Tag Archives: ukraine

Obama Holds Urgent Talks With Leaders Of Countries Under No Threat Whatsoever

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obama7

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In response to the ongoing third-world crises in Iraq, Ukraine, and Ferguson, Missouri, President Obama flew to a region under no particular immediate threat whatsoever in an attempt to confuse our enemies into thinking we have no fucking idea what we are doing.

At a press conference in Estonia, Mr. Obama pledged unwavering support for Poland and the Baltic countries in the event that Russian troops invaded and took over the region.

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Russian President Vladimir Putin assured members of the press that Russia had no intentions of invading as he personally reconnoitered the Ukrainian front lines along the Kalmius River.

“I want the people of the Baltic Rim to know that if Russia ever poses a threat to their freedom, the full might of the U.S. military will hovering somewhere in the general vicinity, ready to look mean and issue dire threats to the invading Cossacks,” said the President.

“The people of Estonia will never stand alone against the Russian threat,” said Obama, “the people of the United States will stand firmly behind you and think pleasant thoughts as you are enslaved once again by oppressors from the East.”

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Photographs taken by Ukrainian military intelligence seem to suggest that the Russians are directing rebel artillery fire from airborne platforms.

The President also outlined his plan for defeating the savage religious zealots of ISIS, currently running amok in Syria and parts of Iraq.

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Putin continues to insist that all he wants is peace, and offered this puppy to the president of Ukraine as an expression of love between the people of the two nations.

“We have initiated an emergency war plan called ‘Operation Dropkick,’ which calls for the redeployment of a crack unit of shock troops to Iraq in order to fight the terrorists of ISIS,” said Obama.

Obama told journalists that the shock troops, known for their brutality and lack of compassion, consist of the combined police forces of Ferguson and St. Louis County Missouri. They will be airlifted along with all their military equipment to Baghdad next week and transported (via forced busing) to the front lines, where they will be turned loose on the vile and evil terrorists.

“This combined force, known as the ‘Devil’s Brigade,’ will be the spearhead of our effort to wipe ISIS off the map,” said the President.

The President told members of the press that the “Devil’s Brigade” was originally slated to fight in eastern Ukraine, but it was thought that the unit would not be able to work up enough hatred to fight members of its own race, so it was redirected to Iraq.

“As long as the Kurds keep those bigots pointed in the right direction, I have confidence that our problems with ISIS will soon be over,” said Mr. Obama.

While Obama was talking tough in Estonia, leader of the Russian hordes Vladimir Putin was conducting solo reconnaissance missions of the Ukrainian front lines along the Kalmius River. He still assures the world that Russian intentions are completely peaceful and he has no plans for invasion within the next 8 to 24 hours.

Lindsey Graham Has Cerebrovascular Accident While On ‘Meet The Press’ With David Gregory

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lindsaygraham

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – On NBC’s Meet the Depressed with David Gregory yesterday Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) appeared to go into some kind of violent convulsive fit reminiscent of the chest-burster scene in the movie Alien. Immediately afterwords he began an irrational and nearly incoherent rant against President Obama and his foreign policy, or lack thereof.

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Graham’s CVA yesterday was only the latest in a series. After a mild stroke last fall, Graham donned an evening gown and pranced around a fundraiser in support of his “Repeal The 20th Century” bill that was narrowly defeated in Congress.

Following an interview with Kerry, Gregory spoke to Graham, who could not contain his anger about the secretary of state’s assessment of “complex” foreign policy issues like the wars in Ukraine and the Middle East.

“He gave the most ridiculous and delusional summary of American foreign policy I could imagine!” Graham exclaimed. “It scares me that he believes the world is in such good shape! America is the glue the holds the free world together (just ask the citizens of Iraq), leading from behind is not working, the world is adrift.”

He added: “And President Obama has become the king of indecision. His policies are failing across the globe, and they will come here soon. Why, the invasion is already starting! Anyone can see that those children on the border are just the first wave of a tsunami of diseased parasites ready to overwhelm us and our way of life!”

Gregory wondered what Kerry and the Obama administration should have done regarding the downing of the Malaysian flight.

“He didn’t call Putin the thug that he is”, said Graham, who was sweating profusely and appeared to be clicking two ball bearings together in his left hand.

