Tag Archives: terror

Belgium Raises Terror Threat Level To Clusterfuck

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BRUSSELS – (CT&P) – Prime Minister Charles Michel raised Belgium’s terror threat level to Clusterfuck today after several cowardly religious kooks blew the shit out of the airport and subway in Brussels.

Clusterfuck is Belgium’s highest terror alert level, and its interior minister has ordered extra soldiers deployed to the streets and security at its ports and borders. All airport operations have been stopped and incoming flights diverted, while public transport has been halted in Brussels and trains and subway stations have been closed.

However, none of these actions are expected to do shit to help the situation because the terrorists are already in Belgium and have been for years.

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Colonel Kurtz appeared on a special edition of Wolf Blitzer’s The Situation Room, which showed the same clips of the Brussels bombings over and over again until Kurtz ripped his own head off.

Experts agree that Belgian authorities continue to ignore the root of the problem, which is the fact that they have a neighborhood in the heart of Brussels that acts a veritable welcome center for murderous goat-fucking Islamic thugs.

“Molenbeek is a neighborhood where bloodthirsty 7th Century Neanderthals can kick back and relax for a while, confident that none of the other residents will turn them in,” said Colonel Walter E. Kurtz (USA-Ret) earlier today on CNN.

“Until the Belgians grow a set of balls and plow through that miserable shithole with tanks and flamethrowers they’re going to continue to have this problem.

“As it turns out, it’s not such a great idea to invite a bunch of folks from a completely different culture into your country and then alienate the fuck out of them, denying them meaningful work and encouraging a sense of hopelessness in their youth. It’s slightly counterproductive.

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General Ripper called in to Blitzer’s show from Burpelson Air Force Base in Omaha, Nebraska

“Now you have a bunch of disaffected people holed up together in what amounts to a slum with a bunch of bombs, rockets, and automatic weapons. What the fuck do you think is gonna happen?

“As far as I’m concerned what that neighborhood sorely needs right now is a bunch of heads on pikes. That’ll act as a little wake up call for those sitting on the fence. Then if we can manage to pry Belgian politicians’ heads out of their asses long enough to help these folks become real members of society, we might get somewhere.”

Although most pundits agree with Colonel Kurtz that integration is the key, U.S. Air Force General Jack Ripper told the same CNN panel that it’s too late to repair the mistakes of the past.

“The best solution here is to nuke Molenbeek and any other hotbed of Islamic terror festering in Europe, and I’ve already started the ball rolling,” said Ripper.

“My boys will give us the best kind of start, fourteen hundred megatons worth, and you sure as hell won’t stop them now,” chuckled General Ripper.

Although it looks like General Ripper exceeded his authority in this instance and his actions have not been condoned by the United States or NATO, it seems it’s too late to do anything about it, so expect a change of scenery the next time you travel to western Europe.

Cretonia’s Finest On ‘High Alert’ In Wake Of Paris Attacks

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TALLAHASSEE, CRETONIA (CT&P) – In response to last week’s Paris attacks, Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott ordered all of Florida’s gazillion law enforcement personnel to assume a “heightened state of readiness” today in a bid to keep the state free of foreign terrorists. In addition, Scott ordered elite units to be prepared and ready to assist police and sheriff’s departments around the state should the threat of Islamic terror rear its ugly toweled head in the Sunshine State.

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Members of the Walton County Hostage Rescue Squad drill just outside city hall in downtown Defuniak Springs

SWAT teams, the Florida Highway Patrol, drug enforcement units, and “grouper troopers” now stand ready to cooperate with the FBI, ATF, DEA, and even the IRS should any of Cretonia’s treasures such as Disney World, Busch Gardens, or the Snake-A-Torium in Panama City Beach be threatened.

Scott even scraped the bottom of the barrel of law enforcement by diverting 50% of the state’s 2.6 million probation officers from their regular duties to help in the effort.

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Bay County Sheriff R. W. Scotum told Action News in Panama City that his men were ready for anything. “Ain’t nothing gettin’ past my boys,” said Scrotum. “I’ll be damned if we’re gonna let ’em institute Sharina law in my hometown!”

Instead of shuffling papers around, infiltrating AA meetings, and watching past offenders urinate, the po’s will be driving around aimlessly looking for suspicious behavior, which is a full-time job in a state literally brimming with meth-crazed rednecks, white supremacists, trigger happy open carry nut jobs, and drunken teenagers from every state in the union.

“We are using all the manpower we can muster to keep those dirty Muslims out of our pristine state,” said Scott.

Of particular concern to the serpent-headed chief executive is the dystopian hellscape known as the Florida panhandle, a place where some of the dumbest primates ever to roam the earth call home.

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Members of the Bay County Drug Task Force undergo remedial survival training at the Jungle Warfare School in the swamps east of Ebro Dog Track

“As you all know, the panhandle acts as a powerful magnet for anyone on earth who has an “L” stamped on his or her forehead,” said the governor, as his scales began to glow and pulsate. “It has the highest rate of idiocy per capita that has ever been measured by researchers. With that in mind, I have personally contacted the sheriffs of all the panhandle counties and emphatically expressed our concerns, and although I had to repeat myself several times and use simple terms a third-grader could understand, I think they got the message.”

In Bay County, Sheriff R.W. Scrotum told WJHG Newschannel 7 in Panama City that “We’ve done prepared for any contingency that might happen out thar. Billy Bob has greased the treads of the tank and I ordered the mechanics to change the oil in our armored personnel carrier and get it ready to roll. We got the “General Lee” (Bay County’s drone) up flyin’ around 24/7 lookin’ for camels, women wearin’ burkas, or any males with towels wrapped around their heads. We’re ready!”

An aide to Governor Scott told reporters on the capital steps that authorities have assured the governor’s office that law enforcement, with the help of FEMA, is ready to handle any unmitigated horror that might befall the state, be it a hurricane, tidal wave, terrorist attack, or even Governor Scott’s reelection to office.