Tag Archives: terrorist

FBI Now Pretty Sure Radicalized Muslim Couple That Stockpiled Weapons, Ammo, And Explosives Before Murdering 14 People At Christmas Party Might Have Been Terrorists

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – FBI Director James Comey said that after some intense investigation the agency was leaning towards thinking that Syed Farook and Tashfeen Malik were terrorists.

“I don’t want to judge before all the facts are in, but it’s beginning to look like this couple could be jihadi lunatics,” said Comey, during an interview on CNN.

However, Comey said that we need to very careful not to label the couple before the investigation is complete.

Comey said that just because the couple was Muslim, had contact with radical supporters of ISIS, possessed an arsenal of weapons, thousands of rounds of ammo, and had a habit of building pipe bombs in their child’s nursery, did not mean that the newlyweds were necessarily a terrorist threat.

“Plenty of Americans have arsenals in their home and bring their infants to the firing range,” said Comey, a strong supporter of the NRA.

“Just because you hold radical opinions doesn’t make you a terrorist either,” he continued, “I mean, their are plenty of idiots who spend their weekends screaming Bible verses at innocent women entering Planned Parenthood clinics. It’s important that responsible Americans differentiate between terrorists and just plain old assholes.”

Comey promised the American public that just as soon as the FBI decided how to label the couple, other than aerated lumps of unrecognizable decaying flesh, he would let us know.

 

Playoff Picture Muddled As Team Muslim Struggles To Qualify

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SAN BERNARDINO – (CT&P) – The Mass Shooting Playoff picture remains confused as perennial favorite Team Muslim continues to struggle.

Although Team Muslim tried to mount a late season comeback this week, the dominant White Protestant Conference teams are way out in front.

As of today, only three teams have qualified for the post-season, which kicks off on January 1st.

Deranged White Christians holds a commanding lead and is expected to enter the playoffs in the top spot, thus enjoying home field advantage throughout.

Neo-Confederate Assholes currently holds the number two slot, but Pro-Life Religious Kooks is nipping at its heels, and has shown promise in recent weeks.

Wacked-Out Motorized Black Folks, an east coast team that put in a strong showing a few years back, has basically been a no-show this season.

With only three domestic teams qualifying so far, the tournament’s sponsor, the NRA, is looking at bringing in a foreign team, a move that is sure to rile Americans’ sense of pride.

“We certainly don’t want to have to bring in a team that our fans aren’t familiar with, but if Team Muslim can’t get its body count up, or if we don’t see a late surge from a team like Insecure White Cops or Team Mafia, well then we’ll have to bring in Drug Kingpin State or some other team from Mexico or Central America,” said Wayne LaPierre, who runs the tournament for the NRA.

“We even thought of granting a new franchise to Syrian refugees entering the country by arming them to the teeth with automatic weapons and explosives, but our executive board determined that widows and orphans fleeing a war zone could just not make up enough ground in time to make the post-season.

“We’re planning on making one last-ditch effort to get an American team in the fourth slot by blocking all common-sense gun control laws while conducting a huge assault weapon and RPG giveaway just before Christmas, but I’m not holding my breath.”

Deranged White Christians has been ranked number one from wire to wire this year and Vegas oddsmakers have made the team a prohibitive favorite to win it all.

 

Aerated Terrorist Wishes He Never Heard About Allah In The First Place

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PARIS – (CT&P) – Criminal mastermind and cheese-dicked cretin Abdelhamid Abaaoud told Wolf Blitzer on CNN this afternoon that if he knew what he knows now, he never would have become a terrorist in the first place.

“I wish I’d never heard of Allah, Muhammad, or all that other bullshit,” said Abaaoud, in between blood-curdling screams.

Blitzer reached Abaaoud by phone as he was enduring his first day of infinity in Hades.

Abaaoud, a dedicated member of ISIS, had expected 72 virgins in Paradise.

“Instead, I’m floating in this fucking lake of fire and having my flesh burned off over and over again,” groaned the filthy goat-fucking savage.

Police found Abaaoud’s body Wednesday in an apartment building in Saint-Denis, but it took some time to identify the 27-year-old using his fingerprints because very little of him was left. It was not clear how he died because portions of his limbs were blown off and he appeared to have been struck by about a million fucking bullets.

Three police officials have told The Associated Press that a woman who died in the same police raid Wednesday was Abaaoud’s cousin. One said the woman, Hasna Aitboulahcen, is believed to have detonated a suicide vest in the building after a brief conversation with police officers. It was not clear if she had any role in the attacks.

Ms Aitboulahcen, who was with Abaaoud in Hell during the phone interview with CNN, also regretted having in any way been associated with Islam.

“I could kick Abdelhamid’s well-done butt right about now,” she said. “That dickhead got me involved in all this shit to begin with. I expected a reward in Heaven and now I can’t even find my ass with both hands!”

Abaaoud is expected to finish up with orientation sometime this evening and will be looking forward to having a capsicum coated pineapple shoved up his ass every five minutes for the next week before descending deeper into the depths to receive some truly serious punishment.