“I would have called him a thug, a despot, a cretin, a shirtless pussy boy, and a mean bully! That would have put that Putin in his place and made him think twice about arming those rebels!”

Lindsey Graham :: Harmless Ducks

According to his staff Graham is now recovering at home with the help of baby ducks who seem to soothe the unhinged senator from South Carolina

“We should have armed Ukraine to the teeth with tactical nukes so they can defend themselves against rebel separatists supported by Russia!” Graham insisted.

“All of the enemies of our nation are being well supplied! Russian is helping Iran, Iran is helping Syria, Syria is helping Honduras, Honduras is helping Mexico, and Mexico is helping the Democrat Party! There’s way too much helpin’ goin’ on out dere!”

“If Obama had any spine at all, he would have bombed the shit out of the Russians at the first sign of trouble like my pimp John McCain told him to do! That would have saved all this massive loss of life!”

Graham’s rant lost momentum as he appeared to become dehydrated, and aides escorted the senator to a waiting ambulance so that he could be checked out at the hospital before returning home.

 

Malevolent Despot Conspires With Liberal Media To Divert Attention From Border Crisis

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In what pundits are calling a conspiracy that will make Benghazi look like child’s play, President Obama, with the clandestine cooperation of every major news source in America, has successfully drawn attention away from the crisis on our southern border that threatens the very fabric of our republic.

Thanks to a group of highly respected statesmen and political hacks, the nation’s attention in recent weeks has been focused on the wave of hideous monsters trying to invade our pristine country and make it their own. Representative Louie Gohmert (R-TX), Texas Governor Rick Perry, paragon of reason Sarah Palin and others have illuminated the threat posed by the vile, contaminated children who are on a mission to weaken our health care system by overwhelming it with such horrors as ebola, tuberculosis, bubonic plague, Dengue fever, and the dreaded toenail fungus. What is worse, they’re doing it on orders from the tyrant in chief, Barack Obama.

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Reliable right-wing websites such as Obamaisablacklectroidfromthe8thdimension.com and Overthrowthenegrodictator.com are divided on the subject of whether the President pushed the “fire” button himself or merely ordered the shoot-down

But all that changed with the crash of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH-17 over eastern Ukraine.

The fiery crash has been covered 24/7 by every cable news outlet at the expense of the story that really matters, the invasion of the United States by hordes of evil kids who just don’t look like us real Americans.

Even Fox News interrupted coverage of the endless columns of walking disease vectors posing as children that are forcing their way into our country.

It was left to that ever vigilant group of intellectuals, the right-wing radio hosts, to dig deep and uncover the plot hatched by our tyrannical leader and his pals in the media.

Not surprisingly Rush Limbaugh, the corpulent leader of a small but vocal army of reactionary xenophobes, led the charge to reveal the truth. As soon as news of the tragedy broke, Rush was on it like white gravy on an entire tray of fresh-baked biscuits.

The radio show host called the disaster “an opportunity” for media outlets to distract viewers from the controversy surrounding President Obama and US border security. He suspected that CNN had already swept the immigration crisis under the rug and retreated back to “wall to wall” coverage of the plane.

Limbaugh called the whole thing “very eery.”

Eery indeed!

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Rush Limbaugh was the first pundit to see through Obama’s jet-fuel smokescreen. He told his scholarly and enlightened audience to prepare for “the mother of all investigations” by patriot and intellectual Darrell Issa

Other conservative hosts joined the effort to uncover just what role the Obama Administration had in the downing of the plane. At this time the consensus is that the puppet master Obama probably had one of his aides pose as Russian separatist rebel with a PhD in missile technology from the University of Moscow in order to infiltrate the launch team and target the jet.

However, there is a small but significant group of hosts and websites that think Obama’s overall incompetence caused the crash. They argue that if Obama had declared war on Russia a few weeks ago, like any reasonable president would have done, this tragic loss of life could have been avoided.

Regardless of who is correct, one thing is for sure, the border crisis is now taking a backseat, and coverage of the crash has given the socialist fag-loving autocrat an excuse to push his agenda of converting all our kids into flaming homosexuals.

