Tag Archives: westboro baptist church

Pastor Fred Phelps “Thoroughly Confused” To Find Himself Burning In Hell

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Lord Sonneillon, Prince of Hatred, has been given the honor of torturing Pastor Phelps from now until somewhere around the end of time. Editor’s note: This photograph was taken prior to Lord Sonneillion’s much ballyhooed facelift by a plastic surgeon in Los Angeles.

THE RIVER STYX-Pastor Fred Phelps of Westboro Baptist Church fame is said to be “thoroughly confused” and more than a little bit perturbed at finding himself roasting in the fires of hell, sources said. At a press conference this morning along the corpse-strewn banks of the River Styx, Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told reporters that Phelps “just could not believe his eyes” as he disembarked from the Brimstone Special, one of three new environmentally friendly Maglev (magnetic levitation) bullet trains that transport condemned souls to the River Styx at over 200 miles per hour.”His Majesty Mephistopheles sure is proud of those new trains,” said Balthazar. “He really wants to do his part to save the environment from all you idiot Homo sapiens.”

Upon his arrival, Pastor Phelps attended a gala reception hosted by the Prince of Hatred Lord Sonneillon. “I just wanted Fred to know how happy we were to finally get him in our talons,” said Lord Sonneillon. “I would also like to thank His Majesty Lord Lucifer for entrusting to me and my staff the safe-keeping and eternal torture of Pastor Phelps’ black and rotten soul. It’s not that often that you run across a dude that was so totally committed to hatred and loathing during his time on earth. My boys have not been this excited since Hitler arrived back in 1945.”

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Meanwhile, Sunday school classes at the Westboro Baptist Church continued unabated.

Pastor Phelps only had time for a few brief comments before he had to leave for his induction physical over at the offices of Mengele and Kevorkian, LLC. “I just do not understand this at all,” said Phelps. “This must be some kind of mistake. I’ve spent my whole goddamn life serving the Lord and this is what I get! Spending eternity having a hot poker rammed up my ass and having my liver torn out by hungry vultures every morning at daybreak. Life is a bitch and then you die!”

Outside the Pearly Gates, at a somewhat higher elevation, a deep and resonant chuckling could be heard emanating from the Throne of God.

Satan Plans “Immaculate Reception” For Pastor Fred Phelps

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satan25RIVER STYX-Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar appeared at a hastily called press conference this morning to announce plans for a gala reception party for the former pastor of Westboro Baptist Church, Fred Phelps. Phelps’ son Nate announced the news of Daddy-O’s imminent demise on his Facebook page Saturday night.

The dim-witted and criminally insane Pastor Phelps founded the infamous “God Hates Fags” church in Topeka, Kansas back in 1955. Phelps, who has always struggled with his own sexual identity, expressed his extreme insecurity by rabidly attacking all things gay. However, Phelps seemingly bottomless reservoir of hatred has not been solely aimed at homosexuals. Throughout Phelps’ life he has been an equal-opportunity miscreant. Phelps has led countless putrid and disgusting public protests against Jewish organizations, the Marine Corps, and at numerous soldier’s funerals. The good Pastor Phelps has garnered just about every abomination award one could imagine.

Lord Balthazar opened the brief presser by graciously thanking journalists for interrupting their normal Sunday schedule in order to attend. “I want to thank you all for coming down on such short notice. I’ll get you back to the Sunday shows as fast as I can.”

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The unhinged and malevolent Pastor Phelps in happier times.

Balthazar paused for effect and then said, “Well guys and gals, I can tell you that there has not been this much anticipation around here since Hitler locked himself in the bunker under the Reich Chancellery in 1945! We really look forward to the arrival of Pastor Phelps. His Majesty Lord Lucifer told me that he has constructed ‘a whole theme park of red delights’ for the good pastor,” said Balthazar. “We really want to devote a great deal of time and energy to the torture of his immortal soul. The Prince of Darkness has really outdone himself this time. I have not seen such a burst of creativity out of him since John Wayne Gacy died back in 1994.”

Lord Balthazar told reporters that Phelps will be fitted with a radioactive capsicum butt plug upon arrival. “And that’s just the beginning. We have some experts from the SS, the NKVD, and the Spanish Inquisition all gearing up to take turns on old Fred. We want to give every group equal time, so we plan to rotate the torturers at the close of each millennium,” said Balthazar. “During the breaks between sessions we’ll toss Freddie into the Lake of Fire or have his liver torn out by vultures.”

Balthazar closed the briefing by thanking the reporters again and said, “As delighted and excited as we are by Pastor Phelps’ imminent arrival, I don’t want any of you to think that we will be ignoring our normal duties. There will still be plenty of demons available to possess and control all the usual suspects, like the anchors and pundits on Fox News. Have a nice day.”

Pastor Phelps is said to be spending his last few hours at Midland Hospice in Topeka. One can only hope that he is currently experiencing one tenth of the pain and suffering he has caused thousands of American citizens over the years.

Satan To Erect New Monument In Oklahoma City

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THE RIVER STYX-Exasperated by Bible Belt politics and an “overall lack of respect,” Satan has decided to erect a series of child-friendly monuments and statues of himself around the country, beginning in the very heart of Christendom, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. At a press conference just outside the Gates of Hell, Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar addressed a group of journalists and a sizable gathering of the legions of the damned.

“His Majesty Prince Lucifer feels that he has not been getting enough positive and uplifting press exposure lately. The recent actions of Kim Jong-un and Bashar Assad, as well the abhorrent behavior of Lord Satan’s disciples over at the Westboro Baptist Church, are really hurting our media image. These new monuments and statues are designed to fight all the bad press we have been getting for what seems like eons. Our Lord Mephistopheles has always had a weak spot for children, so the monuments will be designed so that the little darlings will be able to sit in his marble lap for photo ops.”

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Artist’s rendering of Satan’s new child-friendly monument design

Working through his loyal followers at the New York-based Satanic Temple, Lucifer unveiled the basic design for the new monuments on Monday. The design was submitted by a New York sculptor as part of a contest held this fall. The contest was open to all artists regardless of religious affiliation. “We did not want to face criticism that we were biased in favor of members of our own sect,” said Lord Balthazar. “We are an equal opportunity organization.”

Minos, Judge of the Dead, led a panel of distinguished personalities that made the final design decision. It included such luminaries as Dionysus, Keres, Asmodeus, and Harvey Keitel. The coveted first prize for the winning design included $100,000 in gold bullion, an all-expense-paid weekend in Vegas, a lifetime free pass at any location of Lucifer’s new chain of Asian massage parlors, and of course the prestige accrued as designer of what will no doubt become a tourist destination for millions of souls.

There are some obstacles to overcome before the monument can be placed at the Oklahoma statehouse, however. Although a monument listing the Ten Commandments sits on Capitol grounds now, having been installed in 2012, government officials and members of the Oklahoma Capitol Preservation Commission have steadfastly refused to allow any other religious group to erect a monument.

“We ain’t gonna let nobody start putting up false idols,” said Billy Bob McSneed, a state representative from Turdflip, Oklahoma. “Those crazy Hindus and Mooselems done already had their monuments rejected, and I’ll be gall-darned if we let the Devil put one up! We are hard workin’ and God fearin’ folks out here and we just ain’t gonna stand for any religious freedom. It just ain’t Christian.”

Lord Balthazar said that the Prince of Darkness was well aware of the obstacles involved in erecting the monument. However, he said that “Lord Satan has numerous friends in the Oklahoma State Legislature, as well as on the Federal Tenth Circuit Court of Appeals. It may take a while, and cost us a few favors, but we’ll get ‘er done.”