ISIS Takes Credit For Texas Attack, Income Inequality, Climate Change, And The Continual Disruptions In Mrs. Pearson’s 6th Grade Homeroom Class

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SOME NASTY ASS CAVE IN THE DESERT – (CT&P) – On Tuesday, ISIS took to its radio station, WKIL,  to boast that the bumbling idiots who attacked the Muhammad Art Exhibit and Cartoon Contest in Garland, Texas, on Sunday night were “two soldiers of the caliphate.” The claim, which has not yet been verified by any American officials, is the first attack on American soil for which the terror group has taken responsibility, but ISIS vowed it would not be the last.

During his morning drive-time program, Abdul-Aziz Asad Bouhtros Boutros Boutros Boutros Haddad Skyhook (which roughly translates to “he who lusts after young female goats”) read a statement from the Islamic State Parks and Recreation Board that said that ISIS had recruited hundreds of disaffected young Muslims throughout the United States and would use these human time bombs to “bring America to its knees” like a “camel in heat.”

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Abu Bakr al-Buttpluggi told reporters outside his cave in Mosul that the United States and Israel will be buried under the weight of middle school class disruptions the likes of which have never been seen. “It will cause the ‘Mother of All Suspensions,'” he said.

“We tell America that what is coming will be even bigger and more bitter, and that you will see the soldiers of the Islamic State do terrible things. We have already ruined your economy by creating income inequality, we are responsible for the ongoing destruction of the polar ice caps, our agents within the police force and black community are burning your cities to the ground, and all this is just the beginning!” said Skyhook as foamed at the mouth.

“We have young, ideologically pure soldiers of the caliphate in place in all of your elementary and middle schools, and we are set to unleash them at any time! Prepare for the ‘Mother of All Class Disruptions!’ You vile infidels will reap the reward for your imperialist invasions, the theft of our blessed and merciful fossils fuels, and your fucking fast food franchises now dotting the Middle East. Die Great Satan!”

Skyhook then had to cut to traffic to report an overturned camel on the road to Mecca.

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Little Johnny McDunce, a fourth grader at Dim Bulb Elementary School in Toxic Springs, Kansas, was interrogated by FBI agents after posting detailed plans for an atomic bomb on his Facebook page. “I was only fucking around,” claimed Johnny. Johnny is known to his classmates as the “Spitball Sheik.”

Federal investigators have yet to confirm that the two men who conducted the attack in Garland have any connections to ISIS, Al-Qaeda, or one of the gazillion half-ass terrorist splinter groups trying to earn brownie points by murdering defenseless civilians.

“At this time we have no reason to believe that these two clowns had any connections to anything other than Twitter and Facebook,” said FBI Special Agent Efrem Zimbalist III. “About the only thing they had in common was a low IQ and an inability to plan even the simplest terrorist attack. Hell, they barely even got out of their fucking car before they were turned into Swiss cheese,” chuckled Zimbalist.

When asked about the claims made by the Islamic State Parks and Recreation Board on WKIL, Zimbalist told journalists that he wasn’t overly concerned.

“You have to remember who we’re dealing with here. Neanderthals would score higher on the SAT. So don’t worry; these imbeciles couldn’t find their asses with both hands,” said Zimbalist.

Cretonia’s Finest On ‘High Alert’ In Wake Of Paris Attacks

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TALLAHASSEE, CRETONIA (CT&P) – In response to last week’s Paris attacks, Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott ordered all of Florida’s gazillion law enforcement personnel to assume a “heightened state of readiness” today in a bid to keep the state free of foreign terrorists. In addition, Scott ordered elite units to be prepared and ready to assist police and sheriff’s departments around the state should the threat of Islamic terror rear its ugly toweled head in the Sunshine State.

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Members of the Walton County Hostage Rescue Squad drill just outside city hall in downtown Defuniak Springs

SWAT teams, the Florida Highway Patrol, drug enforcement units, and “grouper troopers” now stand ready to cooperate with the FBI, ATF, DEA, and even the IRS should any of Cretonia’s treasures such as Disney World, Busch Gardens, or the Snake-A-Torium in Panama City Beach be threatened.

Scott even scraped the bottom of the barrel of law enforcement by diverting 50% of the state’s 2.6 million probation officers from their regular duties to help in the effort.

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Bay County Sheriff R. W. Scotum told Action News in Panama City that his men were ready for anything. “Ain’t nothing gettin’ past my boys,” said Scrotum. “I’ll be damned if we’re gonna let ’em institute Sharina law in my hometown!”

Instead of shuffling papers around, infiltrating AA meetings, and watching past offenders urinate, the po’s will be driving around aimlessly looking for suspicious behavior, which is a full-time job in a state literally brimming with meth-crazed rednecks, white supremacists, trigger happy open carry nut jobs, and drunken teenagers from every state in the union.

“We are using all the manpower we can muster to keep those dirty Muslims out of our pristine state,” said Scott.

Of particular concern to the serpent-headed chief executive is the dystopian hellscape known as the Florida panhandle, a place where some of the dumbest primates ever to roam the earth call home.