After the President bemoaned the loss of over 100 scientists and researchers who were on the flight in route to an AIDS conference in Australia, guardian of Christ’s love Bryan Fischer pointed out the dictator’s heresy.

Fischer Tweeted that Obama was callously pushing his “radical homosexual agenda” by even mentioning the lost researchers. “It would make a lot more sense just to convince all men not to have sex with men,” said Fischer, whose widely publicized sexual confusion has made the news in the past.

No one knows when coverage of the tragedy will subside so we can get back to coverage of what counts, however, there is hope. Fox News plans on returning to normal programming later tonight when it airs episode 17 of its 52 part series Benghazi: How Hillary Clinton Murdered A U.S. Ambassador.

 

Dolphins Bid A Tearful Farewell As Marine Mammal Special Forces Units Deploy To Black Sea

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dolfin

SAN DIEGO (CT&P) – Highly trained units of the 9th Marine Mammals Special Forces Brigade began preparations for deployment yesterday as part of a U.S. Navy buildup in the Black Sea. The elite unit consists of several platoons of mine-laying bottle-nosed dolphin, squads of cute but deadly sea-lion underwater assassins, legions of Humbolt squid (prized for their ability to mask underwater movement), and a wing of malevolent sting rays, who can slip in under Russian sonar coverage to wreak havoc along the beaches of the Crimea.

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Our valuable whale allies deserted en masse after the Navy’s plans to slaughter them with unnecessary air gun and sonar testing became public

At a press briefing at the Pentagon, Lieutenant Commander Philip Francis Queeg and Admiral William Bligh told assembled journalists that deployment of the brigade was essential to a winning strategy if we eventually are faced with armed conflict with the Russians.

“We’re putting everything we have into this effort,” said Commander Queeg, as he rattled a couple of steel ball bearings in his right hand. “We’ve sent the guided missile destroyer U.S.S. Buttplug, and the cruiser Mary Celeste to the region to bolster our presence in theater, and more ships are in route. Tomorrow, the 9th Marine Mammals will board a cargo vessel designed by world-renowned engineer and partying Highlander Montgomery Scott. They will disembark at an undisclosed location along the Black Sea coast. From there they will begin patrols.”

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Marine mammals and trainers form lasting bonds and parting can be quite painful

When asked by reporters why the navy felt it necessary to include the elite mammals in the buildup, Admiral Bligh said “Look, the army can’t be involved in this because the “brown Muslim only” kill policy put in place by the Bush administration is still in effect. The air force is scared of its own shadow and wouldn’t think about putting any of its expensive planes at risk. Hell, they were terrified at the thought of taking on Syria, much less the Russians. So as usual, the navy gets stuck with the really tough missions, and we need all the forces we can muster.”

At that point Commander Queeg interjected, “To be completely honest the air force did offer us some drones, but their pilots are so nervous and jittery from all those long hours of staring at sand that they would be just as likely to blow up some Cossack wedding party as a Russian patrol boat. Besides, we have our own drones.”

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Michael Manatee, president of the pacifist group Sea Cows for Peace, told reporters the crisis in Ukraine is a publicity stunt trumped-up by war-mongering right wingers

Meanwhile, the scenes around Sea World’s secret hunter-killer facility outside San Diego were somber and heart-wrenching as trainers and loved ones bid farewell to the brave warriors. It took several hours to disengage one squid’s wife from her husband, Staff Sergeant Freddie Calamari, who leads a locally-recruited platoon nicknamed the Humbolt Inkers.

Although the brigade has been in constant training for many years, this will mark the first time they will face real combat. It will be a classic case of brains verses brawn, as the Russians employ a massive army of mackerel and whitefish cannon fodder. Everyone is hoping and praying that the superior firepower and savvy of the U.S. Navy and its dangerous denizens of the deep will prevail.

The Joint Chiefs expressed extreme confidence in the troops. “I mean after all, you can’t expect a bunch of ignorant peons to understand underwater tactics like some of our mammals do,” said Admiral Bligh.

