Tag Archives: terrorists

In An Amazingly Stupid Statement, French President Tells Nation That Terrorist Acts “Have Nothing To Do With Muslim Religion”

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Paris (CT&P) – During an address to the nation earlier today, French President Francois Hollande told his countrymen that the actions of four filthy pig-dog Islamic fundamentalist nut jobs “had nothing to do with the Muslim religion.” Mr. Hollande made the statement with a straight face.

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Mr. Hollande’s sanity was quickly called into question shortly after he told his countrymen that the murders at Charlie Hebdo had nothing to do with Islam

The address to the nation was made shortly after French police and military units dispatched three of the terrorists in hail of gunfire and sent them on their journey to Hell.

Mr. Hollande was merely echoing the sentiments of heads of state and religious leaders around the world made over the past few days after 12 innocent people had their brains spilled on the floor of Charlie Hebdo, the satirical newspaper in Paris.

This high level of delusional behavior in our leaders has alarmed many experts in the field of mental health.

 

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At a press conference along the banks of the River Styx, Satan expressed his delight over the arrival of the scum-sucking Islamic pieces of shit

Dr. Frank Black, a psychoanalyst at the Banzai Institute in Holland Township, New Jersey, told reporters that “These idiot politicians and pompous ass religious leaders started spouting all this bullshit about the “religion of peace” shortly after the 9/11 attacks. Hell, even George Bush said we were not at war with Islam. I think anyone who has been incinerated or disemboweled by a fucking suicide bomber or maniac with an AK-47 might disagree.”

“After all, these brainless cretins are not running around killing people screaming ‘Roll Tide or War Eagle, are they?” continued Black. “They’re yelling Allahu Akbar! Well, I’m here to tell you, God ain’t that great. I don’t see millions of Muslims lining up to mourn the employees of Charlie Hebdo. Hell, even the president of the Catholic League chastised the cartoonists! Until we human beings outgrow this obsession with living forever and following rules written by cave men, we are going to continue to murder each other in ever-growing numbers. Fuck!”

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Lucifer was so delighted over the arrival of the terrorist souls that he gave Pastor Fred Phelps the day off to greet them. Fred is seen here having a pineapple forced up his rectum by the demon Balthazar.

Although one terrorist apparently escaped capture even though she was surrounded by about a gazillion cops, Mr. Hollande told reporters that he was confident she would be captured. Hopefully this whore will also be torn apart by lead from fired from police machine guns. God forbid the French people have to pay for her food and lodging for the  rest of her natural life.

 

By the way, odds makers in Las Vegas will give you one chance in a million that the dirty, filthy bitch is not a Muslim.

 

Constipated Prophet Orders Attack On Newspaper By Mistake

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PARIS (CT&P) – The attack earlier today on the satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo that killed 12 people was apparently the last in a series of foul ups and snafus committed by the Prophet Muhammad during his yearly vacation in Paris this week.

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An artist’s rendering of the Prophet is being circulated in Paris so that anyone who sees the bloodthirsty bastard can phone authorities immediately.

According to the bloodthirsty demigod’s press secretary Abdul-Aziz Cornhollah Habib Lulu Maalik Skyhook, which loosely translated means “The One Who Does Not Bathe,” the attack was supposed to target Le Lonesome Camel, a restaurant just down the street from the newspaper.

It seems the Prophet became extremely agitated when, while dining at the restaurant last night, the staff mistakenly served him a meat pie which was loaded with processed pork products. According to Skyhook, the tourtière in question was supposed to be “pork and gluten-free” in order to adhere to the strict dietary guidelines published in the Prophet’s latest cookbook, How to Feed a Cave Full of Subhuman Terrorists on $10.00 a Day, first published in 2002.

However, the owner of the restaurant, retired Formula One driver Alain Prost, told reporters that the Islamic killing machine had “only himself to blame” for his irritable bowels because the Prophet insisted on ordering in French, like so many other idiot foreigners who vacation in Paris.

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France’s ace detective Inspector Jacques Clouseau has been assigned the case and expects apprehend the “foul-smelling camel jockeys” tout suite!