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Members of the Bay County Drug Task Force undergo remedial survival training at the Jungle Warfare School in the swamps east of Ebro Dog Track

“As you all know, the panhandle acts as a powerful magnet for anyone on earth who has an “L” stamped on his or her forehead,” said the governor, as his scales began to glow and pulsate. “It has the highest rate of idiocy per capita that has ever been measured by researchers. With that in mind, I have personally contacted the sheriffs of all the panhandle counties and emphatically expressed our concerns, and although I had to repeat myself several times and use simple terms a third-grader could understand, I think they got the message.”

In Bay County, Sheriff R.W. Scrotum told WJHG Newschannel 7 in Panama City that “We’ve done prepared for any contingency that might happen out thar. Billy Bob has greased the treads of the tank and I ordered the mechanics to change the oil in our armored personnel carrier and get it ready to roll. We got the “General Lee” (Bay County’s drone) up flyin’ around 24/7 lookin’ for camels, women wearin’ burkas, or any males with towels wrapped around their heads. We’re ready!”

An aide to Governor Scott told reporters on the capital steps that authorities have assured the governor’s office that law enforcement, with the help of FEMA, is ready to handle any unmitigated horror that might befall the state, be it a hurricane, tidal wave, terrorist attack, or even Governor Scott’s reelection to office.

 

Constipated Prophet Orders Attack On Newspaper By Mistake

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PARIS (CT&P) – The attack earlier today on the satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo that killed 12 people was apparently the last in a series of foul ups and snafus committed by the Prophet Muhammad during his yearly vacation in Paris this week.

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An artist’s rendering of the Prophet is being circulated in Paris so that anyone who sees the bloodthirsty bastard can phone authorities immediately.

According to the bloodthirsty demigod’s press secretary Abdul-Aziz Cornhollah Habib Lulu Maalik Skyhook, which loosely translated means “The One Who Does Not Bathe,” the attack was supposed to target Le Lonesome Camel, a restaurant just down the street from the newspaper.

It seems the Prophet became extremely agitated when, while dining at the restaurant last night, the staff mistakenly served him a meat pie which was loaded with processed pork products. According to Skyhook, the tourtière in question was supposed to be “pork and gluten-free” in order to adhere to the strict dietary guidelines published in the Prophet’s latest cookbook, How to Feed a Cave Full of Subhuman Terrorists on $10.00 a Day, first published in 2002.

However, the owner of the restaurant, retired Formula One driver Alain Prost, told reporters that the Islamic killing machine had “only himself to blame” for his irritable bowels because the Prophet insisted on ordering in French, like so many other idiot foreigners who vacation in Paris.

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France’s ace detective Inspector Jacques Clouseau has been assigned the case and expects apprehend the “foul-smelling camel jockeys” tout suite!

“At first the dimwit ordered a goat with a football stuffed up its ass,” said Prost. “He had to try five times before he actually ordered something on the menu. His server tried to warn him that the tourtière had pork in it, but the pompous ass would not listen. I’m surprised he’s able to speak any French at all. After all, the only language other Arabic that he hears are the screams coming from his follower’s victims.”

The Prophet became even more agitated when he went outside to discover that his dinner party’s camels had all been ticketed for parking in a loading zone. Apparently he ordered the attack later that night.

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Author Reza Aslan, who continues to insist he is not gay, is one of the few public figures to come to the terrorists’ defense. “These guys are just misunderstood,” said Aslan. “Islam is a religion of peace and this activity is perfectly normal. I mean, who can honestly say that they have not thought about murdering innocent people for the slightest of insults? I know I have.”

Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau, who has been assigned the task of bringing the filthy subhuman Islamic slime to justice, told reporters at L’Express that what happened was that the geographically challenged religious fanatic gave his henchmen the wrong address.

“You would think that the terrorists would have realized that they were not attacking the restaurant they had just dined in only hours earlier, but you have to remember that we’re dealing with a bunch of savages that want to return the world to the 9th Century. I’m amazed they were even able to operate the nav system on the Hertz rental car they used.”

Although most politicians and religious leaders around the world are denouncing the attack, some apologists for Islam are defending the actions of the blessed, sacred, but not-so-intelligent Prophet.

Reza Aslan, author of Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth and No god but god: The Origins, Evolution, and Future of Islam, told the New York Times that these types of attacks are to be expected when one dares to insult a Muslim by accidentally serving him the wrong entrée.

“I can understand the Prophet’s actions. I once considered sawing off the heads of everyone in a Shoney’s Big Boy after smelling bacon on the breakfast bar while I was trying to enjoy my sheep testicle soufflé. Ignorant infidels in the west need to be considerate of Islamic tradition, no matter how asinine and Neolithic it may be.”

The offices of the Cretonia Times-Picayune are located on Savannah Road in Murphy, North Carolina. The editor in chief and sole proprietor of the wildly successful online newspaper, Jerry Dickerson, cordially invites anyone not happy with the views and opinions expressed in this article to jump on the nearest camel and “come try that shit up here.”