Tag Archives: vladimir putin

Blatter Resigns; Accepts New Position In Russian Mafia

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ZURICH – (CT&P) – Obergruppenführer Sepp Blatter resigned his post this morning as FIFA president and has accepted a position within the Bratva, or Russian mafia. Mr. Blatter told reporters that he regretted leaving the corrupt organization he had worked so hard to build, but with the FBI and Swiss authorities closing in, he felt he had no choice.

“I’m very proud of the work I have done at FIFA,” said Blatter. “We took an organization that had a relatively good reputation and over a period of 17 years we managed to turn it into one of the premier criminal enterprises on the planet.”

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Putin spoke to reporters while feeding his pet lions behind the former KGB headquarters building.

“I’m leaving FIFA with a clear conscience and a large bank account,” said Blatter, “and I look forward to serving my new employers with the same creativity and enthusiasm I displayed while in charge of soccer’s ruling body.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin expressed delight with the turn of events.

“The imperialist swine from the United States have tried to destroy this innocent man by dragging his good name through the mud of their capitalist pigsties. We welcome him, his aides, and his young Asian sex slaves to Mother Russia. His experience in extortion, larceny, and blackmail will be an invaluable asset as we prepare our glorious stadiums for the 2018 World Cup.”

Nearly all international political and sports pundits are in agreement that Blatter should do quite well inside the Russian Mob as it is so similar to FIFA in almost every respect.

 

Judith Miller To Join Vladimir Putin’s Staff In Fall

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MOSCOW -(CT&P) – A Kremlin spokesman has announced that former New York Times journalist and propaganda specialist for the Bush Administration Judith Miller will be joining Vladimir Putin’s staff in early fall. Miller’s job will be to justify in print Russia’s aggressive incursions into foreign countries and the seizure of large swathes of territory formerly belonging to Ukraine.

The spokesman told members of the Russian press, who were forced to attend “on pain of torture,” that Miller will also be tasked with writing flowery articles about the love felt for the Russian people by citizens of Chechnya, the former Soviet satellite states of Lithuania, Estonia, and Latvia, and the Balkans.

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President Putin was unavailable for comment on the appointment as he was personally patrolling the Sino-Russian border

“We felt that Ms Miller’s experience in convincing an entire population to go to war for no apparent reason would really serve us well in the years to come,” said the spokesman. “She’ll be invaluable to us as we seek to justify land grabs and the suppression of minorities as we expand our territory and influence around the globe.”

Miller, who was in Novosibirsk at the time attending “re-education and indoctrination” courses at the University of Siberia, told reporters from TASS that she was “overjoyed” to be able to get a job as journalist again.

“I’m too happy for words,” said Miller. “I can’t wait to serve the people of Russia and President Putin. I have always been in awe of your president and his ability to always make the correct decision in any and all situations. He’s always been one of my heroes, and he’s sexy as hell too!”

Miller will be working in the Propaganda Ministry and will have direct access to the president and his aides, who will be censoring her work on a daily basis. Her official position will be that of ‘Right Wing Lackey,’ a job title she should be quite used to by now.