“At first the dimwit ordered a goat with a football stuffed up its ass,” said Prost. “He had to try five times before he actually ordered something on the menu. His server tried to warn him that the tourtière had pork in it, but the pompous ass would not listen. I’m surprised he’s able to speak any French at all. After all, the only language other Arabic that he hears are the screams coming from his follower’s victims.”

The Prophet became even more agitated when he went outside to discover that his dinner party’s camels had all been ticketed for parking in a loading zone. Apparently he ordered the attack later that night.

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Author Reza Aslan, who continues to insist he is not gay, is one of the few public figures to come to the terrorists’ defense. “These guys are just misunderstood,” said Aslan. “Islam is a religion of peace and this activity is perfectly normal. I mean, who can honestly say that they have not thought about murdering innocent people for the slightest of insults? I know I have.”

Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau, who has been assigned the task of bringing the filthy subhuman Islamic slime to justice, told reporters at L’Express that what happened was that the geographically challenged religious fanatic gave his henchmen the wrong address.

“You would think that the terrorists would have realized that they were not attacking the restaurant they had just dined in only hours earlier, but you have to remember that we’re dealing with a bunch of savages that want to return the world to the 9th Century. I’m amazed they were even able to operate the nav system on the Hertz rental car they used.”

Although most politicians and religious leaders around the world are denouncing the attack, some apologists for Islam are defending the actions of the blessed, sacred, but not-so-intelligent Prophet.

Reza Aslan, author of Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth and No god but god: The Origins, Evolution, and Future of Islam, told the New York Times that these types of attacks are to be expected when one dares to insult a Muslim by accidentally serving him the wrong entrée.

“I can understand the Prophet’s actions. I once considered sawing off the heads of everyone in a Shoney’s Big Boy after smelling bacon on the breakfast bar while I was trying to enjoy my sheep testicle soufflé. Ignorant infidels in the west need to be considerate of Islamic tradition, no matter how asinine and Neolithic it may be.”

The offices of the Cretonia Times-Picayune are located on Savannah Road in Murphy, North Carolina. The editor in chief and sole proprietor of the wildly successful online newspaper, Jerry Dickerson, cordially invites anyone not happy with the views and opinions expressed in this article to jump on the nearest camel and “come try that shit up here.”

Scorpions Break Ceasefire By Stinging Dickerson Squarely In The Ass

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – The tranquil atmosphere of Cabin Anthrax was broken early this morning when a scorpion, believed to be a member of the radical splinter group SAMAS (Scorpions Against Mankind and Other Shit) conducted a vicious attack on Dickerson’s ass.

Dickerson, who was sleeping peacefully at the time of the attack, told Times-Picayune reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that “I was just settling down into a nice dream involving mushrooms and skinny dipping when out of the blue it feels like a knitting needle was shoved into my right cheek.”

The perpetrator, who has now been identified as Felix “The Stinger” Carolinianus, apparently gained access to Dickerson’s sofa through a hole in the screened deck and made his way through multiple layers of defenses consisting of  trenches of adipose tissue and fearful rows of abatis constructed with excess body hair.

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Dickerson told “The Coyote” that although the attack came as quite a shock, things could always be worse. “At least I don’t have a family of bulls living in the cabin.

“The little motherfucker stung the hell out of me causing me to jump like a fucking kangaroo and break my fucking little toe on the fucking coffee table,” said Dickerson.

Although the unprovoked assault precipitated a 3 A.M seminar in the advanced use of foul language, the attack apparently does not threaten the long-term peace agreement signed last month between Dickerson and Marvin V. Carolinianus, leader of the scorpion tribe that lives inside the Cabin Anthrax.

“I want to stress to the public that Felix was a “bad apple” and acted entirely alone,” said Marvin, Felix’s uncle. “He became disillusioned a while back when his girlfriend left him and he dropped out of school. We’ve had our eye on him ever since he joined SAMAS. I guarantee that the little shit will be deported immediately.”

Dickerson told Becker that although the entire episode was unnerving and he never did get to “consummate” his dream sequence, “I guess anyone is allowed one mistake. I really love those little arthropods and I want to try to make this truce last.”

“I sincerely hope that we can work toward a lasting peace that will be beneficial to both parties. I just pray that in the future there will be no more attempts to sting me in the ass. I have what I consider to be a cute little scruffy butt, and I want to keep it that way.”