Tag Archives: Texas

FAA Bans Flights Into Houston After Open Carry Texas Takes Delivery On Russian Buk Missile System

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After passing through customs in New Orleans, the few members of the organization who had valid licenses took turns driving the vehicle to the Texas Gulf Coast where it was test fired

 

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – The FAA has banned all flights into and out of Houston’s Hobby and Bush Intercontinental Airports, citing the presence of dangerous Russian-made anti-aircraft missile batteries in the general area.

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The president of Open Carry Texas, C. J. “Small Schlong” Grisham, (seen here relaxing in his bunker) told Fox News that the new missile system would not be used until the outbreak of the inevitable race war in America, or if it became apparent that refugee kids were catching flights into the U.S. via Mexico City.

The airspace in Houston extending out up to 100 miles was closed yesterday after authorities were informed that the pro 2nd Amendment group “Open Carry Texas,” better known to the rest of the country as “A Confederacy of Dunces,” had acquired a Russian army surplus Buk missile system and it had been driven to the nearby Gulf Coast for “testing and training.”

“We’ve all seen what one of these missile systems can do when in the hands of a bunch of drunken Russian rednecks,” said a spokesman for the FAA. “We see no reason to believe that the outcome would be any different when the system is manned by a bunch of our very own drunken rednecks. We decided to err on the side of caution, and we apologize for any inconvenience to air travelers,” said the spokesman.

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A crack team of professionals from Open Carry are testing and training on the new air-defense system

During an appearance on the Sean Hannity Show, the president of Open Carry Texas, C.J. “Small Schlong” Grisham protested that Open Carry Texas was a peaceful organization dedicated to the “exercise and protection of our 2nd Amendment rights, rights that are in danger of being revoked by the Obama administration and the worldwide conspiracy to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids through the heinous use of flouride in our nation’s water supply.”

“It’s only a matter of time before we see foreigners in blue helmets marching up Pennsylvania Avenue,” said Grisham, as he chugged a glass of refreshing rainwater and pure grain alcohol.

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The team of simpletons from Open Carry conducted tests of the system on a public beach packed with vacationing families

Testing of the new system went ahead without the benefit of a team of Russian instructors sent by the Putin administration. The Russian advisers, who had the formidable task of training a bunch of borderline imbeciles to operate an advanced air-defense system, were detained after trashing a bar at the Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport.

The Russian team apparently got out of control after imbibing an entire case of Don Cossack Vodka.

“Them Russkies sure know how to party!” said Daisy Airhead, a barmaid at the Drunken Bull Cattle Company on the international concourse. “They was taking off their shirts and doing some kinda crazy dance on top of the bar and all the tables. They was jumpin’ up and down like Messican jumpin’ beans! One of them promised to marry me after they get out of jail. I can’t wait!”

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Minuteman founder Jim “Shrunken Sack” Gilchrist is a strong supporter of the patriots at Open Carry and has offered his support for more arms acquisitions

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Rosie “Hepatitis C” Gilchrist, Jim’s sister, is engaged to be married to Open Carry’s Grisham

After an arduous journey from New Orleans, the launcher was set up on a beach near Galveston Island and the completely ignorant and untrained personnel from Open Carry launched a few missiles “just for fun.”

The first missile took out a flight of endangered pelicans in route to nesting grounds further up the coast. Grisham justified the murder of the birds to Sean Hannity by saying, “Those pelicans were in fact cartel drug mules transporting heroin across the border in the pouches attached to their lower mandibles.”

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Activities at the much-anticipated convention in Dallas will include mock lynchings and a gala barbecue and horseshoe contest on the “Grassy Knoll”

The gullible Hannity accepted the explanation but required clarification as to exactly what a “mandible” was.

The second missile loosed by the team of schmucks zoomed over the Gulf in an erratic flight that ended with a detonation over a British Petroleum oil platform, which was set ablaze.

A third missile misfired at first but then careened wildly down the beach taking out several vacationing families before exploding in a barbecue and salt-water taffy stand, causing massive loss of life.

The crack missile team lost one member when he was incinerated while urinating behind the vehicle during the launch sequence.

Although initial testing of their new toy has not turned out exactly as planned, Open Carry Texas hopes that the vehicle will be fully operational for this fall’s Conspiracy Theory Convention held annually at the Dallas Book Depository.

“We really look forward to displaying our extreme sexual insecurity and paranoid delusions at the upcoming national conference in Dallas,” said Grisham. We really want to show the rest of the country what patriotism and love of God and country is all about.”

When asked about the situation in Houston, NRA president Wayne LaPierre only shook his head, rolled his eyes, and slowly walked away from reporters while staring at the ground.

 

 

 

 

 

Texas Governor Rick Perry Accidentally Mows Down Tea Party Rally On Border With Mexico

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – The death toll continues to rise in Monday’s “friendly fire” incident along the Texas-Mexico border. While making an aerial inspection of suspected crossing points, Governor Rick Perry (R-TX) apparently discharged a .50 caliber machine gun into the midst of a gathering of Tea Party supporters and amateur Texas border guards.