 

 

Obama To Joint Chiefs: Initiate Plan Pink For Rapid Pussification Of U.S Military

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THE WAR ROOM CONFERENCE DR. STRANGELOVE: HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BOMB (1964)

President Obama met with the Joint Chiefs of Staff in the War Room of the Pentagon late Friday afternoon

WASHINGTON-At a Pentagon meeting late Friday afternoon, President Obama ordered the Joint Chiefs of Staff to initiate “Plan Pink,” a variation on a French war plan which calls for all our armed forces in eastern Europe to assume a submissive and cooperative attitude in the event of a Russian invasion of eastern Ukraine. The plan calls for all branches of the military to act in a “subservient and compliant” manner towards any Russian ships, aircraft, or armored columns they might encounter.

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U.S. troops offload supplies of potable water to be given to the columns of thirsty Russian foot soldiers

The plan also calls for highly experienced French officers to act as advisors to the Ukrainian armed forces as they warmly greet the advancing Russian forces. “Proper surrender etiquette must be followed at all times,” said French General Renee Acquiesce. “The last thing we want is any shooting in the name of patriotism. That’s how people get hurt.”

Emergency supplies of water and MRE’s are being airlifted into Kiev where they will be distributed to strategic points along the expected route of the Russian advance. Ukrainian troops and their Allied advisors will be distributing the much-needed supplies to weary Russian tankers and footsoldiers as they race toward the capital.

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General “Buck” Turgidson was the only dissenter among the Joint Chiefs. Instead General Turgidson backed a plan that would turn Russia into a glowing heap of radioactive debris

The Joint Chiefs greeted the news of President Obama’s decision with almost uniform relief. “We have the most technologically advanced and expensive military in the world. It would be a damn shame to get it shot up over a little thing like the subjugation of a fledgling democracy trying to shed the yoke of Russian imperialism,” said General Frank Timorous. “Besides, I don’t think there’s any oil there anyway, is there?”

There was only one dissenting vote on the plan, and that was made by U.S. Air Force General “Buck” Turgidson. General Turgidson became rather perturbed with the president when he heard his plans. He told the president that he should show a little more concern for the Ukrainian people than with his image in the history books. General Turgidson instead backed a plan called “Operation Drop Kick” in which the U.S. would conduct a surprise full-scale nuclear attack on Russia and her allies. General Turginson told the assembled officials that although we would suffer some minor damage to our infrastructure and a few casualties from Russian nuclear retaliation, he guaranteed that the death toll of Americans would be minimal. General Turgidson said, “Mr. President, I’m not saying we wouldn’t get our hair mussed. But I do say that no more than ten to twenty million Americans will be killed, tops. Uh, depending on the breaks.”

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Mr. Putin assured Mr. Obama of Russia’s benign intentions during a photo shoot for the cover of Modern Cossack magazine

Despite General Turgidson’s rosy predictions, President Obama insisted on going with “Plan Pink.” He addressed reporters in the Pentagon briefing room before returning to the White House to pack for his upcoming vacation.

“I want to make one thing perfectly clear from the outset of this operation,” said Mr. Obama. ” The U.S. military is not going to get involved in war with another country that can put up any kind of a fight. I mean, we spend hundreds of billions of dollars every year on the military and various intelligence agencies, and we are not going to divert them from the critical tasks of blowing up Yemeni wedding parties and spying on our own citizens. If the citizens of Ukraine want to get all crazy and demand the right to vote, well then that’s their business. President Putin has assured me over the phone that he will do what is right and offer free health care to any Ukrainian who will sign a loyalty pledge to Mother Russia. That’s a pretty big incentive in my book.”

Obama Recalls Secretary Of State John Kerry From Kiev, Replaces Him With Brick Top

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John Kerry

WASHINGTON, D.C.-At a hastily called briefing this morning, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced that President Obama was recalling Secretary of State John Kerry from Kiev. Carney informed the White House Press Corps that he would be replaced by a gentleman “that really seems to know how to get things done.”

The new negotiator, known only as “Brick Top,” is a British gangland figure infamous for his strong-arm diplomacy in the underworld. “Brick Top will go over there and kick Putin’s shirtless ass,” said Carney. “The President has had it about up to here with Kerry’s ‘please and thank you’ pansy-ass diplomacy. It’s time to get tough with that megalomaniacal half-naked Cossack!”

