was a capitalist, preaching personal responsibility, not a socialist” he said. In the same article, Moseley stated that “the consumer is king,” which is somewhat confusing to those of us who have been taught all our lives that Christ was King.

In the past Mr. Moseley has enlightened us with Jesus’ opinions on a wide range of political topics, including but not limited to Obamacare, immigration reform, gay marriage, and the capital gains tax. He “has it on good authority” that Jesus founded the Northern Nazareth Chapter of the Tea Party 2000 years ago and agrees with 95% of its current political stances.  Moseley is apparently one of the very few in human history blessed with a direct conduit to the Almighty, much like Joan of Arc. However, unlike Joan who saw visions of Christ, Moseley receives his insider info on a Dick Tracy-style wrist communicator with a built-in magic decoder ring.

Thanks to Limbaugh, Moseley, and a horde of capitalistic ministries, Christians world-wide can rest easy with the tried and true “lip service on Sunday, unbridled greed and hateful rhetoric during the week” method of religious worship.

In fact, the Right Reverend Vince Snetterton Lewis, best-selling author of “Christianity for Fun and Profit” and leader of  Our Lady of  Laissez Faire Ministries in Tampa Florida, stated “Jesus, if he were alive today, probably would run a hedge fund or be the CEO of  a massive corporation. He was a strong proponent of wealth in all its forms. No way would he support all the safety nets for the poor we have in this country!” Lewis continued, “We plan on issuing our own proclamation, the ‘Dineros Maximus’ refuting all this Papal nonsense. Happily, it will be  just in time for the Christmas shopping season.”

Needless to say none of these cretins would recognize Jesus Christ if he were standing directly in front of them. One can only hope that if Jesus ever does return to earth he will fly into Sea Tac and limit his ministry to the Pacific Northwest. Otherwise he would be jailed and eventually be committed to an insane asylum.

A Thanksgiving Turkey

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Radel

Representative Trey “Radical” Radel (Hypocrite-FL) plead guilty to misdemeanor drug possession Wednesday after being busted last month as part of a sting operation conducted in our nation’s capital.

Radel was arrested after purchasing 3.5 grams of cocaine from undercover agents whom he had previously invited to “Hip Hop” up to his apartment to partake in the same substance. The agents declined the generous invite but offered to sell him some blow to add to his current inventory. After the deal was struck other agents moved in and arrested the hapless congressman.

After pleading guilty Wednesday, Radel beat feet back to Florida where he checked into a rehab center, but not before holding the obligatory remorseful press conference.

Radel utilized the tried and true canned speech used by so many hypocritical politicians and televangelists the world over after their transgressions are exposed. Radel proclaimed, “Today, I checked myself into a facility to seek treatment and counseling. It is my hope, through this process I will come out a better man. I will work hard to gain back the trust and support of my constituents, friends and most importantly my family.”

Interestingly, Radel, a favorite of the Tea Party, found nothing wrong with his activities before his sinful habits were unveiled. In fact, in the past Radel stated that his favorite vacationing spot was the popular tourist destination Cartagena, Columbia. Also on his short list of “places to kick back” were Amsterdam, Bangkok, Kandahar Airfield, and the Tribal Regions in northwest Pakistan.

As mentioned earlier, Radel was a Tea Party favorite and rising star in Republican politics. He voted along party lines, pushing for a 40 billion dollar cut in food stamp assistance for the poor. He also voted for drug testing of food stamp recipients. After all, it’s only logical to starve those in need of food if they also have a drug problem like Radel does.

Perhaps there is a lesson here for the Tea Party. Radel’s drug use apparently had no effect on his ability to toe the Party line. He did not go berserk and rob his neighbors for drug money, or commit any violent crimes.  Maybe Tea Party efforts to balance the budget would be better spent dialing back the ludicrous and failed “War On Drugs”, which by some estimates costs the U.S. over $100 billion per year, rather than taking food out of the mouths of the poor.

Radel’s political future is uncertain, with some politicians coming to his defense and others preparing to eviscerate him. Radel will receive a year of loosely supervised probation after which he hopes to continue his political career. Unable for comment were the tens of thousands of citizens serving multiple-year prison sentences in Florida for the very same crime Radel committed. This is of small consequence because they will never be able to vote again anyway.

Radel of course has no intention of resigning his lucrative $175,000 per year position. He will therefore not be in need of SNAP assistance any time soon.