The Tea Party members were massed at a point along the border where refugee kids from Central and South America regularly turn themselves in to Border Patrol agents.

Texas National Guard troops that Perry dispatched to the border are being kept busy trying clean up the sites of the governor's various mishaps

Texas National Guard troops that Perry dispatched to the border are being kept busy trying clean up the sites of the governor’s various mishaps

“We were just here to show how much we love America and shout ugly racial slurs at those children,” said Mildred Mulebutt, a survivor of the massacre.

“We had just set up our signs and popped a few Budweisers when this patrol plane escorted by two helicopter gunships swooped down on us out of the blue. Then some idiot in one of the aircraft started letting us have it with some kind of fucking cannon or something. It was terrifying.”

Zapata County Sheriff R.P. “Fuzzy” Scrotum told Fox News that “We still have not been able to get a solid body count because the Governor turned a lot of these folks into a fine red mist. I’ve been told by the coroner that we have at least 29 Tea Partiers and several members of the South Texas Amateur Border Guards and River Widener’s Club definitely deceased. If you come over here, you can clearly see where the Tea Party folks were standing because of all of these misspelled signs.”

The crew chief for the aircraft in which the governor was traveling told Reuters that “I told that doofus three times to quit fiddling with the weapon, but he insisted on charging it and aiming it at vehicles and pedestrians while making a childlike ‘machine gun’ sound and yelling ‘Get some! Get some!'”

This isn't the first time Governor Perry accidentally depleted his base. At a photo op in 2009 at the Sam Houston School for the Orphans of Rodeo Clowns, Perry mowed down an entire 3rd grade class with what he thought was a toy machine gun

This isn’t the first time Governor Perry accidentally depleted his base. At a photo op in 2009 at the Sam Houston School for the Orphans of Rodeo Clowns, Perry wiped out an entire 3rd grade class with what he thought was a toy machine gun

“God help us if that idiot is elected president,” continued the crew chief, who wished to remain anonymous. “He’ll probably be horsing around in the Oval Office and accidentally nuke Belgium or something.”

An aide to Governor Perry called the incident a “tragic accident” and blamed it on Perry leaving his glasses at Billy Bob’s All-You-Can-Eat Fatback Cafe in Squalid Springs, where the group had lunch.

“The governor was trying to aim at a group of starving and desperate illegal children and hit that group of his supporters purely by accident,” said the aide.

A firm body count and casualty list will not be available until the weekend because authorities had to call in army bomb disposal squads to clear several dozen homemade anti-personnel mines planted by the amateur border guards.

Governor Perry is not expected to be charged in the incident because he is covered by the recent “Stand Your Ground and Defend Your Airspace” laws passed by Texas and Florida. The laws protect Caucasian males from prosecution for “discharging any weapon, accidentally or otherwise, into any individual or group of individuals that look weird or unusual to them.”

The incident is expected to have absolutely no effect on Governor Perry’s presidential aspirations, because anyone dumb enough to vote for this bastard is going to do it regardless of how many people he slaughters.

 

 

 

 

 

Texas Representative Steve Stockman: Man Or Astro-man?

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stevestockman

As seen in these photos Stockman has the ability to morph into a variety of shapes, sizes and species in order to confound humans

AUSTIN-Recent rumors that Texas Representative Steve Stockman (R) is in reality some sort of shape-shifting xenomorph from outer space appear to have been confirmed this week as photos of him in various states of metamorphosis have surfaced. Mr. Stockman’s wild antics in Congress and his lack of any coherent thought process, combined with his insane neo-fascist political stances, have long led some to believe that he is a member of an alien race masquerading as a human being.

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Stockman (right) conferring with friend and collaborator Texas State Senator Basil T. Buttplug

Although many have had their doubts about the terrestrial ancestry of the Texas delegation in general and Stockman in particular, no proof has ever been presented to the general public that Stockman was anything other than an average Tea Party dullard, albeit a colorful one. However, his wild ravings, complete lack of compassion and empathy for human beings, and his weird obsession with Twitter led some intrepid journalists and photographers to dig deeper.

Our ace political reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker has been  working on the “Stockman conundrum” for quite some time now. With the help of members of the Millennium Group and a shadowy photographer known only as “The Riddler,” he has come up with some answers.

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Stockman speaking at a Tea Party fundraiser and book-burning festival late last fall

Bruce was able to meet with the mysterious photographer “The Riddler” in a highly segregated “whites-only” suburb north of Atlanta, Georgia. He was able to obtain photographs made using secret technology developed by the research and development division of the “Millennium Group.” The photos show a very different Steve Stockman than the one elected to the U.S. House by the good citizens of Texas. In the photos, Stockman can be seen in many of his different forms, and some even catch him in the act of shape-shifting.

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In this photo you can clearly see Stockman morphing into a Lovecraftian creature capable of unimaginable evil

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This is a photograph of Stockman decapitating former Republican Party House Majority Leader Tom Delay after a heated argument over illegal immigration

It seems that Stockman is able to metamorphose into different body shapes and even different alien species. Sometimes Stockman allows humans to see him as he really is, while at other times he uses massive clouds of narcotic flatulence to mask his appearance and mesmerize nearby humans. The toxic gas makes them highly susceptible to suggestion which helps to explain Stockman’s puzzling popularity with otherwise rational Texans.

