Tag Archives: vladamir putin

Obama Holds Urgent Talks With Leaders Of Countries Under No Threat Whatsoever

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obama7

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In response to the ongoing third-world crises in Iraq, Ukraine, and Ferguson, Missouri, President Obama flew to a region under no particular immediate threat whatsoever in an attempt to confuse our enemies into thinking we have no fucking idea what we are doing.

At a press conference in Estonia, Mr. Obama pledged unwavering support for Poland and the Baltic countries in the event that Russian troops invaded and took over the region.

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Russian President Vladimir Putin assured members of the press that Russia had no intentions of invading as he personally reconnoitered the Ukrainian front lines along the Kalmius River.

“I want the people of the Baltic Rim to know that if Russia ever poses a threat to their freedom, the full might of the U.S. military will hovering somewhere in the general vicinity, ready to look mean and issue dire threats to the invading Cossacks,” said the President.

“The people of Estonia will never stand alone against the Russian threat,” said Obama, “the people of the United States will stand firmly behind you and think pleasant thoughts as you are enslaved once again by oppressors from the East.”

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Photographs taken by Ukrainian military intelligence seem to suggest that the Russians are directing rebel artillery fire from airborne platforms.

The President also outlined his plan for defeating the savage religious zealots of ISIS, currently running amok in Syria and parts of Iraq.

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Putin continues to insist that all he wants is peace, and offered this puppy to the president of Ukraine as an expression of love between the people of the two nations.

“We have initiated an emergency war plan called ‘Operation Dropkick,’ which calls for the redeployment of a crack unit of shock troops to Iraq in order to fight the terrorists of ISIS,” said Obama.

Obama told journalists that the shock troops, known for their brutality and lack of compassion, consist of the combined police forces of Ferguson and St. Louis County Missouri. They will be airlifted along with all their military equipment to Baghdad next week and transported (via forced busing) to the front lines, where they will be turned loose on the vile and evil terrorists.

“This combined force, known as the ‘Devil’s Brigade,’ will be the spearhead of our effort to wipe ISIS off the map,” said the President.

The President told members of the press that the “Devil’s Brigade” was originally slated to fight in eastern Ukraine, but it was thought that the unit would not be able to work up enough hatred to fight members of its own race, so it was redirected to Iraq.

“As long as the Kurds keep those bigots pointed in the right direction, I have confidence that our problems with ISIS will soon be over,” said Mr. Obama.

While Obama was talking tough in Estonia, leader of the Russian hordes Vladimir Putin was conducting solo reconnaissance missions of the Ukrainian front lines along the Kalmius River. He still assures the world that Russian intentions are completely peaceful and he has no plans for invasion within the next 8 to 24 hours.

Obama Recalls Secretary Of State John Kerry From Kiev, Replaces Him With Brick Top

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John Kerry

WASHINGTON, D.C.-At a hastily called briefing this morning, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced that President Obama was recalling Secretary of State John Kerry from Kiev. Carney informed the White House Press Corps that he would be replaced by a gentleman “that really seems to know how to get things done.”

The new negotiator, known only as “Brick Top,” is a British gangland figure infamous for his strong-arm diplomacy in the underworld. “Brick Top will go over there and kick Putin’s shirtless ass,” said Carney. “The President has had it about up to here with Kerry’s ‘please and thank you’ pansy-ass diplomacy. It’s time to get tough with that megalomaniacal half-naked Cossack!”

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A slightly perturbed “Brick Top” responds to James Rosen’s inane questioning in the State Department briefing room. Brick Top is famous for both his short temper and ability to negotiate favorable outcomes even in the most trying circumstances

“Brick Top” made a brief appearance in front of journalists at the State Department briefing room before catching Air Force Two for Ukraine. In a prepared statement he offered his opinions on the situation; “I plan on going over there and giving Vlad the Invader two options: withdraw or become dinner for my pigs.” “Brick Top” appeared to become agitated as he continued, “I intend to become Vladimir Putin’s arch nemesis. Do you twits in the press know what ‘nemesis’ means? It means ‘a righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent’. Personified in this case by a horrible cunt…me.”

At this point Fox News reporter James Rosen, who happened to be present at the briefing, interrupted “Brick Top” and asked, “But what about the Secretary of State, will this not make him look like some sort of fag?”

“Brick Top” reacted to Rosen’s unfortunate interruption by hurling a crystal paperweight in his direction and shouting, “Listen you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don’t want to know if it tastes good or not! You stop me again whilst I’m talking, and I’ll cut your fucking Jacob’s off! Furthermore, the next time you use that homophobic slur you’re going to become lunch meat! Some of my best henchmen are gay.”

Rosen tried to respond, “But I think…”

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Ambassador Brick Top enjoys an adult beverage on Air Force Two in route to Kiev

“Brick Top” cut him off saying, “It can get you in a lot of trouble, thinking, James, I shouldn’t do so much of it if I were you. Now as I was saying, Putin can either pull his dick out of Crimea or have it cut off and served up medium rare to my little piggies. And that’s about all I have to say except that you pompous-ass pricks in the press are on thin ice with me, my pedigreed chums, and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now FUCK OFF!”

“Brick Top” was then escorted out of the room by a small army of huge tattooed thugs and set off for Air Force Two. Secretary of State Kerry is scheduled to oversee the upcoming St. Patrick’s Day parade in South Boston as consolation for being so rudely recalled from Kiev.

Fox News: Russia Invades Ukraine, Obamacare And Benghazi To Blame

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russiantroops

NEW YORK-Friday, on her nightly Obama hate-fest, Greta Van Susteren of Fox News announced that her crack team of investigators had obtained a copy of a “secret memo” sent from Vladimir Putin to selected members of the Russian Duma outlining his intentions a la Ukraine and Crimea. The memo leaked out because a member of “The Committee of Public Safety” code-named “Danton” objected to Putin’s use of military force.

According to Greta, Putin stated in the memo; “The American imperialist dogs have become weak and spineless because of the Muslim negro Obama’s attempt to provide healthcare to the unfortunate victims of their corrupt capitalist society. The lack of response to the Benghazi terrorist attack is clear evidence that the once powerful American swine have no stomach left for a fight after the ill-advised wars in Afganistan and Iraq. Now is the time comrades! Let us regain our natural place in the world by invading and subjugating countries who could benefit from our culture of chess grandmasters, manic-depressive literature, excellent vodka, and our nuclear reactor design expertise! The Muslim protozoa Obama will not dare to respond!”

A panel of distinguished experts on the show agreed. The well-paid group of doltish pundits emphasized that the Russian incursion into Crimea had nothing to do with Putin’s desire to secure and protect Russia’s Black Sea Fleet in Sevastopol. They also assured Fox’s elderly white audience Putin’s actions had nothing to do with Russia’s traditional sphere of influence in Ukraine. No, it was all about Obama, vortex of all evil in the modern world.

Greta stated that the memo detailed Putin’s plans to sweep into western Europe after Ukraine had been successfully taken back into the fold. According to Van Susteren, drunken, power-mad hordes of invincible Russian infantry will then invade Poland and the Baltic countries. Russian armored columns will form a veritable “steamroller to Berlin” just like in 1945.

Greta and her simple-minded and vacuous panel came to the unfortunate conclusion that America as we know it has very little time left. In only five short years President Obama has managed to wreck all that is good about the United States. It will be up to Republican governors to try to save what is left of America when the savage saber-wielding Cossacks arrive on our shores to rape and pillage our beautiful land. In short, we are doomed.