Tag Archives: vatican

God “Sick And Tired” Of National Day Of Prayer

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VATICAN CITY – (CT&P) – After his normal Friday lunch with Pope Francis, God paused briefly outside the Vatican to discuss world events and crises with members of the international press corps. The deity expressed concern over ongoing problems in Ukraine, the Middle East, and David Cameron’s shocking reelection in Great Britain.

“I don’t know what the hell those people were thinking re-electing that two-faced Tory aristocrat,” said God. “You think they would’ve learned their lesson by now.”

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God said one thing he was taking seriously were the millions of requests he received yesterday to strike Sean Hannity deaf and dumb. “I really despise that dumb bastard,” said God.

When a reporter from Fox News asked the Creator and Ruler of the Universe what he thought was accomplished by America’s National Day of Prayer yesterday, God responded, “Not a damn thing as far as I can tell.”

“Frankly, I’m sick and tired of it,” said the Supreme Being. “It’s not enough that I have to field requests every damn day about Little Johnny’s toenail fungus and Aunt Lizzie’s sick chickens, not to mention the millions of teenage boys praying that they lose their virginity before graduation, and the gazillions of requests for cash I get on an hourly basis. No, you guys have to go and proclaim a special day where everybody stops what the hell they’re doing and bombards my ass with all kinds of ridiculous requests.”

“My advice to you talking monkeys is that you take advantage of millions of years of natural selection and use your huge brains to come up with some of your own solutions to your problems. In other words, if you want something done, then get off your ass and do it! I’m busy trying to run a universe here. I’ve got better things to do than listen to you sniveling cretins in sagging skin sacks. I mean, shit!”

God then apologized to reporters and explained that he had to leave because he was due in the Andromeda galaxy to supervise a planet-wide referendum on third trimester abortions by the Reptile People.

Holy Trinity Goes On Crusade, Smites Infidels 3-1

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CAMP NOU, BARCELONA, SPAIN (CT&P) – Barcelona reignited their title challenge on Sunday evening, as they produced a fine performance to secure a 3-1 victory over Atletico Madrid at the Nou Camp.

 

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Luis Suarez, patron saint of cannibals, scored the second goal and thus sealed the invading infidels’ fate.

In what was a typically physical encounter between two teams who have grown to loathe each other in recent times, the Prophet Neymar needed just 11 minutes to break the deadlock before Saint Suarez doubled the advantage soon after. Both were aided by the absolutely divine passing of Our Lord and Savior, Lionel Messi.

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The Messiah proved once again that he is the one true son of God by performing another series of miracles on the pitch.

 

The infidel Mario Mandzukic scored from the penalty spot after an official blasphemously charged the Messiah with an imaginary foul shortly after half-time to briefly bring the game back to life. However, the Prince of Pitch put a controversial week behind him in style as he rounded off an impressive individual display with a close-range finish that sealed the points.

 

 

The result means Barcelona are now just a point behind the unbelievers of Real Madrid at the top of the table, albeit having played a game more than their traditional rivals. Atletico remain three points further back.

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The Messiah’s miracles are not limited to the playing field, according to his companion Antonella Roccuzzo.

 

In a statement made from the Vatican, Pope Francis said that “this is yet another example of the power that the Lord our God has to smite our enemies and lead us down the road to eternal glory and eventual victory in La Liga.”

 

After the game eager fans were given the opportunity to show their appreciation by washing their Messiah’s blessed feet as he levitated 12 inches above the surface of the playing field. He then hit the showers and returned to his 50 million dollar temple on the outskirts of the city where he had a light dinner of escalivada before making sweet love to his smokin’ hot female companion, Antonella Roccuzzo.

God Condemns Bryan Fischer To Spend Eternity In Hell

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – After a working lunch with Pope Francis this afternoon, God paused briefly outside the Vatican to tell reporters that as a result of Fischer’s recent string of insane and hateful comments, he would be condemned to spend eternity in the fiery depths of Hell.

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God told reporters that just because Fischer is sexually frustrated that gives him no right to spew hatred in His name.

“I have had it up to here with these charlatans making hateful and nauseating comments in my name,” said God. “I’m going to make an example of this dim witted freak for all the rest of you to see. I mean, look, I gave you a set of commandments to keep. Ten easy rules to follow so that you talking monkeys can all get along with each other. But no, you are too dumb to follow simple commands and insist on spewing hatred all over the airwaves while at the same time claiming to know what I am thinking. I’ve had it!”

God’s decision to immerse Fischer in the Lake of Fire until time ends came after a long series of idiotic and hate-filled comments came spewing forth from Fischer on his show aired by the American Family Association.

God handed the group of reporters a short list of Fischer’s sins while insisting he could fill an entire book with the despicable and heinous statements that the “moron” has spouted over the years.

In recent weeks on his radio program, Fischer has:

  • Declared it will be “the end of America” if Congress does not impeach President Obama
  • Denounced anyone who uses the word “racist,” then insisted that Obama and Attorney General Eric Holder “are racists.”
  • Sided with radical Islamists in Iraq in calling Obama a “devil worshiper.”
  • Suggested on Twitter that accepting homosexuality leads people to commit acts of necrophilia.
  • Said that LGBT people are inherently disqualified from holding public office.
  • Written an article in which he wonders if Robin Williams will go to heaven and insults Williams’s mother’s belief system (she was a Christian Scientist, Fischer says, and that is “a counterfeit form of religion that is neither Christian nor scientific”)
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God said that Fischer is not the first false prophet to be the Devil’s house guest, and surely won’t be the last.

God told reporters that Fischer should change the name of his program from “Focal Point” to “Feces Point” as it more accurately describes the filth coming out of this “pseudo Christian’s” mouth.

“Has this dude never heard of “Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself?” asked God. “It is hard for me to imagine how I could have been any clearer.”

God closed the impromptu presser by warning others that the same fate awaits them if they don’t take Pope Francis’ advice and try to show love for all mankind, not just straight white people.

“One more thing before I go,” said God. “I’ve just straightened out Francis on this whole embryonic stem-cell research thing and I’m not going to repeat myself. Kevin McCullough, I’ve got my eye on you, one more dumb-ass comment about how the ALS Challenge kills unborn babies and you can expect to contract Ebola in the very near future, you brainless twit!”

As God was departing for the intergalactic terminal at Leonardo da Vinci International, a reporter asked what specific form of punishment awaited Fischer in Hell.

God responded, “I leave that kind of stuff up to Lucifer. He can be very creative. After all, that’s what I put him there for.”