Stockman’s ability to appear rational and productive at times has served him well and even taken him to the halls of power in Washington, D.C. However, according to “The Coyote,” it is all just a clever facade that masks a boiling mass of malevolent protoplasm.

Stockman has used his shape-shifting talents to fool large voting blocs in Texas into electing him on two different occasions, once in the 9th District and more recently in the 36th District. He is currently running against incumbent John Cornyn in the Republican primary for Senate.

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Artist’s rendering of Representative Michele Bachmann as she truly appears

Experts are worried that a large enough discharge of Stockman’s noxious gas at a convention center or campaign rally could tip the balance and Texans could be deluded into making him the state’s second senator from outer space. “Such a result could endanger not only Texas but the entire United States,” said Dr. Frank Black of the Center for Sanity in Politics. “We can’t risk it. Someone has to take action and get these creatures out of politics. It may be a job for our special forces troops or maybe we can ask Putin if we could borrow some of those Spetsnaz dudes after they get through in Crimea.”

Some scientists speculate that many other representatives of the Tea Party and other right-wing factions are in reality also members of this baleful species from another galaxy, bent on the destruction of all that is good and redeeming about humanity. Senator Mike Lee (R-UT) and Representative Louis Gohmert (R-TX) are also on the list of suspected xenomorphs. Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) is thought to be a female member of the race and may even be the queen regnant.

Stockman Announces Candidacy for U.S. Senate

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Tea Party darling and unhinged homophobe Steve Stockman has announced his candidacy for the Texas senate seat currently occupied by John Cornyn, one of the most powerful members of Congress.

Presently Stockman represents Texas’ 36th congressional district, just east of Houston. Known around Washington as “Hillbilly Frankenstein”, Stockman is famous for his outrageous comments, tweets, and antics on the House floor.

Stockman has a long and bizarre history in both Texas and D.C. The product of mid-20th century genetic experiments, Stockman began life in a remote village in Bolivia. He was patched together by refugee German scientists who fled Hitler’s Germany in early 1945. Body parts were obtained from the victims of right-wing death squads around South America.

Amphibian and reptile DNA was used to help weave together Stockman’s disparate parts. Scientists in the U.S. think that this fact has a lot to do with his incoherent outbursts and inability to reason. Stockman at times shows flashes of human consciousness, but in the main he exhibits the more primitive instinctive features of lizards and snakes.

“The man operates almost completely on the level of an insect,” said Dr. John Small Berries of the Genetic Research Center in Austin, Texas. “He suffers from three distinct mental disorders, and like many members of these fringe groups, he has none of the qualities we normally attribute to human beings, such as compassion and empathy. He does not possess a rudimentary ‘theory of mind’, an attribute that is present in even some of the less developed mammals such as chimps and elephants.”

Stockman’s outrageous comments and positions over his political career are too numerous to list, but here are a few high points:

He compared President Obama’s use of kids as props to Saddam Hussein’s use of human shields. He has ties to various militia groups around the U.S. He wanted to charge Janet Reno for premeditated murder for the Waco tragedy. He steadfastly refuses to make public the sources of his sizable campaign donations. He advocates giving infants firearms. He authored a press release claiming that the comet ISON was piloted by the prophet Ezekiel and appeared to warn U.S. citizens about the evils of Obamacare.

Some of his tweets:

“If babies had guns, they would not be aborted.”

“Our children are taught that they are sexual from birth, that any type of sex is a valid outlet for their emotions. They are taught that the problem with sex is not that it is wrong to engage in homosexual, bestial, underage, or premarital sex, but that it is wrong to do so without protection.”

“Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.”

Stockman’s lack of higher brain function was on full display when he gave the reasons for his challenge to Cornyn in the Senate. He repeatedly referred to Cornyn as a liberal, the equivalent of calling Michele Bachman a polymath. He also claimed that he was fighting Obamacare in a foxhole while Cornyn was bayoneting him in the back.

Political experts give Stockman about the same odds of winning as they do John Boehner moving inside the Arctic Circle. But if nothing else Texans and the rest of America will get a good display of what happens when a brain-damaged miscreant runs for a U.S. Senate seat.

We called on friend of the column Dr. Frank Black for his comments. “It’s a damn shame. In the late eighties Stockman showed some promise,” Black said. “For a short while he showed signs of higher brain function and began to show some human traits. He even embraced his roots by overcoming his self-repression and embracing a gay lifestyle. He even went so far as to open a bed and breakfast and enrolled in a ceramics class,” Black continued. “However, when the b and b went bust (it was located adjacent to a Houston oil refinery) he just devolved into the Bible-thumping paranoid schizophrenic we see today.”

There is no word yet on what Stockman plans to do after his absurd senate run is squashed. One can only hope he moves back to the Bolivian jungles to ruminate with the descendents of his creators.

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