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A slightly perturbed “Brick Top” responds to James Rosen’s inane questioning in the State Department briefing room. Brick Top is famous for both his short temper and ability to negotiate favorable outcomes even in the most trying circumstances

“Brick Top” made a brief appearance in front of journalists at the State Department briefing room before catching Air Force Two for Ukraine. In a prepared statement he offered his opinions on the situation; “I plan on going over there and giving Vlad the Invader two options: withdraw or become dinner for my pigs.” “Brick Top” appeared to become agitated as he continued, “I intend to become Vladimir Putin’s arch nemesis. Do you twits in the press know what ‘nemesis’ means? It means ‘a righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent’. Personified in this case by a horrible cunt…me.”

At this point Fox News reporter James Rosen, who happened to be present at the briefing, interrupted “Brick Top” and asked, “But what about the Secretary of State, will this not make him look like some sort of fag?”

“Brick Top” reacted to Rosen’s unfortunate interruption by hurling a crystal paperweight in his direction and shouting, “Listen you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don’t want to know if it tastes good or not! You stop me again whilst I’m talking, and I’ll cut your fucking Jacob’s off! Furthermore, the next time you use that homophobic slur you’re going to become lunch meat! Some of my best henchmen are gay.”

Rosen tried to respond, “But I think…”

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Ambassador Brick Top enjoys an adult beverage on Air Force Two in route to Kiev

“Brick Top” cut him off saying, “It can get you in a lot of trouble, thinking, James, I shouldn’t do so much of it if I were you. Now as I was saying, Putin can either pull his dick out of Crimea or have it cut off and served up medium rare to my little piggies. And that’s about all I have to say except that you pompous-ass pricks in the press are on thin ice with me, my pedigreed chums, and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now FUCK OFF!”

“Brick Top” was then escorted out of the room by a small army of huge tattooed thugs and set off for Air Force Two. Secretary of State Kerry is scheduled to oversee the upcoming St. Patrick’s Day parade in South Boston as consolation for being so rudely recalled from Kiev.

Fox News: Russia Invades Ukraine, Obamacare And Benghazi To Blame

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russiantroops

NEW YORK-Friday, on her nightly Obama hate-fest, Greta Van Susteren of Fox News announced that her crack team of investigators had obtained a copy of a “secret memo” sent from Vladimir Putin to selected members of the Russian Duma outlining his intentions a la Ukraine and Crimea. The memo leaked out because a member of “The Committee of Public Safety” code-named “Danton” objected to Putin’s use of military force.

According to Greta, Putin stated in the memo; “The American imperialist dogs have become weak and spineless because of the Muslim negro Obama’s attempt to provide healthcare to the unfortunate victims of their corrupt capitalist society. The lack of response to the Benghazi terrorist attack is clear evidence that the once powerful American swine have no stomach left for a fight after the ill-advised wars in Afganistan and Iraq. Now is the time comrades! Let us regain our natural place in the world by invading and subjugating countries who could benefit from our culture of chess grandmasters, manic-depressive literature, excellent vodka, and our nuclear reactor design expertise! The Muslim protozoa Obama will not dare to respond!”

A panel of distinguished experts on the show agreed. The well-paid group of doltish pundits emphasized that the Russian incursion into Crimea had nothing to do with Putin’s desire to secure and protect Russia’s Black Sea Fleet in Sevastopol. They also assured Fox’s elderly white audience Putin’s actions had nothing to do with Russia’s traditional sphere of influence in Ukraine. No, it was all about Obama, vortex of all evil in the modern world.

Greta stated that the memo detailed Putin’s plans to sweep into western Europe after Ukraine had been successfully taken back into the fold. According to Van Susteren, drunken, power-mad hordes of invincible Russian infantry will then invade Poland and the Baltic countries. Russian armored columns will form a veritable “steamroller to Berlin” just like in 1945.

Greta and her simple-minded and vacuous panel came to the unfortunate conclusion that America as we know it has very little time left. In only five short years President Obama has managed to wreck all that is good about the United States. It will be up to Republican governors to try to save what is left of America when the savage saber-wielding Cossacks arrive on our shores to rape and pillage our beautiful land. In short, we are doomed.